Disclaimer: See chapter 1
A/N: Thanks to the people who reviewed the prologue, they keep me going on writing and thanks to my beta Vikki138! All mistakes contained are mine!
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Chapter 1: Letters
It´s been three days since we left you and I don´t think Katie has ever cried as much as during this time. She knows something is missing just like I do and it breaks my heart to see her this way. Everytime I look at her I see Hailey which is not very suprising considering they look the same. At least if you don´t know them that well. I wonder how you two are doing. I bet you take good care of her, but anyway, I´m concerned. Has it really been the right choice to do this, I ask myself over and over again. But it´s to late now to turn back and so I tell myself it´s all for the best.
Katie and I arrived at my friends Louisa´s two days ago. I may have told you about her sometime, she´s a college friend of mine who lives in Boston and that´s were we are right now. I´m probably never going to send this letter so I can tell you all this. My PEAP counselor once said it would be therapeutic to write letters even if they are not send afterwards so I´m doing exactly that.
So we are living at Louisa´s for a few weeks until I´ve found an apartment. She absolutely adores Katie and has proposed to watch her while I search for a job. I need to find one now that I don´t have a partner who works to earn money for us. But I have saved up enough to last at least three month without any problems and I hope by then I´ll have found a job at a lab or maybe at a university. Louisa thinks we´re nuts to do this, but she seems to understand nontheless and I´m grateful that she does not question my choice too much.
Katie just woke up and is crying again, so I´ll have to run...I still love you Gil, even if I didn´t tell you so. Sara.
It´s been three days since you two left us and Hailey hasn´t stopped crying except for the few times when she falls asleep out of exhaustion. She knows something is missing just like I do. I miss you two more than I ever thought possible. I took a vacation from work for a few weeks to get my act back together. Catherine came over yesterday to demand an explanation about my sudden leave (you know how she is) and she thinks we are nuts for doing this. But she has seen us both suffer because of our...relationship so she at least seems to understand our choice a bit. Of course she told the others (well, somebody had to) and they are all a bit off ever since...but they´ll probably accept our decision. They´ll have to after all. Brass came by this morning to check up on me but he left rather soon as Hailey wouldn´t stop crying and he saw I was busy trying to keep my calm.
I wonder where you and Katie are. I could search for you, but I won´t. We have made this deal and it´s for the best, at least that´s what I tell myself.
I even try to tell myself I write this letter out of therapeutic reasons but the truth is I hope that one day I can send it to you.
Sara, I love you, I really do and at the moment I have no idea how to go on without you and Katie.
Gil
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Dear Grissom,
I haven´t written to you since that first letter month ago which I still have in a drawer somewehre, but today Katie made her first steps and it made me think. Does Hailey walk already? Does she smile a lot? Is the ladybug still her favourite stuffed animal?
Katie smiles a lot but only if she´s around people she knows, like Louisa who babysits her three times a week now while I work at the university (I give lectures in physics and forensics) or like Brandon who is a colleague and by now a pretty good friend of mine. Doesn´t know about you and Hailey. Louisa is the only one who knows and I want it to stay that way. You are a part of my past which I am trying hard to move away from (without much success I have to admit. But how could I ever expect to forget you and my other daughter?).
Last week Katie said her first word, you would not believe it, but it was bug. Why can´t she just say mommy first, like all the other children? She´s just like her dad which makes it so much more difficult to forget you.
But I want to,I really do, because then my heart would maybe stop to ache.
Sara.
Dear Sara,
Today Hailey spoke her first word and of course it made me think of you and Katie again. I wonder if she talks already and if she walks like Hailey does. You wanna know what she said? We were on the playground and a little boy fell from the swing and of course began to cry and call for his mommy. Hailey looked at me, smiled and actually said "mommy". Why can´t her first word be daddy? I wish it wouldn´t make my heart bleed still when I think about you but of course it does and as she repeats the word over and over I´m hurting pretty much at the moment. I bet Katie´s first word was Mommy too. Or at least I hope it was because I know that´d make you happy. I wonder if you think about us as much as I think about you.
I´m working normally again, have for a few month now and luckily I have found a good babysitter for Hailey at night. Her name´s Marissa, she´s still very young but really good with kids and I´m sure you´d like her if you met her.
I need to head to get back to work now because I´m writing this while I should be doing paperwork (you know how I am).
I miss you. Gil
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