A/N: Thank you so much for taking time for the reviews vinzgirl, Xiomi1980, Tangler and guests!

This chapter is AU except borrowing a part of the bridge scene.

"When you're depressed you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. I wish people would understand this." - Unknown

12:05 a.m. November 18th:

Jack stayed at the airport long after Kate sped off. He leaned against his car, watching plane after plane ascend into the night sky. He wished he was aboard one taking him back to the island. It's what he had to do. Or was it?

His resolve was weakening.

Jack felt empty after Kate's departure. Despite the conflict, just being in her presence made him start to feel connected and temporarily chased away the demons tearing him apart. Tonight, it was just long enough to percolate memories of what they had and thoughts of what they planned for their future together.

Her departure left him in a tailspin.

Deep down, Jack knew he needed to stop drinking and taking Oxycodone. He didn't. He couldn't handle the onset of anxiety and hallucinations a few months ago. It triggered him to ask a colleague for his first prescription of Clonazepam.

It was all downhill from there as he graduated to stronger drugs. He was to the point where not taking them made him feel violently ill. He resorted to writing fake prescriptions using one of his father's old prescription pads at different pharmacies. Now he was stealing from the hospital medical cabinet, an all-time low.

He knew as a doctor there was a way to detox, but he needed the numbness the drug and alcohol combination gave him. It made him forgot about everything filling him with guilt and self-blame. He was haunted by the people he left behind. He promised every single one of them they would be rescued when they flocked around him at the radio tower. His half-sister, Claire, was among them. He didn't know she was family then.

When he left the freighter with Kate, Aaron, Sun, Sayid, Hurley, Desmond and Frank, the helicopter ran out of gas and the island disappeared. He felt responsible. It was his choice to call to the freighter. He didn't believe they were working for Widmore with zero intent of rescuing them. For once, Ben told the truth.

Jin and other people died when the freighter exploded. He almost died along with Kate, Aaron and his friends. It was his fault, the same as The Lie. He insisted on it when Penny's boat, The Searcher, miraculously found their raft in the middle of the Pacific. During it's approach, he told the other survivors they had to lie and he would do the talking.

He ruined everything with Kate and couldn't bring himself to see Aaron, Claire's biological son, out of guilt after the big fight. He loved Kate like no other woman in his life. There were nobody else for him. She was the one yet he went on to do and say things he couldn't take back.

He wanted and needed her to survive like oxygen and water but felt like he wasn't worthy. He believed he damaged the relationship beyond repair. It felt like a piece of his soul was missing without her.

He ruined his career he worked so hard to achieve and maintain. He was living up to everything his Dad told him when he was younger. Jack really didn't have what it takes. He had failed everyone he cared about.

Now Locke, the man who turned his head last week, was dead. The brevity of the obituary and lack of stated cause made him suspect suicide.

Seeing how upset Kate was, the pain he caused her and her firm refusal to go back to the island caused something inside to break. He was unanchored and drifting. He didn't pick up the phone to call her repeatedly.

Instead, he assessed the wreckage of his life as the planes flew off into the distance. He periodically wiped stream of tears from his face.

He meant it when he told Kate he prayed the plane would crash when he flew every Friday over the Pacific Ocean.

What he didn't say is he didn't care if he lived or died.

Jack sat a long time dwelling on these things and what to do. He made a final decision. He slowly got in his car after deciding to head to the hospital to get more pills.

Just one more fix.

Jack drove around aimlessly before pulling into his old parking space at St. Sebastian Hospital. It was the night shift. He suspected it would be relatively quiet on the surgery ward. He still had his keys including the ones that unlocked the medicine room and cabinet that held Oxycodone and other controlled substance drugs. He planned to slip and out of the building once he pocketed what he was after. If anyone asked him what he was doing, he would say he needed something from his old office.

At least, that was the plan.

What he didn't plan on was running into his life-long friend, Marc Silverman. Marc was one of the attending physicians for the ER on the first floor. He was still in his office doing paperwork after multiple GSW patients arrived early in the evening. He saw Jack pass by and called him in, asking him what he was doing there so late.

