o~O~o
My dorm room...
2:37am
o~O~o
Why did things always have to get so fucked up? Just a few hours ago I was a puddle of goo, looking for the closest exit so that I could jump Jesse's bones and now... well, it was all ruined. Once I was inside, I turned and watched Jesse walk away. I watched until I could no longer see him before pulling myself away from the door and going upstairs.
I walked slowly to my room. There was nothing in there that could possibly make me feel better. Kimmy Jin would be there waiting to stare at me until I was frozen solid. Why couldn't I have a normal roommate? You know... one with a heart that wasn't made of ice and stone.
I slipped my key in the door and walked in, surprised to see the Bellas huddled on my bed waiting for me. Poor girls got the icy stare down from Asian Elsa. There was a chorus of "Hey's" as I smirked and put my best badass face on.
"What up Shawshank?"
"Did you get yourself a bitch?"
"Did they spray you with a hose?" Amy asked. "Is your hair messed up because you and Jesse wrestled on the way home?" Cynthia Rose elbowed Amy for that one. So, I guess they both know now.
And sweet, strange Lilly gave me a knowing smile and whispered, "I did a turn at County."
"You guys waited up for me?" I asked the group.
"Of course we waited up for you. Had to make sure you were ok." Chloe chimed in as she scooted toward the edge of the bed.
"They've been here for hours. It's a real inconvenience Beca." Oh hello to you too Kimmy Jin. Now you understand how I feel, you miserable bitch.
Aubrey smiled, "Beca, I'm so glad you're here."
"Newsflash Aubrey... this is my room." I said as I stared her down. "Where else would I be?"
Amy leaned over and sang "Bow chicka wow wow!" in Cynthia Rose's ear. The two were cracking up at my expense.
"I'm calling an emergency Bella meeting." Aubrey announced as she stood at attention near Kimmy Jin's desk. I was half tempted to warn her about catching Asian cooties but I figured they were so alike anyway, there must have been some transference somewhere along the lines before now!
"Noooooo." Amy whined and then catching the look on Aubrey's face, flashed her a decent set of pearlies and muttered 'yeeessss' instead. Damn, Aubrey is fierce when she wants to be.
"First up? Our score sheet revealed that The Sockapellas almost beat us. Fat Amy, you need to do exactly how we rehearsed it… exactly! No surprises."
"We should be taking risks. It's not enough to be good, we need to put ourselves out there… be different." Oh wow, did I just say that outloud? I'm going to burn in the special kind of Hell.
"Beca's right. The Trebles never sing the same song twice." Wait, someone agreed with me! Cheers Cynthia Rose! I shall never mock your pink hair again, wait... what?
"The audience loved the Trebles. They tolerate us. We could change the face of a cappella… pshhh… Oh my God, that sounded so queerballs. What is happening to me?" I walked across the room to my desk. "Umm, let me show you this arrangement I've been working on…"
"I didn't know you were into this stuff." Chloe said as she looked over my shoulder at what I was doing. As always she stood that litttttle bit too close for comfort but I was kinda getting used to her now. She's actually really sweet.
"That's the point, none of you know. I'd be happy to work on mixes for the group."
"Beca…" Aubrey's voice was soft, she sounded tired but firm.
"Yeah…"
"I have the pitch pipe and I say we focus on the set list as planned."
"But Aubrey, this stuff is pretty cool." Chloe said as she pointed to all my music equipment.
"Look... Beca has caused enough distractions for one night. I have the pitch pipe and what I say goes. Got it?"
Every nodded. Not very happily, I might add.
"All I'm saying is that Beca has a point. Maybe we shou -"
Aubrey made the "zip it" gesture and Chloe cowered.
"Ok... rehearsal tomorrow. 8am… sharp!"
And that was it. Aubrey marched out the door followed by all of the Bellas. This was totally ridiculous. Why am I doing this? I'm beginning to think staying in college and biding my time would be better than this train wreck.
I slipped off the God-awful uniform and into one of Jesse's t-shirts. It still smelled like him. Why did I yell at him... why? I crawled into bed only to have my nasal passages invaded by more of Jesse's scent. The day before when he was here watching a movie, I took his LaCoste cologne and sprayed my pillows and sheets. Now, I was regretting that decision.
o~O~o
"I have to remind myself to breathe - almost to remind my heart to beat!"
~Emily Brontë - Wuthering Heights~
o~O~o
o~O~o
Semi-Finals
2 Weeks Later
o~O~o
I couldn't believe it. Luke was playing one of my mixes. I was so excited that I literally ran across campus in my Bella issued death traps… I mean heels. Those damn things are the fucking devil. I hate them but they didn't stop me from running today.
When I got to the station Luke was in the booth. I knocked on the glass to get his attention because 'freshman aren't allowed in the booth'. He looked up and grinned. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. "This is my track! You're playing my song right now! This is so awesome! You like it?" Luke grinned, totally changing his face. Who knew the Brit knew how to smile. Nice teeth dude! He's got pretty eyes. Good arms too. Decent ass. Damn! Luke is cute. I don't know if it's that I haven't had sex in two weeks or if he really is cute but hot damn!
"It's a sick beat." Luke says as he walks past me and over to one of the shelves.
"Yeah, I always thought her beats were pretty sick." Shit! I hadn't noticed Jesse upstairs. Things have chilled out some between the two of us since my arrest. In his defense, I shouldn't have yelled at him. But damn it! He has the money, his dad is a Pediatric Oncologist at Johns Hopkins for crying out loud! He could more than afford to float me the bail money and I would have paid him back... one day. Oh well, that's all water under the bridge at this point.
"Becky, listen… Spring Break, I want you to take the night shift, play your music. The DJ at The Garage does a killer version of this, but yours… it's better."
"Yeah, it is!"
"I'm going to listen to her tonight. I think you should come with."
"I have a thing." I said honestly, hitching my bag back up on my shoulder. It was full of the crap that Aubrey made us carry around. Luke looked me up and down a couple of time. Oh, was he checking me out? Actually, by the curl on his lip, maybe not!
"Flight attendant training?"
