Author's note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed my last chapter. This one is a little longer… Also, Pink Chaos PMed me on to let me know that Nessie is a dhampir. I always thought of her as a dunpeal, which shows how much of a nerd I am. Anyway, that will make an appearance at some point I am sure.

All was not well in the Greater Forks Area. Jacob Black was miserable and confused. Nessie Cullen was about to get her internet access limited by a too-protective father. Carlisle Cullen kept having each of his vampire children go to the store to pick up this or that and didn't seem to understand that it would be easier if he waited an did all of the shopping at one time. Esme Cullen was even then in the process of making a startling discovery about herself, not entirely unrelated to her new choice of wardrobe, and was about to undertake the adventure of her life.

And then there was Emmett Cullen.

Four days after Esme told Emmett he should "find himself," he still had not suceeded. For four days he had been laying on his bed. For four days he had been wearing the same clothes. It's probably a good thing that vampires don't sweat.

"Dammit, Emmett, get out of bed!" his adoring wife shouted at him around midday on the fourth day.

"Uhhhhhhmp," mumbled Emmett.

She threw something at him. It turned out to be her panties. He picked them up off of his chest and looked at them distractedly. "Uhhhhhmpz?" he asked, his eyes still half-closed.

She walked over and looked down at him. Rosalie was beginning to become concerned about Emmett. The first day she thought he had eaten some bad blood and left him alone, not being the sort of wife to coddle. The second day she had come home from a shopping trip and he was still there, staring at the ceiling. She had tried talking to him and hadn't gotten any response so she left him alone. On the third day, she realized he might just be really, really hungry, so she dug out one of the baby-cups they had fed Bella with during her pregnancy, the kind with the lid that you could sip out of. She even went to the trouble of getting grizzly blood. It made him look better, but he still wasn't speaking.

On the fourth day, she threw her panties at him.

"Emmett, seriously, you've got to tell me what's wrong."

"Uhhhhmf…."

She sat on the corner of the bed. If Emmett wasn't responding to panties, this was more serious than she had thought. "Honey, what's going on?" she patted his leg as she asked. After a very long pause, he finally spoke.

"I don't know who I am."

Whatever Rosalie was expecting, it wasn't that. "So, you don't have a gambling addiction?"

Emmett looked annoyed first, and then thoughtful. "I don't know, do I? Do you think I have an addictive sort of personality?"

"This is an emotional issue, isn't it?"

He nodded and then the whole story spilled out. "I saw Esme downtown, when Nessie was at Girl Scouts, and she was dressed all slutty, Esme not Nessie, and she said that people are allowed to be complicated and that I should think about who I am and stuff… and she was asking me who I am… and all I could think of was that I'm big and strong and mean looking and stuff. But I'm more than that, aren't I?"

She continued petting his leg. "I think you should talk to Jasper," Rosalie said at last. Jasper was good at emotions, basically because he could make them go away.

"Don't want to. He'll just laugh at me."

Rosalie was not going to give up on the Get-Jasper-To-Fix-This plan, but she knew she should do what she could to help. "Emmett, I think you are a lot more than just big and strong. I love you. I think you are the most wonderful man in the world."

"But… what am I like?"

"You're my husband. That's all that matters."

Emmett looked up at his wife and tried to smile. It wasn't that he disagreed; before his little chat with Esme, Emmett had never worried about who he was. He was Rosalie's husband. Before that, he was just some newborn vampire who was hopelessly in love with her. He didn't even think much about what it meant to be undead. He'd had human blood because he wanted it, and then later he became a vegetarian because Rosalie was one. And before that, well, it was hard for Emmett to remember his human life. But even then, he never worried about "identity." He was born before self-help books, before people had "true callings." He'd been strong, and typically male. He didn't reflect much on who he was, what he wanted. There'd been girls, girls who Emmett could barely remember now. One of them he'd loved, a pretty girl with a pretty laugh who he'd thought he'd marry, and who was married, 4 months after his "bear accident," to another boy who to her, was just like Emmett.

But Esme was right. Emmett was more than just a tough young man. So Emmett had spent the last four days thinking about himself. Trying to figure things out. So far he hadn't really come up with much.

Rosalie leaned down and kissed his cheek. "I still think you should talk to Jasper."

