MeMoirs oF a RunAway PrincEss
Record 02:
FoR A PeSsImT I'M PreTTy OpTimiStIC
I suppose it wouldn't be until a bajillion years later, that I would realize exactly how simply and easily I FUCKED UP MY LIFE. Yeah, it was all fun and cool at the time, like 'Oh shiz I just owned my peeps with one hand tied behind my back! Phuck yeahz!11!' Yeah, in case you didn't know dear reader, THAT is how stupid people operate. But anyway- back to how I- Mrs. shit-for-brains- AKA underdeveloped (my boobs are growing dammit!) kleptomaniac, hyperactive ditz, stumbled upon the biggest conspiracy since the moon landing. AND YES THAT WAS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT. NANANANANA I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU RAMBLE.
(For serious! If you look really hard, you can even catch the camera man's reflection off the back drop!)
But I digress- I'm trying to sound at least a teeny tiny bit coherent (ho shit I knew that word?) because what happened after that epic escape (which OWNS anything you've ever done foo) very well changed my entire grasp on REALITY.
Because after that hellish skyride of doom, I met the man who I would hate, damn, want to rape-cough- and a whole bunch of other crazy shit I had yet to understand. Truth be told, he was a suicidal nut job with a hot bod and a sexy head of hair (the lucky bastard)- actually…on second thought- he was more like a PSYCHOTIC, PERVERTED, NARROW MINDED, STUFFY,BORING TIGHTWAD, NECROPHILIAC who was about as cool as watching gramps eat oatmeal.
But….he was still mind blowingly sexy. I'm talking about that kind of sexy that makes your entire body turn to mush, and makes you babble like the idiot you probably are. (And also the kind that has you naked before you even remember so much as pulling a zipper)
But hey, that was Vinnie for you.
'Are you there God? It's me again, Yuffie. Instead of telling you what a cruel, evil bastard you are for killing me so early, instead, for the rest of eternity I'm going to bitch about shit I COULD have done if you weren't feeling so stingy. I mean, I could have gotten me a really hot man bitc- I mean husband, who would love me forever and ever. He wouldn't mind giving me piggy back rides when I wanted them, he'd bail me out of the slammer when the stupid security camera caught me shoplifting in Walmart, he'd tell yo mama jokes with me, and assure me that yes, I WAS the sexiest bitch alive. Plus-'
She paused, her mind slowing to an almost sentimental halt as she thought of her father- it was almost bizarre, to be thinking of him now, especially since she had so willingly freed herself from him. She thought of him- baggy-eyed, dog-faced Godo- and his daily pilgrimage to the family funeral altar. And how each day, without fail- sunrise and sunset- he would light those scented candles in memory of the woman she could not remember. She could just faintly recall, the almost tender look in his eyes when he gazed at her faded photograph, and how lovingly he would stroke it with the tip of his finger.
And before she could take it back, and ruin the precious thought-'…he would love me. Very much. So that he'd be sad if I died-'
Either fate was one cruel bitch, or decided to semi-grant her wish, she didn't really know. All she knew was that the tree branches that had mercifully stopped her from crash landing and breaking every bone in her body on the ground below, decided she was a big bitch who needed to lose a couple of pounds.
Because they snapped around her so quickly, that before she could say 'bitchballs' she was falling, damning every tree she could think of to the seventh layer of hell as those evil branches nearly clawed her to death on the way down.
'GREAT. NOW I REALLY AM GOING TO DIE. Nooo I didn't choke to death on booze at my engagement party, I didn't kill myself jumping across a balcony, and the skyride from hell didn't give me so much as soggy undies, and here I am, about to die by MOTHERFUCKING TREE. Go figure.'
Life was a bitch and then you died. Hadn't she learned that already?
But just before she went splickty splat on the ground her humongous pack back took the majority of the force from the blow, so when she did make impact, just the air was whooshed out of her lungs. And whoosh as in the sound a balloon made when you blew it up and then promptly let it go. That nasty whoosh that sounded a little like a baby passing gas. Well…a couple of hundred of them anyway.