"Yeah, it's a three year program. I get to plaster on a fake smile while learning how to distribute pretzels and wave goodbye." Luke rolled his eyes and I laughed at how stupid it sounded. Hmm, I caught sight of Jesse's legs coming down the stairs. Oh shit, he's got my favourite chino's of his on. Concentrate on Luke. Concentrate on Luke. Where was I? Oh yes..."No, I'm a Barden Bella. Tonight's the semi-finals."
"Really? I did not have you pegged as an a capella girl."
"That's because you don't know Becky like I do. And the Pawn takes down the King." Jesse muttered as he walked by, looking at me intently as he did. "See you tonight."
Where the fuck did he get off? He needed to take a chill pill... or get laid. Oohh, I just wanted to kiss him right then and there. Fuck! Now I need to get laid! It's been too damn long! Maybe with any luck and if I'm really sweet to him, we'll both get our wish. To the bus!
o~O~o
One hour later...
Barden Bella Bus
o~O~o
After a rigorous rehearsal, in full uniform, and a militant pep-talk, we all loaded into the bus for the hour long drive to Georgia State University. First stop... gas station to fuel up, or as Amy called it "Pump and Dump".
Amy went around to the gas pump and was about to perform her "Driver's Duties" when the Trebles drove by Bumper screamed "Sabotage!" and burritoed Amy. She began screaming "I've been shot! I've just been shot!" And for a second, when we all looked to the back of the bus, it did look like brain matter was splattered all over the back window. Is it wrong that all I could think of in that first three seconds was 'what a waste of a burrito!'
Cynthia Rose was the first to get off the bus followed closely by me and Lilly. As Lilly and I rounded the back of the bus, we saw Cynthia Rose had Amy on the ground, leaning right on in there and trying to give Amy mouth to mouth. That girl was crazy! She was dying to get some muff.
"I'm sitting up! There's no need for that. No mouth to mouth." Amy said as we all tried to help her up. "Ah shit! Bumper threw a big ass burrito at me."
"It's ok Amy." I told her as I tried to brush her off but I really hate getting my hands dirty so I just kinda flicked off a piece of tortilla to look like I was helping.
"I'm gonna kill him and then I'm going to pick my teeth with his bones!"
"Come on Amy get up. We have to clean your shirt and we don't have much time." Cynthia Rose said, offering Amy a hand.
Amy seemed quite content on the ground, looking down at her uniform she said, "Tell no one what you've seen today." as she took a bite of the burrito that was all over her shirt. "Damn! This is delicious."
I glanced up to see Lilly putting the gas pump back and making a face that only her mother could love.
Pretty soon we were on our way... again. The bus was quiet or maybe I thought it was quiet because I had my earbuds in and my music cranked up. There was a definite burrito smell in the bus and seeing as Amy had changed I wasn't quite sure if the piece that she'd ate earlier had worked it's way through her system. If anyone called her up on her bodily functions, she'd only called out 'Driver's Perks' and switch off the air conditioning so it was better just to ride the smell out.
When I looked up I noticed that Amy still had something behind her ear. I scooted forward in my seat as gently as I could but the Aca-Nazi's head snapped round to stare at me for breaking the rules of riding the bus in silence and harmony or something equally as dumb.
"You've got yourself a little somethin' there." I whispered in her ear.
"Leave it. It fuels my hate fire."
I laughed. Amy was something else, one of a kind for sure. I sat back down and put my earbuds back in. We still had a ways to go and I damn sure didn't want to get caught having a conversation with these aca-bitches.
As one song ended on my iPod and the next began, I could hear Chloe singing Miley Cyrus's 'Party in the USA'. Before long, everyone else on the bus was singing as well. Really guys? Miley Cyrus? Ugh!
I push my earbuds tighter into my ears and turn the volume up. 'Bootylicious' is so much better than what they're singing. Can't go wrong with Queen Bey and Destiny's Child. I just really have to watch myself otherwise I'll be up and dancing in the aisle like I'm part of the video.
And there goes one of my earbuds and suddenly Stacie is in my face waving her perfectly manicured fingernails in an attempt to get me to sing with them. And ok... I'll admit, I joined in, I was more or less forced to. No, I didn't have a gun to my head but nine sets of eyes staring holes into my skull was just as painful. Yes, nine! Amy eye's were off the road and looking at me through the mirror over her head and it was either sing up like a bitch or watch as she blindly aimed the bus into a ditch. Their lives were in my hands. Oh the fucking pressure!
As we finished singing, the bus started puttering along. I was sitting directly behind Amy and could see the dash. We were on fumes... in the middle of no where.
"Whoa…"
"What the hell?" Aubrey asked rather forcefully.
"Umm... It's pretty cool actually. I think we're just running out of gas." Amy confessed.
"No that can't be, you just filled the tank."
"Yeah, I did... and yet, maybe I didn't because I got hit by flying Mexican food." Amy turned the steering wheel and pulled the bus to the side of the road. "And… we're out."
"Aca-cuse me?"
"Aca-believe it. Man, what are we gonna do?"
"Maybe could call -" Chloe started to say but was cut off by Aubrey.
"No! Don't even say it Chloe. How dare you?"
"Actually, that is a really good idea." Amy said digging in her purse for her cell phone. "I've got Bumper's number."
"Why do you have Bumper's number?" Aubrey looked absolutely horrified. But ha, my suspicions about her and the leader of the Trebles was true!
"Ahh... umm... ehhh... ooo…"
"Well?" Aubrey barked and I immediately envisioned her as a Rottweiler that hadn't been out on a walk for three days.
"Nope. Totally wasn't me." Amy said, groping her chest in search of her phone in her cleavage purse.
"What wasn't?" Aubrey pressed and I so wanted to laugh. Like Aubrey was going to give up before she got the answer she wanted.
"Just so we are clear." Amy said, unbuckling her seatbelt, tucking it neatly over her shoulder and standing up. I honestly thought the big confession was about to come. "Just so that we are all clear... I didn't get out of pajamas all day today, well until it was time to get dressed in this get up."
I heard Lilly snort behind me.
"But..." Amy continued. "I did walk to fridge at least eight times."
"Amy, I...?" Aubrey blinked a couple of times. "How does-"
"It was a good cardio tip Aubrey."
"Oh, thanks. Glad you listened."
"And you have really pretty hair." Amy said, as she looked down at me and winked. Amy had just become my new favourite person ever! She totally got around the Aca Nosey Parker and changed the subject. I needed to befriend the nut job.