Day Five came and Emmett was still lying on his bed.

"You're turning into Edward," someone said. Emmett turned his head to the side. Jasper's favorite armchair from the living room was now in Emmett and Rosalie's room. Jasper was sitting in the chair behind a copy of The Seattle Times. The headline was: "Police Baffled By Latest Bloodless Victim"

"I am not turning into Edward," Emmett snapped, already feeling better. "Dammit, you're screwing with my emotions!" Even with Jasper's influence, his 'existential quandary' wasn't better, he just felt less like death warmed over. (Emmett was death, technically, but maybe death frozen over. Okay, so the analogy doesn't quite work. The point is, Emmett still felt crappy.)

Jasper lowered one corner of his newspaper and regarded his brother. "I can't deal with you being emo."

"I'm not emo."

This time, the entire newspaper was folded and set on the floor. "You've been in your room for five days thinking about who you are. Next thing you're going to say is that no one understands you. Yes, you're emo, and yes, I'm screwing with your emotions. I wouldn't want to be in the same room with you otherwise."

'That's fine for you to say. You aren't like me. You don't understand me."

Jasper's glare intensified. To be fair to Emmett, the second the words left his lips, he knew how stupid they sounded. "I mean..."

"You mean you're a sad little emo?" Jasper suggested.

"No."

"Say, 'I'm a sad little emo' and I'll help you."

"No."

"Fine, then, I'll just leave then, shall I?" Jasper began, picking his newspaper up. Immediately, Emmett felt his wave of hopelessness come flooding back.

"I'm a sad little emo," mumbled Emmett.

"What, sorry? I didn't quite catch that."

"I'M A SAD LITTLE EMO!" he shouted, his resolve broken.

"Now say, 'Jasper is super-sexy, I wish I could be like him.'"

Emmett threw the first thing he could lay his hands on at Jasper. Unfortunately, this was Rosalie's panties. Jasper picked them up gingerly, glanced at them, and tossed them in the corner. "I never knew you wore women's underwear," he said.

"I hate you."

"Or do you think I'm super-sexy? I heard you thought I was super-sexy."

"Did you come in here to help me or not?"

"Emmett, I don't think your problem is that serious," said Jasper, but it was with a hint of patience.

"Do you ever wonder who you are? What you want?"

"No."

"But… I feel like I don't know anything about myself. I mean, I know stuff, but it's all really superficial… and what Esme was saying, about me being a stereotype of maleness… and maybe she's right."

"You're worried you're a stereotype?"

"Yes…er…no. I know I'm not a stereotype, but I'm worried that I might seem that way."

"I don't see you as a stereotype."

"Right, yeah, okay, maybe that's not what I meant. Maybe what I mean is that… okay, so I'm really tough, right?"

"Yes."

"But then, underneath, I'm really nice and stuff."

"Nice and stuff?" Jasper teased, but Emmett knew that Jasper was following him. Rosalie had been right, it was helping him to talk it through with Emmett.

"Because I'm the protective, fun uncle to Nessie," Emmett paused. This was the part that got tricky. "But… that can't be all I am, right? I can't just be tough but nice and sometimes say funny things…"

"I wouldn't call them funny," Jasper mumbled.

"Is that all I am?"

"Em, I don't know why you are so worried about this."

"That's easy for you to say, you've got more layers, you're like… an onion."

"Oh god, not the onion metaphor."

"You're all pretty on the outside, but then you have a hard time resisting human blood, because you're actually all badass and used to have armies of newborns, but then you're married to Alice, and like…. I don't know, you seem more….developed."

Jasper sighed, which of course was intentional, because vampires don't actually sigh like humans do.

"Stop worrying, Emmett. I'm no more 'developed' than you are, and honestly, none of that matters."

Emmett bit his lip, another intentional gesture. What he was about to say was something that had been bothering him since his conversation with Esme. "Edward's not like that."

"Of course he's not. He's 'the prefect man.'" Jasper put great scorn into his air-quotes.

"Huh?"

"Edward. That's why he seems more defined than us. That's why you don't feel as put together as he is. He's just sort of meant to be perfect, whereas you and I are there more in the background. But if you think about it," Jasper said, with the tone of someone who clearly had thought about it, who had been here, and had decided it wasn't worth worrying about anymore. "if you think about it, he's not really any different from us. Seriously. Try describing him."

