Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything you recognize and things you don't recognize.
1 - The one
I see you standing here. But you're so far away. Starving for your attention – you don't even know my name. You're going through so much, but I know that I could be the one to hold you.
He didn't smile a lot anymore.
That's what she missed most about him; his beautiful, beautiful smile.
It hadn't always been like this, he hadn't always been this miserable. He used to smile all the time. Like there was always a reason to smile, as if the world was just one happy place. She used to be annoyed that he always looked so happy. Now she'd do almost anything to have those smiles back in her life.
Especially the one he'd always saved for her.
She loved that smile. His eyes would sparkle in a way that would turn his hazel eyes into deep gold, the corner of his mouth would curl a little - as if they shared a secret no one else knew about.
She had hated it. The thought of sharing something with him had made her sick.
How strange that she now desperately wanted to know his secrets, be a part of his life.
She wasn't entirely sure when all of this had begun, or with what. But as she surveyed him on the couch across the room, she decided that it was most probably the attraction that had made her like this.
When he came back in fifth year he'd grown several inches over the summer, his normally fair skin wa tanned from being outside. His muscles just visible beneath the crisp, white shirt and his eyes darker than before – more mature, more dangerous.
The heat that pooled into her stomach like liquid fire whenever their eyes connected had soon turned into an every day occurrence. It was attraction; pure attraction. Or at least so she told herself when he did not quite meet her eye and her stomach folded into uncomfortable knots.
But how could she not be attracted to him? She wasn't the only one by far. Girls all over school swooned over him, and it wasn't long before he got quite the reputation.
Oh the things she heard about him in the girls' bathroom... It only made her want him more.
But the thing that finally brought her over the edge was the big fight he had with Sirius at the end of their fifth year, right before her big fight with him.
The dark shadows she'd seen in his eyes took over him. She wasn't meant to see that fight. No one really was.
Somehow it ended with the entire school watching.
James was shouting at Sirius. Sirius was crying, trying to talk, but James was furious. Darkness invaded his body. He was shouting, he was beyond angry... And then he hit Sirius; square in the face, blood flooding from his nose. Suddenly it was all over, the darkness seemed to leave his body and he was staring, transfixed, at his now bloody hand.
She never did get to know what that was all about. But they fixed it, James and Sirius. They mended their friendship.
But Lily couldn't get him off of her mind.
If she thought it was bad before, she was sadly mistaken. He was everywhere now. Wherever she went he was always on her mind, always present in his own mysterious way.
In sixth year he started to slack off on his school work as well. He'd always been a bit careless; always in the middle of everything, always in the centre of attention, always on the way to trouble. Never quite there, never quite crossing that invisible line from mysterious Marauder to troublesome bad guy. He was well beyond that point now.
He was constantly ditching classes, rumour had it he'd started doing drugs and by the red eyes and slow talk he and some of his girlfriends used sometimes it wasn't that hard to believe. It didn't stop there though; he was drunk on Wednesdays, he rarely – if ever – did his homework and the amount of girls that came and went in their Head Dormitory was bordering on ridicolous.
McGonagall tried talking to him. How could her top student come to this? When that effort was fruitless Flitwick tried talking to him, then Slughorn, Madame Pomfrey... everyone.
Everyone except Dumbledore. It was like he understood something the others didn't. She desperately wished she understood that too.
As they were in the middle of their first semester their seventh year, he was even darker.
The darkness in his eyes was somehow taking over the soft hazel she loved so much, turning them into a scary black. It was a wonder he was even Head Boy, he hadn't exactly gotten better.
Neither had she.
She was so painfully obviously in love with him she didn't know what to do.
It killed her to see him make out with girls in the corridors, it destroyed her to hear him and all his girls in the room next to her. She got hurt when she could smell his drunken breath when he'd passed out on the couch in the common room, or when his room smelled of unknown substances which made his dark eyes glaze over. She wanted to help him.
She needed to help him.