Anyway, you guessed it. We called the Trebles. Surprisingly enough, Jesse thawed out a bit toward me. I guess it was the whole damsels in distress vibe we had going on. As I got on the bus, he scooted over, patted the seat next to him and asked me to sit. I wasn't going to but, what the hell did I have to lose. You only live once, right? And Amy was sitting next to Bumper so what was the harm?
I caught some of their conversation but almost wish I hadn't. In their defence, they were talking quietly but several weeks of me listening out for any potential death threats from Lilly had trained me to have hawk ears. I didn't want to have to keep watching my back around her. I swear that comb she carries round twenty four seven is a communication device to the CIA or some obscure planet on the outer rim of space.
"Bumpy, do you wanna give me an Australian kiss?" Amy muttered in Bumpers general direction.
"Um, sure..." He asked, casting an eye towards the Trebles to see if anyone was listening. They weren't as they were all singing to the girls about sucking their balls. "What is it though?"
"Oh, it's like a French kiss." Amy explained. "But, it's down under."
This girl totally owned that moment!
Jesse leaned over and whispered, "Are we cool?"
"Yeah, can we talk about it later though?" I asked motioning toward Aubrey who was currently in deep conversation with Chloe.
"Sure. Your dorm or mine?"
"Mine. Kimmy Jin is have an Asian Ninja sleepover or something equally stupid."
"Ok." His eyes reduced me to a puddle instantly. "You look beautiful by the way."
"Thanks." I was sure that I was 50 shades of red at that very moment but at the same time, I was so glad that Jesse and I were going to talk later. I handed Jesse an earbud and hit play on my iPod. Ahh... thank God nothing mushy came on. Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise was perfect.
o~O~o
Later that evening...
Georgia State University
Performing Arts Center
o~O~o
We were all standing backstage gaping at The Footnotes. They were good. Amazing actually. This kid has got a serious set of pipes. Benji came around and told us we had five minutes until our performance; Stacie and Amy were freaking the fuck out, but I had a plan.
"Where did he come from?"
"It's over. There's no way we can beat The Footnotes and The Trebles." Amy announced.
"Aca-huddle... now!" Aubrey hissed. I wish she'd shut the fuck up with her over the top aca shit. I hated it. Why? Because I started saying it in my everyday speech too. Damn it if I didn't look like I was 'joining in' when I did. "The top two teams go to the finals. So we just have to beat one of them. If we do it exactly how we rehearsed it, then we will get there. Ok? Hands in."
I swear Stacie is a natural blonde. As if tensions weren't high enough already, she asked, "On three or after three?"
Somewhere in Antarctica, a polar ice cap just melted after the look Aubrey gave her.
"Screw it. Let's just do it."
We walked out on stage and Aubrey blew the pitch pipe. I looked out into the audience. These people couldn't care less that we're performing. Half are falling asleep and the other half is texting or looking up the YouTube video of Aubrey and the Attack of Pukegate.
This is it Beca. It's now or never. You wore your big girl panties today, just do it. And without another thought, I started singing LaRoux's 'Bulletproof'. Most of the girls weren't even phased but the shock was quite evident on Aubrey's face.
As soon as we were off stage and out of earshot of the ICCA Coordinators, Aubrey let me have it with both barrels.
"What the hell Beca? Were you trying to screw us up?"
"Are you serious?"
"Newsflash! This isn't the Beca show."
"Ok, I'm sorry I messed you up but in case you hadn't noticed, everyone pretty much dozed off during our set."
"It's not your job to decide what we do and when we do it. Why don't you ask the rest of the group how they felt about your little improvisation?"
When I looked at the rest of the girls, they were shuffling around nervously. Looking at their feet, around the room, at each other… anywhere but me. I settled on the one person who didn't mess around when it came to telling the truth. "Amy?"
"It was cool... but it did take us a little by surprise-"
"A lot by surprise!" Aubrey turned to Chloe. "I told you she wasn't a Bella."
"Aubrey don't -"
"No, that's ok. You don't have to pretend that you're allowed a say in the group, right?"
"Your attitude sucks, you're a Grade-A pain in my ass and I know you're hooking up with Jesse!"
"Whoa, whoa Aubrey... we're not hooking up. I swear." As soon as I heard his voice I turned around. I looked him right in the eyes as he denied what we had going. I was crushed. How could he do this to me right now? It was the perfect time for him to 'fess up' and show Aubrey how ridiculous she was being over the stupid oath. I was pretty sure half the Bellas were shacked up with Trebles anyway. Jesse continued to look me in the eye, denying that we had a good thing. I saw red. Burning, flaming red; forming like a mist in front of my eyes. I wanted away from him.
"Jesus Christ! That's perfect. Of course you're here right now. I don't need your help ok? Can you back off?" And there it was… my pain, anger and frustration over the situation written all over his face. He looked at me with eyes that held as much pain as mine own. I was pretty sure he'd never speak to me again. Had I read his intentions wrong? Had he really just been trying to save me from the wrath of Aubrey? Fuck it, I was so far past caring at this point.
"Trebles… it's time to bring the pain." Benji announced and I felt a pain in my chest like never before. I had to shift my tiny ass outta there before I started crying.
"If this is what I get for trying…" I couldn't even finish what I was going to say. I took off my Bella scarf and handed it Chloe and said, "... I'm done." She tried to grab my arm but I pulled away pretty quick and I turned my back on all of them, just as they had done to me minutes before and I walked away.
"You pull me in close
You throw me away
I keep coming back like a boomerang
You tell me to go
You beg me to stay
I keep coming back like a boomerang
Around around around back again
Around around around back again"
Benji started calling after me but I couldn't face him. He was too sweet to be tangled up in the hellacious mess. He didn't deserve it anymore than me and Jesse. I stormed out of the auditorium, kicking off my heels as I ran across the parking lot and onto the Treble bus. Thank goodness they never lock it, now that I think about it, that's probably why it smells of sex, weed and booze. The bus could give Willie Nelson's bus a run for it's money.
I called my dad to let him know what happened. He told me to catch a cab back to school and that he'd pay the fare. I flagged down a cab and cried the entire ride back to school. My life was suddenly this cesspool and I couldn't seem to get out.
