Chapter Two: Somewhere In Between
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls (obviously.)
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He wasn't sure how he even convinced himself that coming here would be a good idea, or would be at all productive to pulling him out of the rut he had buried himself so deeply into. But, nonetheless, here he sat. Miserable and reminiscent. He sat on the steps he'd sat on so many times in this place. He told himself that he came here to think, to remember and to let go. But deep in his mind, in a place he couldn't seem to bring to the surface, he knew that he really came to just be close to her. Even if she didn't know he was close, he wanted to be near her.
His mind was a movie, playing in flashbacks as he sat on the wooden steps that held more than a few memories. But at this moment, his mind wasn't playing a scene that had taken place on these steps. His mind was playing the night he'd first known that he loved her. The night, it seemed to him now, that ruined him forever.
It was raining harder than he'd ever seen outside the windows of his bedroom. She sat in the chair in the corner of his room, reading, of course. He also sat with a book, but he only seemed to be reading. Watching her had always been so much more entertaining for him. He loved to read, but he couldn't seem to make himself when she was near him. His eyes traced over the way her legs were tucked under her body, the way a piece of her brown hair fell over her eyes. He watched the way she held onto the book so tightly, the way her eyes sparkled as they traced the words. God, he loved watching her.
Finally, she looked up at him, meeting his gaze and she blushed, pushing her hair behind her ears and smiling shyly. "What?" she asked timidly and he grinned.
"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. "I just, I like watching you that's all."
She rolled her eyes. "Why?" she laughed and he let out a calm sigh. He loved the sound of her laughter. He loved the way she read a book. He loved the way she watched movies, the way her hair looked back in a ponytail, the way it fell across her shoulders when the rare occasion occurred and she let it hang loose. He loved the way her eyes sparkled when she was interested. He loved that he could make her blush so easily. He loved everything about her.
"Why?" she repeated and he looked up at her, his gaze was now solemn and searching hers. He bit down on his bottom lip and studied her with great intensity. She met his eyes, confusion spread through hers. She smiled in both humor and confusion. "Why do you like watching me so much?" she asked again, a bit slower this time.
He looked down at the floor for a moment, frowning in thought and then glancing back up into her eyes. He smiled at her. He stood, walking over to her and kneeling in front of the chair. He pulled her face softly into his hands and pressed his forehead against hers.
She frowned slightly but allowed him to do what he wished. She let her own hands cover his on her face. And she whispered. "What is it?"
He smiled lightly and kissed her quickly and softly before whispering. "I love you, Mary."
She let her eyes open wider and her arms went quickly around his neck. She pulled him as close as she could to herself, taking in every part of the moment, everything he was wearing and every smile and the way he smelt and the sound of his voice. She traced every piece of the moment before pulling away from him only enough to look into his eyes. "I love you too, Tristan," she whispered. "I love you too."
His smile grew from a light hearted smirk to a grin that spread across his entire face and reached up and into his eyes. The happiness in his chest turning his turquoise eyes a sparkling silver blue. He kissed her forehead. "God, I was hoping you'd say that," he mumbled and she chuckled softly.
"What are we going to do with you, Tristan Janlan DuGrey?" she teased and he shook his head, laughing as she kissed him slowly.
"Be with me forever?" he suggested between kisses. "Or, at least until you get sick of me," he teased.
She smiled. "I could never get sick of you, Tris. You're the only person I can see myself having a future with, you know that? You're it, Tristan. You're stuck with me."
Tristan pulled her closer and smiled. "Good. Because I want all of you. And I want you forever, all to myself."
She snuggled into his hold and he gave a contented sigh. "I love you, Tris."
He kissed the top of her head. "I love you too, Mar."
Well, so much for that future. He thought now. So much for forever. He covered his eyes with his hands and ran them up and into his already disheveled hair. Why did he come here, why did he think putting himself through this obvious torture would help anything. If it was doing something for him, it was only making him miss her more, want her more, strengthen what he already knew was his love for her. Thinking about the strength of their love flung his mind back into another memory. One that wasn't so happy, so perfect, one where they weren't so young anymore.
He was still asleep when she walked into the room, sitting beside his bed and wiping the recurring stream from her already tear-stained face. She reached out to take his hand and as much as he wanted to he couldn't squeeze her fingers back when she asked him to. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't bring his fingers to wrap tighter around hers. But he heard every word she said to him.
He could hear the tears rolling down her cheeks and it hurt him more than he ever thought it could. But he couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't tell her he could hear her, or tell her he loved her, or that it would all be alright. He was in the dark now, and all he could do was listen.
