Sam sat in the back of the impala, allowing his mom to ride shotgun. Sam had hoped that spending a little time together would be good for the both Dean and their mom. Sam knew his brother was hurting. He understood where his hurt was coming from but he also understood his mom's need to go it alone for a little while.

Sam had been in his mom's shoes. At least to some degree. All those years ago, when Sam had left for Stanford, Sam had needed time away from his family. It didn't mean he didn't love them. Dean had been his hero growing up and he loved him more than anything and despite the strained relationship he had with his father, he loved him too. But he had needed to leave for his own sake. If he hadn't have left, Sam would have continued getting unhappier and unhappier and he had felt like he'd have ruined the relationship with his family forever if he hadn't have gotten out. He had felt guilty at the time but it was something he needed to do. Sometimes doing what's best for you is an act of necessity rather than an act of selfishness.

Sam had also struggled when he had returned from the cage, properly returned with his soul intact. He'd struggled to get back into the swing of things knowing there was a blank in his life from the past year or so, well longer for Sam in the cage but a year top side. Sam imagined that it must be even more difficult with the amount of years his mom had been gone and the amount that had changed on earth during that time. So he could empathize with his mom's situation and her need to have some space.

That's not to say it didn't hurt. Sam was just has hurt as Dean. Dean had, had four years with their mother before she died, of course four years was no where near enough time but he'd had four years with their mom and Sam had, had none. He was just a baby when she'd died. Sam had sometimes wondered which was worse; having no memories of your mother or having not enough memories of your mother. After a while he decided that neither were worse nor better. They both sucked.

Growing up not remembering the women who was practically an idolised figure in your family had been tough. Sam had always felt like there was a hole in his life. It also isolated him from the rest of his family. John and Dean had known Mary, albeit briefly and he had not. It created a sense of loneliness in Sam. A shared grief between Dean and their Dad which Sam didn't understand in the same way they did. Although Dean had treated Sam like he was his entire world, there had still somehow been a sort of divide. It was Dean and their Dad. And then it was Sam. He'd always felt different and despite the love he'd had from his big brother, he'd always felt alone. He used daydream about having his mom in his life. He used to imagine how different things would have been. He wondered if his father would be different, warmer and if he'd still feel alone if she hadn't have died.

Sam had dreamt a lot of what it would be like to have his mom back so when it happened, he was ecstatic. Not just for himself but also for Dean. He knew what Mary had meant for Dean. He knew that their mom coming back was the best thing that Dean could ever ask for. That's why he knew Dean was hurting so badly, even if he tried to push it away and bury it deep down inside, the true Dean Winchester signature move. To Dean it felt like he was being abandoned by someone else he loved, except it was worse this time because he'd been abandoned by the person who he'd put on a pedestal his whole life. Really, Mary could have never measured up to the idea that John created of her in the boys minds and it wasn't really fair to expect her too.

Sam had been devastated when Mary had left the bunker. He was hurt emotionally and physically from the torture he'd endured at the hands of Toni and despite Cas healing him, the physical and emotional memories don't go away that easily. Sam was used to phantom pain after being healed. It was hard for the mind to comprehend having injuries suddenly disappear like that. The pain he could handle but the emotional trauma of being kidnapped and tortured was harder to deal with especially when said torture involved drugs and spells which had altered his mind. Sam's mind was a little fragile right now and all he wanted to do was lean on his mom. The way he never got to as a child. But Sam and Dean were grown men, not children and Mary had every right to do things on her own for a little while.

Sam couldn't comprehend how difficult it must have been to one minute have two small children and the next, having your sons be grown men and not to mention your husband having died. So Sam put aside the pain, put aside the longing to hug his mom and never let go and instead, he did what he could to understand. To try and help Dean understand and to act like a buffer when things got intense between Dean and their mom. Sam figured that he owed Dean that much after he spent years acting as a buffer between John and him but mostly Sam just wanted the two people who meant the most to him to be happy. So he put aside his crap.

Secretly though, he was beyond thrilled when his mom had announced that she wanted to join them on a hunt. Although, he was also slightly confused at the u-turn. He wasn't blind to the tense atmosphere between Mary and Dean after he'd took the tip off from another hunter and it seemed different from Dean's usual routine of pushing away the people who had hurt him but he wasn't sure what was going on.

He decided to let it drop and be thankful for small mercies that they were heading out on a hunt together. Sam was willing to accept any time he could spend with him mom, no matter what it was doing.

"So what's the deal, Sammy?", questioned Dean, disrupting Sam's thought process.

"Well, bodies have been dropping like flies in a relatively small Canadian town called The Pas, population 5,513...well it was 5,513, 14 bodies have been found in the past week", told Sam, feeding back the information he been given over the phone.

"So? What makes this hunter friend of yours think its our kind of thing?", asked Dean sceptically.