"He's got liquid topaz eyes?" Emmett suggested.

"And?"

"…." Emmett couldn't think of anything else to say, but in order to cover, he changed the subject.

"And you guys all have powers and stuff thatI don't…."

"Emmett, would trying to discover your power make you feel more defined?" Jasper suggested gently.

"I don't have a power. Just super-strength."

"Of course you have a power. Everyone in this family has a power. And super-strength doesn't count. All vampires have that."

Emmett thought about that. "So if I find my secret super power, then I'll know who I am?"

Jasper nodded. Of course it was not that simple. But Jasper was willing to tell Emmett anything he wanted to hear that would get him out of his pathetic little emo quandary.

Emmett had a mission. Find his secret super power. Easy, right?

The sun had never been brighter, the night had never been deeper, Rosalie had never been more beautiful, Nessie more fun, his truck so amazing, blood so rich…. Emmett was having the time of his life, er, unlife.

But after a week, nothing had occurred to Emmett. Every day Emmett made love to Rosalie, sat around teasing Jasper, made faces behind Edward's back, played with Nessie, went on stupid errands for Carlisle, who seemed to have an endless supply of things for him to pick up from the store, and… thought. And pestered everyone with various theories about what his secret power might be.

"I've got it!" he said to Alice, Jasper and Rosalie one day, as they sat in the living room helping Nessie with a craft project for Girl Scouts. She was making a first aid kit. "I'm impervious to weather conditions!"

"All vampires are," mumbled Jasper. Rosalie patted Emmett's hand.

"DAMMIT!" he swore. "Are you sure?"

Jasper nodded. Emmett pulled a notebook out of his back-pocket and wrote "impervious to weather conditions" on a list of rejected superpowers. Other entries to the list include "naturally tasting like cookie dough" and "able to change gender at will."

There was silence for a few moments and then Nessie spoke. "Our merit badge for next week is on Mountainerring."

"Well, you should be good at that, what with all our camping trips," said Alice happily. Nessie finally having something to do outside of the house was putting everyone in a good mood. It's not that they didn't love babysitting her, it just made them all sad when she'd play chess with herself for hours. Until a month ago, Bella and Edward had been too scared to let her out of the house without them.

"We were talking about important safety for camping trips, and we were talking about how to avoid bear attacks," Nessie continued happily. "And I said my uncle had been mauled by a bear and my leader asked if he would come in and talk to us all about it. Uncle Emmett?"

"What?" Emmett had not been paying attention. He had been trying to see if telekinesis was his secret power by trying to remove Rosalie's shirt with his mind. It wasn't working.

"Will you come talk to my Troop about bears?"

"They taste good," said Emmett.

"I don't think that's what Nessie's leader had in mind," Alice said.

"Oh, right. Um," Emmett thought about it. "No. I'm sorry honey, but I don't think your dad would approve." And it was true. Edward was very worried that the family secret might be discovered as a result of Nessie's new attempt at Having a Life.

"Uncle Em, if you help me and my friends get the Bear Safety portion of our mountaineering Merit Badge, I will do everything in my power to help you find your secret power."

"Done."

"Uncle Jasper, Auntie Alice and Auntie Rose?" Nessie said sweetly. "Let's all not tell daddy about this." There was no way Edward would want Emmett to talk about his miraculous survival of the bear attack to non-vampires.

"I think he's pretty distracted just at the moment. I mean, his emotions feel…unusual," said Jasper. He could feel Edward approaching the main house, and he was something like angry. Edward, angry? Was Bella in danger?

The door flew open and Edward appeared in the living room.

"That's it!" he said to Nessie. "No more internet!" You may recall, from the previous chapter, that one of the scenarios which Nessie could make friends was by having unrestricted internet access. Instead, Edward had allowed her some internet access, but he had been following up by checking out the websites she visited later. He read that it was important in a parenting magazine.

Nessie said nothing.

"What's wrong?" asked Emmett, who liked taking Nessie's side against Edward.

"Nessie, would you leave Daddy alone with your aunts and uncles so we can talk about grown up things?" said Edward in a tone that implied a lecture on Virtue was just around the corner. Nessie did not seem sad to leave.

