An Unfinished Declaration
Chapter 2: A Maelstrom of Words
Oct. 15th
Professor Snape,
You…you…detestable libertine! How dare you? How, how dare you do such a thing? First you take such audacious freedoms with my person, and then you have the gall to berate me for them? You would act as if I was the perpetrator of such impropriety! I maintain my earlier call that you sir, are a villain!
How dare you kiss me like that? You with your unmitigated passion, your wanton, forceful lust, your… overpowering sensations, yes, right, how dare you then? It is not within your rights to take me in your arms and pull me close, pressing me into your body, into your taut, surprisingly muscular…I will not be sidetracked! You, you can't just put your lips wherever you like! I'm not some…some plaything for you to devour, moving hungrily over me as if…like some kind of animal. You animal…
Bloody hell.
This only encouraged him to read further.
Oct. 22nd
Severus Snape,
Try as I might, it appears as if I have been unable to remove you from my thoughts. Merlin knows why! Please trust that I do still find you quite detestable and thusly, I hate you. I hate very much about you actually. Let's start with your face. I'll have you know I find it quite odious. I find myself staring at it often, aghast at its offensiveness, your ludicrous nose always sniffing in indignation, your black eyes being so…ridiculously...black, and your insipid eyebrow, always raised at me as if I'm some kind of question. Let's not forget your mouth, as I hate it most of all. Always smirking at me, that little curve at the corner as it settles into that slight hook of a line right below that almost imperceptible dimple…it…is, so very stupid.
I'd very much like to kiss that stupid, stupid mouth again, you miserable jerk.
His lips twitched upwards and he flipped through the pages, landing on a later passage.
Dec. 17th
Severus,
Do you realize it's been two months now? How truly odd is that? I never would have thought it would have lasted this long…surely one of us should have poisoned the other's tea by now. Not that I don't still want to on occasion mind you. However, despite the fact that you are a cantankerous malcontent, I find I'm increasingly fond of you. Amazing, isn't it? You seem to think me less of "an irritating chit sent to punish me for my sins," as well. Sometimes, you're even sweet, though I'm sure you'd find that attribution abhorrent.
It doesn't hurt matters that you've still got that voice. Thank the gods your throat healed properly. I love that voice, always have. I love it when you talk as we kiss…the way it rumbles into my mouth. It's like power and weakness rolled together, steel and silk in every word, makes my knees go to jelly.
You should be done with classes in ten minutes…
No wonder she made him repeat himself so often! He'd thought the girl was suffering from hearing loss. He'd just tuck that knowledge away for later. He continued to flip through the pages, searching for the ones addressed to him…whilst skimming over the other entries.
Dec. 25th
Severus,
How did you know? This is the only thing I really wanted for Christmas. I don't care that it wasn't wrapped. I don't care that you were scowling when you handed it to me. I don't care that you brushed off my poor attempt at thanks. The fact that you knew…did I even mention it to you? I don't recall telling anyone else about it. I saw it the bookshop…in Muggle London. I must have mentioned it, I must have. You went to Muggle London! You dear man, and all I bought for you was a green, silk cravat. I may have told you of the book, but I know I didn't tell how very badly I wanted it. I wish I could have found better words of gratitude. I know this was no small expenditure on your part. I shouldn't even accept it…but…
An autographed first edition of The Cat In The Hat, the first book I ever read…Severus…
She had mentioned it, only in passing, but it stuck with him. Something within her lit up when she talked about that silly little book and he wanted her to have it. She deserved it. He'd felt like a moron standing around in his slacks and jumper holding the stupid thing as the shop lady tittered on about what a precious item it was, inquiring if it was for his children or if he was a collector. He'd hushed the old biddy with a seething glare, paid for the book, and left the blasted store as fast as his feet would carry him.
He didn't know how to present it to her so he just gave it to her, unwrapped and unadorned and the smile she gave him and the way she'd said his name had made his heart flutter…actually flutter!
Jan. 9th
Snape,
You told me not to make a big deal out of your birthday. I should have listened to you. I was trying to do something nice you git! You didn't have to shout at me when I produced your birthday cake in the Great Hall, especially in front of all the students! Severus, how could you? Of course, you did end up wearing most of it so I suppose fair is foul and foul is fair. Still, you hurt my feelings and I'll have you know after I stormed out, I went to my room and cried for an hour. My next class was awful, even with a glamour, the students could tell I'd been upset and they knew why…that was the worst part.
Sometimes, I just wish you'd get over yourself you big jackass. I did it because I care about you.