When I got back to school, I remembered Luke's invite from earlier in the day. I sent him a quick text to see if the invitation was still good. I didn't want to just show up after I'd already told him I had plans.
o~O~o
One hour later...
The Garage
o~O~o
After cleaning up, changing clothes and removing that awful librarian bun from my head, I was ready for a night out on the town. I stared at myself in the mirror. Was this the best thing to do given the circumstances? Ah... fuck it. I've already told Luke I'd meet him there. My hair and makeup look good and my outfit is killer. Let's do this!
Luke was standing with the bouncer when I got there. It was a 21 and up club but because Luke was friends with the owner I was able to get in without a problem.
"Hey! Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, I'm just done with those girls."
Luke reassured the bouncer that I was in fact 'with him' and we walked in. The club was jumpin, the music was thumpin' and the drinks were cold. Yep, this is exactly what I needed.
"Music is music… the a capella stuff is just lame and upsetting." Luke told me as we made our way through the crowd.
"When it's done right… it's actually pretty awesome."
"Umm… awesome is what you're doing."
"Thanks." I said hoping Luke couldn't see me blushing.
"Listen… Spring Break, in the booth, I want you to do the night shift. I was serious earlier. I want you to play your music. Do whatever you want, well… no more than one of your mixes per hour, but otherwise the booth is all yours. Have fun with it Becky."
So I guess the 'freshman aren't allowed in the booth' bull crap he shoveled at me on the first day was just that. Besides, I have been in the booth but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I was really excited about being able to work during Spring Break, especially since Luke said I could play my music. He limited me to one mix per hour but he was going to be inebriated on a beach in Destin, he wouldn't know if I played more than one mix an hour. And even if he did find out, what could he do? What's done is done and there's no going back; sorta like my fight with Jesse.
"It's Beca."
"What?"
"My name's not Becky, it's Beca."
"Well, that's weird. Why didn't you say anything?"
"I... I don't know." There was this awkward silence between us, so I figured I'd fill it with a question I thought deserved an answer. "Why did you start playing my music?"
"Well, I finally listened to it because Jesse kept bugging me and… I thought it was solid. Jesse's a relentless kid."
Damn it! Jesse 'helped' me again. He's there… every where I go, everything I do… he right the fuck there; ready, willing and able to help. Beca, just get through this night. You can do it.
After taking a few minutes to wallow in self-pity, I decided to 'join in' and have some fun. The Garage wasn't bad at all. It was fun and so I'm glad I took Luke up on his offer to go out. The music was amazing and hanging out with Luke was more fun than I expected, especially since he's always so stiff and stuffy at the station, must be an English thing. Actually, he might make a good 'shag' buddy for Aubrey; wonder if he takes cash or credit cards? And yeah, apparently British people shag. I thought it was dance from the 70's but it's an actual thing they do. They're all weird. Anyway, we had some drinks and both of us loosened up around each other. We danced and chatted some. He even said he'd talk to the owner to see about getting me some gigs.
When it was time to go, Luke offered me a ride back to my dorm so I wouldn't have to walk. I gladly accepted. It had been a long day and I wasn't looking forward to walking alone, especially since I forgot my Barden issued rape whistle in my other purse and I highly doubt my eyeliner and lip gloss would scare an attacker. And don't even think it... I know if I wasn't wearing any, it could shock the shit out of people too.
Once we were in the car, Luke said something about him being a berk. Is that even a word? Apparently he left his iPad, phone charger and his anorak, again... what the fuck?, at the radio station. He wanted to take it with him on Spring Break, so we needed to make a quick pit stop. As he went into the booth to get his iPad and whatever else it was he needed, I excused myself to the restroom. As soon as I walked out, he was on me and while part of me wanted to let him have his way because I was feeling a little antsy after my fight with Jesse, the other part of me just kept thinking about Jesse and how he should be the one kissing my neck. I needed to stop this.
"Luke stop!" I begged. "Please get off!"
"Becky, you know you want this. " He said as he pushed me down on the 'no sex desk' and continued kissing my neck.
"No, I don't! Get off!" I said shoving him and trying to pull my shirt down at the same time.
"Cor blimey! You're a fucking cock tease!"
"I didn't ask for this... you assumed."
"When we left The Garage I assumed I was getting laid. Bollocks to this!"
"Did you really think I would cheat on Jesse with the likes of you?" I spat.
"I didn't really know that you and Jesse were a thing, mate. Crikey, I mean, I only had my suspicions and then thought is was a load of codswallop." He explained and I so wanted to roll my eyes at him. Stupid Brit Boy and his assumptions.
"What do you mean you didn't know? This is one of the only places we didn't have to hide our feelings."
"What does that bellend have that I don't, huh? I'm the dogs bollocks compared to him." he asked lifting his shirt so I could see his chiseled abs. "He's just the chief cook and bottle washer. So, tell me what the jammy git has instead of me?"
"Me!"
"Well, I tried to have you and you shut me down!" Luke ran his hand over his face. "Is it this place? You don't want to shag in my radio station? You expect a fancy hotel with all the trimmings to get laid in? You dumb women are all the same, getting a man all sixes and sevens."
As I made sure my clothes were straight I picked up my purse and headed for the door. "Fuck you Luke!"
"If you walk out of that door, you're fi-"
"Oh no! Nuh uh fucker... doesn't work like that." I said with a wink and gave him the ol' one finger salute. "Here's my resignation!" Luke looked genuinely shocked by my outburst and subsequent salute. "Oh and by the way, Jesse and I have had sex against the wall, on the stairs, the couch, oh and the rug in front of the couch, man was that fun. It's fluffy and comfy... you may want to get that dry cleaned by the way, I think we may have dribbled."
Tapping my chin and looking around, I said, "Where was I, oh yeah... the desk, up against the file cabinet... hmm, where else? Oh yeah, there was the rolly chair by my desk, the bathroom vanity, oh and there was that time in the back seat of your car when you were off in the zone on Trance Night, the hood proved to be fun too and then there was the sound board in the booth... did that with the blinds open... it was a lot of fun! On your chair, up against the door of the booth-"
"You shagged on my old banger? Mate, that's manky."
"Um, what?"
"Banger... my car? Are you quite barmy?"