When she was gone, Edward turned to his family. "Sex."

"What?" demanded Rosalie.

"On the internet. There is sex on the internet and its hurting my daughter's virtue."

"Oh my god, stop the presses, sex on the internet. I had no idea!" gasped Emmett, while Jasper suggested they call the Seattle Times to notify them of Edward's shocking discovery.

"So you know how Nessie read all those Harry Potter books?" Edward continued. The others nodded. Emmett had also read them because since Nessie used to have no friends, she had no one to talk about the books with. "Well," Edward continued, "she's been looking up Harry Potter websites on the internet, and….some of them have these things called 'fanfics'"

"That sounds like a disease," Rosalie interjected, sounding bored. "Like rickets."

Edward ignored her. "They're…stories, although most of them barely qualify as that, that people write about Harry Potter characters and about other characters from books and films and such."

"I don't see what's bad about that," said Alice, "I think it's good that young people have a creative outlet."

"But some of them are about sex!" said Edward. "And not always between married people!"

"What, so someone's out there sitting at a laptop writing, 'then Ron did Hermione hard, and it was before the wedding'?" asked Emmett, snickering. Jasper, too, was smirking, mostly because he thought it was funny that Emmett knew Harry Potter characters off the top of his head. But also because Edward's prudishness never failed to amuse.

"That's not the worst of it!" said Edward, winding himself up into even more of a passion. "Some of them are not approved couples!"

"Non-cannon!" shouted Nessie from the other room. "The non-cannon ones are the best!"

"What do you mean, not approved couples?" asked Rosalie.

"Like…I don't know, people who the original author didn't intend to be together!" Edward couldn't really give an example, because he didn't know anything about Harry Potter, but Nessie shouted "like Harry and Draco!" from the next room. Emmett, the only one who had read the books, found that pretty funny.

"Why is that a problem?" said Jasper.

Edward took a deep breath. "That's not how it's supposed to be. You aren't supposed to just write stories about people having sex," he whispered the word since he knew Nessie was listening in, "and certainly not if they aren't married, or if they aren't even supposed to be together. Each person has his or her intended mate, and you aren't allowed to talk about other pairs!"

"And because of this you're banning Nessie from the Internet?" asked Alice.

"Yes. I thought Harry Potter was just a harmless pastime, but it's a gateway into unconventional sexual pairings! I see now the dangers of the internet!"

"You know that by banning her from going online you're just going to make it more attractive to her?" Jasper said. Jasper was exactly right. In the coming weeks, that would be exactly what would happen. Nessie would sneak internet access while at her friends' houses. But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

"I still don't understand the issue," said Alice. "What exactly is non-cannon?"

"People who aren't supposed to be together, together," said Edward, struggling to think of an example that they'd understand. "Okay. Right. You know how Nessie and Jacob are soul mates? Well, it be like someone out there writing a story about Jacob and…." Edward thought for a second, "Jacob and Leah. Having sex. And not being married. Now do you see how wrong it is?"

"Frankly, I find that less inappropriate than a story about Jacob having sex with Nessie," said Rosalie. "I mean, she's three."

Edward had turned a funny shade of green at this. He was evidently stuck between sex-before-marriage-is-wrong and Jacob-and-my-daughter-is-wrong.

"Okay, well, glad we got that straightened up," said Alice. "This is awkward for everyone involved. Let's just all be grateful we're real people and not characters in books or movies. I think it would be dreadful for people to write about that kind of thing."

Emmett wasn't really listening anymore, though. He was wondering what people would write about him. He couldn't really imagine what they'd say, and like Alice, was very grateful to be a real person and not a character that some sad person would spend hours writing about on the internet.

Everyone seemed to be lost in thought, worrying about who they might be paired with if they were fictional characters. So it was a completely silent room that Carlisle entered. "Anyone want to go to the store and pick up a new pink highlighter for me?"

None of his children said anything. "Okay, good, Emmett, I think it's your turn.

"Does anyone else have any questions for our visitor?" asked Nessie's Girl Scout Leader a week later.

"Mr. Emmett," one girl said in an annoying-child-voice, "if you were mauled by a bear, why didn't you die?"

