I know you are in heaven
He knew that she was gone, knew that when she'd walked into that diner a few months ago she probably never really had any intentions of coming out again. Not when she knew what was at stake. Not when she knew the kind of death that awaited her later. She had been the kind of woman who always knew what she wanted, and at times when he remembered her he couldn't help but think that her death too, had been on her own terms.
I know you're only a heartbeat away
He rubbed the old scar on his shoulder, a souvenir from the events that had occurred before she had waltzed back into his life again. As he did so he remembered Ari and the loathing he felt towards him, even now, and once he began down that track he couldn't stop remembering all the people that he'd lost in his life, too many than was fair. Men he'd served with, brave men, patriotic men, men killed in the line duty. Shannon and Kelly, his family, his life, robbed from him. Kate, a brilliant agent, a wonderful person, again someone else that he felt had died because of his failures. And Jenny. The only person that had ever really come close. The person that had died so that he could live. He rubbed a hand over his face trying to wipe the memories away but taking from them the reiteration that life could change in a second. In the length of a heartbeat your whole world could be flipped upside down.
I know that you can hear me, many things I have wanted to say
As he lovingly applied the finishing touches to the boat in his basement he let his mind wonder to her. The way she had changed him, just by being in his life. There were so many things he had never gotten the chance to tell her and now, he reflected wistfully, he never would. However, he hadn't ever been one to talk to dead, preferring to leave that to his old friend. He smiled as his thoughts drifted to Ducky, momentarily lifting the pain that thinking about her always brought. He stepped back to admire his handiwork, The Jenny. He smiled and closed his eyes and whispered into the empty room.
"I miss you Jen..."
How I understand you, more and more each day
As he looked around the bullpen at his team he couldn't help but chuckle at their immature antics. He watched as Ziva and Tony huddled close together whispering secretively casting occasional glances over to McGee, no doubt plotting their next prank. Despite the fact that he often felt like an elementary school principle he knew just how good his team were. Skilled. Determined. And loyal to a fault. He remembered their broken faces when they'd been reassigned. Like him unable to imagine not working together. Not able to move onwards and upwards because of that fierce loyalty they held to him. And to one and other. His eyes drifted over each of them in turn wondering if their talents were not necessarily being wasted with him but rather not reaching their full potential, and as the thought struck him he thought of Jenny, and why she'd left him all those years ago, she'd needed to do what was best for her.
Your words are spoken through me in your ways
and though you cannot be with me, you're never far away
You are in the air breathe today
He walked through the empty squad room late in the evening, the last of the days sun streaming in through the windows, creating a calm that was never there in the hustle and bustle of the working hours. He climbed the steps slowly, his fingers trailing along the banister, a case file gripped tightly in the other hand. He walked along the catwalk and remembered the way she used to stand there, watching over them, he felt his spine tingle as he remembered the way that he could always feel her eyes on him and the way that had made him feel. As he stepped through into her office, because it would always be her office, his steps faltered at the magnificent view that opened out from the windows. He closed his eyes for a second, imagining her standing there behind her desk, back towards him, staring out at the spectacle before her. He could smell the flowery scent of her perfume mixed with the aroma of a sweet combination of bourbon and coffee.
I know you are in heaven
I feel like you are watching me now
As he retreated from her office and made his way back along the catwalk, down the stairs and settled at his desk he felt as though her eyes were tracing his footsteps. He picked up the coffee cup nestled amongst the piles of paperwork that surrounded him. It hand long ago gone cold but with a shrug he raised it to his lips and drained the remaining liquid.
I wonder what you're thinking
I wonder if I still furrow your brow
The dark night sky was punctated with dazzlingly bright stars, shining clearly in the cloudless sky. It seemed that once she'd reentered his thoughts she was never far away. He wondered what she was doing now, if she was laughing down at him frantically trying to find a decent coffee shop still open at this ungodly hour. He shook his head to disperse the thoughts, they were no good, she was gone and that was that.
