Over the next month after that terrible night, I grew to know intimately the meaning of the phrase "a living hell."

More than once I contemplated suicide, which was vehemently objected to by the pack, to the point of Sam banning me from even thinking about it. Sam had actually been much too kind about it all; more than once he'd forced the guys (and Leah) out of their alternate forms to give me privacy.

It was an oddly sunny fall day that she came. I was lying in my little pool of self-pity in a dark, enclosed space in the forest I'd come to like, trying to clear my mind and sleep, which I hadn't been doing so well. Brady and Collin weren't helping—only a few meters away, they were chatting busily about girls and school and other things I didn't care about. Finally, I couldn't take it.

Would you go away?

For a moment their thoughts were very quiet; scared. Then Collin tentatively replied, Sorry, Jake. Um…you wanna go for a run?

I growled, wondering at their idiocy.

Our idiocy? Brady questioned. I think you mean his.

Hey! objected Collin, shoving Brady roughly.

Enough! I snarled, rising to my feet to tower over them.

That was when I caught her scent.

Leech, Brady and Collin growled together. Sam broke in then, coming out of his doze.

Jacob! Recognize the scent?

No…I gasped, though Sam got the true answer from my underlying thoughts.

Yes, I knew that scent. I knew it because I'd pined to have it in my nostrils for weeks. I'd yearned to touch the soft skin that accompanied it. But even in my nightmares, it had never been as terribly marred as it was now.

Shit, Sam swore quietly. After a moment of quick thoughts, he slowed it down to conversation speed.

Jacob, are you…?

I wasn't sure if he could catch up with my thoughts, they were speeding by so fast. Bella, Bella, vampire Bella. Did I want to see Bella? Yes, I needed to see Bella. But as a leech? No. What if she wanted to see me? Of course she wanted to see me, why else would she be here? But what if I wanted to kill her? Switch first? But what if she or her vamp wanted to kill me? I could always switch back….

And so on until Sam finally cut in, demanding, Jacob, are you leaving or staying?

I swallowed. Staying, I finally replied. Which form do you think?

Sam scoffed.Well, you're going to want to be able to talk to her, won't you?

I sighed. Maybe I didn't. But I saw his point.

Jake, I'm coming up there, Sam said. Just in case.

Nothing's gonna happen.

You can't be sure. Sam said that with a touch of a sigh in his voice. Brady, Collin, stay back until I say otherwise.

They grudgingly agreed. Taking a deep breath and hoping the pain didn't hit me too hard when I changed, I slipped smoothly back into Jacob Black. I gasped and curled over as a fresh wave of fully human hurt swept over me. The smell of her had awakened so many better-forgotten memories, so many things I longed for so much.

Cautiously, no slower or faster than absolutely necessary, I picked my through the green forest, following the scent I both loathed and loved so much. I stopped in a spot clear of trees, though it was still very dark. For a moment I couldn't see her—but then she was there, and I couldn't breathe.

She was predictably pale, but it still surprised me just how pale; her skin was no longer ivory—now it was whiter than new fallen snow, as white as someone who had been dead for weeks. Which, I suppose, was appropriate. Her skin was clear of any blemishes that might have spotted it before; a perfect expanse of marble. Her shining brown hair seemed longer, tumbling halfway down her back. She stood tall, straight, and stiff, nothing at all like the shy Bella I'd come to know and love. Her face was infuriatingly calm and composed; evidently Edward had been teaching her how to piss off a werewolf.

I looked her straight in the eye, now the predictable Cullen family gold.

"Jacob," she whispered, and her voice was not shaking with held-back tears, or hoarse with emotion. It was sad but perfectly smooth, anything more than a trace of emotion tucked safely away from where any scary wolves could get at it.

I did not reply.

"Jacob," she breathed, "Jacob, I'm sorry. Sorry for coming here and sorry for leaving. I just had to make sure you were…alive."

I snorted and muttered, "Only barely."

She still heard it and winced slightly, her mask still not quite perfect.

"Would you try to look past the smell, Jake?" Why did she have to keep saying my name? "Besides that, we're just Bella and Jacob. We're still us."

"No, Bella," I growled, the words low and fast. "We're not 'just us'. I haven't been just Jacob Black since the first time I changed. And you—I can barely classify you as a person anymore."

Bella's eyes tightened the tiniest bit.

"Well, you're still you. Still absolutely in love with me, even now. That was always your defining feature, wasn't it, Jake?"

My nostrils flared. So the leeches had taught her to be cruel, too.

