"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Jack whispered to the inside of his bedroom door. He ran his hands up and down the smooth wood, resting his ear against the panel and listening to the squeak of Sam walking along the hall. Walking away from him, again. Sometimes he could almost remember why. Sometimes he could almost remember who he was, or rather, who he was supposed to be. Twisting around, he planted his back against the door. Slowly his knees sagged and he slid down to sit hunched over on the carpet. For a couple of minutes tonight he felt right, like that was the man he really was. To call her "Carter" and feel like she respected him as an equal. As a man. Not a little boy trapped in a man's body.
"Don't forget to wash your hands." She was right to remind him. He was already reaching for the refrigerator to grab a snack when she said it. Like a little kid.
He punched his fists into the sides of his head. Why couldn't he remember? Dr. Fraiser told him it was all still there. Everything he knew, all his memories were still inside his brain. He just had to pick them up and put them in order again, like a big puzzle. But there were too many pieces and he didn't have a picture of what the puzzle should look like, so how could he put it together? He could feel his eyes start to smart with tears of frustration.
When the first warm drops splashed on his bare legs he got mad. Jumping up, he went into his bathroom and stared at the face in the mirror. An unruly shock of graying hair fell over his forehead; he had little wrinkles at the corners of his brown eyes. "You need a shave, for crying out loud. You're a grown man. Grown men don't cry."
He touched his reflection, tracing the tears running down his cheeks. "Grown men don't cry," he whispered mournfully.
Eventually, Jack washed his face again and went to bed. He laid there and, like too many nights, re-hashed embarrassing incidents of the last few months.
Daniel had to go to the museum to get something for work and took him along. They were going to see the mummies and other cool stuff when Daniel was done with his friend. There were airplanes hanging in the big hall and he wanted to wait out there and look at the planes. But he wandered away and got lost. The little girl was just being nice and taking him back where he was supposed to be. Her mom didn't have to start screaming at him. And the policemen hurt him when they pushed him down on the floor. They were trying to take him away and he was yelling over and over for Daniel.
He didn't want to go out again for weeks.
Teal'c took him to the park to see the kite festival. That was neat. Some really pretty kites jumping all over the sky. They stayed all day and even got dinner from the hot dog guy. Teal'c was getting ice cream while they were waiting for the band concert to start when this little boy ran up yelling, "Colonel Jack, Colonel Jack. Hi!"
The boy jumped right at him. Jack had to catch him or he would fall. He was trying to make the child let go, so he wouldn't get in trouble again. The youngster took Jack's baseball cap and started waving it and hollering for his mom and dad. "I found Colonel Jack, Mom. I told you he'd be back, didn't I?"
Jack was prying the boy's arms from around his neck as the parents came over. "I didn't do anything, honest. He just jumped on me. I didn't do anything," wildly, he tried to explain.
The lady looked at him funny and made her son get down and stand behind her. Jack glanced around for the policemen that would try to hurt him again. Teal'c's comforting voice and strong arm on his shoulder calmed him down. He sat on the picnic table while Teal'c talked.
The little boy came over and stood in front of him. "Colonel Jack," he said quietly, "I'm Billy. Don't you remember? Are you sick or something?"
Jack shook his head. Finally he looked at the boy. "I got hurt," he said, brushing his hand over the short scruff of hair that couldn't hide his scars.
Silently Billy handed back the baseball cap and watched while his friend tugged it down tight. When his Mom told him they were leaving, he solemnly held out his hand for Jack to shake. "Bye, Colonel Jack. I hope you get better soon."
They didn't stay for the concert.
He went grocery shopping with Sam and got to push the cart up and down the aisles. He didn't even hit anything with it. Well, almost nothing. But that lady swooshed around the corner and banged into him. She gave him a hug and a kiss and looked real happy to see him. Until Sam came back, then she didn't look so happy.
Sam asked him to pick out what cereal he wanted for breakfast while she talked to Sara. He looked for a long time at all the boxes; trying to remember what kind they gave him in the hospital. Those were good. Finally he picked out three that looked kinda right and brought them back to Sam.
"You want all three of these, Jack?" she asked. "They're almost all the same."
"No. Just one. Which one's," he hesitated, trying to get the name right, "Froot Loops?"
Sara shook her head and laughed, "No matter what, you'll never forget the Froot Loops, will you, Jack?"
"I like 'em. Lots," he answered, shrugging his shoulders. He took the other cereal boxes back to the shelves. When he came back, Sam and Sara were still talking. Picking up his box of cereal, he traced a finger over the letters trying to make them mean something. He knew they should mean something.
"Jack." Sam touched his hand to get his attention. "Sara is going to have dinner with us tonight. Is that OK with you?"
"Sure." He leaned over near Sam to say softly, "I remember I liked Sara."
"Yes, Jack. You liked Sara a lot," Sam answered just as softly.