She lay there on the ground for a moment, wheezing like a car on its last leg, hardly daring to open her eyes- but seriously, How the hell was she still alive? By the law of physics, her bones should've cracked on the ground like jelly, her innards spilling out like gummy worms fresh out the bag. But here she was, still alive. Either she had some greater purpose in life (pssh whatever) or she was so fucked up (damn you booze!) that she didn't even know she was dead. But the last time she'd seen anything that outrageous was when cousin Ming-Lei had 'accidentally' stumbled her way into the opium cabinet. And of course, she'd spent the entire afternoon thinking she was a cat. Funny thing, beginning a cat. Well if she HAD to be an animal that cleaned its own ass, at least cats covered their own poo.
…why the fuck was she laying here thinking about poo?
The sudden thought made her almost want to slam her hand against her forehead. This was one of her problems, this was why Godo said he couldn't afford NOT to sell her off. For one: she was a hyperactive numbskull who could rarely see things through. Well (as much as she didn't REALLY want to admit it,) point noted. She had been thinking of cat poo when she needed to be trying to figure out where the fuck she was, and what the hell had happened in the last five minutes.
She supposed she kind of saw past events in SUPER SLOW MO, and it took her a while to put them all together sometimes. Well, she guessed being as pampered as she has, you didn't really feel like you had to do much of anything. And honestly, she didn't have to wipe her own ass if she hadn't wanted too. But she wasn't that much of a sick bastard. (But she couldn't speak for those crazy Wutai old people-) AND DAMMIT SHE WAS DOING IT AGAIN.
God! Couldn't she hold a single train of thought longer than five fucking minutes? What was she five? Determined to thwart her own stupidity, she resolved to buckle down and get her shit together.
'C'mon Yuffie! You're a big kid now, without anyone around to stuff cash in your pockets, feed you anything you want, shower you with praise, succumb to your every selfish whim and desire…even if that's to wear a blond wig and prance around in dresses like life sized Barbie dolls...'
…On second thought, maybe running away hadn't been the smartest idea she'd had all day. But she'd fucked up now. She couldn't go back, hell, she was too AFRAID to go back, since they'd probably get smart and throw her in a strait jacket for her next engagement party.
She shivered. The next one. And that was all it took.
She opened her eyes, blinkingly owlishly at the dark sky above her, the grinning moon that seemed to be laughing at her. But of course she was being stupid again. She managed to make out the skeleton like extensions that were the bitch tree's branches of bitchiness, and she weakly managed to raise her arm and give them the finger.
Oddly enough, it didn't make her feel better.
She somehow managed to roll herself over and onto her knees, wheezing out loud at the weight of the pack on her back. Sonuvabitch! This damned thing got heavier by the second! She sucked in a breath and channeled her inner wonder woman, and through a miracle managed to get to her feet.
Of course, they wobbled and felt like wet noodles under her, but dammit they would have to do. She felt delicately along her body in the dark, breathing with relief that she'd hadn't knocked her boobs off her chest or anything. But after a quick grope, she found Mary and Sue to be perfectly intact. She didn't feel any broken bones, but she wouldn't know what to look for if she had so she left it alone, since she was screwed anyway. After reaching down her back and pulling that damn thong once more out of her ass crack, she set about the task of assuring herself all her shinies were there.
She fumbled in the dark, groping in her back pockets and the waistbands of her shorts- and gathered them all in her hand, even the demonic-possessed one that had fucked her over. She felt their weight in her palms, and cursed.
' I must have dropped a couple on my little joyride! God, you can take the money, the Gucci and prada but you couldn't leave me my shinies? So you hate me THAT much?'
Obviously.
One more thing to add to the bitch list she supposed. But she couldn't do a damn thing about it now, she thought with a twang of regret as she pocketed the remaining shinies in her backpack- she had to keep moving.
She supposed the reality of her situation had yet to fully sink into her semi-deranged teenaged mind. And within the depths of her own stupidity, she knew her wake-up call was around the corner somewhere. It just hadn't hit her yet.
She couldn't see shit in the darkness- just the vague outlines of trees. And the air was filled with all those scary nighttime woodsy sounds, like chirping crickets, hooting owls, the maniacal screams of some girl being slaughtered in the dark- wait a tic. Maybe she was getting her movies confused with reality again. She was doing that a lot lately.