"Oh yes, great leverage for Jesse. He-"
"That's enough! I didn't want to get into an argy bargy with you. Get out!" he bellowed at me and pointed towards the door.
Then something else came to me, no pun intended and I started giggling so hard I doubled over.
"What's so funny?"
"Just one more thing you should probably know. Those 'stains' on the counter by the coffee machine, the ones you spent half an hour scrubbing with Ajax... yeah dude, that wasn't mayonnaise."
"I said enough Becky! This whole thing has gone pear shaped."
"My name is Beca not Becky. Maybe if you had remembered my name you would have scored. Oh well... your loss!"
"How do you figure? I thought you'd be after some rumpy pumpy."
"Usually guys who are bulky up here..." I said gesturing to his chest and arms. "Are the ones that aren't so bulky down there... if you know what I'm saying."
"That's a low blow Beca! What a load of cack."
"Give the boy a medal... he finally got my name right!"
"Are you quite through insulting me?"
I grinned. "Yeah, I think I am. Hope you and your right hand have a great time later."
"I'm left handed you plonker!"
"Well, wouldn't want the right to get jealous!" I yelled over my shoulder as I walked out the door. I love getting the last word.
As I was walking to my dorm, I texted Jesse to let him know what happened. I warned him to bring an umbrella to the shit storm he was going to be walking into at the station when he returned from Spring Break. Well, that's if Luke hasn't already called or texted him to tell him he's fired. To my surprise, Jesse didn't text back. He's always quick to respond but not tonight.
"Wow Beca... you really fucked up this time." I said to myself. I really had fucked up the one good thing that had ever come into my life. It had only been a few hours but I was already feeling Jesse's absence and it hurt like hell.
When I walked into my dorm room, the reality of being alone really hit me. Kimmy Jin left earlier in the day. She and her band of ninjas were headed to Myrtle Beach. As I looked around my room, there were little hints of Jesse everywhere. From the pictures on my shelf, to his DVD's on the desk and one of his t-shirts thrown haphazardly over my desk chair. No matter what I did, I thought of Jesse. I tried desperately to create a new mix but the songs were all of Jesse's favorites. I tried reading... it only made my mind wander more and anyone who knows me well, knows that my mind should not be allowed out without a chaperone.
I finally decided to work on my Chemistry assignment, but fuck if that didn't make me think of Jesse too. I was miserable. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything without thinking of Jesse. I tried sending another text but it was ignored as well. I called and the bastard had the nerve to bitch button me. I know I said some pretty harsh things but it was all said in anger. I want to apologize but I can't if he won't let me. Maybe I should give him a few days and try again.
Sometime after 4am I must have finally drifted off but even my dreams were full of thoughts of Jesse. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get away from him, it was like he was under my skin. An itch that just wouldn't go away. I was starting to doze back off when my phone vibrated on the bed next to me. I thought it might have been Jesse, so I sat up excitedly so I could get a good look at the text. Fuck! It's Luke. Begging me to work the night shift even though I quit because he can't find anyone else on such short notice. I should tell him no but really, what else is there for me to do? I'm going to go crazy in this room for a week. Getting out will help distract me.
Luke texted back a 'thanks mate... cheerio' within seconds. Dude clearly forgives, forgets and moves on pretty quick. Must be an English thing. Perhaps they all get training from the Queen? Ah well, who gives a fuck? Wonder why he was so desperate to get away for Spring Break?
o~O~o
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
~ Marilyn Monroe ~
o~O~o
Spring Break
o~O~o
Spring Break was finally here and it was absolutely, positively awful; the worst ever. There were very few people on campus and there was absolutely nothing to do. I spent my time sleeping… when I could; mixing music… when the mood struck; eating… because I had to not and because I was hungry; avoiding my dad… because he pissed me off; working… because I promised to and wearing Jesse's treble t-shirt while watching his sappy movies because... oh fuck it, really? You need me to be explains that after all this?
I tried calling/texting Jesse. I left a bunch of messages but he never responded; which meant he was beyond angry and hurt, he was pissed and all because I can't keep my flannel mouth shut. I always have to have the last word. Always! See! Oh fuck it.
I haven't heard from any of the Bella's since I walked out after our semi's performance, not that I thought I would but it would've been nice. I really miss Amy and Stacey and even my favorite redhead; funny how that Ginger weaseled her way into my life. Unfortunately, they're probably under very strict orders from the Nazi to steer clear of me. I'm sure she'll seize their phones and check their call/text history to see if they've contacted me. She's such a bitch!
None of this would have happened if she would have agreed to let me help. I could have come up with a killer set list that would have thrilled the audience and catapulted us into first place. Instead, I had to improvise and well, we all know where that got me.
Why hadn't any one of those bitches had my back? I would have stood up and taken the lashes from Aubrey before I let any one of those girls down. I guess I see friendship and loyalty differently than they do.
Despite every eye roll I send out in the world and every razor sharp quip that leaves my lips before I think about it, I do actually care what people think. I love unconditionally and fiercely and will have anyone's back if they need it. Except Linzy Foster from High School. That bitch was a skank after making up shit about me. Probably wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. But anyway, the Bellas wouldn't even look at me. They looked everywhere but at me.
The only one with balls enough to look at me was the one whose daggers shot straight out of her eyes and into my skull. Seeing Aubrey's eyes bulge out of her eye sockets was like watching an episode of The Road Runner. You know how the road runner's eyes pop out when he sees the coyote… yep, it was just like that, complete with horns, whistles and bells in the background. Scary as fuck! I mean, she's a pretty girl but when she twists her face, she looks like she's either chewing a wasp or she's got a piece of shit under her nose and it smells bad.
None of that matters now. I've handed in my scarf and that's that. I really didn't think about the ramifications of my actions, I just did it. Now, I have to stay at Barden for three more years; three more lonely, boring, dreadful years. Wonder if my dad would consider a transfer to UCLA? I could work as an intern at a radio and go to college. It would be worth a shot asking him. The worst thing he could say was no and make me stay at Barden… but could he really make me stay against my will? I'm 19 years old and I can do what I damn well please and he couldn't really do anything about it.
