Healing Time

"Everybody deserves a second chance."

I know she didn't hear what I really wanted her to hear when I said that. Why should she? I have so far prided myself for giving no indication as to wanting anything more. She got a second chance today with me, because of my feelings for her. Were it any other doctor she may not have been fired because the patient lived but she would have been on very thin ice. I can't help but forgive her. I was so angry with her, but I knew, before she told me, I knew she was reliving those days. I know it was hard on her. I also know she thought it was different until that moment that I pulled her off of him.

I wish she knew that I had many meanings for my statement. They deserved a second chance at having kids. She deserved a second chance at doing her job, which we all know is actually her one hundred and second. She deserved a second chance at life, love. I wanted to be that second chance. I can't tell her that.

It killed me to see her with him today. I know it was all just a ruse. I know that she was trying to do the right thing. It was hard for me to watch her go through that again, the role of the scared and concerned wife, she knows it too well. I was jealous of a dying man and his relationship with her, and though it wasn't real, it was a role I knew too well. How sick is that to envy a dying man? Not the fake husband but the real one, because if I am honest with myself, that is when it all started. My feelings for her developed first out of a deeper friendship but I realized I would be lucky to find a woman as wonderful as the one Michael had found. Then I realized she was one of a kind.

Michael didn't help matters by telling me to take care of her and Camille. He trusted me, so deeply so he left his most important and prized possession in my care, his family. He often asked me why I wasn't married, because it was the best thing that ever happened to him, she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me that she was the reason he became a family man. He never thought of it before then, marriage. I know that she is the best thing to ever happen to me, and thought I have always wanted a family; she changed my ideas about how I planned to go about that. I can't help but feel incredibly guilty, because I feel as though I am betraying my friend, and most importantly his trust.

Here I was today thing some similar thoughts some new ones. Like how dare he claim her as his wife when I am next in line? She is mine, not his. Yet, she isn't mine, she never has been. Though I must confess, as angry and jealous it made me at how easily she assumed the role, it made me fall for her harder. That care and compassion she shows as a mate. I can only hope that she will someday show that to me.

I remember speaking with Michael one night a week before he died. We convinced Christina to go home and get some sleep, but only on the promise that I wouldn't leave his side in her stead.

"She's beautiful isn't she?" How could he know I was beginning to feel for her? Have I let it show?

"Yes." I know it came out strangled, but I think in his weak and tired state he didn't notice.

"I tell you, Tom, if you ever find a woman that makes you feel so strong even when you are weak, one who drives you crazy but you can't stand to be mad at her for more than a minute. You fight for her; you fight to get her, to keep her, to live for her. I've told you before, that I never wanted to get married or have children, and then I met Christina. I have made mistakes, big ones. I never told her but I suppose she has the right to know, and I plan to. Some mistakes are inexcusable. I treated her in ways no woman should be treated, most of all one as special as her. I hope she will be able to forgive me. She is an amazing and frightful woman. She seems strong, but she can be weak. She needs someone that can put her in her place sometimes. You are good at that. Camille is going to be a lot of trouble for her, and she will need a male around to look after her as a father would. She likes you and respects you as much as a teenager can. Tom, I need you to promise me something, I need you to look after them, care for them. Can you do that for me? Please?"

"I can try."

"Promise me."

"I promise. I will look after them."

So far I have been able to keep that promise. I want to continue to, but I fear that if I try and move from the friendship we have, I may lose her for good. Still, she deserves a second chance even if that isn't me she deserves it. I just want her to be happy.