Long Overdue
Disclaimer: Neither the characters, nor the premise belong to me. The only things that are mine are the words that come out of their mouths and the feelings they express, oh, and Arlin too.
A/N: Well, here's chapter 2, I'm sorry it took so long. I'd promise to be faster but I've learned that would just be lying; I have a four other stories in the works - that and real life means that I don't write as fast as I'd like. I want to thank everyone for reviewing and for giving me suggestions. I'm not sure if you'll like Teyla's attitude; it might actually be somewhat out of character in some of your opinion. I guess I did go out on a limb somewhat with it, but I think it works and I just had to mention how much her appearance has changed this last season - she looks as if she was from Earth than from Athos in most of the episodes, don't you think?. Let me know how you like this chapter, if you think I'm too much out of character and if you have any suggestions - I'll try to accomodate you. Enjoy!
Chapter 2: Hard Truths
As Teyla walked away from John, she knew she had surprised and confused him. It had not been her intent to do either. In fact, she had not intended to bring the subject up all – especially not here and now. But when the moment presented itself, she took it and she didn't regret it. She wasn't one to follow impulses, but she firmly believed that when things were meant to happen, they did.
As she approached the campfire where Halling, Daniel and Vala were sitting, Teyla realized that she wasn't really in the mood for company. She walked past them without stopping, regardless of what she had told John. She spied the refreshment tent further down the path and she headed there, intending to get something to drink. As she reached the tent, she heard a laugh and turned to watch Vala laughed at something Halling said.
She shook her head as she thought how sometimes one only saw what was wrong in one's life when it was reflected in someone else's. If it hadn't been for Vala, she probably would still not know what it was that had been bothering her the past few weeks. It was funny, but for two such different people who had led very different lives, she and Vala had a lot of things in common. The most important one being that they were both completely in love with men they weren't sure of. Oh, they knew the men cared for them; they just weren't sure how much.
It had taken Vala quite a while before she opened up, like Teyla had told John, Vala was a person that did not trust easily. But after several months of sparing together, sharing experiences and comparing notes on the weirdness of the people from Earth, Vala had gradually grown to trust her and feel safe in talking about her feelings. It had still taken her several days before she finally came out with what was obviously bothering.
Unlike Teyla, she had known what it was that was bothering her, but she hadn't felt comfortable discussing it. She had actually felt guilty for feeling that there was something missing in her relationship with Daniel. For the first time in her life, she had everything she's ever wanted: good friends, a place to call home, work that was worthwhile and she could feel proud of and a man to love that loved her. And she felt that she owed all of that to Daniel. To actually feel that there was something else she needed that he was not giving, made her feel like she was betraying him or at least not appreciating everything he had given her.
To have everything you ever wanted in life: good friends, rewarding work and love and still feel if not discontent with it, at least dissatisfied was a confusing feeling – and one Teyla understood all too well for she had feeling the same for the past few weeks. She hadn't been able to explain it, even to herself. After all it had not been something she felt all the time, for she led a busy life after all. But whenever she had had a free moment, she had felt restless, preoccupied and the knot in her stomach had been growing steadily as had the sensation that she was forgetting something very important she had to do but couldn't remember.
It was only as she heard Vala haltingly explained what she was going through, that she realized what it was that she had been feeling. And she like Vala had also felt guilt for feeling like that. After all, despite the war with the Wraith, Teyla's life was going pretty good; she really had nothing to complain about. And she felt that to do so was disrespectful of all whose lives were much worse than hers, to all those who no longer had lives because of the Wraith. But after much soul searching and countless talks with Vala, she had come to the decision that feelings were what they were and one couldn't change them and one shouldn't feel guilty because of them. Yes, she had a good life; probably as good a life as she could have given the circumstances and to want more might feel selfish, but the truth was that she did want, no she needed more than what John had been given her and there was no reason to feel guilt because of it.
She didn't know if he could give her more or not and that more than anything else had made her doubt whether she should said anything or not. She did not want to loose him and she feared that if she pushed him too much she just might. But at the end of the day, Teyla Emmagan was not someone who shrank from doing something because it was hard or risky; she did what she had to do. She had resolved to talk with John, but still she had been putting it off. She had not been sure how to broach the subject; she didn't want to come off as accusing him of anything. Because, really, he had done nothing wrong.
