Heartbeats

Chapter 2: Jacob

He's unsure what to expect when he opens the door to his apartment. Leilani sits at the small kitchen table with her feet on the stool in a long night-shirt, eyes unmoving from the newspaper in her hand. It's past midday and although she's usually changed she's still beautiful like always, her skin is golden and her legs are long, her hair a waterfall of silk falling down her back as she sips from her mug. It's strange, he expects to feel guilty and disgusted with himself as the realization of what he has done really hits him. But it never comes. She doesn't look up as he sits in a stool next to her so he stays quiet, trying to drag out the silence as long as it lasts. He studies her while she sits, going over all the reasons why he fell in love with Leilani:

1) She's a native, like himself.

2) She understands cars, she helps him in the garage.

3) She's a dancer.

4) She's tall, confident, charming.

5) She's a good friend to him.

But for some reason he contradicts them all in the back of his mind with why Bella is so much better than that, with why he loves Bella more:

1) She's not a native, but she wants to be and she loves hearing the stories and coming to the bonfires, never rolling her eyes or desperately wanting to go back home.

2) She's clueless about cars but admires the way Jacob can be so intricate and gentle, this makes him feel so damn special, to know that she's captivated with him.

3) She's got two left feet, which is perfect because Jacob does too and this way he's never forced to dance at parties.

4) Bella's small and shy and he loves the way she blushes and turns quiet when she's around people because he can tease and laugh with her about it later.

And here is where it dawns on him, that although he loves Leilani, he doesn't love her enough.

5) Bella's more than just a good friend; she's a permanent part of his life, regardless of how many years they spend apart.

He loves Leilani the way he loves Quil and Embry. He loves Bella like he loves absolutely no one else, she's like the exact perfect match for him and he can't really imagine himself growing old with anyone else.

His eyes drop from his gaze on Leilani and his head falls into his hands.

"I'm so sorry," he breathes while the cogs turn in his mind.

"So you should be," She knows. He can tell she knows by the way her voice has that ring of threat in it. He keeps his head down and his mouth shut, waiting for the rest of it. "I might have been okay with you stopping over at Isabella's house if you were back at a reasonable time but honestly Jacob, you come back after noon and say sorry? That's just plain stupid babe. And you know what, weirdly enough, for me sorry just doesn't justify sleeping with someone el-" It is at this point his mind slowly disconnects from the world, her words just become babblings that get lost in his ear canal and suddenly (actually not-so-suddenly because it's been in the back of his mind all along) he can list every single thing he doesn't like about his girlfriend and it's obvious to him that this list of cons massively outweighs the pros of his relationship. He can hear the volume of her voice increasing and the menacing, judgemental stare burning a hole in his shoulder snaps him out of his reverie. Somewhere inside him he knows he's being really disrespectful and that was not how he was raised but at the same time, he just cannot give a shit.

"Lilly, baby...just shut up," And he raises his head to look her steely in the eye. "I'm not saying sorry because I slept with Bella," she opens her mouth to retaliate, he doesn't let her. "I'm saying sorry for leaving you."

He stands up and Leilani's face is frozen in shock but it doesn't take her long to regain her senses. "Are you kidding me? I've just given you a second chance here and you're leaving me?"

It's too cliché for him to think that's what he's actually doing but it is, so he stands up, grabs his jacket and walks out the door. When he's on the road he feels elevated, relieved, on top of the world at the idea of going back to see his Bells and getting rid of all this anxiety. It's when he's 3 streets away from Bella that he realizes he can't go back. He promised her it was one night, he promised her it had never happened. He promised her just friends. The anger of his stupidity floods his muscles and he slams the wheel. "Dumbass idiot!" he yells to himself. He pulls over to the side of the road and punches the steering wheel some more, now angry at how thoughtless he could be. In his defence, he didn't anticipate wanting to see her again in the slightest, he meant every word he said last night, that they would still be friends and that it was only for one night. He sits there in his car, not knowing where to go.