Sara gave him another hug before she left.
Dinner was fun. They had hamburgers on the grill and Sam let him help cook. Sara brought a pumpkin pie for dessert. She said it was one of his favorite pies. He had two pieces with whipped cream.
Sam and Sara were still talking when he went to bed. He was just falling asleep when the first rumbles of thunder started. It was always Daniel or Teal'c with him before when it stormed. And, for some reason, he didn't want Sara or Sam to know that the thunder and lightning scared him. He tried to stay in his bedroom. Finally he couldn't take it any more. Snatching up his pillow and blanket, he balled them up together and snuck out. He was turning the handle on the walk-in closet in the hall, his hidey-hole from storms, when he heard Sam.
"Jack, what's wrong?"
He didn't want to turn around. He didn't want them to see how scared he was. He never used to be scared … before.
The next flash of lighting was followed immediately by crack of thunder so loud the windows rattled. He jerked open the door and dove to the back of the closet, where he curled up on his side and buried his head under the pillow.
That was how Sam found him, in as tight a ball as a 6'2" man could get. He could hear her talking to him, but nothing made sense. Didn't she know enough to take cover? Oh God, here comes another one. He grabbed Sam by the arm and pulled her into his hole. "Incoming," he yelled into her ear. She put her head next to his as the bomb exploded over them. Then she pulled loose and left him. Two more shells exploded. Don't get killed, Sam. Please don't get killed. I never said, "I love you" to your face. Suddenly, she was back. She stayed with him this time, safe in his hole until the bombing lifted.
Jack's eyes snapped open as he jerked awake. He sat on the side of the bed rubbing his shaking hands over his face. "Bombs," he muttered. "I'm remembering bombs. No, not bombs – mortars. They're called mortars."
He spent the rest of the night trying to find the pieces of the puzzle that would tell him where and why someone was shooting mortars at him.
Jack's calendar told him that today was "Doctor Day". There were three faces drawn on the space. A smiley face for Dr. Fraiser, a devil's face for Dr. MacKenzie, and a grumpy face for Dr. Velkhir.
Jack finished his shower and was standing at the sink shaving when he looked at his reflection and started to laugh. He didn't have to remember how to shave, no one had to teach him again, he just picked up the razor and knew. It's strange to find out the things you do without thinking.
When he walked into the kitchen Daniel was leaning over the sink munching on a donut. Jack joined him there, taking a jelly filled one from the box. They were just standing there, looking out the window, eating donuts and trying to catch the jelly as it gooshed out.
"My God, it is a 'guy' thing isn't it?" Sam started laughing when the two men turned around and had almost identical jelly smears on their chins.
"Hey, at least the jelly ended up in the sink, not on the floor," retorted Daniel. He snatched a couple of paper napkins off the table before he turned back to his breakfast.
Sam came over and put a hand on each man's shoulder. "Have a good day, guys. I'll see you at dinner."
They waved their donuts at her as she left, still laughing.
"Jack, you want some milk?" Daniel asked, pulling open the refrigerator with his one clean hand.
"No. Can I have a beer?"
"Nooo. Doc says you can't have any beer, besides it doesn't go with donuts. Do you want some milk?
"Coffee?"
Daniel glanced at the clock. "No time. We can get some at the bookstore though."
"Deal." Jack quickly washed the chocolate and jelly off his hands and face and waited for Daniel to do the same.
They hopped in Jack's truck. On Doctor Day, the truck, with its base clearance sticker on the window, got them through the gates a lot faster than Daniel trying to explain at each guardhouse who they were, why they needed to be there and who they were seeing.
Daniel had to smile as Jack held the door to the store open and bowed as he waved him through.
"You're in a good mood." He teased Jack a little, "I'll bet its because you get to see Dr. Fraiser and all the pretty nurses today."
"No, that's not it." Jack teased his friend right back. "I know why you're in a good mood today. You get to have lunch with Dr. Fraiser, that's why?"
Jack started over to where he knew the airplane books were. "I'm happy because I'm gonna read today."
Daniel snagged his sleeve before he got too far, "Whoa, cool your jets there, flyboy. I never said you would, for sure, be able to read today. I said that I'd start to teach you to read today."
Jack tapped the side of his own head. "It's all up here already, I just have to pick up the pieces. That's what everybody keeps telling me. We're going to pick up the pieces and I am going to read today."
"I just don't want you to be disappointed if it doesn't happen, that's all." He pointed at the coffee bar at the other side of the store. "Let's get coffee first."
Jack asked the girl behind the counter, "What do you have that's really good?"
She looked at Daniel questioningly; usually he did the ordering. He just waved a hand at Jack and smiled.
For about ten minutes, the two of them discussed the merits of the various coffees available today while Daniel looked on.
Amazing. Coffee wasn't something he even cared about before. Now he can talk about it and really know what he's talking about. But, pick another subject and he's back to a child again. That must be hell to deal with.