He closed the book and felt an incredible pang of guilt. He really had acted horribly and her face had shown him so. He was almost glad when she got angry and threw the cake at him. The tears in her eyes had made him feel like a very small man indeed. At least anger was something he knew how to deal with, a crying woman, not so much. She'd cried for an hour? Over him no less…
She'd bought him a new cloak for a gift, as his had been irreparably damaged due to an unfortunate encounter with one of Hagrid's stupid Blast-Ended Skrewt…he hadn't even thanked her. He opened the book again, quickly searching for a better memory.
Feb. 14th
Dear Severus,
I'm so glad we decided to skip Valentine's Day. I agree that it is nothing more than a ridiculous tradition that usually leads to fits of emotional blackmail. We both had too much work to bother with it anyway. I never would have gotten those essays graded if we'd taken the time to play act at some overpriced restaurant. I'm very glad we're both sensible people.
By the way, the orchids were absolutely beautiful.
He may be 'sensible,' but he was no fool.
March. 16th
Dear Severus,
I've decided I'm going to tell you I love you. I'm tired of waiting for you to say it first you ridiculous man.
He was shocked when she said it, standing in his room, acting so stoic but trembling like an autumn leaf about to fall. Of course, long before that he knew he loved her too and quickly told her so. He had silently chided himself that she'd beat him to the punch. He should have said it first, wanted to say it first, but hearing it from her lips, not goaded by his own words…gods it was sweet. They'd made love for the first time that night.
April. 27th
Dearest, Dearest Severus,
I find myself at a complete loss to tell you just how very, very…very, sorry I am. I know the words I spoke at the time were of little consolation. Without debate, I shoulder the complete blame for the fiasco, as I know it was at my insistence that we told Harry and Ronald of our relationship. I never once expected Ron to hex you…especially, like…that. I should have killed him on the spot. I might still. I was just too shocked to say or do much of anything when he...well, apparently I put far too much stock in his maturity. Why that hex isn't considered dark magic…I'm at a loss to explain! It's just so horrifically…er, I do suppose 'emasculating' would be the most proper term.
Thankfully, most thankfully, you are not permanently altered, as the healer at St. Mungo's has assured me it will indeed grow back in a fortnight. I cannot begin to fathom why no reversal potion or spell has been crafted!
I know you don't have much of a desire…(oh Merlin, I'm glad I'm writing this and not saying it as that was a truly unfortunate choice of words;) to see me right now, but, I vow, in two weeks…I will do anything to make this up to you…anything.
There was a potion now by Merlin! While that particular indignity may have been temporary, the shrinking spell to which he'd introduced Mister Weasley was a different matter altogether. "Miss Ginevra tells me she's always wanted a sister," had been his parting words to the horrified Ron.
Severus grinned, feeling no remorse. There are some things you just don't do to a man without expecting lasting and severe retribution. He grinned again as he remembered that 'anything.' Honestly, that had almost made those two weeks worth it…almost.
He really had come to love her, more than anything he'd ever loved actually. Their odd little coupling was, quite honestly, the happiest time of his entire life. He flipped through to the last ink-covered page. It was dated the tenth of June, two days ago.
June. 10th
Severus,
I…I find myself, no longer satisfied with our relationship. My hands are shaking as I write this. I don't really want to talk to you about it, but I feel I must. I have to be honest with you. Merlin, my heart is beating like a drum. I don't know if I'll be able to do this…but I just don't think I can continue on like this anymore.
He flipped the page looking for the rest of the writing and found it blank. He read it again; assuring himself he had missed some vital line. There was nothing, nothing leading up to this passage that gave him any indication this was coming.
He felt as if he'd been struck by lightning. He stared at the page in a daze. 'No longer satisfied?' What did it mean? She…she was going to leave him? He skimmed through the other pages to find any additional meaning but found none. She had seemed so happy recently, so radiant, so well, in love, and now…she no longer wanted him?
Had he been a lesser man, he'd have wrung his hands and wept. However, being as he was Severus Snape, his natural defense mechanisms snapped into place and the ever faithful, ever bitter fatalist took command of his psyche. It was bound to end anyway. She was too young, too pretty, to sweet, too…opposite. It did not matter; she did not matter, stupid slip of a girl...siren, nymph, Circe reincarnated! He'd return her silly little musings and pay her back for her wayward affections with all the bile he could brew within himself.
He shoved the book into his pocket and stalked out of his room, slamming the door so hard upon his exit that the wood split. He had 6th years in half an hour; she would be in the middle of her 7th years right now.