Jack was caught off-guard. He and Marc had been friends since grade school. He had distanced himself over the past few months concurrent with the substance abuse to hide it. He was obligated to stop and talk to him, but planned a quick get-away to acquire what his body craved.

"Hey." Jack said when Marc waved him over to his office door. Marc stood up from his desk to shake Jack's hand.

"Jack, hey! Come on in, buddy. I could use a break from all of this." He gestured to the charts piled up on his desk. "You up for some coffee?" Marc's eyes assessed his friend kindly as he spoke. He could see the signs. Marc already suspected strongly Jack's addiction issues had worsened. He hated seeing his friend like this.

Jack was a brother to him. He knew the Shephard family all too well. He saw firsthand how hard Christian was on Jack from an early age. He never thought he'd see the day Jack Shephard would end up in worse shape than his old man.

"No, thanks. I'm okay. I couldn't sleep." Jack looked at him and then down the hall. "I just thought I'd come by..." He couldn't finish the sentence and gestured down the hall instead. He knew Marc would see through his bullshit lie. He dropped his gaze.

"What's going?" Marc clasped Jack's shoulder firmly.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What happened tonight? Why can't you sleep?" Marc guided Jack into his office slowly. Before Jack knew it, he was seated in one of the two consultation chairs next to Marc in front of the desk.

"It's just..." Jack looked up. His hands trembled. "Kate. I saw her tonight. I mean, she finally agreed to meet with me." His eyes welled up. He couldn't talk about Locke or the island with Marc. This was why The fucking Lie made him sick. He couldn't tell anyone about this shit. Except Kate. He used to be able to talk to her when he would allow himself to open up.

Jack tried so hard to be strong for everyone around him. It was an old habit that caused years of emotional garbage to pile up. He didn't think of it like that. He thought it was a strength to hold things in and what men do. Instead, it ate away at him emotionally and was part of the reason he blew up, spewing vile things when angry.

"And?" Marc pushed him. It was hard to get Jack to talk about anything the few times he came across him. Not long ago, Jack was doing consultations and surgeries. Now he was coasting down a slippery slope with depression and addiction. He was worried about him.

"She's fine." Jack sniffed a little. "Well, not fine. We talked at that runway ... at LAX." Jack looked at the floor while he spoke, then tilted his head up at his old friend, opening up emotionally a tiny crack. "I really messed up, Marc. Everything. I've ruined everything." His eyes were wet.

Marc leaned over and patted him on the back a few times. "She loves you, man. You didn't ruin anything. You can turn this around, Jack. You can come back to work. You just need to make that choice and for God's sake, let's get you some help!" Marc's eyes pleaded with his oldest friend.

Jack was at the top of his game, one of the best and brightest surgeons at St. Sebastian's and in LA for that matter before the Oceanic crash. Jack was renowned among spinal surgeons and published in medical journals. He used to have the drive and determination to go even farther if he wanted. He probably would have been Chief of Surgery if the crash didn't occur.

Marc wondered what it would take to turn the light bulb on in Jack's head.

Marc didn't want to steer him back to work because his friend was a hell of a surgeon. It was because Jack truly enjoyed helping and restoring people when he could, giving them better quality lives. A lot of Jack's self-esteem used to be wrapped around his career and performance. For a long time, it's all Jack had aside from the failed marriage to Sarah. Marc was against the union from the start for many reasons. But Kate was different. He knew she was the one for him and was completely baffled when it fell apart.

Jack looked over at his friend but didn't meet his eyes. He smiled sadly. "I think it's too late to turn it around at this point, Marc. Thanks anyways." He stood up and reached out his hand to Marc to shake it. Marc was puzzled why Jack was leaving so soon but didn't want him wandering around the hospital.

"I'm going to walk you to your car," he said firmly. "Think about it, Jack. You have friends like me. You still have Kate, no matter what you believe. You're not alone."

His words fell on deaf ears. Jack only heard him say he was going to walk him to the car. That would squash any attempt to get more Oxycodone. Something inside Jack rolled over and gave up. He looked at Marc and sighed before hugging him. It startled Marc. Jack quickly stepped back afterwards. He kept eye contact with his oldest friend. "Thanks, Marc, for everything." Jack was choked up.

Marc frowned, more concerned now. He asked Jack if he was depressed and needed anything.

