Naruto is not mine, Kishimoto owns it. Unfortunately. Was Expecting Epic Gaara fight, and what do I get?
Omoi... Go FUCK YOUSELF KISHI!
Well, yes. Not mine, don't sue.
Love You Kishi.
On with the Show.
Itachi's Log. Shinobi Year 549.
Pocky supply is running dangerously low, thanks to Kisame, saw him sneak some of the strawberry last night, but decided not to call him out, it's good for his self esteem if he believes he can get past my eyes.
Even though he can't.
It does mean we'll have to bump up our supply run by a week, and delay the capture of Ro... I mean the Gobi Jinchuriki by a week.
I'm sure Leader-sama will understand. Madara... not so much.
Great. It seems Na... ugh... the Kyubi Jinchuriki, remember Itachi, stay aloof, rubbed off on me more than I thought. That isn't good.
Speaking of the Kyubi Jinchuriki, movements have him abandoning Konoha, shortly following my foolish little brother's attempt to defect.
Oh, right. Screw what Madara wants, next time I see Orochimaru, I'm going to skin him like the Snake he wishes he was.
Wonderful, more of Naru... the Kyubi Jinchuriki, rubbing off on me.
Leader-sama has a tail on him, he seems to be more powerful than anticipated, at least according to the tail. But most any Jonin or up Shinobi of Konoha could have told them that.
I could have told them that.
But no, Leader-sama and Tobi know best.
I have to go now, Kisame looks bored, and when he gets bored he bothers me, and I can't have him see my journal.
Mangyekou or not, he'd never be scared of me again if he knew I had something even remotely related to a diary.
Even though, it totally isn't.
Ugh, damn it Naruto!
I suppose the name should have made it obvious. In fact it did, I was expecting this, but still.
"Why is there so much Goddamn SAND?" Oh I really hope that sounded better out loud than in my head.
"The place is called Suna, what the hell did you expect Gaki-Ninja?" Oh she's underestimating me. I mean, I can understand that I guess, after all, I haven't really done much to get me on the radar, I just beat her insane Jinchuriki brother while he was possessed by Shukaku... oh wait a minute.
Doesn't matter, she'll see. Everyone will see.
Unless they're blind, then they'll just hear.
What was I saying again?
I don't know, oh hey, ramen stand, awesome. Time to introduce Gaara, to the wonders of sweet brothy goodness that is, Miso Noodles with my namesake on top.
"So, this is all you do in here?" The once again youthful Hokage asked incredulously.
"Well I didn't do anything for 13 years apparently, feels longer, but that's what solitary confinement does to a guy, especially when you have nothing to entertain you but a pack of cards and your own penis. But hey! I'm not alone anymore, so I say again Sarutobi. Go. Fish."
Sarutobi sighed as his successor to the Red Kage Hat talked, 13 years alone seemed to be quite a bit detrimental to the stability of a man's mind. He didn't remember Namikaze Minato to be anywhere near as insane as his progeny, but apparently it was buried in there somewhere.
"This is the man who succeeded you Saru?" The Nidaime Hokage, Tobirama, chuckled; "Seriously?"
And in front of his Teachers and Predecessors. Wonderful.
"Yes, this is Minato, the Yondaime... but in my defense, he had a much better grasp on his sanity before his soul was devoured by the Shinigami and he spent 13 years with no one but himself for company." Hiruzen sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"It also helps that I slaughtered half of Iwa's Shinobi force within the span of a single, solitary, individual, lonely minute." Minato piped up with a happy cheer.
"Really?" Hashirama, the Shodai Hokage asked, intrigue drenching his words. "What kind of technique could inflict such devastation? Fire? Wind? Earth? Water? Lightning?"
"Nope. I just flashed them my spiraling balls."
Somehow, the empty white space with no ambient noise whatsoever became even quieter, for a second at least.
"BLACKJACK! SUCK IT BITCHES!"
'I bet Naruto and Itachi don't have to deal with insanity like this.'
"Hey Itachi?"
"Yes Kisame?
"Can I kill that old guy?"
Itachi started suddenly as he turned towards where he was pointing. What he found confused him, Genjutsu perhaps? No, his Sharingan was on. Alright, he was now intrigued.
"Kisame?"
"Yeah Itachi?"
"You want to kill that old man?"
"Oh yeah."
"The old man in the wheelchair?"
"Ayup."
"The old man in the wheelchair, who just wet himself, Kisame?"
"Yeah that guy."
Averting his gaze, so he could compose the disbelief off his face, he spoke one word.
"Why?"
"I don't like people who are different."
Okay, this time he very nearly lost his composure.
"You're 6ft tall, blue and have gills, you have zero room to talk about people being different."
"I meant different than me." Kisame replied, as if he were talking to a five year old. "Sharks are after all the Master Race. The only reason I don't try to kill you, is because I know you'd hang me from a tree with my own intestines"
"I thank you for your... generosity. But even so, you may not kill the old, incontinent man in the wheelchair."
