Goodbyes~
"My body has been your sanctuary…"
She's made an uncertain decision.
While other choices she's made, because she thought they were the right ones. Her small glimmers of hope to keep her moving forward without looking back. Without wondering what would have been and what could have been.
It never works.
She always wonders. She's afraid to be alone. Her mind wanders without the distractions others give her. Allowing her traitorous imagination to haunt her with different scenarios, possible conclusions to the other options life has given her. Her dreams are the worst though, lost in its whispering grasp she's allowed to believe that she's actually happy.
Only to awake, ill, and remorseful and full of sorrow.
"Our heart has been your tomb…"
Hindsight is the best sight someone once told her. She wants to agree but tends to disagree. Hindsight has given her nothing. She doesn't want to think of what could have been, she wants to look forward to what can be.
However, her heart won't let her. And her mind in its rational, strives so very hard to keep the balance. Trying to push her emotions to the side and give her heart a moment to heal, while striving to tell her, that logically, she's having withdrawals. That the pain she feels now will fade and she will be able to feel again. The lack of companionship, of love, is fleeting and life will move on.
Even with the knowledge and the understanding, she is still afraid that the sorrow will never go away. That everything she sacrificed was for nothing. As if she was nothing more than a misty phantasm intruding in a life she wasn't welcome in.
It's that thought, which scares her the most.
"He has been our grief; she has been our joy…"
She has made her choice. Though now she feels emotionally raped and lost within her own jumbled emotions, she still feels its for the best. She does wish she could be selfish, and for once ask for the things she wants. However, she's found when compassion is granted first to others, she finds peace in any choice she makes.
Without sorrow, one wouldn't know and crave happiness. Her heart does ache because she does know the sorrow she's caused others. But she also understands that without it, they will never be as great as they can be. Its her own moment of selfishness that allows her to consider that their greatness and their happiness will be because of her. Its that thought that allows her heart to calm and her mind to relax; her sacrifice will bring the one she loves, happiness.
"I wish…"
She is afraid. Calm but afraid, and her mind conjures her happiest memories to relax her nervousness. And she wonders if this is what its like to die. Calm reflections, reliving happy memories in the effort to ease her anxiety. Nevertheless, her memories are bittersweet moments trapped within a mind made of virtual glass. And she can feel herself breaking a little more with each wispy musing.
Her fear evaporates into near tangible sadness as her heart cracks just a bit more. She's kept her eyes closed to the world around her because she never wanted to see the reality. And its time now for her to accept it.
Opening her eyes to gaze momentarily at those around her, her lips raise in a soft smile as blue connect with violet one final time. Her eyes desperately trying to convey everything as crystalline tears roll down reddened cheeks, "I'm so very sorry… forgive me."
"I wish…."