Jack insisted he was fine and was heading home.

Marc still walked him to his vehicle in the parking lot and watched him drive off. His arms were crossed. Something wasn't right. Jack was with Kate last. She was also listed as his emergency contact at the hospital. He decided to call her immediately to talk about the interaction and his concern.

Marc hurried back to his office. When Jack hugged him, it wasn't just a friendly hug. He felt like Jack was saying more than goodbye to him when he got into his old Bronco. Now Marc wondered if he would ever see his friend again.

He picked up the phone and dialed the only person Jack would talk to, his lifeline, Kate Austen.

It was almost 1:20 a.m. Kate rolled over in bed and picked up her phone, thinking it was another call from Jack. She had just gone to sleep a few hours prior, wrung out and exhausted after crying and was sick to boot. She threw up twice, once on the side of the road when she pulled over and again at home. Veronica sent her off to bed after a dose Pepto Bismol. A large bowl sat on Kate's night table in case she was sick again.

When she saw St. Sebastian's Hospital on her caller ID, her heart skipped a beat. Jack! She felt a cold chill run through her, the feeling her Dad described as "a goose walking over your grave." She had felt it when Jack was trapped in the cave-in across the island. It wasn't coincidence then. Something was definitely wrong.

It was Marc, Jack's friend. He apologized for waking her but said he was worried about Jack. He briefly told her about the conversation. He asked if she had any insight since she just talked to him.

Kate knew Marc well and liked him. He was one of Jack's best friends. Kate was honest and quickly gave him a recap about her concerns about his addiction, obsessive behavior and the non-stop calls. She didn't say anything about the island conversation, only that their talk didn't end well.

"I'm worried about him, Kate. Something's off. It's like he's given up or something. I've never seen him like this. He thinks he's ruined everything in his life, especially with you." She didn't respond immediately. He tapped a pen absentmindedly on a chart as he talked. "Any chance you might know where he'd go if he's not home? He said he was headed there. I tried calling his condo and cell a few times, but he didn't answer."

Kate bit her lip, holding back her feelings while listening to Marc. She was wide awake. Fear washed over her. She hesitated then asked, "You don't think he'd try anything, Marc?"

"I don't know, Kate. I need your help, just in case. Is there any place he might head to this time of night, even just to think? He said you were at the LAX airstrip with him. I had security check the gate. He's not there. I also had a colleague that lives in the same complex check his place and the parking lot for the Bronco. It hasn't shown up yet."

Kate thought a few moments. "The park by Colorado Street Bridge. He likes to go to one of the two parks. Defender's Park is on the east side. It's closer to his place. He used to go there to think, day or night, even if it was just to sit in his car." She yawned involuntarily, covering her mouth. "I'll go by and check both."

"Thanks. Will you call me after you check or if you find him? Call my cell if you can't reach me. I'm stuck here for a while or I'd run out myself. Hopefully it's a false alarm but I thought you'd want to know."

Kate told him in a previous conversation she felt helpless when she confidentially asked his advice on how to help Jack. Marc didn't want to drag her back into the mess, but he knew Kate well enough to realize she'd be pissed at him if he didn't.

"No, thanks. I'm glad you did. Let me check out the parks and I'll call you." Kate said goodbye and hung up, then stretched. Her body protested, exhausted. She shivered and felt weak.

She dragged herself out of bed, put some comfy, stretch exercise pants on, a tank top and matching jacket. Veronica was asleep, same as Aaron. She wrote a quick note and left it under Veronica's door before heading out the door with her keys and purse.

Kate was uneasy. She didn't think about the earlier conversation or anything prior to that. She was living in the moment and determined to find Jack. Kate prayed that he was okay and just star gazing or looking at the night view of the bridge expanse while thinking. She pulled quickly out of her driveway and sped off.

1:50 a.m. November 18th:

Jack sat in his Ford Bronco. The engine was turned off. He had stopped in the middle of Colorado Bridge. It was empty and beautiful this time of night. The bridge was built in 1912 and was a historic landmark. The lights were old-fashioned with round globes lighting the entire span. It had beautiful arches and during the day had a picturesque view of the San Gabriel Hills. Jack used to love seeing it lit up at night.