"Well I imagine in a small town, 14 sudden deaths in 7 days isn't exactly usual", offered Mary.

"Yeah, it's definitely not normal. The police have written them off as suicides and it seems like they could be right. The first of the deaths seems like a regular suicide, it was a a guy mid 40's. His wife left him, lost his job and ended up jumping of a building. He left a note, wouldn't really seem like our kind of thing but the weird thing is after that, all of the vic's that followed were people who had witnessed the first suicide and all claimed to have seen a red cloud surrounding them at the scene of the first suicide. Police put it down to trauma but soon the witnesses who'd seen this red smoke started to die too, all appearing to be suicides", Sam informed, frowning as he recalled the information he'd been told.

"That definitely qualifies as weird, worth checking out", agreed Dean.

"So have you boys ever come across red smoke that makes people kill themselves?", Mary mused.

"No, this is new to us. We'll drive there, check into somewhere to set up and I'll get researching what could be causing this", replied Sam.

Sam, Dean and Mary checked into the first motel they could find once they'd hit The Pas. Almost instantly, Sam took out his laptop and began researching. Dean didn't want to sit on his thumbs whilst Sam nerded out and he knew his mom had been itching to question Sam about the whole Lucifer thing, he wasn't sure how Sam would react to their mom questioning him about pretty much the worst thing that ever happened to him and considering the things that had happened to them both, that was saying something but he figured he should give them both some space whilst they talked it out. Plus Dean was still working through the current situation and he needed something to occupy his mind. With that, he decided to head out and talk to some witnesses over the string of suicides that had hit this small town recently.

"Hey, I'm going to talk to some witnesses, figure out what's going on here...You two should stay here and research, talk, whatever", Dean said, trying and failing to sound casual. Mary looked at Dean knowingly and Sam stared at Dean, a little bemused but let it drop.

"Okay, call us if you find anything", replied Sam and with that Dean was out the door.

Sam continued tapping away on his beloved laptop.

"Do you want some food maybe? I have no idea how to work those things so I'm not much use for the researching but maybe I could cook us something up? Nothing too fancy", Mary laughed a little forcefully.

"Thanks mom, I'm not really hungry but I appreciate the offer...Are you okay? I couldn't help but notice the look between you and Dean before he left. Is everything okay between the two of you?"

"Dean and I are doing okay...It's just, back at the diner when you were taking that call I asked Dean about the things I heard back at Asa's wake. The stories the other hunters would tell about the both of you, and the thing the demon said about you and Lucifer. He didn't say much but he said that the stuff with Lucifer wasn't his story to tell. That it was yours and I think Dean was giving us chance to talk", admitted Mary cautiously.

At the mention of Lucifer, Sam's eyes dropped to the floor but not quick enough for Mary to miss the flood of emotions that passed. Mary was beginning to realise that Sam's eyes were a tell tale sign of what was going on in his head. She saw sadness, pain, anger, fear, shame and pretty much everything in between pass through them. Sam paused, as if he was figuring out what he should say. He finally decided on the truth.

"I don't know exactly what the other hunters were saying so I can't tell you how much of that is true or not but the thing about me being possessed by Lucifer is", confessed Sam, still avoiding eye contact with Mary.

Mary's heart shattered. Any hunter know's that being possessed is no party. Being aware of the horrible things that the thing possessing you was doing but having no power to stop them is awful. Losing the ability to be able to control your own body is a horrible feeling. She couldn't even imagine what being possessed by the number one big bad, Lucifer must have been like for her youngest. She looked at him with regret, regret that she hadn't been there to protect her baby.

"What happened?", the break in her voice, revealed the pain behind her question.

"It's okay mom, it was a long time ago and you don't have to feel bad for me, it was my fault that Lucifer was even roaming around in the first place and I had said yes to being possessed by him". Sam didn't want to recall to gory detail of the Lucifer saga to Mary. He couldn't stand the thought of his mom knowing about his past mistakes. If he saw the look of disgust or disappointment in her eyes, he didn't think he'd ever recover but he'd let too much slip now and he knew he had no choice but to be honest and besides that, he didn't want to lie to his mom. He was just starting to establish a relationship with Mary and he didn't want the foundation of their relationship to be built on lies. It had always been lies that had caused issues in Sam and Dean's relationship and Sam was trying to learn from his mistakes. Plus, part of him wanted to spill his guts to his mom and for her to tell him it was okay, that she still loved him. Sam had learnt to deal with his guilt some what through out the years and although he may have dealt with it, it didn't go away and part of Sam was desperate for his mom to ease some of that guilt. To have her acceptance. He didn't hold out much hope for that reaction from her but there was a tiny part of him that prayed she would.