"...Aw man." Kisame pouted, scuffing his sandel against the ground, looking as every bit kicked puppy that he could muster, being the aforementioned 6ft tall blue shark man. "Well have you at least reconsidered joining the Master Race of Shark People? We got our own union now."
"No Kisame. Union or not, my answer is still a very emphatic no." Itachi drawled, Mangyeko glare added in for good measure.
"Aw c'mon, 'tachi. I'm pretty sure your Sharingan would stay intact, and I'm like 50% sure it won't mutate."
Gritting his teeth Itachi just sped up, fingernails digging into his palms. 'Will not kill idiot. Will not kill idiot. Will not kill idiot.'
"Hey, hey Itachi! Wait up! Don't leave me with all these Air Breathers! Itachi, c'mon. Itachi?"
'Will not kill idiot. Will not kill Idiot."
"ACHOO!" Oh man, someone must be talking about me. Shame about the ramen I sneezed out though. All over the floor in a great noodly mess. Mixing in with the sand... ugh. Not cool.
"Uzumaki?"
Oh yeah, 1 hour in Suna and I've already got Gaara matching my pace in the devouring of God's Noodly Treat. Maybe it's a Jinchuriki thing?
"Yeah Gaar?"
"Was cardinal rule number 1 of Ramen "Waste not for thou shalt be punished with pain on the face?"
Oh... shit. I forgot I told him that, but damn, to think he's already memorized the cardinal rules, go Gaara.
"...um, possibly." This is going to hurt isn't it?
Oh hey, look, more sand...
"Fuck."
Well, I can safely say I will no longer whine about dealing with deserts. Having an entire sandpit shoved into your face at speed enough to leave it completely black 'n' blue is far worse. But there is 1 good thing to come out of this.
I have converted another to the Church of Ramen.
My face isn't too happy about it though.
"So you are Uzumaki Naruto?"
Huh, oh right, I'm meeting with Suna's council now. Just as old and just as crusty as Konoha's. Difference is they don't look like a bunch of self important assholes. In fact, they seem to care about the well being of their Village and their Country.
Go figure.
"I am."
"You are the one who defeated Gaara during the... invasion?"
The man is looking mildly uncomfortable now, the whole Council actually, not to mention the shuffling ANBU hiding in the shadows.
"Yes, that's me. Is there a point to this, Councilman?"
"There is, we... we wish to thank you."
Okay... not what I was expecting. They just keep defying the norm set by Konoha.
"Thank me for what?"
He shifts his eyes to the rest of the Council, a good majority are looking nervous, others just appear angry, their raging glares burning into me. Like a focused beam of light onto an ant. Huh, I'm poetic today, oops talking again, my bad.
"...ou for helping Gaara get over his hatred and bloodlust." Oh, they're thanking me for that. Huh, I'm cool with that. "We had realized a long time ago, our actions regarding him may have been er..."
"Stupid, brainless, deficiant, dense, dim, doltish, dopey, dull, dumb, foolish, half-baked, half-witted..."
"Yes, yes. Those."
Damn, I had like 10 more as well.
"To create a weapon, housing 1 of the most powerful demons in existence, I can understand the desire, being one of the big 5." I nodded wisely, like a Sage. "But then to abuse and attempt to murder said container, pretty much guaranteeing his hate and spite probably wasn't one of your smartest moves."
He sighed, tired and worn out, wonder if it's because he's just had his mistakes rubbed in his face, or from dealing with me. Both have been known to cause similar reactions.
"As I said, we realized that fact a long time ago Uzumaki-san. A lot of us sooner than later. But by then, it was far too late, and Gaara had already descended into the madness you became acquainted with."
Acquainted. I suppose that's one way of putting it.
"Since the end of the Chunin exams, Gaara has been helping organize the village, and he has already found several ways to bring in new missions, and already we are pushing out an average of 10 more missions a day then we were prior to the... invasion."
Oh silly man, still worried about bringing up the invasion. Ah well, plenty of time to guilt him later, for now, it was time to bring Suna in on the PLAN! At least their part in it.
Have I mentioned the plan yet? It's very important, that Plan of ours.
Wow, wow, wow. An update? Seriously? And on your only non-reviewed piece of literature Jordan? Fuck me.
So yeah, hi. No not dead. Just not really been motivated to type up... well, anything, really. At all. No excuses, no blame games. Just couldn't be fucked.
Well that and Plot walled. Might need to start some rewrites to get Four Front War, Ninja Yarn and Playing With Reality anywhere plot wise... sigh, sigh, sigh.
Also, yes, Naruto is incredibly ADHD here, just as he was in the beginning of canon. It won't be as pronounced once we reach Shippuden, but it'll still be there.
Gonna go punch a wall now, remember criticism is appreciated. Flamers will be ignored. The Plan is Trademarked Jordan B. 2010.
Peace out.
PS - Go check out Durarara! Now!