"Tristan," she started. "God, Tristan, I hope you can hear me. I don't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I never expected my phone to ring and bring me that phone call. I never expected this. I waited for it and hoped it would never happen, but I never expected it. I can't do this. Not now, God, not ever. I can't just sit here and watch you leave me without a fight. I can't just hold your hand while you slip away. I can't watch you go like this, Tristan. You're too strong for this, you're too brave, and wonderful. You're too much of a fighter for this, Tristan. I can't lose you! I love you too much!"
She cried then, she really cried. She buried her head into the blankets on his bed and cried. She held onto him and let her tears run rivers into his sheets. And he couldn't stop her. He couldn't hold her, he couldn't tell her it was all okay. As hard he tried he couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't squeeze her hand. But he fought. She needed him and he fought as hard as he could for her. He forced himself to move just one finger, to just graze her palm with his own hand.
She opened her eyes, looked up at him and squeezed tighter onto his hand. Slowly, he fought to open his eyes. Finally his body pushed open his eyes. His throat was so rough he didn't think he could form a coherent sentence. So he did the best he could. He squeezed her hand as tightly as he could. She jumped at first but then looked up at him. She looked him right in the eyes and the first thing she said to him had been: "Don't you ever leave me again."
And he'd forced a smile and nodded. "God Tristan, I was so scared! I was so afraid that you weren't going to make it, I was so scared you wouldn't fight hard enough, that you wouldn't ever open your eyes again. I was so god damned scared that I'd never see you smile again!"
Tristan's forced smile faded then and a frown replaced it, he took her hand and held in tightly in his own. He gave a gesture toward the water glass and she reached for it, helping him take a drink. He cleared his throat and breathed heavily for a few minutes before speaking. "I'll never lose you, baby. I couldn't let you go. I love you more than anything." He coughed roughly and winced but continued softly. "If I have a chance to survive I'm taking it. I'm alive because of you, Mary. You know that? You're the reason my eyes are open again. You're what I live for, babe. I need you."
Her eyes filled with tears that rolled over and spilled down her cheeks once again. "I love you too," she mumbled. "I can't lose you, Tristan."
He sighed, wincing slightly and closed his eyes. "You won't lose me, Mary. I'm not goin' anywhere. You're stuck with me, baby."
She grinned. "I love you more than you could ever know, Tris."
He nodded slowly. "I love you too, baby."
She kissed his forehead, brushing his hair, slightly shorter now, back from the skin to cool him down slightly. "Sleep, Tristan," she shushed him. "I'll still be here when you're eyes open again. I'll always be right here."
He kept his eyes closed, breaking himself from the trance he'd let himself delve into. His years in the army were hard on both of them. To be honest they were what tore them apart. But the days she spent in that hospital with him were probably some of the best days of his life. Because he was with her, and she loved him, and they were going to be together forever, and nothing else mattered. He decided the day she walked out of his life, or more like the day he let her go, that fairy tales were a lie. Or maybe, just his fairy tales.
Tristan sighed, ruffling his own hair firmly and sighing deeply. He opened his eyes. He opened his eyes, and she wasn't there. She wasn't standing in front of him the way he imagined she would be. She wasn't there. So obviously she couldn't tell him how much she loved him, how much she wanted him, how much she'd missed him. That she loved him as much as he'd always hoped for. That she needed him the way he needed her. He'd probably never hear that again.
Tristan sighed deeply, his hands automatically going into his hair as if on instinct. He thought about everything in those few moments. He watched his life with her as if it was a movie. And the next scene played out behind his closed eyelids.
It was pouring rain outside as he watched her run. She ran away from him, away from her parents and their arguing, away from her grandparents' mediating, away from everything and everyone. He turned to face them all, rage fuming through his entire body. "What the hell is wrong with you people?" he hollered. He didn't wait for a response, merely flung the door open, slamming it behind him as he ran out into the rain after her and the rest of the room noticed for the first time, that she wasn't there anymore.
He ran as fast as he could, trying to catch her. He knew she wouldn't run for long, she never was one for running. He found her quickly. She'd made it as far as the steps of the town gazebo and had collapsed into what seemed to be a flowing river of the rainfall. He came closer, the rain falling hard around them and not letting up in the slightest. He knelt down beside her and held his arms out to her. "Come here," he told her, gently but firm enough for her to look up at him. She shook her head.
"Don't do this. Not now, don't shy away from me now. Please."
She pulled back, sitting up with her legs hugged tightly into her chest. "We can't defy normality forever, Tristan," she mumbled.
He looked at her quickly, his face not hiding any of the hurt that he felt. "Yes we can. Yes we can, Rory. I love you."
She shook her head. "Maybe love isn't enough."
