Disclaimer: Nope. I still don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the many franchises that had a bizarre virtual orgy to make this fucked-up flipper baby we call Smash.

One final brawl...to end them all.

That was what scriptures would later say to refer to the great debacle known as the Subspace War.

From all over many universes, fighters banded together to defeat a greater threat, one that wished to destroy all that ever was. However, some warriors were more in tune with the concept of camaraderie than others.

"Ahhhhh! Oh, gods above, my side!"

Zelda collapsed to the forest floor, panting heavily at the incredible pain that she'd been dealt at the hands of a Sword Primid. The coward had sneaked up behind her as she was dispatching dozens of its kin, and stabbed her ruthlessly in the hip. The then-princess whimpered in agony as blood flowed freely from her ruptured flesh.
"SKRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The Hero of Time rushed forward, dispatching the Primid with a single sword stroke. Zelda blushed a bit as she stared up at him, smiling weakly.
"Don't give me that dopey grin, you clueless ditz," Link said coldly as he pointed his blade directly at her. "I only killed that thing because I might need your magic later on.

Now get up and keep fighting, woman!"
Zelda let out another whimper, her jaw quivering.
"Link...I think I need to rest. The wound is very deep..."
"Oh, get over it, you whiny child! It's just a pierced kidney. I've had tons of those." With that, Link was gone, sprinting forward with a cry of "DON'T WORRY! I'LL HELP YOU, ROY!"
Several creatures quickly took notice of Zelda's prone state, and rushed towards her. Fresh game...this one would make an amazing trophy. However, Zelda was fortunate in that she didn't need to worry about being abandoned by Link. That sound...that tiny sound out of the corner of her ear...where had she heard that before?

kyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Zelda's eyes widened and, as all of the Primids, Bucculus, and Floow were hit with a raucous BOOM that sent them packing, she spoke the name of the real hero of this picture.

"...Samus!"

As if cued by her own theme music, Samus Aran leaped from a tree, firing volleys of her trademark Super Missiles that detonated the remaining Subspace warriors. She

landed on her feet with a soft thud, then stood, the bright reds and yellows of her Varia Suit gleaming in the daylight. She approached Zelda, crouched, and offered the princess her hand.

Ahh, Samus.

Zelda awakened in her bedroom. Hyrule Castle, just as she'd left it two days ago. She'd walked in on Link's unforgivable adultery with that scumbag Roy, and she'd make him pay. Of this there was no doubt.

After her return, Link was, of course, sickening affectionate, telling her of how worried he'd been, but he knew, oh yes, he KNEW that his queen was safe. Zelda had had to put forth considerable effort to avoid gagging. But she remained calm, and she remained ever-vigilant. Tonight she'd brought a pheasant home for Link to cook. While he was cooking...Zelda was scheming.

She quickly crossed the room, looking out the window and straight down. If all went according to plan, there should be a camouflaged ally there...and there he was. The slight bending of light was just enough to note his presence.
"Alright. I'm ready. Let's do this...Snake."
Camouflage deactivated, and Solid Snake pulled himself up the grappling hook he'd set in the castle's roof.
"You kept me waiting, but I don't mind. Anticipation can heighten the pleasure of most pleasurable sins." He tapped his earpiece once and, an entire dimension away, Samus was receiving the transmission.
"This is Snake. I'm beginning my mission now."
"Well done, Snake. Glad to see you got there without anyone noticing." Samus, clad in her Power Suit, was serving as Snake's CO, overseeing the operation from the bridge of her gunship.
Snake raised an eyebrow. "Was there ever doubt in your mind, Samus? That's disheartening."
"Cut the chitchat. Did you bring the spare suit I gave you?"
"Yeah, here..." Reaching into his backpack, Snake produced a heavy jumpsuit, which he offered to Zelda.
"It's a Zero Suit. Samus wants you to leave your dress behind."
Zelda nodded, taking the suit. "Understood..."

As Snake turned his back and Zelda undressed, she thought deeply over what she was about to do. If Link did not want to be her husband, than she would not do him the pleasure of granting him knowledge of her existence. In order to do this, she and Samus decided to fake the queen's death. While she escaped to Tallon IV, all of Hyrule would be in mourning. Zelda was saddened by this, but it was high time she started looking out for herself as opposed to the kingdom that was thrust upon her. She never asked to be their monarch.
"Alright, you can look again," Zelda said to the mercenary as she zipped up the skin-tight suit. Snake nodded, and went about his work.
He decided that the best way to fake Zelda's death would be to set C-4 at three spots around the room: under her bed, behind the dresser, and in the rafters. There would also need to be proof that Zelda was once in the dress they were about to flatten, and in that light, after setting the explosives, he turned to the Hylian.
"I need some of your blood," he said flatly, brandishing his knife.
Zelda nodded again. "Alright." Holding out her hand, Snake gave it a swift prick, causing Zelda to squint briefly, and mopped up the wound with the dress. He then tossed the dress in the very center of the floor.
"I doubt Link knows much about anatomy. If he did, we'd need some bone fragments...and some brain matter as well. However, I think blood ought to do it," the soldier stated. "Ready, Zelda?" He quickly rushed to the window, gripping the tight cord which he'd climbed to get there. Zelda soon followed, her arms and legs entwining Snake in the least suggestive way the queen could muster. She didn't want to give Snake any ideas. She'd heard Samus's stories.
Snake tapped his Codec once more.
"Extraction beginning."
Zelda tapped Snake's shoulder. "And Snake...tell her I love her."
Snake rolled his eyes. Was now really the time?
"Samus...Zelda says she--"
"I love you too, Zelda," came the reply. Samus figured now would be the time that Zelda would say that. She'd done a lot of observing during the Subspace fiasco. She knew how Zelda operated. It was so cute how she'd display her emotions at moments that many (like Snake) would consider inopportune.
"Good news, she still loves you." Snake sighed, then rappled down the wall of the castle. Upon reaching the ground, he let Zelda down and pointed towards the forest.
"Meet me there in five minutes. As to how you get there, I leave it to you. When I see you, I'll detonate the explosives. Hurry, though. Link will probably be done cooking your dinner soon."
Zelda nodded wordlessly and closed her eyes, utilizing her god-given magical prowess to assume the form of Sheik once again. Without even waiting for Snake's approval, she dashed at top speed in the forest's direction. At that rate, she'd be there in less than two minutes. Snake, having no magical power of any kind, preferred to use a bit more discretion.
Triggering his camouflage, he moved quickly and quietly, watching the silhouette of Sheik disappear into the night.