She turned, and did a complete three sixty around her, seeing nothing but the dark outline of forest all around. She was lucky she had managed to fall into this small clearing, a few feet over and she surely would have killed herself falling among the cluttered trees surrounding her. They were so thickly in grown together, that a couple of the trees branches were interlocked.
She seethed, willing the shiny to blame to feel the force of her rage. Hadn't she said Shinra Mansion? Was that little sparkly ball full of shit or what? It had dropped her head first into the middle of nowhere!
She resisted the urge to scream her rage to the heavens, by simply taking out her anger on the nearest thing- the bitch tree. She raised her foot and kicked the living hell out of it, until her toe hurt. But hey, somebody had to suffer. But just when she buckled down to give it a full body tackle- she saw something out of the corner of her eye.
It was only a flash of red, crimson, and then it was gone down some invisible trail in the dark.
It could have been a trash bag blowing in the wind, the bloody remains of some zombie corpse, or a serial killer on his way home after handling some business. She was in the middle of the woods, near midnight after all. It could have been anyone.
But hell that was enough for her!
She shouldered her pack, and ran like a track runner on the final stretch into the dark, screaming as loud as she could.
"HEY! WAIT UP WILL YOU! YOUNG DAMSEL IN DISTRESS BACK HERE! WILL WORK FOR FOOD! NOT ANY SEXUAL FAVORS YOU CLOSET PERVERT, BUT ANYTHING ELSE SHOULD BE FINE! HEY! DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID-"
But she stumbled in the dark on a tree root, and it took her a couple of staggering steps to stop herself from falling flat on her already abused fanny. She seethed as she stomped after the jerk in the dark- who willingly abandoned a young hotty willing to offer her services? Did such people even exist?
'He must be one of them queerosexuals they show on tv...'
Well that settled it.
She stumbled in the dark, barely registering that she was actually walking a well worn path- in fact, her ninja skills SHOULD have been handy, but nooo she just HAD to skip the ninja wildlife skills class because Family Guy had been on. She wanted to shoot herself sometimes.
So for now, she was left to stagger alone down the dark creepy path, willing herself to believe that there weren't any potential rapists lurking around every bend just waiting to jump her bones.
Especially if they were old, saggy, shapeless-eww why the hell did she think of that? The thought of old wrinkled hands (nevermind that she was going to be a saggy granny one day) feeling up her beautiful skin made her almost throw up in her mouth a little. But Harold had already bestowed that honor upon her today, and she wasn't exactly looking forward to doing it again.
In the dark however, her feeble eyesight managed to detect a break in the path- sweet merciful angels on high, the path was ending! Her unbridled joy at finding the hellish night walk almost over, made her forget her pack for a moment and lose herself running like hell.
And she stumbed out of the forest into the open, sweet beautiful freedom, she was fr-
-head fence.
She slammed into the fence so hard, and so unexpected was the impact that she bounced backwards, and was on her ass again before she knew it. This just wasn't her day was it? Son of a- she winced, rubbing the abused flesh of her face tenderly, and could almost feel the indent on the wire left from the collision.
'Hope that doesn't leave a mark...' she grumbled to herself as she looked up- and gasped aloud. On the other side of the rusty link fence, in the moonlight, was the vague outline of what at first appeared to be a monstrous warehouse. But no- she squinted her eyes in the dark- she could see eaves and gables and other shit, and over all it seemed a little too cozy to be a warehouse. But it wasn't cozy enough to be a house house. Weird.
She squinted harder- it was hard to tell how big it was from this side, bit it seemed to be at least two stories, and pretty long at that. Maybe it was an abandoned old folks home? A psycho ward?
All she could really tell was that it WAS abandoned- there weren't any lights on, and the line of windows she could see were all boarded up and closed off- it looked pretty shitty from out here too, with messy gutters, a tarnished paint job, complete with faded and rotting wood.
