A/N:
Hey people! I apologize profusely for being so late in updating!!! So to make up for taking so long in finishing this chapter, I made sure it was extra long. 3 more pages long, to be exact. :D Hope you enjoyed it! Read and Review~
-Corsiva V.
Edward watched the crew leave for the office, his head spinning from the previous conversations. Then, it hit him.
He was about to go on a date with his superior officer, who also happened to be Colonel Roy-the-bastard-Mustang.
"Oh, shit."
"Lieutenant!"
"Sir."
Hawkeye saluted the Colonel sitting behind the large desk, her eyes betraying no emotion whatsoever that would concern the evil plan the group had concocted just a few minutes ago.
"Where have you been?"
"I went out to get the rest of your useless crew from the restroom, sir."
"Oh? And what were they doing there?"
"They were having some chit-chat, sir."
"Then what did you do?"
Hawkeye's mouth twitched, as if she was trying to suppress a smirk.
"I left a hole in the plaster of the bathroom wall, sir."
"Ah…alright. Back to work then."
Roy sighed and grabbed the closest document to him, scanning it once before signing it lazily and then getting another one. He would never have suspected his most trusted lieutenant was in on a diabolical plan Havoc had started.
He was never going to know what hit him.
"Psst. Oi. Havoc."
Havoc looked up from his pile of paperwork and pretended to look annoyed as he glared at Breda. Time to set things in motion.
"What?!"
"Did you finally ask that girl out?"
"What gir—Oh. Uhh. Yeah, I have. We have a date tomorrow night."
Havoc winced inwardly as he discreetly rubbed his ankle, which Falman had kicked from under the table to keep him from giving the whole scheme away. Looking towards the Colonel, he saw that Roy was suddenly writing slowly, his head slightly cocked in their direction.
Everything was going in the right direction so far.
Everyone suddenly jumped as a loud gunshot rang through the room, a new hole appearing on the wall behind Havoc and Breda.
"Keep writing."
"Y-yes ma'am! Uhh, sir! I meant ma'm! S-sir!"
Riza rolled her eyes.
"Just get back to your work."
Then, muted knocking filled the room. Roy Mustang looked up with everyone else, only to be met with the vision of an angel from Heaven standing by the doorway.
Edward heard the gunshot loud and clear from his position across the hall. Luckily, he hadn't come across any officer, so it saved him the trouble of having to think up of an excuse as to why he was here. Gathering his thoughts, he sucked in a deep breath before walking quietly towards the doorway and knocking on the wooden frame.
"Uum, excuse me, but I believe that there is a second lieutenant Jean Havoc working here…right?"
The blonde tried to keep from wincing at the slightly high pitch he had been practicing. He didn't know whether to feel proud he was so good at acting, or horrified with himself for successfully being able to sound like a girl.
Havoc flashed a millisecond smirk and stood up hastily, taking a few strides towards the doorway, stopping a few meters away and putting a confused expression on his face for everyone to see.
"Ed—Emma! I wasn't expecting to see you here! Is something the matter?"
Edward forced himself to blush, looking up into the blue eyes of the man he was going to kill for putting him up to this. What kind of stupid name was 'Emma'?! Oh, wait…his mom's best friend was named Emma…
"Oh! No, none at all! I….I just wanted to give you something homemade to eat for…for lunch."
He thrust the brown paper bag into Havoc's hands and tucked some hair behind his ear, looking down at his feet. From his peripheral vision, he saw Breda's mouth drop, which might've meant he was doing well so far.
"Havoc, aren't you going to introduce her to us?"
Roy's voice cut through the quiet as he stared intently at the 'girl' by the doorway, smiling cheekily.
"R-right. Guys, this is Emma…Ewell. She works as a part-time nurse in the hospital."
"Nice. Are you still studying, Emma?"
"How long have you been dating Jean?"
"What do you find appealing about him?"
"Was it love at first site?"
"Now, now, guys. Don't bombard her with questions like that. We aren't dating, alright? I only met her a few days ago. Don't scare her off. You okay, Em?"