No, he didn't smile anymore, rarely anyway. It had stopped about the time he stopped asking her out.
She was sitting in the library, trying to do her Transfiguration homework, but her mind always kind of drifted to him. It was simple things, really, that diverted her attention. Like how the colour of ink was the same as his hair, or the golden letters on the back of a book that glistened the way his eyes did when he was in a good mood. She'd gotten so far into her fantasies, that when he showed up she wasn't sure if she was hallucinating at first. He had to say hello two times and smile tentatively before she believed he was real.
"Hey," he greeted her for the third time and she smiled back (finally), unable to stop herself.
"Hi."
"Am I disturbing you? You looked pretty into it." he said and she blushed.
"No, no, I was thinking about… other things."
"Do you mind if I sit, then?" he asked, pointing at a chair opposite her.
"Not at all." she said, gesturing for him to sit down.
"What are you working on?" he asked, peering at her papers.
"Transfiguration." she replied, scowling.
"What?" he said, smiling. She loved his smile. She would do anything to keep that smile on his face.
"What do you mean 'what'?" she said, smiling too.
"You've got that look on your face. That look you get when you think about something awful, like me."
"I look like that when I think of you?" she asked, stunned. How did he know that she was thinking about him anyways?
"Actually, I have no idea." he admitted, laughing slightly. It was music in her ears.
"Well, I don't look like that when I think about you." she said, then blushed at her words. "Not that I, you know, know what I look like when I think about you, or think about you, I mean-"
"Evans, you're babbling again." he said, grinning. His dark eyes sparkling with something foreign, something she hadn't seen in them for a long time, almost making them hazel again.
Well, if babbling made him look like that she vowed to always babble in his presence.
"What I meant is that I don't think you're awful. And I had that look on my face because I think Transfiguration is awful."
"You do?"
"Yes, I do. I'm worthless at it."
"You don't give yourself enough credit." he said, serious now, the shadows darkening his eyes again.
"Would it make your eyes sparkle again if I gave myself more credit?" she blurted out, flushing red but steadily meeting his eyes.
His look pierced through her, making every nerve in her body ten times more sensitive.
"It's worth a try." he said slowly.
"Okay then." she said. Then she hesitated a moment before continuing, her red face clashing horribly with her hair. "And what can I do to make you smile?"
"You could call me James."
"Okay, but you'll have to call me my real name too."
"Which is?" he said, grinning.
"Very funny, James." she said, terrified that he might not know her name.
"I'm just kidding, Lily." he said, tasting her name on his tongue. It sent shivers down her spine, and all she wanted to do was throw herself on him and kiss the mouth she had been dreaming of since she was fifteen.
Their eyes locked, and her breathing became heavier.
He was the one who snapped out of it first.
"Right, I'd better be going. Good luck with your homework." he said, rising to leave.
She wanted to stretch out her hand and make him stay. But she just nodded.
"Yeah, thanks. See you around, James."
His face broke into that special smile, the smile he reserved for her, and her breath hitched in her throat.
And then he was gone, like he'd never even been there.
That night she cried herself to sleep, her silent tears accompanied by the stifled moans from his bedroom, making her sick. Jealousy ripped through her body as she heard his voice say something to whoever it was in there. She couldn't help wishing she was the one in his bed pressed against his sheets by his body weight.
Finally they stopped and Lily let the silence and darkness in the room take over her body. She slowly realised why James let the darkness invade his body. It was a nice, cool and calming feeling. It didn't hurt, it didn't haunt - it only chilled.
A/N: So James is dark, I bet you didn't see that one coming? He's actually quite nice in this chapter, but don't worry, he gets worse ;P
Thank you to everyone who reviewed, they do make me very happy! So don't forget to do so this time also, and give me your thoughts on how you think it's processing, is it up to your expectations? Is it not what you wanted? Leave a review and say something :)
Oh, and also, the lyrics in the beginning are from the song "Yours to hold" by Skillet, which I definetly do not own, but dearly love :)