Chapter Two

"So what did the goblins say again?"

"They said Sirius and I are both Lord Black," Harry grinned. "That means I own everything he has. I am also still Lord Potter. If the Potter family are giant knobs, I can take out all their money into a different vault."

"Why couldn't you have been Lord Malfoy or something?" Ron groaned. "I would love to see that ponce wearing second-hand robes."

They shuffled through the barrier at Kings Cross between platforms nine and ten, coming out to Platform Nine-and-three-quarters. They were immediately overwhelmed by nostalgia; Ron was never married and didn't have kids, while Ginny had taken custody of Harry's kids and further effected a restraining order against him that prevented him from going a hundred feet near herself or his kids. Bloody sexism.

They looked around for familiar faces. They scowled as they saw an aristocratic family whose males seemed to be made up only of platinum-blond clones. They brightened slightly, but were also saddened at the sight of a large, redheaded family. They grinned as they saw a slightly chubby boy and his grandmother in a vulture hat.

"Is that your family?" Ron suddenly whispered, nudging.

Harry glanced to where he was gesturing, and found that his throat was constricting, making it difficult to breathe. There was a woman with straight red hair, going halfway down her back, as well as a literal clone of his older self (he scowled; he wasn't a bloody Malfoy!) but with hazel eyes. He also spotted a boy who might look like his twin had Harry not changed his appearance significantly since arriving in this world. And another child, a girl this time, with dark brown hair and the green eyes of her mother.

"Hey," Ron said softly, gripping his arm. Harry realized that he'd stepped forward towards them. "I don't think this is the best time," he continued diplomatically. "Maybe later, yeah? Make friends with James Jr. or something, then we'll talk to them."

"Right," Harry chewed his lip as his best mate guided him onto the train.

"Should we look for their cabin?" Ron asked, as they walked down the aisle.

"Nah, it'll probably be full," Harry shrugged. "After all, this is the year we meet Lupin, right? So they'll have three kids and one adult. Assuming that James Jr's sister sits somewhere else."

"Yeah," Ron sighed.

The two of them sat alone throughout the trip, quickly changing from Muggle jeans and t-shirts into school robes. When the trolley lady came, they spent some of their winnings from outrageous bets in the English Quidditch League to buy some pasties and the like. They spent the rest of their time reading books or Muggle cards.

It had been a surprising transformation. After graduating, Ron had become a bibliophile to rival even Hermione, although he only read books for pleasure, generally fiction. However, he did have a Russian literature phase when he was about twenty-five, and it had surprised everyone he knew to see him sitting and reading a book as thick as War and Peace.

As they expected, about halfway through the ride, the train screeched to a halt.

"Dementors," Ron muttered to himself and drew his superwand. "You know, I still can't get over the fact that this wand is bloody awesome."

"Neither," Harry grinned, holding his thirteen-inch holly superwand.

Tendrils of frost began to cover the windows, and both boys shivered as their breaths steamed in the air. They saw a cloaked shadow looking through the compartment door, so Ron threw it open. "Eat this, you creepy bastard!" Ron shouted, and together, the two boys pointed their wands at the creature.

"Expecto Patronum!"

A mongoose leaped out of Ron's wand, a relatively small but nonetheless brave and aggressive creature, charging at the now screaming Dementor, slashing and biting at its robes. From Harry's wand burst an impressive crow, several times larger than normal, which charged the Dementors head-on. The two Patroni split up and charged through both directions through the train.

After a minute, a wolf patronus sprinted past them, and after another bone-chilling minute, the train began to move once more. The boys grinned at each other as they stowed their wands and sat back down. "I wonder if a strong enough Patronus can actually kill a Dementor," Ron mused.

"We know the killing curse can," Harry said, looking back down at his book. "It severs the soul from the body, right? So as soon as the Dementor's absorbed souls are gone, it starves, loses its magic, and dies."

"Does that mean that Dementors can be killed by being kissed by other Dementors?" Ron asked, and Harry stared at him.

"How are we going to pull that off?"

"Imperius?"

Harry rolled his eyes and went back to reading. They were interrupted once or twice by people who were looking for someone or something, but it was otherwise peaceful; no more Dementor breaks. When the train finally reached Hogsmeade, they followed Dumbledore's suggestion and followed the first-years, so they could experience the castle for the first time.

"Firs' years! Firs' years over 'ere!"

They grinned as they encountered the cheerful half-giant. They saw the terrified first years and cracked up. Harry randomly selected a blonde girl, patted her shoulder reassuringly, making her jump a whole foot in the air.