Jack got his coffee, took a sip and gave the girl a big grin and a 'thumbs up'. "You've got to try this Daniel."
The aroma alone was enough to pique his interest. "I guess I'll have the same, Jenny."
She handed him his coffee and rang up the sale. "$3.27, Dr. Jackson"
Daniel dug some bills out of his pocket and pulled off a $5.00.
"Wait." Jack caught the bill. "Show me."
Daniel looked at the line forming behind them. "Let me pay for it so Jenny can help these other people. We'll go over there and I'll show what I did. OK?"
At the table, Daniel took the bills and coins out of his pocket and, laying them out, he explained. "This is a penny or a cent. This is a nickel, five cents. A dime, ten cents. A quarter, twenty-five cents. A dollar is one hundred cents."
"Right." Jack zipped the five out of the other man's hand and put it next to the dollar. "This is five of those." He shrugged, explaining, "Pieces."
Daniel wrote on a napkin. Three-point-two-seven. "When we write money, everything to the right of the point is less than a dollar, everything to the left is more. What would you give me if the register showed this?"
Jack picked up coins and bills, mumbling as he counted, "Twenty-five, and two pennies is twenty-seven. We don't have three dollars but, five is more than three, so."
He handed Daniel $5.27. "And I should get two dollars back, right?"
At his friend's surprised look, Jack tapped the side of his own head. "Some of the pieces, Daniel. Just some of the pieces."
They bought three books that day. Big surprise, all on aircraft. Daniel insisted on the "kiddy book" as Jack called it. A first grade reader. Jack picked out one from the young adult section on racing planes and one on the history of flight.
"Oh man, I don't have this one yet," he said, hefting the heavy volume.
"Are you sure?" Daniel asked, skeptically.
He pointed to half a dozen different planes on the cover. "My book doesn't have these."
As they approached the checkout, Daniel stopped. "Here, take this," he said, handing Jack a wallet. "It's your wallet, your money and your books. I'll wait here. I know you can handle it," he said encouragingly, casually leaning against the railing that separated the register area from the store.
Jack walked up to the counter and plopped the books down. "Hi, John. I'd like these two, please. Not this one."
"All of them, Jack," Daniel said, without turning around.
"All of them, Jack," he mimicked then grumbled under his breath, "Stupid kiddy book."
"That'll be $46.38 today, Colonel," John stated, formally.
Daniel turned partially around, watching, knowing there was only $45.00 in the wallet and wanting to see how his friend would handle it.
Jack counted out a twenty, two tens and a five. "Wait for it," he held up a finger as he dug in his pocket. He laid a yo-yo on the desk and dug in again.
"This should do it." He put a crumpled dollar, a quarter and two dimes on top of the money already there.
"Seven cents is your change. Thank you and have a nice day, Colonel." The clerk handed Jack the heavy bag.
"Thank you, John." He started to walk away.
"Hey, Jack." John tossed the yo-yo as the other man turned around. "Catch."
"Oops. Thanks, John." He snatched it out of the air one handed and tucked it back in his pocket.
Another advantage in taking Jack's truck to the base was they got to use "officer's parking" and since, by unspoken rule, lower ranks parked farther away they always got a good space.
They both walked into the medical center carrying books. Jack with the book on racing planes; he refused to take the "kiddy" book, and Daniel with one on Ancient China.
"Do you want me to wait with you?" He asked at the door to Janet's office.
"Oh for crying out loud, it's not like I'm going to get lost. It's right here," Jack exclaimed indignantly. "Gloria walks with me to Dr. MacKenzie, and Dr. Velkhir is next door. I know the routine by now."
"Sorry, sorry. Just thought I'd ask." Daniel held up a hand to forestall the barrage. "Last time you wanted me to stay."
"Well, that was last time." He made 'shooing' motions with his free hand as he pushed the office door open. "I'll wait for you outside Dr. Velkhir's office."
Daniel managed to grab one of the few real armchairs in the atrium, the couches just weren't meant for people to sit on for hours. And this would take hours. Janet first, for about an hour. Dr. MacKenzie took an hour. Dr. Velkhir usually took over two hours. That's why they did "Doctor Day", get it over with for another two weeks.
Daniel pulled a small leather journal out of his back pocket before he sat down. It was pretty beat up. The spine was crushed in two places, the brown cover had some smears of blood on it, and there were teeth marks on both sides that imprinted most of the pages. His mission journal from P3N-582. A mission that didn't end when they came back through the Gate. He started skipping through the entries.
19 October
I hope we make it home early today. Tomorrow's Jack's birthday and I forgot to get a cake. Again. Sam's going to be SO pissed.
20 October
It's just after mid-night here. Happy Birthday, Jack. Here we sit, in the infirmary, watching the monitors beep. Janet keeps checking your EEG and looking worried. She won't tell us anything.