"Because I am incredibly badass," said Emmett after a moment. He smirked. Edward couldn't complain about that. Protecting the family secret and keeping his niece happy, all at once. Not that it really mattered what Edward thought; he had no idea that Emmett was doing this.

About a hundred hands shot up into the air. "I think that's all the time Mr. Cullen has for us today!" said the Leader hurriedly.

After Girl Scouts, Nessie asked Emmett if she could hang out with her friends for a few hours. Emmett told her he'd pick her up later, but reminded her, in hushed undertones, about her promise.

"Yes, Uncle Emmett, I will do everything I can to help you. Tonight we can make a list of even more super-powers and start testing them to see which one you have."

But they had to stop their conversation, because Nessie's Leader walked up to them. "Vanessa, it was really nice to finally meet someone from your family!"

"Didn't Esme, Nessie's grandmother, pick her up last week?" asked Emmett.

"Oh, yes, that's right," said the woman. "I don't remember your grandmother at all," she added to Nessie.

Nessie nodded. "A lot of people say that."

When the leader moved away, Emmett hissed, "why did she called you 'Vanessa?'"

Nessie looked the picture of guilt. "I might have told her Nessie was short for Vansessa." A pause, and then, "I mean, wouldn't you?"

Emmett couldn't argue.

Later, Emmett was driving back to the house, figuring he could just ask Edward or Bella to pick up Nessie from her friends… since they were her parents….when he thought he saw something suspicious in the bushes by the road. Which was impressive considering how fast he was driving. Being bored, he decided to investigate. He slammed on the breaks and reversed. When he got out of the car, he found….

….Jacob Black?

"Furball?" Emmett asked.

"No, it's not Jacob. There's no one here. Move along," said Jacob Black from where he was hiding.

"Dog, seriously, why are you hiding in the bushes?"

"You wouldn't understand!" shouted Jake.

"I just spent an hour and a half talking to Nessie's Girl Scout Troop about how to avoid bear attacks."

Jacob's head appeared from behind a bush. "Wow. Your life sucks."

"Bite me," said Emmett.

"I'm not a leech."

"What? Oh." There was a pause. "So why were you in the bushes?"

"This is awkward," said Jacob. "I was hiding from you."

"Why?"

"I saw a car coming really fast and I figured it was Edward. I just don't really want to see him right now."

"So why are you hiding from Edward?"

Normally, Jacob wouldn't have told him. But there was something about Emmett that made Jake realize that they were both feeling pretty down. "Um…it's personal."

"I won't tell Edward."

Jacob stared at the ground. "I haven't been around your house much, lately…"

"Yeah, I noticed. Now I've got babysitting duty." Stupid furball, letting his duties slide.

"Yeah, uh…God this is awkward. Okay, so um, I've been having these… feelings…

lately."

"Dude, you sound like you're going through puberty!" Emmett laughed. Then he saw the look on Jacob's face. "Oh my god, you sick pervert!" and he punched him.

"Ouch!" Jacob gingerly tried to rearrange his nose so that it would heal straight. "Not like that! Not about Nessie!"

"So…what's the big deal?"

"When I imprinted, I lost all that…"

"Because Nessie is a child."

"Yeah. But like, lately it has been coming back."

"Nice choice of "it." But if it's not about Nessie, who is it about?"

"That's not the point. I just don't think I should be around Edward right now. I don't think he'd take kindly to me having thoughts of that nature since I'm imprinted on Nessie."

"So who is causing these thoughts? Is it a specific girl or just women in general?"

"That's not the point."

"So it's a specific girl."

"I'm not going to talk to you anymore."

"What's her name?"

"Go away, leech."

Just then, across the road, Leah Clearwater walked by. She looked at Emmett and Jacob and treated them to an offensive hand gesture. "Damn men!" she shouted.

Jacob made a sort of choking noise.

"What's wrong?" asked Emmett. "Oh…God…Really?! The lady-wolf?!"

"SHUT UP!"

Later, as he was driving home, Emmett had a sudden flash. "What if my super power is that I am an insanely good match-maker?" He vowed then and there to find out.

Later, when he told Rosalie his new theory, she showed great restraint in not laughing.

Reviews are love. Join us next time for more of Esme's strange power, for Carlisle's weird requests and for Emmett's attempt at being a matchmaker! Is that really his super power? Nessie doesn't think so…