"Ye two don't look like firs' years," Hagrid eyed them suspiciously.

"We're in third year," Ron shrugged. "But we're transferring."

"Right, right," Hagrid rumbled, nodding. "Come on, then. No more than four to a boat!"

Harry and Ron allowed themselves onto a boat, and were joined by a very shy-looking boy and a very confident-looking girl. Harry and Ron realized with a start that the girl was James Jr.'s sister. They looked at each other awkwardly, before deciding not to start their conversation. They couldn't resist, however.

"Did you know there's a giant squid in the lake?" Ron whispered, his eyes widening in mock fear. The shy-looking boy squeaked, while the girl only arched an eyebrow. "I hope we don't encounter it. It's big enough to fight whales!"

"Really?" The boy squeaked.

"Don't listen to them, Brian," the girl rolled her eyes. "There's a giant squid in the lake, but my brother and my parents say that it's quite friendly."

"Even squids need to eat sometimes, you know," Ron whispered, and the boy was terrified.

"Did you know that giant squids have serrated suckers?" Harry continued in a terrified whisper. "That means that if the squid grabs you, and you try to move your limbs away, your flesh gets flayed off."

The eleven-year-old boy was absolutely horrified and his face was paler than the moon. Apparently some kids in nearby boats were also listening, and equally terrified. The Potter girl was no longer sure of the squid's friendliness and safety, but she did look determined.

"Surely there aren't fish in the lake big enough for a giant squid to eat," Harry said conversationally to Ron.

"Yeah," Ron frowned. "I can understand big fish being in the ocean, but not in a lake. The squid must have to make do with whatever happens to be in the lake at the time. Maybe it eats the merfolk?"

The rest of the boat ride continued in a heavy, terrified silence. The first-years around the two of them seemed to be determined not to look at the surface of the water. "At least Hagrid is here to protect us," Harry said, taking pity on the kids.

Ron wasn't done. "But the squid is ten times bigger than Hagrid!"

Harry couldn't help it, and burst into laughter. Ron tried to be disapproving, but eventually he too began to laugh. At this, all the first years began to give the two of them the stink-eye, and the Potter girl was furious.

"Why would you say any of that?" She hissed angrily. "Do you enjoy bullying kids that are younger than you?"

"Actually, everything we said was true," Harry retorted. "The only thing that was funny was watching your reactions. We weren't exaggerating about the squid at all."

The girl gulped. "Well, you're still terrible people."

The fear felt by many of the kids was soon forgotten as they came into view of the castle, and many gasped or whistled. The castle, from this view, was quite beautiful and definitely majestic; it was perhaps designed to awe, and even cow the students into behaving more respectfully. After all, being able to stay in a castle like this must be a privilege. They disembarked the boats and began to idle toward the castle. The two boys hung back so they could speak comfortably.

"So what's our plan here?" Harry asked.

"I think we need to set a few goals for our five years in Hogwarts," Ron said. "Number one?"

"Find Ravenclaw's diadem and destroy the horcrux without damaging the actual diadem," Harry said. "The killing curse should do that, right?"

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "Lot easier than the sword. I think Number Two should be piss off Snape to the point he quits."

"It'll be difficult getting Dumbles' pet Death Eater to go crazy without being expelled ourselves."

Ron gave a crooked grin. "We can try, can't we?"

"We certainly can, Ronald. Number Three, kidnap Fawkes and the Sorting Hat."

"Hat is easy, Fawkes is not."

"Fine. Steal the stupid lemon drops, then. Or lace them with something."

"We can do that," Ron agreed. "Number Four. Ask McGonagall on a date."

"Jesus Christ!"

"Oh, shut up, Harry. We're both forty-eight. I think. McGonagall is only twenty years or so older than us. Plus, she's a widow, Harry! She's lonely!"

"She would never sleep with a student."

"Not while sober."

Harry snorted. "Number Five. When Umbridge shows up, we transfigure her into a human-sized toad before feeding her to Buckbeak."

"That's easy!" Ron grinned. "I can do that. I got a good one. Number Six - learn that spell McGonagall used in the Battle of Hogwarts that brought all the suits of armor to life and blockade all the common rooms and staff offices."

Harry laughed. "Brilliant. What about Number Seven? Magic number?"

"I dare you to sleep with your own sister."

Harry gaped at his cackling friend. "Are you mad? Fine, I'll do that if you decide to sleep with Ginny."