Sam sits there like a block of stone. She hasn't moved from that chair in five hours, she won't talk to anyone, she won't eat or drink anything, and she barely let the nurse treat her fingers. Our de-briefing is at 0700. I hope she shows up.
Janet is throwing us out. Something about more tests. I hope you can hear us. I hope you're still there.
16 November
Janet looks pretty grim. It's been almost a month and Jack hasn't regained consciousness. The doctors don't know what the EEG is telling them. Only that he's not brain dead. At least they found a drug to stop the seizures.
24 November
Happy Thanksgiving. We've finally got something to be thankful about. Jack opened his eyes today. That's a good sign, I guess. He tracked the penlight, but that was it.
5 December
He was sitting up in bed this morning. He looked at us when we came in, and once in while when we talked. Most of the time he played with the cereal on his tray. Froot Loops – Janet's doing I suspect. Sam couldn't stop crying on the way home and I have to admit, I wasn't far behind.
9 December
Well, the doctors finally came to a conclusion. Why do they have to compare everything to a computer? They say Jack's 'hard drive' has been 'fragmented'. The information is all there, just not in any order. And the only cure is time. Jack has to re-associate every bit with every other bit and put them in order. We can help by talking to him, being with him, teaching him, and reminding him.
Even Teal'c didn't know a zat would do that. I guess no one's ever got shot at that close a range and lived long enough to find out.
I'm worried about Sam, too. She looks like hell. I found her sleeping in her lab this morning. She was having a nightmare. When I woke her up, she almost hit me.
25 December
Merry Christmas. We're spending the day at the hospital with Jack. The past few years we've spent Christmas Day together. I don't have much holiday spirit this year. Looking for the perfect silly gift for Jack at Christmastime was always fun, but this year, it doesn't seem appropriate.
Sam brought a tiny tree, complete with miniature lights and ornaments. Jack couldn't take his eyes off it. After lunch, we walked over to the atrium and showed him the big tree. Teal'c wheeled him around it for over an hour. They kept stopping to talk about the ornaments. Teal'c talked; Jack – made noise.
16 January
Hammond is sending us off world again. SG-1 with some greenie lieutenant as our fourth. When did I start talking like a soldier? Sam has her first command. I think she'd rather die than get a command this way. Especially SG-1. We'll be gone for three days. Jack's going to think we abandoned him.
20 January
I got home way too late last night to go to the hospital. When I went in this morning before breakfast, he was curled up with the blanket pulled over his head, crying. Nurses said he'd been like that for two days. I had to convince him he couldn't sit in my lap. We got an extra mattress and put it on the floor to sit on. He finally fell asleep leaning against me. Sam almost blew a gasket when she realized how it went.
21 January
Well, we may be going off world again. Just not all at once. Hammond decided to keep at least one of us here to see Jack every day. Dr. MacKenzie, of all people, recommended it. So, now we're "mission specialists".
27 January
Jack said "Hi" and called us by name today. I don't think he really knows us though, just what to call us. We went for a walk and he wanted to know names for everything. Progress?
31 January
All the bandages came off today. They say with time, no one will be able to see the scars. They look like red worms crawling over his head and neck. There's only a couple on his forehead and cheeks. When his hair grows out, it'll cover most of them. He wanted Teal'c's hat. I told him I'd bring him one tomorrow.
24 February
He put together some sentences today. The nurse said he practiced all morning. God, it hurt to see him struggle to find the words. I go off world tomorrow for a week. Sam's going to make entries.
26 February (S.C.)
A local garden club was turning the glass domed atrium into an indoor garden for a spring exhibit they hold here. T decided it would be good to take Jack over there. Give him some more words. Boy, was that a mistake. First, he wanted to 'help' everyone then decided it would be more fun to hide from us. The only difference between Jack and a two year old toddler; the toddler is easier to catch. We had to chase him around the atrium. It was actually kind of fun. Jack gave me a hug and kiss when we left. T just got the hug.
28 February (S.C.)
Teal'c had to go off world today. He's the spokesman for the rebel Jaffa at a meeting of the Alliance. Maj. Davis is Earth's; it should be Jack. Rained all day today. We sat and colored. I haven't done that for ages. Jack drew a purple dog. I wonder if he remembers Merrin of Orban and her purple dog.
2 March (JF)
Sam's in no shape to write today. The Colonel had a massive seizure last night, cause unknown. He's on a respirator. We don't know if he's going to make it. I left a message for Daniel & Teal'c to get here ASAP.
3 March
This is not good at all. Three seizures today and two more this evening. I think we're losing him.
7 March
Thank God, that's over. I've never seen Sam so broken up. She blames herself for everything that happened. Good news is: they found out why the seizures. Some asshole house doctor decided generic drugs were just as good and changed Jack's orders. NOT!!! He's been back on the 'real' drugs for three days. Seizures finally stopped. Bad news is: we wait to see what damage they caused.
