'I swear this man has more surprises than that freaky transvestite with the mouth hands in Akatsuki. Thank god I got out of that sausage fest as soon as he started talking about Artful Banging or whatever. As if the nail polish wasn't enough...'
He pulled out his badass sword of badassness (It's his sword he can call it whatever the hell he wants) and was about to impale the annoyance when suddenly the man crossed his arms and shouted "Whoa, Dude time out! You gotta teach me how to do this awesome tongue jutsu."
Orochimaru blinked slowly, "You... you like it?"
The man, who is in actuality Naruto, self proclaimed most awesome person in the godamn fucking unverse, responded, "Like it, Dude this has got to be the coolest thing since the Falcon Punch! Can you imagine how much poon I could pull with this thing in my repetoire?"
Orochimaru blushed a little, "Well I'm not one to brag, but back in the day I was quite the ladies man."
"No. Way."
"Way. God knows how many illegitimate chilldren I left behind when I fled child supp... Went Missing-Nin."
*************************************
At that moment the entire Rookie Nine, plus Team Youth felt a shudder go down their collective spines.
*************************************
"And you know Tsunade?"
"You mean Miss Naughty Doctor of Ninja's Gone Wild, S-Class Edition?"
"The very same."
"Dude, tell me you hit that!"
"Like the Angry Fist of God"
"No. Way."
"Way, Bro. Who do you think gave her the nickname 'The Legendary Sucker'?"
"Dude, Bro-Fist"
They Bro-Fisted.
And so rather than killing Naruto they became Bros For Life, and Naruto was left with a scroll on how to do the long tongue thingy. Later he abstained from destroying Konoha "cuz they gots mad hot bitches up in there and I don't wanna be cock blocking my Brother."