"No!" Ron gasped. "That's not fair! She's not even my sister, she's literally me if I were female!"

"I got an actual good one," Harry said, his face turning serious. "We'll get Hagrid pardoned, and we'll get him a wand, and he'll join all our classes as a student, and we'll piss everyone off with him in our group."

"That's a pretty good one," Ron agreed. "But the diary was already destroyed. How are we going to get Hagrid pardoned?"

"Don't know. Veritaserum?"

"He's half-giant. Won't work on him."

"Damn," Harry said softly, and their conversation faded into silence.

They finally joined the first-year students, who were in the midst of getting lectured by McGonagall. They didn't bother listening, instead seeing who could stay inside a ghost the longest without chickening out (the ghosts were very upset about this). They were reprimanded by McGonagall, and they tried to look ashamed - but remembering the Number Four goal, they dissolved into giggles, which led to McGonagall drawing her lips into a line and being glared at by the other kids.

"We'll have to be at least in sixth year," Harry said. "We can't ask her on a date when we're not even as tall as she is." Ron only smirked.

"You know, you're not as short as you used to be," Ron commented.

"Am I not?"

"I think it's because in the other world you kept getting starved by the Dursleys," Ron frowned. "I suppose right now you look like how you would've looked if you had a healthy diet while growing up."

"Huh," Harry mused. "That's cool."

They stood around, bored, as they watched the many first-year students get sorted. After ten miuntes, they were reprimanded by McGonagall again for sitting down on the floor and playing exploding snap ("...disrespecting the other students, how would you like it if the other students did the same thing during your sorting?") and were forced to stand like everyone else. Instead, they decided to look around the Hall and try to find everyone they knew.

In Slytherin, there was Draco Malfoy with his more-product-than-hair hair, Pansy Parkinson, Goyle and Crabbe… most of them were unchanged, and even if they were different personality- wise, neither of them knew those kids well enough to see a difference. Instead, they turned towards the Gryffindor table. Neville was still definitely shy, the twins were breaking the rules and chatting with each other, Hermione clapped politely for every single student.

Then there was James Jr.

James looked like his dad, except his hair was a little straighter and less messy; likely his mother's influence, who coincidentally was sitting at the staff table as the Muggle Studies teacher. He was also quite stocky, a little shorter than Harry currently was and more buff. He was probably a beater or a chaser, but his frame did not make for a seeker at all.

"Should we both go to Gryffindor?" Ron whispered in his ear, and Harry nodded.

"Potter, Iris!"

The entire hall watched the young brunette walk confidently to the stool, where she was sorted to Gryffindor within moments. The red table cheered loudly and Harry turned to Ron. "They'll call my name out first, but why don't I tell them where to go? No offense, but you're definitely not Slytherin, so in case I end up in Slytherin, I'll be sure that you won't follow."

"I'd rather be in Slytherin with you than two Houses separately, mate," Ron said.

"Come on, trust me. I'll make it worth it, I promise," Harry grinned mischievously. Ron realized that Harry was going to do something ridiculous, and wanted to make it a big show, so he wanted to go last.

"Are you going to make a speech again?" Ron asked.

"No, you can do that. You can confess your love for McGonagall," Harry said, and Ron smirked.

"Fine, I'll do that. But whatever you do better top it, or I'm gonna be disappointed that I couldn't go last."

"Everyone will be so offended."

"Stark, Harry!"

McGonagall looked at the last two boys who were standing off to the side. Ron took a deep breath and walked towards her. When McGonagall raised an eyebrow, he stage-whispered toward her. "My brother is having a stomachache, probably nerves, so he wanted me to go first," Ron explained, and McGonagall nodded.

"Stark, Ronald!" She called instead. "Is that satisfactory?"

"Yeah, thanks," Ron said, before pausing. "Then again, it could just be the pasty on the train that smelled funny."

McGonagall pulled a face and Ron smirked as he sat down on the stool. As he felt the Sorting Hat enter his mind, he saw the students murmuring to each other. They were obviously discussing why two third-year students, according to Dumbledore, were being sorted. Were they transfer students? Were they smart, powerful? Were they anyone that mattered?

'Interesting," the Hat said inside his mind. 'But a quick choice. I want to put you in Hufflepuff. You have great loyalty to your best friend.'

'Yeah, I know. But we agreed to both go to Gryffindor where we can piss off our siblings.'

'A noble goal, and charging into something without really knowing anything about it… most would call it foolish, but Godric called it bravery. In that case, you shall go to…'

"GRYFFINDOR!"