Neither one of them had done anything wrong. The fact was that things between them had progressed so slowly, so naturally, that they've never really talked about it – they've never felt any need. The progression from friends to best friends to confidants to lovers had been so smoothly that there had never been any one defining moment; any moment where it was so obvious things were changing that they could stop and reflect on it.
Even now, looking back, Teyla could not pinpoint any turning moment in their relationship. Instead, it seemed to her that this was where they had been heading since they first met each other. She had known that he was a man she could trust the moment they made eye contact, not only because he had been the only one in his expedition to treat her with the respect due to her as the leader of her people but because there had been something in his eyes that she had recognized – a kindred spirit. And she was sure, he had felt it too. That there had also been attraction between them was something that she was pretty sure neither had noticed at the time and if they did, well, there had been more pressing matters to take care of.
Even in the early stages of their relationship, when they had been little more than comrades-in-arms fighting the same war, their trust in each other had been unshakable; when almost everyone in Atlantis suspected her of collaborating with the Wraith, it had been John that had believed her and argued on her behalf until she was proven innocent and when he had argued with her against waiting for Orin and his family when the planet was being culled, she had argued back and been mad and disappointed but the only reason she had threatened to stay behind was because deep down she trusted him to not leave her.
That trust they've had when they've had no reason to trust each other but their instinct had only grown as they've gotten to know each other. They've gone from people who shared the most superficial information about their cultures to friends that taught each other the skills they valued the most (sparing with the sticks for her and martial arts and knowing how to handle fire weapons for him). Their friendship and trust had only intensified when Lt Ford had gone missing and she took the role of his 2IC. Though he's never said anything, she knew from comments made by Rodney and Elizabeth that the only reason she retained that position was because he once again fought for her – the military wanted an officer as his second but he stood firm in his belief that she was the only person for the job.
They gradually became best friends, telling each other things they would never dream of telling anyone else; she knew that she was the one person he trusted the most in this or any other galaxy and he knew the same was true for her. There was no in Atlantis or on the mainland that knew Teyla better than John and there was no one in Atlantis or Earth that knew John better than Teyla. They were so tuned to each other that often a glance or small movement was enough for them to communicate; it was that made them so good in the field and Teyla had wondered more than once whether her Wraith DNA had allowed her to somehow bond with John but she had never quite mustered the nerve to bring the subject up with John or take her suspicions to Carson.
But despite how closed they became, it wasn't until John was forced to go back to Earth that they had realized how important, how integral they had become to each other and how much they depended on each other. The weeks John had been on Earth had been the longest, hardest, most frustrating and loneliest of her life. They've been even worse than the weeks after her father died because then she had at least known that he was gone and she could mourn him and move on. But when John had gone back to Earth she knew he was alive somewhere but hadn't known when or even if she would ever seen him again or even know if something were to happen to him.
Back when her father passed she'd had the comfort of the familiar and of being able to bury herself in her duties but when John left she had been living with the Lanteans for over three years and she no longer quite fit in with her people. Oh, Halling had quite graciously step aside and allowed her to resume her duties as leader but he had been the de facto leader for years and knew much better than she the needs of their people and sad as it was when she realized it, their people no longer quite trusted her as they did Halling. It had been with this in mind, that she had quietly and gradually given control back to Halling and she had immersed herself in helping to rebuild their settlement, hoping that the physical activity would calm her restlessness.
But the years spent among the Lanteans had done more than just distanced her from her people, they had taught her that she did not have to wait for the inevitable, that she could fight for the future she wanted; they had conditioned her to go out and fight and the restlessness and the desire to be out there doing something proactive had only grown as the days and weeks had gone by. The things that her life had consisted of since she was a little girl, the things she had thought would always fill her life, were no longer enough.
And that was another thing that separated her from her people; they were willing to fight to defend their homes but they didn't understand her desire to go and look for a fight.
Ronan understood, of course, and she had been very grateful that he had chosen to stay with her and her people but as much as he too missed the Lanteans, he hadn't fully understood her sense of loss, maybe it was because he had already lost everything once or maybe it was that he hadn't been there the first year when all they've had to relied on was each other. For whatever reason, he'd been able to put his energies on moving ahead to the next fight. She had tried to do the same and she had kept up the appearance of being fine, but when she heard John's voice coming from the dark and had turned and see him come out of the woods, she had felt the part of herself that was missing click back into place.