I'll worry about that tomorrow. Shit! Did I really just say that? Now I sound like Scarlett Fucking O'Hara. Why did Jesse make me watch that stupid movie? All four fucking hours… four hours of my life I'll never get back yet somehow, I enjoyed it and learned that I'm exactly like Scarlett. Too damn independent for my own damn good, but determined to get my way in the end with a side order of sass along the way. I hope Jesse and I don't end up like Scarlett and Rhett… that would be tragic.
Sweet baby Jesus! I need to get out more. The walls are closing in on me and referring to myself as a fictional Southern Belle and Jesse as a swoon worthy, yet debonair Southern gentleman. Suddenly, I feel like my life has turned in the Lifetime movie of the week.
Maybe I should get dressed and go sit on the grass in the quad. Get some sun. Do I have sunscreen? I need SPF 200 to sit out there. I'm so white that I'm nearly transparent. Oh fuck it… I need to get out of this fucking bed and look alive. Being in the sun and fresh air might help me figure out what I need to do about my Jesse situation. Even though he's apparently given up on me, I'm not quite ready to give up on him.
I got out of bed, fumbled for a pair of clean shorts and a cami, flip flops, my sunglasses, iPod, iPad, a huge bottle of water and of course, Jesse's girly beach towel. I threw everything into my backpack and headed out.
It was hotter than Hades outside but being out here was as close to heaven as I could possibly get at the moment. The quad is stunningly gorgeous this time of year. The azaleas and crepe myrtles are in full bloom and there's a hint of gardenia and jasmine in the air. My dad was right… ugh! Holy shit! Did I just admit that?
I found a cool, shady place to sit under one of the most amazing oaks trees. After laying out Jesse's towel, I read for awhile… and let me tell you, '50 Shades of Grey' is some eye opening shit. That Christian Grey dude is one sick mother fucker. Kinky fuckery doesn't even begin to touch what that fucker does. I think I should have had my parents sign some sort of permission slip saying that it was ok that I read this. Smut, smut, smutty smut… and even more smut! I'm not ashamed to admit that I've had to google the names of some of these sex toys he references. Wowza! This dude is serious about playtime! Where and how do I sign up for a playdate?
According to the book, Christian and Ana do go to work but I'm not sure how they could possibly have the energy when they literally have sex every waking minute they're home. That sick fucker wakes up rock hard and wanting it because gettin' it seventeen times the night before wasn't nearly enough. This chick has been fucked hard and tied up more times than I can count. Now, I'm no prude, I've got nothing against a toy or two, a spanking or even being tied up because frankly, that does sound like it could be a lot of fun, but I'm not sure I could take the pounding that poor Anastasia's lady bits have taken. She is one lucky bitch.
Now, one of two things is eventually going to happen, either his dong is going to fall off or her box is going to rot out and fall into a bunch of broken pieces at her feet. He's already reached up there and yanked her tampon out so the author is bound to write about the box rot at some point. Her poor little cherry never stood a chance.
Crazy thing is, as messed up as this book is, I couldn't make myself stop reading it. It hooks you from the first page and just continues to suck you in. Okay, possibly a bad choice of words there but who gives a fuck? It probably wasn't the best thing for me to read given my current situation.
The fresh air did me a world of good and some point I drifted off. Thank goodness I set an alarm on my phone; otherwise I'd have slept through my shift at the station. I'd forgotten that the alarm tone was one that Jesse had downloaded for me. Damn R2D2. It's fucking loud and it scares the shit out of me every frickin' time, which is exactly why he downloaded it.
A freight train could pass through my room and I'd sleep through it. I've already slept through one of the monthly scheduled fire alarms that Baker Hall conducts. Fucking Kimmy Jin left me in the room and walked out. Stupid bitch. There have been many times that I've sat up 'til late working on my mixes and plan how to get her back and not get caught. Perhaps I need to speak to Lilly.
Jesse was pissed that Kimmy Jin had left me. He said he shot her a look that sent her inner ninja running for cover and melted the lasers she was shooting from her eyes. He probably didn't, he's quite a gem and it was really sweet of him to say it. As soon as students were allowed back in the building he ran upstairs looking for me. He found me with my earbuds in, music blaring and sound asleep with my Chemistry book and notes sprawled on the bed. One of these days I'll learn how Amy 'releases the Kraken' and do it to Kimmy Jin. Teach that bitch to fuck with me.
Ugh… it was time for me to go to the station. Just another place for me to think about Jesse. As the music played, I ran my hand over the 'no sex desk' and smiled. We had given this desk quite the show. I smiled and hugged myself. Come hell or high water and with 'God as my witness' I will get Jesse back or die trying. Annnddd there's Scarlett again! Get out of my damn head! Fucking hell man! She's a pesky fucking wench who always wants to be the center of attention!
o~O~o
Spring Break is finally over and Jesse is due back this afternoon. If I smile any bigger, my face is going to crack in half. I've truly missed the nerd and can't wait to go see him. I want to apologize appropriately and hope that he'll accept. I know things won't immediately go back to the way they were but if we work hard we'll get it back. We have to... right?
I was finally able to get some decent sleep. I don't know if it's because Jesse's coming back or if I was that exhausted but whatever the case I'm well rested and ready for what the day has in store.
Before rolling out of bed and officially starting the day, I decided to read the final few chapters of '50 Shades Darker'.
Ho-Ly Sheep-Shit Batman!
I want to find my own Christian Grey. Whip me, beat me, spank me harder... take me to all the places I never knew existed. I'll admit, Christian Grey is one twisted fucked up son of a bitch but he can twist me up and fuck me hard any damn day of the week and seven times on Sunday if he wants to.
Is it getting hot in here? I've died and gone straight to hell. Oh shit… my panties are on fire! I need to find the closest fire extinguisher and put myself out, but I slept through the fucking drill and I don't know where to find it. Mommy porn my sweet non-existent ass! This is hard core bringing down the house erotica, a step by step BDSM manual. Oh my God, I need to excuse myself to freshen up the downtown… immediately!
After a very looonnngggg, very cold shower I'm finally feeling like myself again, but I keep looking at my iPad… I really wanna read the third book. I don't have time right now though, Jesse's already back and I had hoped to be waiting outside his dorm room. I've even fixed my hair, my makeup is a little lighter and I'm wearing the shirt he likes. I want him to notice and I had hoped to be early so I could have caught him off guard a little.