Though the words would fail you, the times you tried to say
just how much I meant to you those days
As he settled back into his car with a fresh cup in his hand he remembered the tension that had followed them wherever they went those first few weeks when he came to terms with the facts that she was now his boss. He remembered the way that day by day things hadn't really seemed to change but suddenly one day everything was different. The dynamics of their relationship had shifted. There was no more anger. Just acceptance that the past was exactly that, the past. He remembered the way they had progressed forward, slipping easily into that old familiarity. The way they could communicate without words baffling his team much to their shared amusement. The way she could not only tolerate but enjoy his taste in coffee which she showed frequently by taking a steaming cup from his hand to take a few sips before passing it back. The way she always rolled her eyes when he turned up with take out and a bottle of bourbon but smiled brightly all the same. He remembered the times she'd tried to explain, the times that for whatever reason words had for once failed her, the times he had interrupted her before she even got the chance to start, the times when he felt her eyes upon him and he just knew how much he had meant to her. How much they had meant to each other. How much, despite everything that had happened they still did.
I will not forget the kindness the debt I can't repay
I know you would have wanted it that way
For a long time he had been angry with her. For leaving him the way she did. Without a goodbye. Again. As time went by though and as he became consumed with getting his team back, of comforting Abby and holding her in his arms long after the tears had ran out and of longs nights in his basement with Ducky sharing a scotch and a companionable silence. He'd come to realize what she had sacrificed herself for. It was for them as much as for him. That had been Jenny though, it had been just one of the many things that made her unique. He would never be able to thank her for saving his life, didn't think he'd have the words to if he did. He had a feeling that she wouldn't want his thanks though, she wouldn't accept repayment, she would see it as not losing one life but saving another.
I know you are in heaven
I know I must keep moving along
the path to greater meaning, till I find where I truly belong
As he treaded the comforting steps down to his basement, too many hours of the night gone to get any sleep, he felt her invade his senses as he ran his hand tenderly along the hull of the boat. He knew he had to move on. He knew it was what she would have wanted.
But there's one persistent question that keeps me coming back to you
Was there really nothing I could do?
While I try to find the answer in phase that I pass through, you know it's strange but I grow more and more like you
Yet as he traced the letters of her name, bold, black and glistening in the dully lit basement he couldn't let her go. She had died alone. He hadn't been there to save her. Had there really been nothing he could do? Had she taken all his options away from him? Had she known that had he realized her motives he never would have left her side? Before long dawn was upon him, the sounds of life stirring outside, the light beginning to stream weakly through the windows. He leaned his forehead against the cool of his boat and drew in a long and deep breath, eyes closed, shrugging the built up tension from his shoulders. He stood there as memories came and went, her presence in his mind beginning to fade a little.
I know you are in heaven
I know you're only a heartbeat away
The ringing of his cell phone broke into the silence, the spell in the room crashed around him and brought him out of reverie.
"Gibbs... Ok I'll be there in twenty."
The last memory of her slipped from his mind as he looked one more time at the name standing out on the boat. He would be back soon though, free to loose himself in memories of her again, but first he had work to do. Because if the events in his life had taught him anything it was that it went on. No matter how much you wanted to stop and go back for what you'd lost, no matter how much you tried to deny it, no matter how much you'd tried to keep it from happening, life went on.
As he ducked under the yellow tape at the crime scene, his eyes were drawn to the pool of blood surrounding the lifeless body of a young man. Pale and limp, with eyes glazed over, his body riddled with bullets but even in the wake of death a photo of a baby girl still gripped firmly in his hand. He thought again about how quickly life could change. It could change in a second. In the length of a heartbeat your whole world could be flipped upside down.
He knew you never forgot the people that you had loved and lost but as he'd come to realize those very same people wouldn't want you to waste your life by not letting them go, not completely but enough to move on because as he knew too well life was too short, they might only be a heartbeat away.