"Years ago now, Dean died. I won't go into what happened to him, he let me be the one to tell you this so I won't tell his story for him either but I was pretty messed up after he died. I did everything I could to try and get him back but nothing came through and I was alone. There was a demon called Ruby who had helped Dean and I from time to time, she said she was on our side and she sure came through for us a time or two. Anyway, she came to me after Dean died and she picked me up, she saved my life. At least I thought she did but in reality she was manipulating me. She told me that she knew a way that I could kill Lilith, who was the thing that took Dean away, whilst also learning how to get rid of demons without killing the vessel it was possessing. I'd already had some psychic abilities because of the demon blood that the yellow eyed demon bled into my mouth when I was a baby. She told me that I could develop these abilities further and help more people. Truthfully, I think part of it was just that I liked having someone else around. Anyway she said to get stronger, I needed to drink demon blood and I did. Then Dean came back and he warned me not to trust her before he even knew about the demon blood thing. At the same time, the demon that killed Dean was also trying to break the 66 seals that would release Lucifer from his cage. I thought that if I killed her, I'd stop that from happening so despite Dean warning me not too, I carried on downing the demon blood until I was addicted to it. Dean locked me up and I almost died detoxing but I got out and went on to kill the demon. Turns out Ruby had been manipulating me like Dean had said and me killing Lilith was the final seal that would set Lucifer free. And I did. I let Lucifer out of his cage, jump starting the apocalypse and almost destroying my relationship with Dean. Dean and I tried to find a way to stop the apocalypse but we had both demons and angels against us. Michael, Lucifer's brother, wanted a showdown with him and which ever side won would have ended badly for earth. Top of all that, Dean was Michael's true vessel and I was Lucifer's. Anyway we couldn't find a way to kill Lucifer so I thought that if I said yes to Lucifer possessing me and take back control for even a little while, that we could use the four horsemen of the apocalypse's rings, which open Lucifer's cage, then I could jump in taking Lucifer with me which I did in the end", explained Sam rushing over his words. He didn't want to look at his mom's face and see her disappointment so he continued staring at his hands whilst he recited the story.

"So if you jumped in the cage...you went to hell? Dean made a passing comment about both of having gone through literal hell but I hadn't realised what he really meant", admitted Mary quietly, "what happened? How did you escape hell?"

Deciding there was no going back now, Sam continued.

"Cas brought me back not too long after I fell but he only managed to bring my vessel. My soul was left in the cage with Lucifer for over a year but Dean asked the horseman Death to retrieve my soul because without it I wasn't really me. I was cold and ruthless".

"Do you remember it? Going to hell?"

"I didn't at first. Cas and Death both said that the memories of being locked in the cage with Lucifer could kill me so Death put up a so called wall in my brain to block out the memories so at first, the last thing I could remember was jumping into the cage but eventually the wall came down and I remembered everything", explained Sam, stuttering slightly and subconsciously messaged his thumb into that old scar on his hand.

"But if the memories were supposed to kill you, how come your here?"

"It almost killed me, I started hallucinating the devil in my day to day life, memories leaked into the real world and I would see things that weren't really happening. Eventually I stopped sleeping all together, anytime I tried to sleep the devil would be there to stop me and eventually I got committed. Lack of sleep started to kill me and nothing worked to stop it but Dean came with Cas who tried to heal me but he couldn't so instead he transferred the stuff that was going on with me to himself. Turns out angels don't need sleep so it didn't kill him...I know I've kind of thrown all of this on you but I just wanted to be honest. Although now I've probably made you want to run and never come back. I wouldn't blame you. I've done some terrible things. Not long after that Dean went missing, I thought he was dead but he was in Purgatory. I didn't even look for him because I didn't trust myself. The last time Dean was gone, I ended up hooked on demon blood and nearly ended the world so I didn't even try. I've constantly let Dean down and caused a lot pain but I keep trying to do better, to make up for it. Not that, that erases all of my mistakes. I understand if after knowing all this, you want nothing to do with me. Hell, I would stay away from myself if that were possible but don't let it stop you from coming back home to Dean when you're ready to because he's a good person and you're all he's ever wanted".

Sam's confession was met with silence. He dared to look up at his mom and saw her looking away from him with tears lining her eyes.

"Sam... I need to go freshen up, okay" she said to Sam, rushing into the bathroom before the onslaught of emotion caught her.

Sam watched as his mom fled to the bathroom. He knew it was the right thing to tell Mary the truth and that doing so might make her hate him but it didn't make it hurt any less. What else could be really expect from her after what he'd just told her? Sam tried to fight back the pain and concentrate on his research whilst also hoping that he hadn't ruined things for Dean. Hadn't let his big brother down, yet again.

Meanwhile, Mary splashed water over her face and cursed herself for doing the wrong thing again. After the way Sam talked about himself, she had no doubt that Sam would take her departure as a sign that she thought badly of him but that simply wasn't true.