The walk to Jesse's dorm seemed to take forever, in all honesty, it was less than five minutes. As I turned the corner and walked toward Jesse's dorm room, I noticed the door was cracked open and I could hear him singing. I loved to listen to him sing… and as an added bonus, he was playing his guitar. I didn't recognize the melody, so I stood quietly outside the door and listened as Jesse began to croon.
"All the leaves on the Giving Tree have fallen
No shade to crawl in underneath
I've got scars from a pocket knife
Where you carved, your heart, into me
If all you wanted was love
Why would you use me up
Cut me down, build a boat, and sail away
When all I wanted to be was your giving tree
Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?
I lie in the dead of night and I wonder
Whose covers you're between
And it's sad laying in his bed
You feel hollow, so you crawl home back to me"
With my back against the wall, I slowly slid down. I put my head in my hands and wept. He's given up. He doesn't want me. It's over. I've truly fucked this up. And why? Because I'm too fucking scared to let anyone in?
"If all you wanted was love
Why would you use me up
Cut me down, build a boat, and sail away
When all I wanted to be was your giving tree
Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?
Well, I see a trail that starts
A line of broken hearts behind you
That lead you back to me
The once sad and lonely fool
With nothing left but roots to show, oh
If all you wanted was love
Why would you use me up
Cut me down, build a boat, and sail away
When all I wanted to be was your giving tree
Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?
Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?"
By the time Jesse was finished playing I was a mess. I was a flood of emotions that I didn't know what to do with. I sniffled rather loudly and heard Jesse starting to shuffle around in his room so I took off. He wanted nothing to do with me, I'll be damned if I'm going to let him see me like this.
o~O~o
Where am I going? What am I doing? Dad! I need to see my Dad. As soon as I pulled into the driveway at my Dad's place, a large two story just off campus, I felt this strange sense of calm, coming here was definitely the right thing to do. I took a quick glance in the mirror and noted that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to hide the fact that I'd been crying. So, I took a deep breath and headed toward the porch.
"Dad!" I called out as I walked in the house, putting my purse, keys and jacket down.
"Hey Bec… I'm in the kitchen." As I walked in the kitchen my dad turned around and immediately knew something was wrong. "Baby, what's wrong?"
I couldn't answer. I walked straight over to him and collapsed in his arms. The floodgates were open wide and we were gonna need a boat to stay afloat.
"Beca, I need you to tell me what's wrong."
"He hates me, Daddy." I finally said as I wiped my nose on the back of my hand.
"Who? Who hates you?" he asked patting my back and not knowing what to do about my unusual display of affection towards him.
"Jesse." I hiccupped.
"Honey, I don't think that's the case. From what I've gathered in the short time I've known him, that boy is very fond of you."
Sniffling, I assure my dad that's not the case. "Dad, trust me… he definitely hates me. There's no going back. I can't take back what I said and did."
"Honey, he's probably feeling the exact same way about you. You've both said and done things you didn't mean -"
"He didn't do anything wrong. This is all me."
"Give him some space. He'll come around."
Maybe my dad was right. Maybe Jesse would come around, but I couldn't be totally sure. He's pretty angry and hurt. I've never seen him like this. I'm not sure i'm ready to face these uncharted waters.
"How are things going with the Bellas?" my dad asked as he poured hot water from the tea kettle into our mugs.
"I quit."
"You quit?"
"I really liked those girls but Aubrey is more than I can handle."
"I can't help but point out that you called them 'those girls'."
"Well, what did you want me to call them. They aren't exactly friends."
"Why not?"
"Dad, we don't hang out. We go to rehearsals, we go to competitions and then we all go our separate ways."
"So, instead of nurturing friendships, you thought quitting was the answer?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Beca, you made a commitment."
"Oh, are you really going to talk to me about the sanctity of commitment?"
"C'mon Bec… That's unfair."
"Dad, you made a commitment to Mom and you left. You left us. You left me."
He sighed. "I did. It wasn't my finest moment. I tried to call you. I even learned how to text, but you… you just shut me out."
"Yeah, I shut everyone out. Don't take it personally, it's just easier."
"But it's also really lonely." Taking a deep breath he continued. "Look, your mom and I… we didn't work out. That doesn't mean we love you any less. If anything it means we love you more. We didn't want you to see and hear the destruction, so we sheltered you and I made a decision. But Beca, please, understand… it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make and it wasn't one that I made lightly. Leaving you was the saddest day of my life. I should have… I should have fought harder, made more of an effort." He reached over and grabbed my hand, "I'm trying to make up for it now, which is why I'm adamant about you not going off to LA. Beca, look at me please."
I reached up and wiped the tears from my cheek and when I was ready, I looked at my dad, ready to hear what it was he had to say.
"Beca, no matter how old you are, you'll always will be my little girl and I'll always want what's best for you. I knew from the moment you were first laid in my arms that you were special. You've always danced to the beat of your own drummer. Underneath that tough exterior to try to make everyone believe you possess, you're sweet, sassy and spunky and most of all you are amazingly talented; your love and passion for music will take you far in life. So, as hard as it is to say this, if you still want to go to LA, then I'll support you, all you have to do is say the words."
I got up and walked around to the bar stool my dad was sitting on and hugged him. Really hugged him for the first time in what felt like ages. "Dad, what do I do?"
"Oh baby, that's up to you. This is one of those curve balls that life throws at you. You have to make the decision, but speaking from personal experience, if you're going to leave someone or something you care about behind, make sure you do it the right way. No regrets."
I sighed. "Ok. I think I know what I have to do."
"Beca, I'm so proud of you. You know that right?"
"Proud? Of me?"
"Yes, proud of you… ya weirdo!" he said with a big smile and hugged me tighter.
My dad and I continued to talk for a while longer, he really isn't as bad as I made him to be. when it was time to leave, I gave him one last hug, a kiss on the cheek and set out to do what I needed to do. While I still wasn't sure if I was going to stay at Barden or cut my losses and head to Los Angeles, I needed to make everything right. And if I couldn't make it right, then I was going to die trying. I had to give this my all. I couldn't half ass it.
o~O~o
When I arrived back on campus my firsts stop was my dorm. I needed to clean up after my cry fest, there was no way I'm going to see Jesse with tarantula eyelashes and puffy eyes. As I washed my face for the first time I saw the person hidden under all the makeup. Then and there I vowed to go easier on the the eyeliner. When I was done, I stood back and looked at the new and improved Beca. It was true… I really didn't need all that black shit on my eyes.