The red table clapped as Ron stood up and took off the hat. McGonagall tried to retrieve it from him, but Ronald paused her, and this act silenced everyone who clapped. Who dared cross McGonagall? McGonagall's eyes narrowed; she was already skeptical of the two boys, after they started misbehaving during her earlier speech. However, Ron only conjured a bouquet of red roses and handed it to a shocked McGonagall.

"I just want to thank this school for taking me in," Ron said loudly, as he handed McGonagall the Hat without looking. "I would especially like to thank the Headmaster for personally escorting Harry and myself to Diagon Alley, teaching us about magic and about the school." He looked toward Dumbledore, who nodded graciously. "However, most of all, I would like to thank the Headmaster for giving me the opportunity to meet the lovely Transfiguration Mistress Minerva McGonagall."

The student body and McGonagall herself gaped, while Dumbledore's eyes twinkled like mad. Before he could be immobilized and silenced, Ron continued. "Had it not been for this opportunity to come here, I do not think I would have met her and realized what true love might be." The crowd roared with laughter and cheering, and wolf whistles pierced through the hall. "Call it a schoolboy crush, but I think I will pursue her to the end of time if it meant she would return my affections." Ron looked at McGonagall and gave a rather convincing shy smile, and she simply looked mortified.

Ron skipped down to the Gryffindor table who cheered (the twins being the most vocal) and he sat down, waiting for the thunderous applause to end so he could see Harry get sorted. Soon enough, the crowd became quiet again, and McGonagall looked at the Headmaster, who nodded. "Stark, Harry," she called weakly.

Harry grinned triumphantly at the crowd before settling down at the stool. The Hat was placed on his head, and Ron watched the clock tick. It continued ticking, ticking. Harry's head drooped and his face was out of sight. After about six minutes, a very long time to be Sorted, the Hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

As it shouted, Harry jumped out of his skin, and the hall laughed appreciatively. Harry handed the Hat back to McGonagall, before standing at the front much like Ron did. The hall became quiet as Harry beamed at the students. The Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs watched on in anticipation, while the Slytherin and Ravenclaw students looked distrustful.

"Hi, everyone!" Harry grinned. "I'm Harry Stark!"

Then he turned around and mooned them.

Thunderous laughter and groans and screams mingled together as Harry quickly pulled up his pants and jogged to the table before any of the teachers could yell at him. While Ron laughed loudly, the twins had fallen off their benches, Percy was pale, James Jr. grinned appreciatively, and all the girls were either bright red or covering their eyes with their hands. Ron pounded Harry on the back as he sat next to him.

"Beautiful," Ron said, wiping a tear from his eye. "Absolutely beautiful. I bet only Sirius would have been brave enough to do that."

The professors looked horrified, at least the ones that saw what he was doing (it was very hard to see from their position). Thankfully, Snape did not see anything, but the Headmaster was laughing loudly, McGonagall was petrified, Lily Potter was burning bright red, Lupin was covering his face with his hands and Pomfrey's head was resting on her empty plate. Whether she was just tired or had fainted, the boys did not know.

"Well," the Headmaster was still chuckling as he addressed the school. "I… I have a few announcements. Magic is still banned between classes, as are certain joke items. As you may know, due to the Sirius Black situation, there are Dementors surrounding the school." His face became serious. "I tried to petition otherwise, but the Ministry was not willing to listen. Please, please do not wander outside the school boundaries for any reason except official Hogsmeade visits, and please travel in as large a group as possible when you do. This also means that you will follow curfew. But, that's about it for now. Tuck in!"

As Harry and Ron ate, the Weasley twins jumped onto either side of them. Ron quickly resisted the urge to touch his brother (he was pretty sure this one was Fred) wonderingly, and he also resisted the urge to cry. However, apparently the Weasley sensed his sadness, because the massive grin on his face slowly slipped away.

"Hey, is something wrong?" Fred asked.

"Nothing. You just… you look uncannily like a very close friend of mine who died," Ron said quickly, and Fred's face fell. Ron forced a smile. "Anyway, what's up?"

"Nothing, dear Ronald. I just wanted to say-"

"Well, we wanted to say-" George joined in.

"That we see some pranking potential in the two of you," the finished together, beaming benevolently down at them.

"Only potential?" Harry asked dryly, as he continued to eat.

"Alright, fair enough," Fred admitted.

"You have a lot more than just potential."

"In fact, that was probably one of the most daring pranks of all time."

"Truly belongs in Gryffindor."

"House of the brave."