The Subspace portal stood before the masked Sheik, and her eyes softened, remembering the day that Samus had saved her from herself by blasting a hungry Octorok to pieces. She sat in front of it, locked deep in meditation. Meanwhile, Samus relaxed slightly in the cockpit of her ship, her face locked on a screen in front of her. She grew listless during the five minutes she spent waiting for Snake to inform her of the mission's completion, and so she spent five minutes remembering her first and only encounter with Roy, the swordsman who'd eventually bed her lover's husband.

Samus was alone, running through the fluffy clouds of Skyworld on a search for a trophy of one of the Subspace Army's soldiers, the Shellpod. Sure, she could attempt to locate a trophy stand, but it would be easier, she thought, to raid various places she thought might be archives.

Upon reaching a small building she thought to be a temple, Samus quickly entered and discovered that trophies were indeed there, but they were being stuffed into a sack by a short, skinny boy with fiery red hair. He quickly noticed Samus's presence and turned, grimacing at her.
"I know you..." he growled, tightening the grip on his broadsword. "You're that woman from another time who believes you're superior to us, just because you have more weapons." The way he placed emphasis on the word 'woman' made Samus believe he was probably a misogynist.
"Whoever told you that is a liar. I don't consider myself superior to you or anyone else." Samus's eyes narrowed behind her Combat Visor. This boy was already starting to piss her off.
"Bullshit," he spat, his eyes narrowing to match Samus's, even though he couldn't see them. "You women are all alike. You're trying to take over, but none of you realize that this is a man's world."
"You can stop right there." Samus was fed up. She'd heard enough of this chauvanistic bullshit while she was in Federation employ. She didn't need to hear it again, and in that light, she pointed her Arm Cannon right between the boy's eyes.
"I'm going to count to ten. If a Shellpod trophy isn't in my hand when I say ten, your head will be. Is your objective clear?"

The boy growled, then reached into the sack and dropped the trophy Samus had requested right at her feet.
"Take it and get lost," he said quietly, grudgingly. "This isn't over, though, so don't believe for a moment that you've bested me, wench. You will feel the sting of my blade, and you will know the name of Roy."
Samus snorted, taking the trophy and turning her back.
"Until then," she stated flatly, "you're just another stupid little boy to me."
And with that, she was gone.

"Zelda."
Sheik turned, looking Snake straight in the eye as he met her at the Subspace portal.
"Are you ready for this?" the scruffy man asked, readying the explosives. The only response he got was a nod, and so he flipped the switch.
Even from that far away, an earth-shattering BOOM! could be heard. That...and the scream of a husband who'd just lost the wife he didn't deserve.
Discarding her disguise and reverting to her true self, Zelda nodded to Snake. "Thank you for this..."
"No thanks needed," Snake responded quickly. "During the war I would worry a lot about Samus. She was a little too obsessed with her duties as a hunter. But now, because of you, Zelda...I don't worry about Samus anymore. I know now that she won't suffer the same fate that's made such a cold-hearted person out of me."
Zelda smiled warmly. "I'm glad I could help you, Snake. Now...we should get back to Tallon IV."
Tapping his Codec once, Snake grinned slightly.
"Samus...mission accomplished."

Upon walking through the portal, Zelda was greeted by a quick, powerful embrace. Samus almost tackled the poor queen, lifting her into the air and spinning around, a show of happiness that was new to them all, especially the Hunter herself.
"Oh, Zelda...oh, Zelda..." she repeated endlessly, holding Zelda as tightly as she could.
Zelda kissed Samus once, very lightly, then turned to once again thank their accomplice.
"Thank you aga--"
Samus turned to the portal, seeing that Snake had never walked through it.
"He never much liked the limelight..." the warrioress noted. "He knows that you're grateful though...I'm sure."
Zelda giggled, burying her head in Samus's shoulder.
"No one will be looking for me after that. I really did go out with a bang."

Samus sat on the rich grass of Tallon IV's overworld, rocking back and forth with her love in her arms. After a moment, she finally spoke.
"...Welcome home, Zelda."