She looked at it, feeling somehow disappointed. So this is Shinra Mansion? How misleading. She had been expecting a cool, high tech looking facility, with black suits everywhere with the shades on and the fancy ear pieces. But if she took a moment to think here (and yes she did think from time to time) hadn't that letter been dated for a good many decades ago? Honestly, what had she been expecting? She sighed, pressing her forehead against the cool links of the fence.
'Well Yuffie, say hello to your room for the night.'
It wasn't exactly the most appealing prospect, but what was a suddenly broke rich girl on the run supposed to do?
-break in of course.
She stifled a cough as she silently crossed the threshold of the window (that she had totaled with her giant shuruiken of course) and dropped down to the floor. The window didn't have any shade, or blinds to speak of, so for the moment it was hanging open, the cool night air and faint beams of moonlight pouring in.
It had been the only window that had not been as tightly bordered up as the others, instead only a few inches of thin metal grating covering the small opening, and it had been pretty close to the ground too- well now she could see why- it led to a friggen basement, if she had to guess.
She looked around, wrinkling her nose at the old people smell. Like death and mothballs. Not exactly a fun combination. Basement indeed. But hell, if she thought it was dark outside! She whistled aloud, reaching forward outside of the moon's rays, her arm all but swallowed in the inky black up to her elbow.
"Hot damn! That's some fucking serious darkness right there!"
She wasn't exactly looking forward to groping around in the dark, but hell she had to get some shut eye or something- she could figure the more complicated shit tomorrow, like how the fuck was she going to get her breakfast egos. And it wasn't like she could do a damn thing with a bag of shinies! Dammit, she knew she should've gone for the credit cards! Hell, she could have at LEAST pawned her kimono or something. But nooo….
She took a hesitant step in the dark, praying to God she didn't trip and kill herself on some miscellaneous sharp pointy object that was sure to be on the floor. The dark seemed to be wrapped around her so firmly, she could barely breathe, much less think- of nothing but how there was sure to be some possessed maniac following her with a machete-
'Dammit cut that out Yuffie!'
But she couldn't- and as much as she hated herself from acting like such a punk, she kept thinking of more and more awful things. Surely there was a maniacal demon child behind her about to eat her sou-
-and she tripped, falling forward with a scream, holding her hands out-
-until something hard and cold met her palms, stopping her from hitting the ground.
She paused, stuck on stupid for a second.
'What the fuck?'
She'd caught her balance on something- she tentatively felt along it in the dark- it was long and hard, cold. A table? No- as she ran her hands over the surface, she could feel the marks of groves carved into the wood, a series of swirls and lines she didn't know what the heck to make of in the dark. And besides, what kind of loser brought a carved table? She scoffed as she lowered herself down to her knees, still feeling along the long sides- until it met the ground. From her current height, whatever the hell it was- was made of wood, long, and low to the ground.
Riiiight.
Bottom line was- she didn't know what the hell it was, nor did she care- it would have to do. And as much as she knew sleeping on this shit was not going to be the same as a tempur-pedic mattress, she'd be damned if she was going to risk hurting herself trying to find something better. She still had the waning feeling of drunkenness in her, and a couple of bowls of chow to hold her out- at least until morning.
She would figure out all that other complicated shit then.
So she propped her hands up on it, and began to climb on top-
-when something icy cold, frigid metal met the soft unprotected flesh of her neck. And then-
"…are you here to kill me?"
Her first thought: HOLY FUCK HE'S GOT A KNIFE.
The second: I wonder if he's as sexy as he sounds.
The third: If he is, I wonder if he'd be up to having his way with me. Hell if I've GOT to die by stab, I'll be damned if I'm dying a virgin!
Which brought her back to the first: HOLY FUCK HE'S GOT A KNIFE.
She nearly bit her tongue, her hands shooting into the air above her head, painfully aware of her pounding heart and the sudden layer of sweat that had broken out on her forehead. But seriously, what the fuck? What were the fucking odds that her new crash house was inhabited by some other runaway hobo? Seriously? She just couldn't get a damn break!
She'd seen enough court tv, lifetime and animal planet to know she should either haul ass, drop into the fetal position, or lie like hell.
…lie like hell it was.