Havoc watched as Edward stuttered a bit before nodding his head. Man, he sure was a great actor. If Havoc wasn't in on the plan, he would've believed Ed was a girl. He laughed –ahem-maniacally-ahem– inwardly at the thought. This was going to be something he wasn't going to let him live down. Ever.
"I-I'm fine."
"Good. Alright, now to introduce the crew to you."
Havoc wrapped his hand around the younger man's shoulder and pulled him close, ignoring the way Edward's body stiffened at the movement, and pointing at each officer as he called out their names.
"There's Breda, the mightily chubby one ("I AM NOT!!!") Who's great with strategic planning. The one with glasses is Fuery. Falman's the tall guy with white hair sitting beside him, and no, he isn't old. Then that's Riza, the one who keeps everyone in line, and finally, colonel Mustang, the chief of this whole operation."
Edward glanced at the bastard who stood up and walked toward him, hand outstretched.
"Hello there, Emma, I'm Colonel Roy Mustang, pleased to meet you."
Trying to keep from punching the man in the face, Edward took the hand and shook it, smiling sweetly. 'The damn womanizer.'
"Havoc, I believe you have some work to do. While waiting for you to finish, why don't I accompany Ms. Ewell here out to lunch for the meantime?"
Roy smiled at his second lieutenant, ignoring the death glare he was given.
"Yes….sir."
The smoker turned back to Edward and smiled.
"Well, see you later, Em."
"Y-yeah…later."
They hugged awkwardly, awkward because that was how it was supposed to be if they wanted to keep up the pretense, and awkward because they were both guys and if they ever hugged like this in public, their sexuality may have been questioned.
Giving one last glare at Mustang, Havoc turned around and went back to his seat.
"Now come, Ms. Ewell, I shall treat you out to lunch."
"Sir. You're paperwor—"Now, now, I'm almost done with the last stack there, anyway. I can finish it by tonight, lieutenant."
"Just make sure, sir, or the last thing you see will be the black hole of a gun barrel."
Riza lifted the hem of her blue jacket and flashed her pistol threateningly.
"I'll keep that in mind as I chew my food, lieutenant."
Roy smiled and hooked Edward's arm through his elbow, leading him out the doorway.
Edward craned his neck and turned back to pleaded through his eyes for Al to help him. Trying his luck at the 'puppy-dog eyes' effect, which apparently failed since all he got were sniggers from the three men who were supposed to be concentrating on their work.
Apparently, Al had gone momentarily blind since all he did was smile and wave. Edward glared in reply, sending a different message: 'You are so going to pay for that when I get back.' 'IF you get back, brother.' 'Oh, shut up.'
"....re you alright, Ms. Ewell?"
"What? Uhh, yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about some things…"
"I see, well, I was just going to ask you if you wanted to eat at 'Belle's' but if you have any other preferences, I'd be delighted to bring you."
The Fullmetal Alchemist mentally shuddered. Mustang was being so….so…nice. Edward wasn't just feeling strangely unsettled by the decent mannerisms of the Colonel Bastard. He was downright freaked. Yeesh, couldn't the man give him a break?! If he could just act like a jerk, just once, he'd have a reason to walk out.
"No, 'Belle's' is fine."
He gave a small, shy smile for effect, wondering if he really looked like a girl if he could actually be the reason for the way Mustang blinked in wonder, his eyes getting a slight love-struck look. Damn, he was in for it. Why was he doing this again? Oh, right, because the whole town would know he went cross-dressing, albeit against his will.
Fate just reaaaally hated him, didn't it?
Second lieutenant Jean Havoc was at the edge of his seat in suspense. What in the world was taking those two so long?!
"Maybe the Colonel discovered that Emma isn't actually a 'she' by now…"
"No chance! Were you even looking at Ed?! I swear, his acting skills are through the roof!"
"Oh, was that acting? I'm sorry, I thought a real female entered the room and was taken on a date with the Colonel. My apologies."