Ron and Harry smirked at the twins, who smirked back. "You call yourself the resident pranksters, then?" Ron said. "Fine. You just better make sure we don't steal your title."

The twins grinned. "Are we going to have a prank war, or a prank truce?" They asked.

"Truce," Harry and Ron said. "We're bloody poor, you know," Harry said.

"Practically peasants," Ron added.

"We don't really have the resources-"

"-to engage in a prank war."

The twins blinked at the two boys who had somehow just managed to copy their twin-speak, even if it were only for a short time. They nodded and turned away, whispering to each other. They had some competition now, it seemed.

After a fulfilling meal, making small talk with Jim Potter (who had been thoroughly impressed by the sheer size of the two new boys' balls) and ignoring the glares sent at them from just about every girl in the school, they went up to their dorm room - they only occupied two beds out of the five in their room - and discussed their day.

"We're one step closer to Goal Four," Harry said, and Ron laughed. "I assume that McGonagall's spell from the battle will be somewhere in the library, probably in a book related to the history of the school. We know where the diadem is, so we can do that tomorrow."

"Yeah," Ron grinned. "Shall we do it before breakfast and rock up wearing the diadem?"

"Actually, I want to grab Slytherin's locket while Sirius isn't home," Harry said. "We'll wake up early, we'll hide under my invisibility cloak and we'll sneak out of Hogwarts' wards, I'll apparate to Grimmauld, and you go back to the Room of Requirements. We'll grab the diadem and the locket and we'll meet up at our room. Deal?"

"Deal," Ron nodded. "Well, I guess we best go to sleep early, huh?"

"Yeah," Harry agreed.

The two of them brushed their teeth, took a shower, and quickly went to sleep. They set the alarm for four in the morning, well before the sun rose and well before any of the teachers would be waking up.

"I can't believe you! You went off and got literally all of them!"

"Oh, shut up, Ron. I'll share with you. Which ones do you want?"

"I cannot believe the nerve of them!"

That morning, Daphne Greengrass and her best friend Tracey Davis were in an argument. Pureblood princess Daphne thought that the behavior of those two boys - who were in their year, and they would undoubtedly encounter in class! - was absolutely despicable, while half-blood Tracey thought that they were absolutely hilarious.

"It means they have a sense of humor," Tracey grinned. "They've only just stepped foot inside the school and they're already hilarious. I think that's brilliant."

"It was absolutely vulgar, that's what it was!" Daphne hissed. "He… he, pulled down his trousers! This is exactly why we shouldn't be opening the school to Mudbloods!"

"Hey, that's not nice."

Tracey and Daphne whirled around to find the two boys in question. Daphne groaned while Tracey beamed at them. They were dressed in secondhand school robes, but they seemed to be wearing expensive jewelry for some reason. And was that a sword?

"Plus, we're both half-blood," Ron said.

"Hi Ronald, Harry," Tracey chirped. "I'm Tracey Davis, and this is my best friend Daphne Greengrass."

"Oh, dear," Harry said with a lopsided smile that had won him Teen Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award twice in the past. "What could we possibly have done to draw the attention of two beautiful ladies such as yourselves?"

"You may have drawn our attention, but certainly not for good," Daphne snarled.

"Forgive her, she has no sense of humor," Tracey smiled.

"Well, as our father always used to say, 'there's no such thing as bad publicity.'" Harry chuckled. As he went to scratch his neck, the blood-red stone on a thick, heavy-set gold ring on his right forefinger gleamed.

"Who was your father?" Daphne narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, Gilderoy Lockhart," Harry said breezily, and Ron choked as he tried to take a sip from his heavy golden goblet.

"That buffoon?" Daphne was about to blow up, so while Tracey was immensely enjoying Harry and Ron (they were obviously joking… right?), she still had to hold Daphne still by her shoulders.

"Hey, that's rude. He tried his best, you know?" Ron said. "You shouldn't talk ill of dead people, either."

"He's not dead," Tracey put in.

"He is to us," Harry shrugged.

"If your father is really Lockhart, why are you dressed in secondhand robes?" Daphne demanded.

"We said, he tried his best." Harry shrugged. "We never said his best was very good."

Tracey and Daphne were both close to exploding, although for different reasons. Unable to take it anymore, Tracey guided Daphne towards the great hall, failing to contain her giggles. This apparently infuriated the usually cool, collected girl even more, and as they disappeared around the corner, Harry and Ron heard them erupt into a shouting match.

"I wonder what happened," Harry said.