If the look in his eyes was any indication, John had felt the same way and after they've retaken the city and everything had settled down, they had spent hours together, talking and catching up. They were pretty much inseparable, spending most of their downtime with each other to the exclusion of pretty much everyone else. Eventually, the emotionally intimacy led to physical intimacy, though they haven't yet 'gone all the way' as he so adequately puts it. They were in every sense of the word, a couple and have been one for the last nine months and everyone understood it even if it hadn't been explicitly said out loud by anyone.
She was re-filling her cup and reflecting on how it was no one's fault that they've gotten to where they were without talking when she heard someone called out, "Teyla!" She turned and saw a young man make his way towards her.
"Jinto, is that you?" She asked as the youth approached her. "I can't believe you've grown so much!" She exclaimed as she hugged him. "How are you?"
"I'm fine," he answered. "I haven't seen you in a while."
"I know," she said as she grimaced. "I have been very busy and have not had the chance to come and see you as much as I would like."
"That's ok," Jinto answered with a shrug. "I understand your work is important. But we've missed you around here."
"Oh, Jinto," she answered as she ruffled his hair. "I have really missed you too. I will try and come over more often. But you know you could come to the city too. I am sure everyone will be more than happy to see you."
"I'd like that," Jinto accepted the implied invitation just as his dad entered the tent.
"Teyla," he greeted as he walked up and they shared the traditional greeting. "How are you?"
"I am fine. Did you have a good conversation with Dr Jackson and Vala?"
"Yes, he was most interested in our customs."
"Yes," she agreed, nodding her head. "John tells me that he is an anthropologist as well as an archeologist, which means that he studies the customs of every society he encounters."
"Um, I can attest to that," he said with a chuckle. A minutes later after Jinto said his goodbyes, Halling said, "You look nice tonight."
"Thank you," she graciously accepted the compliment.
"That is an interesting outfit," he said, gesturing to her pants.
"They are called 'blue jeans'," she explained, looking down at them. "They are quite comfortable and warm. I thought they'd be perfect tonight." Thought she own more than a few pairs, the ones she was wearing were the first pair John had ever given to her. He had brought them with him on his first return from Earth, saying that since she had seemed to like them so much in the vision they had shared of Earth, he thought she would enjoy the real thing. And he had been right; it had taken her some time to actually wear them, but once she did, they had quickly become one of her most favorite pieces of clothing.
For a long time, those jeans and the uniform she wore while on duty had been the only Earth clothes she owned. However, all that had changed when she met Vala, who had never met an article of clothing she didn't like. Before she knew it, her closet was filled not only with clothes from Earth but her bureau was full of cosmetics and perfumes, most of which she had never used. And she had one basket full of what Vala called 'accessories'. She didn't think she would ever use even half the stuff that Vala had given her the past few months, but if she was happy giving presents, who was she to say no. And of course, there were one or two things she really liked and was more than happy to accept. It was just a good thing that Vala was such good friends with the wife of the General in charged of the whole program, because otherwise, Teyla was sure the other woman would not receive such large care packages every other week. Then again, Teyla doubted that Vala would have agreed to come to the Pegasus galaxy if she hadn't been assured she would be able to received a regular shipment of what she called 'basic necessities' but which Daniel called 'girly stuff.'
"Yes, they look comfortable," Halling agreed and then said, "We expected you to at the council meeting last week."
It was not said with reproach, but Teyla still felt the need to apologize. "I know and I am sorry I was not able to attend. I had planned to but our mission run longer than anticipated and then we had to go through our post-op check up and debriefing. By the time we were done with all the post-of requirements, it was too late to make the meeting. Did I miss anything particularly important?"
"No, nothing particularly important," Halling denied as he took a sip of his beverage. "It was just a normal meeting."
"I will try harder to make it to the next one, Halling. I promise," Teyla said sincerely.
"Teyla, please do not make promises you are not sure you will be able to keep," Halling said calmly, looking into her eyes.
"But I will keep it," she protested earnestly but at his knowing look, he added, "Unless something unexpected comes up.'
"I know that you will intent to keep it, Teyla. But I also know that it is not always in your power whether or not you can come."
Though Halling's tone was calm and matter of fact, Teyla couldn't help but feel somewhat chastised. "Halling, you know my reasons for living in Atlantis and doing what I do. You know it is important."
"Yes, I do know," he agreed. "But I also know lately you seemed to be more Lantean than Athosian."
"That it is not true," Teyla denied vehemently.