16 March
Jack was awake when we came today. He doesn't realize any time passed. Crying is contagious. Only this time I started first. I swear I saw Teal'c wipe away a tear, too.
9 April
Brought some of Jack's clothes today. I didn't know one man could have so many weird shirts. He dressed himself. Even got his shoes on the right feet. He wants to grow his hair and they keep cutting it short. Maybe in a few weeks when the last burn spot on the back of his head heals up.
5 May
Jack can go home in a few days. He'll need someone with him constantly. His mental age is about 3-4 right now. Sam, Teal'c and I will take turns living at his house for a week at a time. Doc says that's the best place for him. Familiar surroundings and familiar people for a while.
22 May
He almost got arrested today. Some lady freaked when she saw her little girl walking with him. The cops had him cuffed and on the ground. I could hear him screaming for me from the opposite end of the museum. I shouldn't have left him alone. S, T, & J are going to kill me.
26 June
Finally convinced him to go out of the yard again with me. We went to the bookstore. He stuck to me like glue. Almost couldn't get him in the mall, until I told him there was a model airplane show there. He remembers planes all right. He could tell me the names of almost all of them. He's a quick study. Learned (remembered?) and recited the addition tables in only two tries. Can't seem to grasp the alphabet though.
4 July
God damn it, we should have seen this coming. The firecrackers sent him into a screaming fit this morning. Stupid neighbors down the street set off M80's at dawn. The idiots shouldn't even have them. Teal'c called me to help get him calmed down. We had to take him to the SGC. Inside the mountain was the only place he couldn't hear them. Janet gave him a shot and Teal'c is with him now.
2 August
Kinsey was on base for some reason. Said he wanted to visit Jack, too. Teal'c and I had a little conversation with him in the parking lot. Disemboweling figured prominently.
Daniel flipped forward to the next blank page.
14 September
He surprised me this morning. Caught on to the math of money in one try. Even figured his change. I made him buy his own books. I thought he'd get flustered when he found he didn't have enough. Sam must have given him some money though. He's awfully quick with some things. Let's see how he does with reading. He's says he'll get it in one day.
"Doctor Jackson?" a quiet voice interrupted his thoughts.
He looked up, a little startled. "Gloria? What's wrong? Something with Jack?"
"No, no. Nothing like that. He's with Dr. MacKenzie right now." Janet's nurse shook her head. "Dr. Fraiser asked me to give you a message on my way back. She had an emergency come in and won't be available for lunch today. She said she'd see you tomorrow."
Daniel was more than a little disappointed. Lunch with Janet, outside of the mountain, was a high point in his week. "Thanks, Gloria."
"You're welcome, Dr. Jackson." She called back over her shoulder, "See you again in two weeks."
"Damn," he muttered, "Now I have to kill three hours instead of only two." He couldn't go anywhere off the base, Jack's ID was required to get on or off base with the truck. Leaving the book about Ancient China on the seat of the chair, he walked over and laid his fingertips on the windowpane. Even shaded from the direct sun, the glass was warm. Desert heat he didn't mind but, when temperature and humidity were both in the 90's, air conditioning was very nice. Reclaiming the chair and his book, Daniel decided to stay in the cool and quiet to read. Or take a nap.
"Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep." The alarm on his watch snapped him awake. 4:00pm. "Doctor Day" was over for another two weeks. He stood, stretching his stiff back before gathering up his possessions to go get Jack.
They met about halfway. Daniel put his arm on his friend's shoulder and asked, "So, how did it go today? Everything OK?"
Jack threw his hands in the air. "I don't know. Dr. Fraiser says I'm doing good, Dr. MacKenzie says I'm doing good, Dr. Velkhir is just grumpy as usual."
He slipped out from under Daniel's arm and continued surlily, "You guys know more than I do anyway. They actually talk to you. Janet's the only one who really tries to explain anything to me."
Daniel made a mental note to talk to MacKenzie and Velkhir about the issue. "You know, if it makes you feel any better, I don't understand half of what they tell me either. They're not real good at explaining."
"Dammit." Jack reversed direction so fast he almost ran over Daniel. "Wait here. I left my book in Velkhir's office."
Conditioned response to the Colonel's "command" voice made him freeze for a couple of seconds. "I'll … wait … here. I guess," he said to the empty corridor.
Fifteen minutes later, Jack wasn't back yet. It shouldn't take that long to go around the corner and down the hall and pick up a book.
I will be SO dead if I screwed up again. He hurried around he corner, almost getting knocked on his butt by the other man coming out of the restroom.
"Do you mind? I do know how to do this myself."
"I know you do. And so do I." Daniel ducked through the door. "Pardon me." Oh, brilliant save Doctor, brilliant save. Could you have been more obvious?
