"Hey Kratos, you okay?" I unclench my fists and take a deep breath, composing my face into my usual emotionless mask.
"There is no cause for worry. I am mrely planning the best route to the Tower." I turn to face Sheena Fujibayashi, a young girl from Tethe'alla travelling with our group. I knew it unwise to allow this would-be assassin to join us, but I did not offer my opinion. I did so with the thought that as long as she remains docile and does not threaten the Jounrney of Regeneration, she might be a source of information for me whilst I am deprived of correspondence with my usual circle.
Sheena still watches me from the corner of her eye. "I just thought maybe you didn't look so good. You shouldn't worry about tomorrow. We've handled worse than this. It's just another fight."
"Is it?" I murmur. I give a short bark of mirthless laughter; not even I could not deny that as plain admittance of my fear of tomorrow's outcome. Not even I.
"Maybe you're right. Our luck has been too good lately." She broke off meditatively. "You know, I think Colette suspects the same. She seems off. 'Course, it could just be that she's no longer an incessant stream of babbling."
"Yes, things certainly are quieter as of late." Lloyd's closest friend, Colette Brunel, has lost the ability to speak in order to complete the Journey of Regeneration.
"I don't know though. I mean, Raine worrying is one thing. But Colettes's never down in the mouth."
"I agree. The Chosen is always peculiarly optimistic." We observe a moment of silent thought. So many years I've spent numb, and now I find myself inexplicably dreading the dawn. I wish this had all stayed dead and buried, along with all my memories. I should never have returned to Iselia. Being in Lloyd's presence has trudged up a tumult of unwelcome recollections of that brief period beginning eighteen years ago. How like Anna he is!
I glance at the Mizuhoan girl before me; she is the polar opposite of Lloyd, of Anna. Her constant moody, clouded expression; her pessimistic view of the world; her quick jump to defense. She lacks the surefootedness of Lloyd brought about by his black-and-white world where the only option is to do good. Both desire to do good, to be good people, but she does not know quite how to go about it. If she hadn't such a temper, one might say she is rather like me.
Sheena's dark eyes hold pain behound her years, whereas Anna's son's barely touch the surface of negative emotions. His world is a steady one without betrayal, one of justice and love. One of which I will never be a part, by my own doing. I will never be more than a mercenary to him.
My heart skips a beat; how quickly I forget the plan! Tomorrow I will deal Lloyd perhaps the deepest blow he has ever felt, perhaps even deeper than the abandonment in his childhood, for tomorrow, I betray him and his friends. The Chosen's body will become a vessel for a woman who should by all rights be long dead by now… long as me, in fact. Colette will be lost inside. Lloyd's eyes, I will be the mercenary-turned-backstabber who must be sought out for revenge.
"He doesn't hate you, you know." My eyes snap from Lloyd to Sheena, who is still in front of me, leaning against the fence. She, too, slides her gaze away from Lloyd, until it meets mine. "It just upsets him that you think so little of him."
I begin to force out a coherent response. "My opinion should be of no concern to – "
"It's not true though. You might speak harshly, but I've seen pride in your eyes when you look at him. You criticize and judge, as though he needs any more reason to feel unworthy beside you, but you're just covering the reality of things, aren't you?"
"These are bold words, indeed. It has been long since someone has spoken thus to me. You are very perceptive, Summoner, perhaps too much so for one woman."
Sheena nods, the expression of her face unaltered. A look of sudden understanding. "The look in your eyes you hide when you think we're watching… it's almost like you've found your long-lost son…
"But that's just one woman, right?" Sheena grins at me. The arrival of Genis Sage eliminates the need for me to exclaim about the preposterous nature of that statement.
"Hey guys, the soup's done." The boy glances from me to Sheena and back again; perhaps he sees something in our faces and interprets it incorrectly, for he backs away and dashes back down the path to the shack. I can feel my forehead tight with creases; Sheena's face is placid for once.
"Shall we?" I ask. She walks to my side, and we begin to stroll back to Hima Inn. I know that by the time we reach it, Sheena's features will once more be pinched into an angry, defensive mask, and I will have once more collected myself into my emotionless semblance. At least I will have one small relief with the termination of this charade tomorrow, for these bold words will certainly come to no good.
x
I know I seem withdrawn to my companions. As the night draws nearer, thoughts of the past few months have filled my mind. The exchanges that passed between Lloyd and myself stand out most clearly. I never gave any more interest than that of a man giving advice to a younger counterpart, did I? I've been so careful to avoid any bonding. I've acknowledged to myself that he has become a good man, but when did I ever suggest that to anyone else?
I pace the floor restlessly. How could Sheena have guessed at my most deadly secret?
I halt suddenly, one foot still raised to continue my traversement of the inn's small room. What if... what if... I can not even think it. But I must confront this problem. What if Sheena told Lloyd? What if he thought... but no, it cannot be!
"I am going out for some air," I tell the room at large, but no one responds. I glance around, and see that the boys, Lloyd and Genis, have already fallen asleep. I shut the door quietly.
Noishe joins me, nuzzling my hand. I walk up the short path to reach the plateau's top, deep in thought. The dog leaves my side, and I sigh and sit down.
"Couldn't sleep?" I jump to my feet and have my sword drawn in half a second at the voice. I turn to see it is only Sheena, sitting with her legs crossed off to my left. "Damn, you're fast," she says, not moving.
I sheath my sword with another sigh. "I have to be, to live my life." I walk over and sit beside her. "Have you been up here long?"
"No, Raine just only fell asleep a few minutes ago; I came up right after that. I couldn't sleep."
"Nor could I." Noishe lays down at my feet, and a silence falls over the mountain. No animal sounds disturb the black night. Sheena strokes Noishe with sad eyes.
Eventually, Sheena speaks. "I was right, wasn't I? You're Lloyd's real father." She takes my silence as an affirmation, for I do not bother trying to deny it. "I won't say anything. I just have one question."
I nod slowly.
"Why did you leave him with Dirk?" Everyone knows that Lloyd was raised by the dwarf, who found him beside his dying mother. They know that his father killed his mother. So why not ask why I killed her?
"I was broken, numb. I could not raise a child. What if I let something happen to him to? He was better off with the dwarf." As I say the words aloud for the first time, I realize how cowardly they sound. "It was my fault his mother died. I killed her! It wasn't safe to keep him, it was irresponsible!" I sound like I am pleading for someone, anyone, to understand me, pleading to be forgiven.
"I understand," she says, surprising me. "To yourself, your mistakes make you who you are. People might brush them off, but you cannot. They live with you, consume you." I realize she is not just speaking of me, but of herself as well. "Your actions alone are what make you or break you."
"Look at us," I say. "Two broken people who belong in another life, who messed up too badly to fix things. Sitting here with a dog so old he should be dead." I guess that goes for me, too. Four thousand years is a bit too long to be alive.
"Yeah. I guess we're quite a bit alike, aren't we?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"Yeah, I guess we are."