I'm barely holding onto my strings of reality. Every minute of every day, my hands slide further and further down and my mind merges with the chaos below. If I try to fight it, it envelopes me faster. I can't breathe anymore without the hollow ache in my chest. I wish someone could help me. No one can help me.
My head hurts from all the chaos and my emotions are skewed. I don't trust anyone enough to let them help me. No one tries to get me to trust them enough to help me. My only respite in in the pages of this journal.
People think I'm loud and obnoxious; that I couldn't hold a secret to save my life. Maybe their right. But they don't know my secrets. They don't know my true pain. They don't know the face behind the happy mask I put up and when it slips… it angers them, scares them, hurts them… and I am unworthy of any forgiveness. I'm unworthy of even breathing the same air as they do. I'm unworthy of living.
If I give into those thoughts, I hurt them even more. I can never win in this endless battle. I struggle and struggle but I will never come out on top.
I feel these thoughts threatening to swallow me whole and never let me go. I can feel this knife I hold in my hand. It's cold and unforgiving. It's perfect. I smile down at it and then I catch myself. I wouldn't do that to those few who care; I will protect them from the monster I am.
Imagine your worst nightmares. I live mine every day. Can you even comprehend what that is like? Living in this constant fear… I'm scared of everything. Everyone thinks I'm completely unafraid. But that is a total lie; the perfect façade. In truth, I can't go three seconds without that fear right on the tip on my mind. I'm afraid of what will happen if I give in. I'm afraid what I'd end up doing to my precious people. I'm afraid that I'll like what I do to them…
I've thought about turning myself in to make sure that everyone is safe when I finally break. I've gone so far as to walk up the street towards the ANBU headquarters and stand out front for hours on end. In the end, I'm too afraid and I walk away. Why am I afraid? Because they'll say that I'm not 'severe' enough to warrant my blissful imprisonment.
Sometimes I curse at my ability to hide it. I hate how I can fool everyone. I hate how they don't even try to see through it. I hate how I don't let those who want to see through it in. I hate that I am such a coward. I hate how easy it has become to hate. I hate how similar I am to the teme on the inside.
I love how some people think I let them in. It's amusing to see Sakura roll her eyes, to watch Sasuke glare at me, to see Kakashi do that creepy eye smile at us while reading his porn. I wonder what everything would be like if they did know how messed up I am inside. If people suspect or even know a little, they never know it all.
They don't know how I hide myself away to save them. How I'm constantly thinking of how to make my mask stronger. How to adapt it to keep it all in; it's how I started this journal. This way I can let my mask out before it overflows. This way, maybe I can save those I care for.
Please let this work… I don't think I have that much longer before my strings run out.