It was a very quiet ride home. Daniel couldn't even get his friend interested in planning the cookout they were going to have on Sunday.
"Leave me alone," Jack growled, staring out the window at the passing cars.
"What's the matter? I thought you were looking forward to having everyone over?"
"I'm not having a party, you're having a party. I'm just going to be there."
"No. We are having a cookout. You and me"
Jack turned sideways in the seat and put his forehead on the window. "Leave me alone. My head hurts, I'm tired and I just want to go to sleep."
"Forever," he breathed, fogging the glass for a second.
"Jack, you awake?" Daniel looked over at his passenger. "We're home."
With a heavy sigh, Jack unsnapped his seat belt and slid out of the truck, leaving the bag of books in the back seat. After they got in the house, still without a word, he started for his room.
Daniel, who went back out to bring in the books, entered a minute later. "Want something for your headache?"
"I guess."
"C'mon, we'll get you fixed up." They went down the hall to the guest bathroom where they kept Jack's medications.
He leaned on the doorframe while Daniel found the right bottle and shook two pills out. "Here you go. These should help."
The two men stopped in the kitchen for something to drink. "Do you want a snack? It's a couple of hours till supper."
Jack just shrugged and walked away.
"Do you want me to wake you for supper?" He pulled open the refrigerator and checked the contents. "It looks like we're having barbecued chicken?" he called.
"Whatever. I don't care." The bedroom door clicked quietly on the last word.
Sam arrived as Daniel was chopping vegetables for the salad. Tossing her purse on the couch, she joined him in the supper preparations. She was standing at the sink, scrubbing potatoes when it struck her. This was usually Jack's job. "Are we missing somebody?"
"I guess it was a rough day. He had a headache and wanted to lie down for while. This morning he was all excited about reading lessons. On the way home, I couldn't even get him to talk about the cookout on Sunday."
"He's been looking forward to that for weeks. What happened?
"MacKenzie and Velkhir are being their usual supercilious selves, I suspect. He complained that they never explain anything to him. I'll give them a call on Monday."
Daniel went out to light the grill, while Sam started the potatoes in the microwave.
As she joined him on the deck, he asked, "What do you have planned for next week?"
They pulled a couple of chairs around so they could look out over the yard.
"I'm scheduled to go to P4N-349. SG-16 is working on what appears to be a crashed space ship. The Tok'ra don't recognize the design. We found traces of naquida near the exhaust ports and there are some faint energy readings but, we can't get into the ship. It looks like it pancaked in with the hatches underneath."
Daniel sat up and exclaimed, "I saw some digital images of the markings they found on the outside. It's not like any script I've ever seen. Send me whatever else you find."
"General Hammond said that if we manage to get in, you'll most likely be spending time there, too. It's only been there a few hundred years. Chances are the race that built it is still out there somewhere."
The timer on the microwave signaled and they went back to fixing supper. Forty-five minutes later everything was ready.
"I'll go see if he wants to eat." Daniel walked down the hall to the master bedroom. Tapping gently on the door, he said softly, "Jack? You awake? Supper's ready. You want some?"
When there was no response, he pushed the door open a little and stuck his head in. Jack, fully dressed, was sprawled on the bed, face down. A rhythmic, droning buzz was Daniel's only answer.
"Guess not." He backed out and returned to the kitchen. "Out like a light," he told Sam.
The two of them finished supper and were cleaning up when they heard water running in the master bath.
"Jack's awake," Sam observed. "Can you find out if he wants something to eat before it gets too cold?"
Seeing Daniel's quizzical expression, she explained, "We had a little … discussion last night. He thinks I'm "mothering" him."
"Ah. And you hope he'll take it better from me."
Sam smiled sheepishly.
Jack heard the tapping on his door and Daniel's voice. "Jack? You awake? Supper's ready. You want some?" He could tell when the door opened and concentrated on breathing slowly and deeply like he was asleep.
"Guess not." Daniel closed the door.
At the sound of the latch's click, Jack rolled over onto his back and resumed staring at the ceiling. He wasn't really tired; not tired from lack of sleep at least. Tired of beating his scrambled head against a proverbial wall, maybe. He thought it would have been better if whatever messed up his brain had finished him off.
That day was a memory they said might never totally come back. All he had was pain. Pain and choking and the salty taste of blood. For an unknown time after that, there was nothing but the lightning flashes. Finally, he heard sounds that he couldn't understand and saw faces he couldn't recognize. Faces that looked at him and cried. Faces that he finally put names to, but he didn't know them. Not like he should. Janet, George, Daniel, Teal'c, Sam. He felt like there was so much more to their friendship. But, the details were locked away in scattered pieces of his personal puzzle. And like Humpty Dumpty, "all the King's horses and all the King's men" wouldn't be able to put him back together again.
