Maybe it had just been an act of hair-preservation, saving her hair from flatness and possible ensuing frizz, that caused her to walk into the place she no longer believed she was worthy of entering.
Now the diner, that was a great place for noise. The sound of Luke, Lane and Cesar's voices rising above the murmur of the customers and the percussion of plates. But as Lorelai stood inside the diner door, it was only after the jarring jingle of the diner door bells ended that Lorelai realized just exactly where she was and what she was doing.
Standing. In silence. Clutching the draft letter she'd so long kept hidden, now in plain view in her hand. No one else was here. Except for Luke.
What was she thinking?
Jiminy Cricket piped into her thoughts...'Lorelai! So, this is where I find you!'
Lorelai wrinkled her brow. Damn, he was back.
'How do you ever expect to be a real woman, Lorelai?' Jiminy continued. 'Look at yourself. Playing with fire! Remember what I said about temptations?'
'I'm so not tempted,' Lorelai thought.
And yet, she couldn't move, standing still in the quiet diner.
'God, what was she thinking?' Luke stared across the diner at the woman who had just entered. Business had tapered off due to the late hour and the spring rain, and he was the sole person confronting the intruder.
But they were not alone. Lorelai had a strange look on her face, the kind she always had whenever she was carrying on a...
Luke forced his thoughts into a new direction. No good could possibly come from remembering the way that Lorelai...
'Better think about baseball,' he thought.
Instead, Star Trek intruded into his thoughts.
It seemed to Luke that the silence between them was now a real entity, like that cloud creature on Star Trek. He could almost see that cloud of silence coming towards him, filling what suddenly seemed to be the deep dark chasm of his diner with icy cold frost. Frost that could sting him, hurt him. Frosty silence that now immobilized him in mid-motion, his arms chest-high, frozen, holding a dishrag, a player in a surreal version of musical chairs.
There were a lot of chairs in the diner.
Lorelai remained equally immobile as she stared across the space between him. Her mind, done berating Jiminy and herself, frantically calculated the options available to her. Door. Counter. Space between. Door. Counter. Space. Door. Luke. Luke. Counter.
Cross? Or not. How many steps?
'Less than ten,' her brain prompted. 'It's just the floor. Just ten steps.'
Jiminy was back. 'Remember what I said about temptations?'
She chanced a glance at Luke and the counter.
Pleasure Island,' Jiminy squeaked, now perched on her head.
Her hand tightened its grasp on the letter, as she realized where her thoughts were going. 'I should just give him the letter and leave,' her mind continued.
Yet the space between them yawned back at her, a dark void she was not even sure she could traverse. And who knew what was on the other side? 'But it's Luke. The town Luke. Our Luke. My Luke!' her mind supplied.
Was that a new mug on the shelf next to the one Rory had donated to the diner when she was 14 and back from a field trip to...
Jiminy rubbed his wings together again.
Lorelai forced herself to peer across the void to the other side, conscious of Luke, Luke! standing across from her.
Not an accidental meeting, this, while coming out of a store. No no. What was she thinking, coming into the diner? A few raindrops never hurt anyone, and weren't half the shampoos in the world rainwater-soft? This was not a good place for her to be...
She shivered.
The last time she'd been here, she'd demanded he come to her, come outside, where she doled out a hysterical ultimatum on a warm spring night. And now on another spring night, a little rain had caused her to come back to Pleasure Isl...to the Forbidden Zone and frozen her to the spot just inside the diner door.
Lorelai couldn't let Luke think that she had screwed up by coming in here, so she decided that she was going to be the first to move. 'It will all work out,' she thought, 'as long as I avoid his eyes. Just put the letter on the counter...and leave.'
She peered at him through the leftmost corner of her left eye, and yes!--this was going to be a surprisingly easy task since he was dourly perusing the countertop. She looked down at the floor, then peered across the void. Ten steps. Ten steps, just ten steps...
Then Luke had to do it.
"Lorelai," his voice husked…barely discernible.
Ah, one of the beautiful noises. She knew that noise, the timbre of his voice when he...The sound of Luke's voice hit her full-on like the crash of a wave breaking against the shore.
And the reaction it provoked in her? Relentless. Inevitable.
Wow, those ten steps sure were huge. No way could she cross the diner.
'But you need him,' Jiminy prompted.
Was Jiminy Cricket right? Did she really need Luke--not just as the guy who poured her coffee back in the day, not just the guy who helped her family when they were in crisis, but Luke. Who had once been her Luke.
Just ten steps, she remembered.
"Lorelai," he repeated.
'Ten steps, doll,' Jiminy encouraged her. 'Remember the time he put strings on you and passed you off as a puppet? Show him, doll!'
But there were definite Luke hazards in front of her: his goodness, his kindness, the way that he was simple yet complex.
She should turn now, and leave.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. She had risked it all when she came that spring night to ask him to elope. She had risked so much for him, for them, and given herself up to help him find himself in his new role as father. Jiminy was right, she had been his puppet. And then she risked it all because she loved him. So very much, more than she loved herself.
The silence continued; Luke did not move. Had he even moved when he said her name moments before?
The selfish Lorelai thing to do would have been to kick his ass to the frozen curb outside the diner that morning when she first met and found out his secret. But she did not take the expected path, opting instead to be the perfect, understanding fiancée. Just like Gwen and Gavin.
Yet still, it came to a disastrous end, in his rival's bed. And now there was this great diner void, and she should just turn, put her hand on the door...and she couldn't bring herself to cross the room to talk to him, but she couldn't leave because then the noise! Those damn diner bells.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why had she come here? She was no longer the Mimi of a few years ago. She was the breaker of hearts, the ruiner of relationships and now of a marriage.
"Lorelai? Lorelai?"
Luke's voice now had a tinge of concern for her in it. She knew that sound so well...
Her eyes closed, a tear slipped through her lashes from under her lids.
'Say something,' Jiminy prompted. 'Say something. You always say something. Except when you really, truly, should.'
"I'm sorry, Luke. I...I shouldn't have come here..." Her words were whispered, barely audible, but it was Luke who was across from her, Luke who knew her so well and could always hear her except when she didn't say something.
But he sure heard her when she said she slept with Christopher and now he heard her as she turned around, grabbed the doorknob, made the bells jangle, and walked out of the diner into the rain.
Luke stood, immobile, Lorelai's departure not registering until the noise of the bells stopped as the diner door closed behind her. Finally he looked up and toward the door.
Luke's eyelids fluttered shut as her words flooded back to him. "I slept with Christopher." Her stony expression still burned his heart. Luke's head ached; he wanted to bury his head in his hands, and try to rub the pain and sorrow and weariness that he thought were gone, away, out of his life. He wanted her noise in his life and not the silence. He wanted to reach out to her, to stop her, to tell her he was sorry that he had driven her to him and could they just stand still for a second and start over?
Lorelai stood outside the diner door, catching her breath after the harrowing experience of leaving the diner. Two customers left Dooses's as she peered across the street. It was that time of year when Taylor festooned the town square with white twinkly lights, and in the rain they looked like tiny shooting stars. In spite of herself, she smiled, happy that she had actually done it: approached and entered the diner...
It took several seconds until Lorelai realized she'd been holding her breath. As she watched a car cross in front of her, she stood, paralyzed at the curb. Unable to move, nearly unable to breathe, standing there, hands empty.
Hands empty!
The letter. She'd dropped it as she reached for the door.