From the story Sam told, she got the picture of a man who'd been manipulated by darkness his entire life and although he'd tried to do the right thing, he'd ended up making a mistake that set Lucifer free. But Mary knew, as a hunter, that most hunters would have killed Lilith there and then too. She sure would have. She didn't see her baby as bad or judge him for the demon blood. He was just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. She knew he'd been manipulated by powerful forces and that, thanks to her, he'd never really stood a chance.

Whatever mistakes Sam may have made, he'd paid for ten fold by subjecting himself to hell and the will of the devil. Mary couldn't begin to imagine what Sam went through but she'd guess that Lucifer would have an infinite imagination when it came to torture. The thought brought an almost physical pain to Mary's stomach. Sam had saved the world at the expense of himself and continued paying for it with all the suffering that followed leaving the cage. No, she didn't blame Sam. Her son was brave and strong and despite all the challenges he'd faced, he'd managed to remain gentle and kind. Her son was a hero and she was proud.

So whatever reasons Sam may have thought Mary had for retreating to the bathroom, he was wrong. Truthfully, she felt responsible.

All of the stuff with the demon blood happened because of her deal with the yellow eyed demon and the events that followed were dominoed from that. She also felt great sadness. Sadness at the unimaginably suffering that her youngest had gone through. Sadness that she wasn't there to pick him up. Sadness that she wasn't there to support her eldest as he had to watch his little Sammy go through that too.

There was also a part of her that had no idea how to respond to Sam. He'd been honest and open with her but she couldn't find the words to make it all better. There were no words for that. When Sam was sixth months old, she could pick him up and sooth him and take away his tears but Sam was a man now and she had no idea how to comfort him or make him see his own goodness. Honestly, she was scared and she ran. She ran to the bathroom before she could even process what that meant for Sam. What Sam would think that meant. She was jolted from her inward berating by the sound of Dean coming through the door and knew that she'd have to make it up to Sam later. She braced herself and made her way into her boys.

Dean made his way back to the motel after talking to some of the witnesses. As soon as he walked into their room he knew that maybe Sam's chat with their mom maybe hadn't gone down so well. No matter how much Sam tried to maintain a neutral composure, Dean had come to know his brother inside out and as he looked at his brothers posture and eyes, he knew he was hurting but there was no time to discuss what had happened before Mary emerged from the bathroom looking flustered. Instead of addressing it with the pair of them in the room, Dean decided to stick to the case.

"Still researching, geek boy?" asked Dean, trying to lighten Sammy's mood.

"Pretty much done, how did talking to the witnesses go?"

"Didn't really get much info from them, what did you find out from the research?"

"Well I think we could be dealing with a Hongaek".

"A what-now?"

"It means red disaster in Korean...I had to dig pretty deep to find much out. The basic lore describes it as a red mist that infects people who have been affected by or witnessed a terrible incident such as a violent death, mass tragedy, suicides or anything horrible really. Those infected by the red mist are said to meet a similar ending to the one they witnessed. That was pretty much it but digging deeper, they have more lore on this in Korea but it doesn't seem that common in any other country but basically it's like a supernatural illness. My guess is that the first suicide was just a tragic, non supernatural occurrence but some of the people who witness the suicide became infected with Hongaek or red disaster and ended up committing suicide too. Only problem is, I can't find anything on what makes someone vulnerable to the mist. A lot of people witnessed the guys suicide but not every one saw the red mist...why does it only infect certain people?"

"Well this sounds like fun", Dean replied sarcastically, "So what's a Korean ghost infection doing in Canada? And did you find anything on how to stop this Supernatural bird flu?"

"I don't know how it got here Dean but apparently you have to start with patient 0. Perform a ritual over the body or bones of the person who originally died when the red mist appeared and it cures the people who were infected by it".

"Great, so what? We just go find the guys body, say the ritual and then were good to go? It's never usually that simple for us. Is it safe, is there a chance we could get infected?"

"Well the lore isn't exactly set it stone on this thing but it seems like it only infects people who witnessed the original suicide and we didn't so we should be okay".

"Should be? That fills me with so much confidence Sammy".

Mary who'd been watching her boys go back and forth with each other, finally chimed in, "So, should we go and find where the body is and get the ritual done? It's a smallish town, shouldn't be too hard to find his grave", asked Mary.

"Yeah, I've written down the ritual, we'll need to make a few pit stops to collect things for the ritual but we should be good to go", replied Sam avoiding Mary's eyes. A fact that Dean didn't fail to notice.

"All right then, let's go", agreed Dean.

He grabbed the impala keys and tried not too worry about his mom and brother and tried to concentrate on the hunt. It seemed simple enough but when were things ever simple for them. He couldn't place his finger on it but he had a bad feeling about this hunt but he pushed aside his concern and followed his mom and brother out the door.