"Edward never fails at making me feel stupid sometimes. I almost believed he was a girl. No joke."
"What do you think, lieutenant?"
"I think the four of you should get back to work."
"Fine."
"Whatever you say…"
"Alright…"
"At least tell us what you thought?"
"I think that Edward does have immensely good acting skills. Now get back to work."
"I guess this could explain why brother was so good at lying to mom, although she always knew when he was fibbing, for some strange reason…"
"All moms come equipped with that kind of power…and the power that lets them know whether you washed your hands or not…up till now…how does she…???"
Breda slapped Havoc across the back, laughing uproariously at the dubious expression on the other's face.
"We all wonder the same things, Jean. Ahhh…the mysteries of the world…"
"I always wondered how my mom could look angry and not angry at the same time. Whenever I'd step out of line by questioning what she said or retorting or using sarcasm she'd go quiet, her face smiling and gentle, and her voice very sweet, then she'd ask 'Say that again?' Scares the heck out of me I tell you."
"Same, Falman."
"One thing that amazed me about mom was how she was able to get brother to drink his milk. Every. Single. Time."
"Now, that's a miracle in itself. You Elrics are such impossible-doers, aren't you? Save for one Elric, who's just plain impossible."
"Well…not really…"
"Save the humility, Alphonse. We're used to bragging. I mean, we see the Colonel every day, do we not?"
"Oh…right."
There was a loud bang, followed by the hasty scratching of pens on papers.
"I thought I told you three to work."
"You thought you did…"
"Warning number one, Havoc."
"Warning taken into account."
A sigh echoed through the armor sitting on the couch as the seconds ticked by.
"Do you really think he hasn't found out brother by now…?"
"Alphonse, the longer you sit there doing nothing, the longer they're going to take, why don't you do something productive…like help out with this stack of paperwork perhaps—"Nice try, second lieutenant, but I'm not an officer here, so it's not my job."
"Darn. It was worth a try though."
Riza sighed in exasperation, rolling her eyes before cocking her pistol threateningly.
"Warning number two, Havoc. If I don't see that hand moving, my gun will personally see to your loss of limb."
"Woah, lieutenant, calm down for a bit there…"
"There are two bullets left in here. Would you like to see how they'll be used up, Breda?"
"I think I'll pass, thank you."
Everyone paused their banter to look at the two figures that appeared by the doorway.
Finally. It was time to give Mustang hell.
But before Havoc opened his mouth to speak, he drank in the appearance of Edward and his superior. Something was off about them. Very off.
Three glances at Edward showed the blonde's hair to be a little mussed. He was standing awkwardly beside Mustang and seemed to find something very interesting with the ceiling. His cheeks were getting redder by the second, his lips were a little more red than before, his breathing was slightly erratic, and soon, he was biting his bottom lip in what seemed to be embarrassment and nervousness.
Three glances at the Colonel told Havoc that the Colonel's hair was messier than it was this morning. His mouth was twitching, as if he was trying to hide a smile, wait, no, scratch that, I meant smirk. He seemed a little short of breath as well, his cheeks seemed to have a slight tint of pink over the usually pale pallor, and a bead of sweat made it's way down his face. It was Fall season in Amestris for Christ's sake! No one had the luxury to sweat! It was too frikkin' cold!
Last, the ginger haired second lieutenant noticed the last thing off about the two.
They were leaning away from each other as much as they could without trying to be noticed.
The deathly silence behind him let him know that everyone had analyzed them too…and had not yet come to the same conclusion he was about to.
Then realization dawned upon his poor mind.
Oh. My. God.
"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!!!"
"Colonel….you…."
"This wasn't supposed to happen!!!!"
"Damn…I mean….damn."
"Shit! This is bad!! …!!!"
"Uh…oh…"
"Sir, I think what you did was highly inappropriate."
"What did I do, lieutenant?"
Jean Havoc stared at the Colonel before suddenly exploding again, his arms flailing around as he ran around the room.
"!!!"
"What…?"
Mustang stepped back as Havoc stopped in front of him and leaned in close, glaring blue into black eyes as he enunciated each word properly.