"Look- whoever the hell you are- I'm going to assume you're either a hobo or a psycho- cannibal maniac- but don't get rowdy because I'd have you know I've got mad ninja skills. Jackie Chain ain't got shit on me. So the minute you decide to get stupid, I'm going to shove your head so far up your a-"
And before she could blink, she'd been shoved forward and hard against her wooden wannabe bed, so quickly the air whooshed out of her lungs- and it wasn't exactly comfortable, with a hundred ton bag already squeezing her lungs together. It took her a moment to realize that the cold, metal knife thingy was wrapped firmly around her neck- and she didn't need to be a genius to know he could snap it like a twig if he wanted.
"He sent…a girl?"
Knowing this wasn't exactly time to be an asshole, she couldn't help but puff up at the speculating note in his tone- even if his voice did make her feel like there was a party in her tummy. Or maybe that flighty butterfly feeling was just gas.
"Look dammit- I've been through too much shit tonight to deal with whoever the hell you are. I've assaulted my father, ran a marathon half naked, stopped my fiancé from having kids, sent a couple of old people to the hospital, stole my family treasure, fought an army of goons, and broken out of my own house. Right now, all I want is some damn sleep. You can kill or rape me tomorrow or whatever, but please…let me stay here with you for now will ya?"
There was a long pause- the kind of freaky deaky silences that made you fart just to hear some noise. She couldn't see his face, as forcibly as she had been shoved onto her stomach- so she had no fucking idea if he was about to blow her brains out or snap her neck.
She was praying he was the good kind of homeless psycho, and would take pity on her- she'd be damned if she was going to stick around this dump for long with things like this, but hell her eyes were so heavy she could barely get into her lying spirit now.
For the hell of it, she tried it one more time- her ultra super cute whiny princess girl voice, but it lost half of its effect right off the bat because he couldn't see her face.
"Pllleeeeaaaassse? With sprinkles and a cheery on top? I'll be good I promise! I won't even threaten to kick your ass anymore! I'm poor, defenseless, and my family abandoned me, I honestly have no where else to go…"
The grip on her- slackened. The mysterious shadow man guy silently slinked away from her, and she sat up, sucking in deep breaths of relief.
…And she nearly had to bite her tongue off to keep from smiling. Hook, Line, and SUCKER. Sleeping place secured (with or without his verbal consent) she heaved the pack off of her back onto the floor, popping her muscles at the sudden relief that came from dropping the weight. As she snapped her bones back into their proper place, an expression of sheer bliss crept across her face.
"Gee thanks dude! I dunno what I would've done if you hadn't let me stay- probably stay anyway, knowing me. I sure as HELL wasn't sleeping in none of those bitch trees outside. I was a princess up until a half hour ago, and I don't plan on belittling myself for a damn tree of all things, especially a bitch one. "
"…"
She stretched her arms above her head, arching her back like a cat as she bent down to scramble for a moment in her pack, discreetly wrapping her shinies in a few pairs of underwear.
"Guess you don't talk much do ya? It's cool! Since we both seem to be hiding from the world, might as well get comfy wouldn't you say? I'm Yuffie Kisa-" –STUPID STFU! Just in time her inner bitch stopped her from revealing her secret- had she honestly been about to say her last name? Hobos watched TV from time to time to didn't they? And even crackheads on the corner knew about the Wutais! If he knew she was a member of one of the richest families in the country, he'd probably sell her out before she could say bitchballs!
That said, she morphed the end of the sentence into a loud and grotesque cough, that quickly turned into a gag and a heave. She punched her stomach, her eyes watering from the power of her choking. She then took a few deep breathes, fanning herself and heaving with relief as if she'd just gotten herself together.
"Sorry I um…have…uh…"-A poor people disease, a poor people disease uh-"-asthma. Yeah! I mean um…it hits me from time to time you know? Must be the air in here…anyway, the name's Yuffie. I think you know half of my story, so what brought you here?"
Still silent. She would've been pissed if she weren't so thick skulled and persistent.
"Pssh. You can't still be mad just because I threatened to uh…do some things to you are you? Aw c'mon! I was just f'in with ya!"