He sat quietly and then picked up his phone to make one call, the only one that mattered. Jack was at the end of his rope and reaching out one last time to her, his head pressed against the top of his steering wheel. It went to voicemail.

"Hey. It's me. I, uh..." He took a tired breath. Tears starting to fall. "I just wanted to..." He closed his eyes, tears coursing down his cheeks, his expression despondent. He hung up by closing his clamshell model cell phone. He just wanted to hear her voice one more time.

Jack looked up and outside of the car, breathing slowly. His cheeks were still wet as a few final tears fell. One car passed him going the other way on the narrow bridge. It had two lanes per side with only a thick, yellow line dividing the opposite sides versus concrete barriers on modern bridges.

Jack waited until the car finally passed. He had parked between lamp posts and was partially hidden in the dark. His movements were slow but committed.

He was bereft of all hope.

Jack's self-hate, isolation and substance abuse had brought him to the very bottom. Seeing the pain and tears on Kate's face just confirmed the amount damage and ruin he caused. He was in pain and lost everything that meant anything. He screwed up his life and it was all his fault.

He saw no purpose in living anymore. He was tired of going through the motions of being alive. He was tired of living a lie. He had nothing left to keep him going, to live for.

His mind, still under the influence of opioids, distorted his thinking. It amplified his depression told him drastic lies he viewed as the truth. It made him believe all the strings that had tied him to this life, even Kate, were severed. In his numb state, he couldn't feel them.

He couldn't take it anymore.

He wanted it all to end.

Jack walked to the concrete rail and climbed it without hesitation. He was unsteady at first due to the lack of grip on his shoes, then stood up straight. He stared briefly at the concrete 150 feet below him. He knew it would do the job. That's why it was nicknamed "Suicide Bridge."

Jack looked down, then up at the starlit sky. He didn't want to delay the inevitable. He tilted his head back, shut his eyes and whispered, "Please forgive me." He opened them. His brown eyes, colored black in the night were full of torment as he coiled his muscles to jump.

Tires squealed behind him followed by the horrific sound of two cars colliding and glass shattering. Jack turned his head to look. It took a few seconds to register what was happened. He frowned before his face filled with fright. He couldn't believe what he saw.

He jumped off the railing onto the concrete sidewalk and ran frantically towards the accident as if his life depended on it.

Kate's heart hammered. She was wide awake and muttering to herself. "Jack, please, where are you? Jack, please. Please be okay! Please!" More tears fell in desperation. Her eyes burned and chest ached.

She couldn't lose him. Part of her would die if anything happened to Jack. Her thoughts raced, thinking of Jack putting his life on the line to save her and Sawyer from Hydra Island, not knowing if he'd be killed in retribution. Jack kept her secret from the other survivors about being a fugitive. He picked her up after she was shot by the Others with a stun dart. He found and fixed her when she had been knocked out by Charlotte from Widmore's team. He refused to let her go find Jin on the freighter, saying he wouldn't leave without her and saved her life.

All the memories she had been repressing about the island came bubbling up, but not the bad things. They were thoughts about the sacrifices Jack made and things he did for her over and over.

Nothing else mattered anymore except getting Jack back.

Kate was still sick but desperation had flooded her with adrenaline. If he was suicidal, she would have him committed to an involuntary 72-hour psych hold at the hospital. She was willing to call the authorities if he refused to go. It was something he might hate her for, but she wasn't going to let him die. She couldn't bear the thought of losing him forever.

She checked her cell while driving and cursed. The battery was dead. Her phone charger was in the back of the car. She was too scared to stop and find it. She had an overwhelming sense of urgency. It would be faster just to drive. She was almost there.

Kate quickly made her way to the east side of the Colorado Bridge. She drove through the west side park but it was empty. There was no traffic ahead. The speed limit was 35 but she was pushing 50 until she saw him. She slammed her brakes hard, her car stopping at an angle in her lane. He was standing on the railing looking up, his back to her.

She panicked.

Kate's car was in the opposite lane. She moved quickly to unbuckle herself but was suddenly blinded by the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. She didn't have time to react. It was swerving and headed directly towards the front of her car at high speed.

It was the last image her brain captured before she plummeted into complete darkness.