"No?" Hallings asked. "Teyla have you looked in a mirror lately? You wear their clothes more often than ours, you style your hair following their fashion, and you have even picked up their manner of speech."
"I . . ." Teyla started to say, but fell silent when she realized she had nothing to say. Everything Halling had said was true. She was wearing Earth style clothing more and more and she was doing her hair like Elizabeth taught her. That did not mean that she was abandoning her roots as an Athosian however. "If I am using some of their words, it is because I work with them and it is necessary to I use them."
"I understand that," Halling acknowledged. "Is it also necessary that you dress like them? And use the same paint on your face as their women do?"
Teyla put a hand to her cheek as she remembered that she was indeed wearing lipstick and blush, thank the Ancestors she had forgone wearing eye shadow that night. "No, it is not necessary but it does help to blend in."
"I would think that after more four years they would be used to you and you would not need to blend in any longer." Halling protested. Before she could argued anything back, he put his hand back and said, "Teyla it is not my intention to attack you or criticize you."
"Forgive me, Halling, but it feels exactly like that," she argued.
"I know and I am sorry. I just want you to see that you've changed, that you are not the same person you were five years ago. There is nothing wrong with that," he assured her. "We all grown and we all change, some more than others but we all change. And the only thing wrong with that is if do not admit it."
"Halling, I may not be the exact person I was then, but I am still basically the same," she argued, though she wasn't sure why she was fighting this so hard when she had basically said the same thing to John less than two hours ago.
"In some ways, yes you are," Halling agree. "In others, no you're not. Teyla," he said as he took her hands and looked her intently on the eyes. "Your time with the Lanteans has changed you in profound ways. You've become a warrior and are longer content to live the life of a farmer when you could be out there fighting. You think we didn't see what staying behind when the Lanteans left did to you?" He asked.
"I . . ." she started to say as she shook her head.
"Teyla, we all saw it: the restlessness, the desire to be out there fighting, the dissatisfaction of doing something you no longer found rewarding."
"Halling," she protested, shocked. "How can you say that? There is nothing more rewarding that building a house with your own hands, than planting seeds knowing that soon they'll be the food that'll feed everyone."
"For a farmer, no there's nothing more rewarding." He agreed. "But you are no longer a farmer, Teyla. You are no longer just Teyla, the leader of the Athosian people. Now you are a citizen of Atlantis, a member of a SGC team, the right hand of Dr. Weir and perhaps most importantly, you are the life mate to John Sheppard." He shook his head when he saw the surprise on her eyes. "You did not think I could see it? I have known you since you were born, Teyla. You might be able to fool others but you can not fool me."
"It is not my intention to fool anyone, Hallings. It is just a . . . complicated situation." She shook her head and look to the side for a while before saying, "Frankly, it is nothing like what I thought it would be."
"I am sure it is complicated and nothing like you thought; few things in life are easy or as we imagine them. The important thing is to accept them as they are and not as we would have wished they were." He paused for a minute to think things through and then said, "Teyla, I think it is time you accepted the fact that your destiny no longer lies with us."
"Halling!" Teyla protested, shocked that he would say such a thing – even when the though had crossed her own mind more than once.
"Teyla, this will always be your home and you will always have a seat in the council, you know that. But your place is no longer here and you know that too. For now, it is in Atlantis, fighting the Wraith and with Colonel Sheppard. When the war is over, then you might find yourself coming back or you might find yourself going to Earth, because while you will always have a place here, home is not a place but the persons that fill your heart and your home is from now on wherever John Sheppard is – and that is as it should be. Whether you come and settle here or you go on back to Earth will be a decision that you and he have to make together. As much as we would miss you if you were to go, we would not want you to sacrifice your happiness for us."
"Staying with my people would never be a sacrifice, Halling," Teyla argued, even as what she was hearing was on the verge of overwhelming her.
Halling smiled tenderly and gently said, "It would be if half of you were some place else. Teyla, you can't keep this up. We appreciate it and we understand why you do it, but it is time that you let go. You'll always be an Athosian but you are destined for things other than a simple, farmer's life. You need to embrace that and stop thinking that you are abandoning us if you don't come regularly or are involved in every little decision; you need to let go of the misplaced guilt. You are where and with whom you need to be."