She stared into the dark with wide eyes, the silence heavy and borderline painful. Well. He was going to be an asshole about this was he? Fine. She was going to talk his effin ear off if he didn't give her a response in the next five minutes.
"…do you have something against vaginas or something? Seriously, I'm not that bad am I? I'm not (that) crazy, I'm not here to kill you or whatever- and speaking of, what would even make you think that? In fact- how long have you been here? This place seems pretty ancient, it smells like funeral dirt and burnt baby in here- hell I don't know how on earth you-"
His voice she noted, was dark. And somber. Hell, he sounded like he'd lived an eternity and buried four kids sounding like that. She frowned. What the hell was up with this guy? "…one night."
She paused. "What? You're going to have to talk louder than that!"
"…you can stay…one night."
"Yeah yeah I get it…I'll be out of your hair after that, mysterious mystery man with the good voice like a waterfall of honey. Do you get compliments often? Probably not. But you should do radio or something, with a voice like that! But hey- just because I'm complimenting you don't you get the wrong idea! I'm still a ninja you know, and I sleep with one eye open and I have mad reflexes so don't get it twisted I'll take you down if I have too!"
He thought it was okay just because he'd let her stay? OH HELL NAW. Yuffie Kisaragi wasn't one to forget crazy shadow men, especially when said crazy shadow men had almost scared her shitless. Just wait. She thought smugly as she settled down to sleep- soon as daylight hit, she was going to rape this joint. Stupid shadow man wouldn't have two popsicle sticks to rub together when she was done...
As she laid herself down and began to settle in, she couldn't help but think that -psycho-who-ever-the-hell-he-was sure as heck had bet not decide to pull a fast one over on her, or she would have a foot so far up his ass he would be coughing up shoe strings.
Or at least…that was the end goal. Funny thing about goals…I suppose I had this stupid idea in my head that I slept dainty and sweet like sleeping beauty, when I really growled and grumbled and rolled and snorted and slobbered and- yeah you get the sad, tragic fucking truth of the life that I live. Curses indeed!
Regardless, I was far too lost in hog heaven dreaming about male strippers with sexy voices juggling shinies to notice that I had rolled off the coffin- and I would never know of the gentle hands-well hand actually- that caught me every time and calmly placed me back in the rightful position. I wonder if he got tired of thinking what a gross, inhumane, pathetic excuse for a woman I was.
Whatever! As long as he didn't grope my ass or pinch my cheeks I was as good as dead, booze or no booze. And somewhere lost in the bowels of deep sleep, mumbling of shinies and out of shape fiancees, I asked him what his name was. As annoying of a shit I can be, I probably did it more than once. I am a pretty persistent bitch ya know? But hell I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and who the hell answers someone half dead anyway? Maybe he was just that lonely, too even want to talk to a bratty little shit like me. Regardless, half blind and drooling as I stumbled out the words in perhaps the most cliché mood killer ever, he answered me. And somehow I heard it, don't ask me how this shit works out.
I heard it and...smiled in the abyss of dreams. I'll admit the grin was probably sloppy, lopsided and my breath might have smelled a little like Chinese (hell don't judge me!) but his name was...another smile, maybe this one was better. Cuter.
Vincent Valentine aye?
Hell even his name was hot! Like warm chocolate on skin, strawberries and ice cream, molten honey. A girl could marry a name like that! Speaking of- Yuffie Valentine? Hot damn it had a ring to it, kind of like- and then I was gone.
AN: Here I am again guys. Sorry this took so long to update, I went to college and shit got real in my life. But I have time to continue this, and I am a big fan of trash talking extra hyper potty mouth Yuffie so at the very least I would like to finish her story! I don't know if anyone is still following this, but let me know how I'm doing!
And don't worry, Yuffie will wise up, but right now she's still young, hyper, spoiled, and selfish. Her views reflect her sheltered upbringing, so she's pretty ignorant and not to worldly. She is definitely going to be a work in progress. So her views don't necessarily reflect my own, and she still has ALOT to learn.
And excuse typos its like 4 in the morning over here lol
See you guys next time!
Also: Me no own FF7. Ever. Its nice to dream though.