Tristan stood, backing away and shaking his head, water droplets falling from his hair to mix with the still pouring rain. "Don't say that. Not now, not after everything. Not when I need you more than I've ever needed anyone."
He couldn't tell now if the water drops on her face where rain or tears but she shook them away. "Didn't you listen, Tristan! I can't do this! I can't be my parents! I can't, and I won't!"
Tristan pulled her up to a standing position and shook her shoulders. "We are not your parents, Rory! We aren't and we never will be! I'm not Christopher! I'm not going anywhere, I love you! I won't leave you!"
She turned her head away from him and he pulled her back to face him. "I love you too, Tristan. You know that I do. I love you more than anything in this world. But look around us. We're hurting everyone and everything. My family is falling apart because of us. You're father hates me, you're losing him because of me. We're destroying our world, and hurting the people that love us."
Tristan shook his head. "No! No, Rory we aren't doing anything wrong! Why can't you see that? You're family is not our fault. Its not your fault. Lorelai loves you, Rory. Chris loves you. You're grandparents love you. Every single one of those people want you to be happy and I'm what makes you happy and you know that as well as I know that I can't ever be happy without you. And I don't give a damn if my father hates anyone. My father is an ass and I've been losing him for a long damn time! You are my entire world, Rory. I love you, you love me, we want to be together. Your family is not your fault. We are not your parents and we never will be. And damn it, Rory you know all this as well as I do. But if you need me to stand here in the pouring rain and tell you exactly why I love you and exactly why I need you and exactly why we should be together, then I'll get pneumonia standing out here cold and soaking wet and tell you over and over again. I love you, Rory Gilmore. Nothing on this whole god damn earth is ever going to change that. If you're parents don't like me, fine! I'll try harder if that's what you want. If you don't want me then just say so. But you know as well as I do that it would be a lie. Because you want me. I want you, I love you. And you love me back. And you know it.
Rory tucked her sopping hair behind her ear and sobbed, throwing herself into his arms and clinging to his neck. "I love you. I love you. You know that I love you, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you but I was so scared of becoming my parents and I was so afraid of losing everything and then losing you too. I love you, Tristan. I'm so sorry." She mumbled on and buried her face into his chest sobbing and mumbling her sorrow and her love for him. And he held her against him in the pouring rain until they were laughing again and the rain began to soften.
"I don't want to go home tonight," she whispered and he nodded.
"Okay," was all he said and he took her hand.
As Tristan's eyes opened he let his head loll back and his eyes made contact with the ceiling of the gazebo, tracing it's patterns to calm himself a bit before looking back ahead of him.
"I figured you'd show up one of these days."
The voice coming from the face in front of him shouldn't have surprised him. He should have known that she would've expected him. "Lorelai," he nodded to her lightly, no emotions showing on his face.
She rolled her eyes and he noticed, not for the first time, how close a resemblance she bore to her daughter. It almost pained him to meet her eyes. "Tristan," she mocked, mirroring his emotionless tone.
He smiled softly, unable to help it as she teased him. She'd always enjoyed teasing him. And most of the time he teased her back. It was a healthy mother/daughter's boyfriend banter they'd always shared. But he couldn't bring himself to do anymore than smile and nod. He loved Lorelai as much as he loved his own mother. And he couldn't seem to put on his "tough guy" face. Not with her.
"How have you been, kid?" She smiled down at him and he forced his own smile back to her.
"I've been good," he lied and she raised her eyebrows, catching the lie before it was even completely out of his mouth.
"Don't lie to me, Tristan. I know you better than that."
He nodded, smirking lightly. "You talked to Jess didn't you?"
She shrugged. "Now do you really think that I could reveal all my secrets to you silly, silly boy?" She laughed and he chuckled lightly, shaking his head.
"No, I suppose not."
She nodded. "That's right." She studied him for a few moments and her face softened to him. "How have you really been, Tristan?"
He shook his head with a deep sigh. "Honestly?" He raised an eyebrow and then frowned. "Awful," he admitted.
Lorelai nodded. "I figured as much," she said sorrowfully. "I've tried talking to her about what happened. About you, about anything really," she shook her head in remorse. "She just won't talk to me."
Tristan nodded, a pained expression on his features as if hearing about her had burned him. "I don't know what to do, Lorelai. I miss her. My life is just a train wreck without her, but she doesn't want me."
Lorelai shook her head. "I don't think that's it, Tristan. I think she's afraid."
"Of me!? That's crazy!"
"No, honey. Not of you. I think she's afraid of how much she loves you. You broke her heart when you didn't come home that extra six months. She couldn't let you break her. She's too strong to show people that she's broken. But she loves you. Trust me, she loves you."