"No idea," Ron replied, taking another sip from the cup.

They eventually followed the girls into the Great Hall. After gathering all that attention yesterday, the entire hall fell into heavy silence as the two boys grinned at them. At the head of the staff table, Dumbledore let out a small, choked sound as he realized what he was seeing. At the Gryffindor table, Jim Potter whispered, "oh, Merlin."

"What?" Ron frowned, as he adjusted Ravenclaw's diadem atop his head using the merged Elder Superwand, and took another sip from Hufflepuff's cup.

"Yeah," Harry added, adjusting Gryffindor's sword on his belt and stroking Slytherin's locket with the finger that bore the Gaunt ring. "What are you all staring at?"

"Why do you have that sword?" Jim blurted.

"This?" Harry drew the sword of Gryffindor, the blade gleaming as magnificently as its many embedded jewels. "I just found it. I was coming here for breakfast and it was lying on the ground, so… finder's keepers."

Dumbledore began to sob.

"Why are you wearing a tiara, Stark?" Malfoy asked snidely from the Slytherin table.

"Oh," Ron frowned at him. "Well, I thought it was pretty neat when I found this one in the toilets, so I washed it and put it on. It's kind of weird. I feel smarter when I wear it."

At this comment, the Ravenclaw students' eyes widened dramatically. Hovering above the Ravenclaw table, the Grey Lady had actually fainted, to the shock of the students and Professors. When Ron idly used the Elder Wand to scratch his back, Dumbledore burst into tears and ran to his office.

"Any other questions?" Harry asked sarcastically, but the Hall was deathly silent. "Good."

The two boys walked over to the Gryffindor table where they sat down and ate, speaking casually about things that didn't matter, and in the process infuriating everyone in earshot who wanted to hear about the strange tiara and sword instead. Soon enough, the students realized that they weren't going to get any more information, so they returned to quiet muttering and occasional glances their way.

Eventually, the Heads of House began handing out timetables. Ron and Harry grinned; all of their classes were the exact same. They were especially looking forward to Creatures; that was the only class that could still make them feel extremely challenged and excited - excited as in, fight or flight, adrenaline, terror.

"Um, Harry?" Jim asked tentatively. "Where… where did you get the Sword of Gryffindor?"

Everyone who heard that whipped their heads around so hard that it likely caused a few whiplashes. Harry shrugged, returning everyone's expectant gazes uncomfortably. "I told you, I found it on the ground. It's not much of a story, really."

"The Sword of Gryffindor doesn't just appear on the ground," Hermione said through gritted teeth. "Where did you find it?"

"Why are you guys so intense?" Harry complained nervously. "Why do you guys think I'm lying? I'm not lying, really."

Harry's fingers were crossed in a pocket.

"Did you steal it from the Headmaster's office?" Hermione shrieked, and everyone nearby clapped their hands over their ears.

"Geez, I don't even know you, lady! Calm down!" Ron yelled back.

"Do you sincerely think that I could break into the Headmaster's office?" Harry asked rhetorically. Hermione huffed angrily at that. He probably shouldn't tell her that he actually did break into the Headmaster's office.

"And what about Ravenclaw's Diadem?" Percy asked loudly, gaining the attention of the Ravens who were sitting nearby. Stupid, stupid Percy!

"Oh, is that what it's called?" Ron shrugged casually, to the horror of all students listening. "Is it important?"

"Of course it's important!" Percy shouted indignantly. "It's an important piece of Hogwarts history, and a priceless magical artifact on its own!"

The entire hall was silent as they listened to Percy shout. Ron opened his mouth, and closed it. Then he opened it again. "It's a good thing I looked before I pooped, then."

There were horrified screams all around, and Percy's face turned as red as his hair. Harry, unable to hold it in, laughed until tears ran down his face. The Grey Lady had to be taken to the hospital wing, and McGonagall quickly left the hall to drown herself in her firewhiskey. Snape's face was completely frozen in an expression of terror, no doubt wondering how someone wearing the diadem could still be so stupid.

"To be honest," Ron said, and the hall was silenced again. "I didn't think it was that impressive. If you hadn't told me, I probably would've given it to the girl I like in my Muggle orphanage."

Horrified screams went up again, and absolutely furious ones from the Ravenclaws especially. It was a good thing Dumbledore left earlier, because otherwise he might have suffered an aneurysm. Ron and Harry were having a lot of fun, but they also had the strange feeling that they might be lynched very soon, so they pelted from the hall to the relative safety of the Gryffindor dorms.