Dr. Velkhir said it flat out today. "He'll never get past the intelligence level of a ten year old, maybe twelve if he pushes."
Of course, the doctor didn't say it to him. Why would the doctor talk to him? Dr. Velkhir was talking to Dr. MacKenzie. They were in Dr. Velkhir's office when he came looking for his book. He could remember every word.
"Hi, Mac. Come on in, have a seat." Velkhir actually sounded cheerful for a change. "What's new in your world?"
"Not much, Al." MacKenzie yawned. "Just thought I'd come over and see how you thought our star patient was doing."
"Star patient?"
"You know. O'Neill. The guy who got zatted."
"Colonel O'Neill. Yeah, that's a sad case. I didn't know him before, but I understand he was a sharp cookie. Even if he did camouflage his intelligence." Velkhir had real regret in his voice.
"Pretty good smoke screen. Everyone always under estimated him." A chair scraped as one of the doctors moved. "He seems to be coping all right. A little depressed but, who wouldn't be. From what the rest of his team tell me, he's impatient to re-learn all he can."
"I know there's never been a case exactly like his but, in situations of severe electric shock, the victim's IQ gets dropped quite a bit."
"C'mon, Al. Those are cases where there's been visible damage to the brain itself. His MRI's and C-T scans show normal brain tissue."
"I'm sorry, Mac. I call 'em like I see 'em. He'll never get past the intelligence level of a ten year old, maybe twelve if he pushes."
Jack didn't hear anymore of the discussion. His ears started ringing and his vision narrowed down to a tiny circle. He was leaning over a sink coughing and gagging. Eventually, it was over. He cleaned out the sink, rinsed out his mouth and washed his face but, he couldn't stop shaking. He ended up sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his legs and his head on his knees.
Lying on his bed at home, he started shaking again. He rolled onto his side, pulling himself into a ball until the tremors stopped.
Ten years old. Even if I can remember some of the things I used to do, people I used to know, the person I used to be, I'll never be him again. I'll always be a little kid that needs looking out for.
An image flared in his mind; a body of boy of about eight or ten laying face down on the floor in a puddle of blood with a gun next to him. Then he saw a hand he knew, his own hand, holding the same gun. His thumb was rubbing over the grip and his index finger was on the trigger, waiting for the impulse to pull it that fraction of an inch that would make everything go away.
Is that really who I am? Every piece of the puzzle so far has been weapons, pain, blood and death. I know there has to be something good, something happy. I have pictures from 'before'. There are kids playing and I was there, laughing. Why doesn't any of that come back?
He looked over at the "memory board" as his friends called it. It was a big cork bulletin board covered with photographs. Each one had a little label stuck on it, not that he could read them. They were supposed to help him put together his puzzle. He sighed and went over to study them. Every night he sat and stared at all the faces and places but nothing new came back.
Deep inside, he was convinced that there was so much more of his life that would never be seen in pictures. It was too ugly, too dark. Times and places no one could help him re-capture because almost everyone who knew about them was dead. Those memories would be better left lost.
Jack started at the beginning again. OK, a man, a lady, three kids. I'm the middle one.
High school graduation. Man, I looked like a hippie back then. How would anyone know that was me?
He smiled at the next couple of images. "Those must have been fun times."
Jack could see the resemblance to himself in the young man wearing the red ski outfit. The spray of snow from his skis still drifted in the air as he pulled his goggles off and grinned at the camera.
The following one was after a hockey game. He was wearing a blue jersey with a red and white stripe and the number seven on the sleeve. His helmet was hanging on the end of the hockey stick over his shoulder and his hair was soaked with sweat but, all you saw was the ear-to-ear smile. Jack felt his lips curve up just looking at it. There were half a dozen pictures of that young man, all with a broad grin.
Abruptly the pictures changed. The shaggy hair was gone; he was few years older and had a few more lines in his face. In these, almost everyone was in uniform. They smiled for the camera, but not the wide-open, carefree smiles from before.
"Sara." That face he remembered. The picture was a wedding, evidently his wedding. He was in his fancy blue uniform and Sara was in a white gown. If you're my wife, why aren't you here? What happened?
A stab of pain lanced through him as, in a later shot, he saw a boy standing between him and Sara. Something bad, very bad happened. That's why Sara and that boy weren't here.
Jack spun around, turning his back on the memories for the first time. He didn't want to know how those pieces fit. Sick to his stomach, he ran to the bathroom and bent over the sink. There was hardly anything left to lose, but lose it he did. For the second time that day, Jack found himself trying to get that foul taste out of his mouth.
He was drying his face when it struck him; the running water would tell his 'baby sitters' that he was awake.
"Can I come in?" It was Daniel knocking on his door.
"It's open."
Jack stood by the dresser, flipping through a National Geographic.
Daniel sat on the end of the bed. "Feeling any better."
"No." He didn't even look up.