"You. Kissed. The. Fullmetal. Alchemist."
"WHAT?!!?"
Roy looked over at the 'girl' beside him and finally noticed how much broader her shoulders were than other women he knew.
"OH…SHIT."
"THAT WOULD BE THE CORRECT WAY TO PUT IT."
"You mean…..that she….is….oh shit…!!"
"Remove the damn 's' in 'she' Colonel and you'll get the real Emma Ewell!!"
"How….Edward….WHAT?!"
Havoc left the Flame Alchemist to freak and made his way over to the 'oh-so-great-actor', grabbing him by the collar and yelling into his face.
"And YOU."
Edward shrunk back, his voice going up a few more octaves.
"….me…?"
"HOW COULD YOU LET THE COLONEL KISS YOU GODDAMMIT?!?!?"
"I…I…I don't know….he just…you know….leaned over suddenly…and then….it happened….I didn't have any time to think…"
"THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE!!! YOU'RE A QUICK-THINKER, ED!!! SO WHY DIDN'T YOU….THINK?!?!?!"
While Havoc was busy shouting, the rest of the crew sat in silence, unable to let the ordeal sink into their frozen minds.
They just couldn't believe it.
Or maybe it was more of 'wouldn't' than 'couldn't', which was understandable, seeing as they had not expected this.
Who would?
Silence.
Tense, weird, cold, deathly, awkward silence.
Then, a strange sound was heard.
It sounded like someone was letting air out of the balloon, but in short bursts.
They turned their heads towards the source of the noise, which pointed in the direction of the blonde quietly standing by the doorway.
"Pffffffffffffffffffff…"
More air, a shaking blonde. Was he crying?
"Pfff…he…..pfffff…hehe….pfff..hehehe…"
Waiiiiiiit a second…
"Pff…ha….hahaha….pffff….hahahahahahaha….haha…pfff…!"
Then there was a strange sucking sound, like Fuery sounded like when he tried to breathe after Havoc persuaded him to try one smoke.
Edward suddenly fell to the ground, coughing violently as he shook.
"Edward…?"
Silence.
And then, a bomb was set-off.
"!!!!!!!!!"
The blonde pounded the ground as he rolled, tears evident on his cheeks as he laughed.
Really laughed.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE LOOK ON YOUR FACES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PRICELESS!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"….what…?!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! WAHAHAHA!!!"
"What are you talking about?!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MUSTANG!!! YOU EXPLAIN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Everyone turned toward the black haired man and saw that he too was laughing, silently, that is.
But if he let out one sound, they knew the whole building would've shook with laughter.
How did they know?
Because the Colonel was also on the floor shaking so hard he looked like he was having a seizure, or an aneurism, whichever works fine.
"……"
That was the only reply they got.
"WOULD YOU TWO JUST TELL US WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!"
"Haha..sorry…ha…but Fullmetal was right…hahaha….your faces…..haha…..especially Havoc's….hahaha….alright….ha….alright…..haha….I'm….ha….ready….ha…"
"Get yourself together, sir, or so help me I'll make sure you never laugh again."
"Okay…haha….okay…ha…"
Mustang got up shakily and leant against the doorway for support, still snickering.
On the other hand, Edward had finally gone past the point of laughing out loud and was now a rolling, silent, shaking mass on the floor, a waterfall of tears cascading down his face. It was some kind of cycle. He'd calm himself down, breathe in and out deeply, then the faces of the crew would pop up in his mind's eye and he was back to square one.
"If you keep that up, Edward, you'll get a heart attack. Really."
"….."
"Yeah, great talking to you too."
"….."
Riza's cold voice permeated the air as she spoke to her still-laughing superior.
"Sir, if you don't stop laughing now, I will leave this room, call Major Armstrong, and tell him you thought that he is one of the greatest alchemists you know."
That sobered the Colonel up quickly, not that anyone could blame him.
What would you do if just the thought of Major Armstrong hounding you because you praised him? I would definitely stop laughing. The mental image of the scenario is not pretty.