"Oh yeah, Bella?" I hissed. "Then what's yours?"

At this she actually smiled slightly, showing bright white teeth.

"You really want to know?"

I didn't quite under her answer. "Yes?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"I don't mean to sound vain, but did you ever noticed that, regardless of species, people—well, males—were always kind of fascinated with me? Well, now"—she looked up and grinned—"I can make them fascinated with me."

I tried to swallow the bile that was itching up my throat. My disgusted horror must have shown, because she laughed. The sound was no longer warm and soft, but light and metallic, like shattering glass.

"No, Jake. Not like that. Just…I can kind of, you know, hypnotize them, for a short period of time." When I didn't reply, she continued, "I'm not sure if it works on werewolves yet. All I've been trying to do is help you keep calm, so I don't if it's me or just your self control."

I looked at her for a moment, then asked very softly, "Bella, why did you come here?"

For a moment the mask cracked down the middle, showing sorrow and anxiety; then she composed her face, but wasn't able to hide the emotion in her voice.

"I missed you, Jake," she whispered, and her lip trembled, though as far as I knew bloodsuckers couldn't cry.

Then she was right in front of me, clenching my hand tight in hers. I leaned away, wrinkling my nose and concentrating on stopping the trickle of heat down my back.

"It's not that bad, is it, Jake?" she whispered, looking up at me earnestly. "Just this—holding hands—it's not that hard. All you have to do is squeeze back, Jake. If I can do it"—

"It's easier for you, Bells," I joked weakly. "You don't have to breathe."

She laughed again and put an arm around me, pretending not to notice when I stiffened. Her very touch repulsed me, but her smell, under all the sweetness, awoke so many memories I'd fought to keep down. I hated her being so close, but at the same time, didn't want her to let go.

After a painful moment, I swallowed down indecision and instinct, and lightly kissed the top of her head, trying not to breathe. I distinctly felt her jerk back, and chuckled grimly.

"See?" I murmured. "Not so easy."

She sighed and relaxed against me again.

"Sorry."

For a moment we were both silent, trying to remember how nice this used to feel. There was still something that made me never want to let her go, but the cruel fact was, our skin itched wherever it touched, hating the contrast of ice against fire. The sweet stink of her burned in my nose, and hard as I tried, I couldn't stop calculations running through my head, judging what her new leech strengths and weaknesses might be. Finally, she stepped away.

"The night Edward changed me," she said softly, "I thought I heard a wolf howling." She looked back up at me as I winced. "You were there, weren't you?"

I couldn't meet her eyes. "You were screaming…so loud. I had nightmares for weeks."

Now she winced.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It was your decision."

"Which is making you miserable."
"Not your problem."

She put her hand on my face, lightly enough that our skin was barely touching.

"Should I come back? I'd like to talk to you more, but I think I should go now."

I raised an eyebrow. "Eddie dear calling?"

"No," she replied evenly. "Just my self-control waning."

I nodded, holding back a grim smile. "Alright, then. But we'll have to figure out where. Sam's trying not to make trouble, but…Are any of the Cullens here?" I said the name instead of 'leeches' especially for her. Then I realized that she was a Cullen now; I quickly amended, "Besides you, I mean."

She gave a small smile. "Only Edward."

I nodded, swallowing down the insults that wanted to spill from my mouth. I'd thought I'd smelled him.

"Should we meet on our side of the line?" she asked.

"It won't make a difference, really. Treaty's been broken. Might be good to be as far away as possible from Paul, though."

She smiled again, wryly.

"The forest by Edward's old house, then? Sam's welcome to come if wants."

She nodded towards the thicker trees; a low bark of greeting rose out from them.

"Will Edward be coming?" I restrained myself from letting more than a trace of a sneer into my voice. Still, her eyes narrowed.

"Only to make sure I keep calm."

I bit my lip to keep down any stupid retorts, and forced myself to nod. She looked down, thinking.

"Alright, then. Tomorrow at noon?"

"Fine with me."

She looked up and smiled a little sadly.

"I really do miss you, Jacob. Just..." She gave a little chuckle. "Sometimes a stupid junkie wants their hit more than air or the sun, right?"

Even now, Bella could make me smile. Maybe it took a bit more effort, but still.

I took her hand and squeezed it briefly, letting go quickly.

"See you, Bells."

For a moment it looked like she was going to cry; then the mask came back, like a good predictable bloodsucker.

"Bye for now, Jake."

And then I was alone.