"Do you want something to eat?"
"No." He growled.
"Are you sure? It was really good?"
The colonel slammed the magazine down with a bang. "Dammit, Daniel. I'm not two years old. I can tell if I'm hungry."
Swinging around, he loomed over the younger man. "Can't you understand? I want to be left alone. Now, will you please GET OUT!"
Jack stalked over to the window and stared out at the back yard. He felt his hands shaking where they were clasped behind his back.
The bed squeaked a little as Daniel got up. "Fine," he snapped, "I'm leaving."
"Fine, you do that." Jack snapped back.
The door didn't exactly slam as the younger man left.
Jack flinched at the noise like he'd been shot. After a couple of minutes, his whole body drooped and he began to lightly thump his head against the window frame. "You are such an ass hole, do you know that?"
Daniel's car hadn't left yet. He could still catch him. Approaching the kitchen, he heard Sam and Daniel talking.
"… had the same discussion last night. It must be aggravating as hell to him."
"This is hard on all of us not just …" he paused as the older man entered, "Jack?"
The Colonel felt more bravado facing down squads of enemies than he felt right now. He stood between his friends and put a hand on each of their shoulders. "Sam. Daniel. I've been a jerk, especially the past two days. And I just wanted you to know … I … I … I'm sorry."
He took Sam's hands in his, drawing her to her feet. "Thank you for everything, Sam." He put his arms around her and hugged her. They stood, arms wrapped tightly, rocking gently from side to side for almost a minute. As Jack let go he breathed, "God, I love you, Samantha." He kissed her softly and let her sink back into the chair.
Turning to Daniel, he cocked an eyebrow. "Daniel?"
Standing slowly, the other man asked warily, "Jaaack?"
They stood, facing each other seriously. Then Jack grinned. "No kiss?" he joked.
Daniel started to laugh. "Nah, I don't think so."
Still laughing the two friends embraced. "Thank you, Daniel. Thank you for everything." They both had tears threatening when they broke apart.
After a few sniffles all around, Daniel cleared his throat and commented, "We never did do any reading today. How about tomorrow afternoon?"
"Sure, Daniel. That sounds fine. Good night." Jack sauntered down the hall, whistling.
Once the bedroom door was shut, the whistling chopped off. There would be no tomorrow afternoon, not for him. Jack sat on the bed, leaning over with his head in his hands.
I wish I could let them all know how thankful I was to know them. Most people leave a note. Most people can read and write; I can't. What's the point? So I can help my 'baby sitters' grocery shop. So I can read the Sunday funnies. Big deal. It'll be better this way. They can get on with their lives, their careers. Daniel will make them understand. He's good at that. God, I'm tired.
For the next few hours he sat in the dark, staring out the window and waiting for Sam to go to sleep.
It was well after mid-night when Jack opened the door and listened. Quiet as a tomb. He snickered at the bad pun. Barefoot, wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt; the Colonel negotiated the hallway like a minefield, avoiding the squeaky floorboards. Peering through the gloom, he saw Sam's blonde hair shining in the faint glow of a small light in the kitchen. She's sleeping in my chair again. Sleep tight; don't let the bedbugs bite.
Without a sound, the man slipped through the room and down to the guest bathroom. A dim red night-light was bright enough for Jack to find what he was looking for. Searching through the medicines, he found the little white ovals that he knew were sleeping pills and spilled most of them out into his palm. Fifteen? Twenty? Enough. They went into his pocket. He put the bottle back and ghosted his way to the kitchen.
Now for a couple of beers. The refrigerator seal made a sucking noise when it released and Jack shot a glance toward Sam. She didn't move. Reaching in, he picked up two bottles, making sure they didn't chime against each other.
The outside door clicked behind him as he stepped onto the deck. Moving around to the side of the garage, he climbed the ladder to his aerie. His stargazing perch built on the roof. The ten foot by ten foot space was a real deck with a redwood floor and railings. His telescope and tripod were stored in the house. Instead, two lawn chairs and a small weatherproof chest occupied the area.
O'Neill put the beer bottles on the floor next to his chair. Getting comfortable, he put on a CD and leaned back to watch the heavenly show. Nice night for seeing.
He twisted the top off one beer, and in two long swallows, drained it by over three quarters. The pills made 'splash-clink' sounds as they were dropped in the almost empty bottle. He popped the top off the second one, quickly drinking most of that as well, then sitting it back on the floor. Taking the doctored container, he shook it and listened for the clink of unmelted pills. About right.
Sighing, the man tipped his head back and stared at the twinkling stars. His right hand hung over the edge of the chair, holding the bottle by the neck and idly swirling the dregs of liquid as he waited.
Gradually Jack's eyes drifted shut and his breathing slowed. The bottle slipped from his fingers to pour the last of its contents through the cracks in the deck. He lay there while the stars continued their uncaring dance over his still form.