As I walked to Jesse's dorm, I gave myself the pep talk of a lifetime. I needed to to be willing to listen and understand his feelings about what happened but I also needed to be open to change in order for our relationship to work.
Standing outside his door, I took a deep breath and was greeted by the smell of popcorn.
"Jess... I know you're in there. I can smell popcorn." I stood there waiting… wondering if her was going to come to the door. "C'mon Jess… open the door." The door flew open and there he was with his best pissed off glare. Maybe this wasn't going to go as well as I had hoped. "I've been trying to call you. I left you a bunch of messages."
"Yeah, I got them."
"I'm sorry we fought. I was mad, I overreacted and I took it out on you when you were just trying to be the amazing friend you've always been. Aubrey pushes my-"
"Seriously Bec? You think I'm fucking mad because you yelled at me?"
"No, I know-"
"No, you don't know and that's the fucking problem. You think you know but you don't. You push everyone who cares about you away. Why is that?"
I took a deep breath, "I don't know."
"Well, you better go figure it out, because I'm done with whatever the fuck this is." he said motioning between us.
I could hear rather than feel my heart break. "Jess-"
"I'm done." he tried to close the door but I stopped him.
"No, you don't get to make a unilateral decision here. I came to deliver a sincere and heartfelt apology and the least you could do is hear me out."
"Beca, I've heard enough now get out." he said taking my arm and walking me back to the hall. "I'm done. Now I'd appreciate if you'd leave." and with that he shut the door in my face. The pain in my chest was unbearable and for the second time in the same day I was sitting in a puddle of my own tears.
o~O~o
"You treated me like I'm your little toy
You tell me I'm not like other boys
And next thing I know you toss me aside
And you don't even bother with goodbye
But when you say hello
I can't ignore you
You sent me spinning
You pull me in close
You throw me away
I keep coming back like a boomerang
You tell me to go
You beg me to stay
I keep coming back like a boomerang
Around around around back again
Around around around back again
Boom boom boom now my heart is racing
Boom boom boom after you I'm chasing
Boom boom boom you got to catch me when I fall
You sent me spinning"
o~O~o
o~O~o
"Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song."
o~O~o
Two days after trying to mend fences with Jesse, I was sitting in my room, crying after watching The Breakfast Club... again and yet, I still couldn't believe he didn't notice that I had his DVD. I continued to sit there staring at the movie, it was almost over and so were Jesse and I. At some point I should probably walk over and return his DVD as well as the other things I have that belong to him but I just couldn't bring myself to do it today.
I was just about to roll over and take a nap when I heard a knock on the door. I don't want visitors but as I laid there I thought it might be my dad coming by to check on me. I hadn't left my room in two days and I'm sure he was worried.
As I opened the door, I was shocked and surprised to see that it was Benji.
"Hey Bec, can I come in?"
"Sure. What's up?"
"Can we talk?"
"Are you here to talk to me or tear what's left of me to shreds?"
"Beca, you know I wouldn't do that."
He was right; I knew he'd never do that. "I know… I'm sorry. The last few days have been really shitty. What did you want to talk about?"
"I'm not going to beat around the bush here... there's really no point."
Instantly, my hackles went up. "What are you getting at?"
"Beca, he's hurting."
"Newsflash Benj, so am I. Do you think I've been crying tears of joy? He threw me out of his room and shut the fucking door in my face when I was trying to apologize!"
"Ok, time out." he said making a 'T' with his hands. Damn, he had big hands. "Bec, can I be candid with you?"
"Yes, always." I told him wiping tears from my cheeks. I really hated that I was crying in front of him.
"You told him you didn't need his help, not once, but twice and very publicly both times. He loves you Beca. You're all he ever talks about. He wants to be wanted and needed by you and you rejected him. You're a ball buster if ever there was one."
"Benji, I needed someone to have my back and he denied we had thing."
"He was protecting you because he wasn't sure if you wanted everyone to know. He wanted you to be the one to make the decision to go public."
"But he could've come after me and he didn't."
"You had just yelled at him. Can you blame him for not going after you?"
"But..."
"Would you have listened if he had?" Benji asked and I had to admit that question struck home a little with me.
"I don't know."
"Beca, I'm telling you without a shadow of a doubt, he loves you. He's in love with you. You got under his skin and he wears you proudly."
"Don't you think I want to shout from the rooftops that I'm in love with Jesse?" I asked flailing my arms around. Benji did look a little shocked; not sure whether it was from my statement or my exuberant hand twirls. "Well, I do but I can't and it's killing me."
"Why can't you?"
"The Bella oath."
"Jesse took an oath with the Trebles too but that never stopped him from being with you or wanting to be with you."
"No, you don't understand. Aubrey made us take an oath that says we can't be trebleboned. If we are, our vocal chords will be ripped out by wolves."
Benji laughed. "Beca, do you hear yourself? That's ridiculous. Where in the blazes of hell do you think Aubrey is going to find a vocal chord eating wolf?"
"I don't know."
"Listen, the night of Semi's he was going to ask you to go home with him for Spring Break."
"He what?"
"He was so sure that you'd say yes that he had already bought the plane ticket."
"He did that for me?" I was genuinely shocked. People think because I'm a bit... ok, a lot snarky that I don't appreciate gestures and gifts but every present I have ever received has been adored.
"He sure did. First class too."
"How could he have been so sure I'd say yes?"
"Because he thought he knew you."
"He does know me. He knows me better than anyone."
"Bec, all I know is he's better off with you around. And for the record, I can only hide in my magic box for so long, listening as he beats the tar out of himself for not letting you apologize. That box is dark and lonely but he needs his space so I give it to him."
"What do I do?"
"There's only one way for you to get through to him and you're holding the key right there." he said pointing to my laptop screen.
That was it. The Breakfast Club was the key, but how was I going to make it all work. "Thanks Benj. I owe you one!" I said as I kissed his cheek and pulled him into a big un-Beca like bear hug.
"I'm glad you said that because I have a huge favor to ask."
"Name it!"