"Ahem…alright, I'll tell you…ha…ahem….You see, what happened was…haha…"
AN AWESOME FLASHBACK:
"Are you ready to order, sir?"
The waitress's annoyingly sweet voice cut through Edward's thoughts, making him glower silently at the girl's back, which Ed felt was facing him on purpose. Good grief! Were all shallow women always so competitive?? He didn't even know the girl!
"Not yet, thank you. Although I believe my guest may have already chosen something to order."
Roy stressed the word 'guest' as he gestured towards his date, forcing the waitress to turn her unwanted attention towards the cross-dresser.
"Would you like to order anything?"
"Uuh…not yet, thanks."
Edward didn't like the way she glared at him, all though she had pulled her lips up into a weird, very obviously forced smile. The brunette waitress huffed in annoyance, gave one last attempt of a dazzling smile at Mustang before stomping off, leaving the two.
"So, Emma, how has work as a nurse working out for you so far?"
Oh great…he's started the small talk. He hated small talk. He despised it to the ends of the earth.
"Quite fine, thank you. Although there are those rude patients every now and then…"
"I see. And your family? Are you an only child or do you have any siblings?"
"Well, I have a younger sister, Anna. She's about a year younger than me, but she helps around the house instead of working."
"What about your parents?"
"My mother works in a small flower shop while my father's a mechanic."
"I see…"
Roy went silent as he stared into Edward's eyes, a small smile tugging at his lips. The conversation soon continued once the meal arrived, brought by a different waitress this time.
Looks like Ed won that round.
Walking out of the restaurant, Edward found the sky starting to darken. Apparently, their lunch had extended over to early dinner with all the talking they had.
Strangely, he didn't seem to mind as much, but it still freaked him out.
Soon enough, they were outside of headquarters.
"Thanks for the lunch…or early dinner."
The blonde blushed realistically and looked down, fidgeting a bit. Suddenly, a large shadow blocked the light and she looked up, only to be staring into Roy's intense raven gaze. And then he noticed how close they were. Very close. Too close.
"It was my pleasure…"
Roy leaned forward, wrapping a large arm around the small waist and pulling Edward closer.
Edward felt his personal-space bubble being seriously breached. Alarms were going off, but he couldn't move. Of all times to freeze, this just might win the jackpot for being the worst ever. He could feel spiky locks brushing against his cheek as his superior leaned even closer, warm breath tickling his ear.
"….Fullmetal."
…..…
………..
…………..
"!!!!!!!!"
"Shh! I didn't know this whole time, I only realized it after Havoc introduced you!!"
"How could…but….I was…and then you were….when did…AARGGH!!?!"
Roy laughed, petting his subordinate.
"DON'T PET ME!!!"
"Alright, alright. But I only did this for kicks. Now at least you look flustered."
"Now what? You're going to tell me you had a plan this whole time and were just waiting for the right moment to put it into action??"
"Yes."
"WHAT?!"
"If you're still interested, the plan includes getting revenge on Havoc and the crew and it'll be the best laugh you'll ever have. So are you in?"
"….Fine. But I'm only doing it to get back at Havoc."
"Whatever suits you best, so here's how it's going to be…."
END OF AWESOME FLASHBACK.
"And that's what happened."
Roy smiled smugly as everyone collected their minds, which had been blown out of proportion by the scheming bastard.
That plan was brilliant.
And then finally, Edward spoke…without laughing.
"The hunter's been hunted, eh, Second Lieutenant Havoc?"
"Oh, shut up."
"Whatever you say~"
"I can still hold your acting against you!!"
"…No!! No you can't!!"
"At least we now know that Fullmetal would be good for spying."
"So this prank turned out to be useful after all, sir?"
"Yes, First Lieutenant Hawkeye. It has turned out to be very useful."
And so that marked the end of a very eventful day.
But also started the beginning of the very famous Colonel Mustang Squad Prank Wars of Central Headquarters.
Hell was still to come.
THE END