Teyla looked at him with a stunned expression, unable to say anything, as Halling saw Arlin come into the tent and wave to him. He waved back and turning back to Teyla said, "Again, I did not mention this with the intent to annoy you or confuse you. I just thought it was time someone mention it. I hope you will think on it and come to peace with the path your life has taken." He then leaned forward and touched foreheads with her in the traditional farewell and went to join Arlin.
Teyla stayed in place for an indeterminate space of time, staring at the tent until with a jolt she came back to herself. She then turned around and noticed that the other end of the tent was quite crowded with a mix of Atlantis personnel and Athosians. Feeling even less inclined to talk to anyone now than she had earlier she exited the tent by the back flap without returning any of the greetings that were thrown her way.
She walked aimlessly in the forest away from the party for long minutes as Halling's word replayed endlessly in her head. She did not know why they had affected her so strongly when she had thought much the same things from time to time in the last couple of years. Maybe it was because thinking something in the privacy of your own mind was not the same as hearing it said out loud by someone else; hearing it out loud makes it more real somehow and you have to face it whether you want to or not, whether you're ready or not.
Before she knew it, she had arrived at the lake where John had introduced her to the Earth custom of picnicking. They had had quite a few picnics in the last year. She looked around and saw the tree under which most of them had happened. Without thinking about it, she headed there and sat back with her back to the tree. Once seated, she looked towards the lake and admired the reflection of the moon on the water for a long moment.
Inevitably, her thoughts turned back towards what Halling had said. Her mind was in such turmoil that she could not grab one thought and follow it through. To center herself, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, attempting to meditate. After a few minutes, she was able to calm herself enough to start to make sense out of the chaos her emotions were.
She knew that Halling was right. She was no longer the person she had been when she had met John and the rest of the Lanteans; her priorities had changed drastically since then. While the welfare of her people continued to be and will always be one of them, the fact was that it was no longer the thing that kept her up at night. No, nowadays that was reserved for the welfare and safety of her team because, Ancestors knew, with the luck they had they were always either about to get into some trouble or just gotten out of some trouble and waiting for one of them to get out of the infirmary.
Her people, however, were no longer at continuous risk any longer. Because the Wraith still thought that Atlantis had been destroyed and because they never knew of the Athosians settlement on the mainland, they had no reason to come look for them and thus, the biggest threat her people had faced was if not neutralized then certainly contained. But knowing the Lanteans had meant more than that to her people; it had meant access to better medical care, more technology if they wanted or needed it and continued access to the 'Gate for any off-world treading when needed. It had meant a better if not always easier life.
It was because the of the increased safety, stability and security of her people that she had been able to make the switch in priorities and yet, from time to time she still felt incredibly guilty because of it. And, it slowly dawned on her that that might have been one of the reasons why she had never brought up the subject of their relationship with John. True, the natural progression of their relationship had precluded a discussion of their future and John's well known dislike of emotional conversations might have, unconsciously, made her hesitate in bringing the subject up but her own ambivalence on the subject had also played a role.
It was not that she wasn't committed to the relationship, because she had never been more committed to anything outside of leading her people. The fact that both commitments could at some point be in conflict had made her shy away from any talk of the future. The knot in her stomach when she had not been busy had been as much because she hadn't known where their relationship was heading as it had been because she one day might have to choose between love and duty and worse, because she felt that she had already chosen and in so choosing she had betrayed her father and her people. But Halling was right, it was time to let go of the guilt. Following your destiny was not a betrayal and her dad would not want her to sacrifice her happiness on the altar of duty.
She closed her eyes as she let her head fall back to the tree. It was hard accepting the possibility that her future could be far from her people. Then again, maybe it was time she did. Maybe it was time to truly accept that her future was with John, where ever he might end up; that she had done everything she could for her people and that wanting something different would not be a betrayal. Besides, who was to say that they couldn't just stay in Atlantis? After all, the Lanteans had come looking to explore and even if, no when, the war with the Wraith is over, they'll go back to exploration – there was still about a quarter of the city left to explore and according to Rodney he'd love to go back and really explore the three quarters they've already explored. There was every reason to believe they could continue to live in the city for a long time to come. But even if they didn't, it would still be ok and either way she had to finally assimilate the changes that had occurred in her life and stopped feeling guilty about them.
She opened her eyes and stared at the water again. A few minutes later, she took another deep breath and as she let it out, she let out all the guilt. A few minutes after that, she got up and went back to the party much lighter of spirit and ready to face John again – whether he was ready was another matter entirely.