Chapter 2

I sat in my car for thirty minutes at the end of the block, trying to talk myself out of going back and crawling into my bed. I was so angry with James. I was so hurt, but I was scared too. What was I supposed to do now? I mean, was it even possible to recover from this? For us? Could I go on being married to someone who could cheat on me? The easy answer was, no. The realistic answer was, maybe. Maybe we could go to counseling and work past the hurt his betrayal had caused. I felt pretty certain that I couldn't ever really forgive him. I was almost positive that even if I did forgive him that I would always wonder about his ability to stay true to me. I was pretty sure that even if we went years getting along just fine that when that one argument popped up that I would throw this hurt right back in his face and I don't want to live like that. So that moment, sitting in my car at the end of the block, I decided that I was filing for divorce and moving on with my life. I dialed Alice Whitlock and asked if I could crash in her guest room. She didn't even ask what I needed it for, just opened her home to me and let me have the night to cry and think. She shows me to the room and hugs me before turning and leaving me alone.

Alice had been my best friend for nearly twenty years. We met when we were seven years old, I had just moved to Memphis with my mom and dad. I was a tiny little thing and very nervous to start a new school for first grade. Alice was sitting by herself in the classroom while all the other kids had their parents there to get them settled. Mom walked me right over to where Alice sat and helped her get her things put away like she did mine. Alice became my best friend and unofficial sister that day in that classroom. We have been inseparable ever since. She got married one month before I did. Jasper and James were friends in high school and went to the University of Kentucky together as roommates. They weren't really close then but have gotten to be really good friends since. We met them at a University of Tennessee football game our freshman year. We were wearing our Volunteer Orange and they were dressed in Kentucky Blue. It was the only football game we went to the whole season but it ended up being the best day. They were both blonde haired, blue eyed beautiful men and we were completely taken. They were juniors and seemed so much older than we were. They spoke with a long drawl that was very different than the Tennessee accent we had. We found out they were from West Texas. Alice flirted with them both, not knowing which one she liked more at first. I was completely taken by James. His eyes seemed to pierce my soul, as if he could see right into me. He was so handsome. His chiseled jaw and beautiful smile made him seem untouchable for me. I didn't talk much but Alice talked enough for both of us. Jasper couldn't take his eyes off of her. She had long black hair and brilliant blue eyes. Her soft ivory skin made her look like a modern day Snow White. She was so dainty and had such delicate features. Her big personality more than made up for her diminutive stature.

Jasper seemed to watch every curve of her mouth as she spoke and hung on every word. He was just as smitten with her as I was with James. He was tall and lean; he had shoulder length wavy blonde hair and a little scruff on his face. His smile held a lot of mystery; like he was always on the edge of something sneaky. James listened to Alice talk about the best places to get food and where to go for fun in Knoxville. I just giggled when she would get really animated. When we decided to hang out together after the game, James held his elbow out for me and I shyly slipped my arm into his. Jasper led Alice with one hand on the small of her back. She looked at me over her shoulder and smiled so widely I thought she was going to crack her cheeks. James chuckled at her expression and whispered to me, "I guess she is happy with the turn of events." I just nodded. I was so happy too. I had hoped one of them would like me but I was praying for it to be James. That night turned out to be the best night of our college years. After that night James and I became an exclusive couple. He would come to see me every other weekend and I went to him a few times a semester. We talked every night and even took our breaks to visit each other's families. Jasper and James proposed to us on the same night. They took us out for dinner separately and proposed. They had planned it but we were shocked to come home that night and find out that we had both gotten engaged. Alice and Jasper got married two weeks after the guys graduated. James and I had our wedding a month later. We moved into family housing on campus and became neighbors for the next two years. I had never in my life been so happy and Alice was completely over the moon. We moved back to Memphis after graduation because I got a job in the juvenile probation department in Shelby County. James found a job at the community college in the IT department. We bought our house not long after we moved to town. My parents were begging us for babies but we weren't ready for that yet. I was getting there though. My friends were starting to have kids. Alice and Jasper had two already. I was thinking that I would bring it up to James soon.

Of course that was before my whole world shifted.

I spent the entire night remembering the past and mourning the future that wouldn't be, pretending to sleep at Alice's. I must have dozed a little though because I woke to the sound of little giggles coming from outside the door. Ellie and Sam were awake and playing in the hallway. I heard Alice shoo them off and then a light knock at the door. "Come in," I said stretching to sit up.

"Hey, so you wanna fill me in?" she questioned. "Jasper is taking the munchkins to the park for a few hours so we will have some privacy."

"Okay, let me get cleaned up and dressed. Please tell me you have coffee," I say hoping to sound less depressed than I felt.

"Of course I have coffee, what kind of silly question is that?" she says with a smile.

I get up and head to the bathroom. Not long after I arrived the night before I had to take a shower. All I could smell were his fresh scented shower gel and our love making. It smelled like good bye to me and I couldn't handle it. So I stood under the hot spray of the shower and used Alice's fruity bath products to rid myself of his scent. After getting dressed I check my phone to see if he has done what I asked him not to. He hasn't. I also check Facebook to see if he has posted anything. He has. Three of those memes that talk about mistakes and losing something you love and one self-loathing post about how stupid he is. I know he loves me. I could feel it even as I was leaving but obviously love wasn't enough to keep him from hurting me. I shut down my phone and toss it on the bed. I throw on the sweatshirt and jeans I brought. Good old Volunteer Orange. It is my go to "feeling like shit" shirt. I grab the ticket letter and head to the kitchen.

Alice has a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll on the table for me. I want to kiss her. She even dressed my coffee for me the way I like it; super sweet and creamy. I drop the paper on the table and sit down. She looks at the ticket and then at the picture and then at me. Her eyes fill with tears and she wipes at them angrily. "Oh honey, I am so sorry."

"Me too," I say.

"What did he say?"

"He admitted it and didn't try to lie about it," I say, feeling myself detach from the emotions rolling in my heart.

"How did you confront him? I can only imagine how I would do it. Jasper would be dick-less," she says, and for the first time I think I was wrong in how I handled the whole thing.

"I made love to him and then confronted him," I say, feeling very silly.

"Wow. How did you do that?" she asks, astonished.

"I needed to feel him. I needed to see for myself if it was me that made him cheat. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and I didn't want to. I thought, 'I am losing him forever, I just want a little more time to be perfect'," I explained. I then told her every detail of the night before including the phone call to Vickie.

"Do you think you can get past this?" Alice asks with that glimmer of hope that I had before finding out he told her he didn't love me anymore.

"You know, I did for about five minutes. I thought, maybe we could go to counseling and work through it. I mean I love him so much. He loves me too, Ali. But then I thought about it. Every time we argue I will through this back in his face. Even if I can forgive him, I will never forget. I will never be able to fully trust him again. The first time he comes home late, I am going to wonder. We will never get back what we had. I just don't see how we could," I say.

"What if you can? What if you try counseling and find out that you can fix this?" she offers.

"I don't want the tainted version of us, Ali. I want us; the 'us' that everyone envied because we were so happy. I want the 'us' that I have had for 8 years. I want my husband to be only mine and he will never be only mine again," I cry.

"Oh honey, I understand. So I see you have made up your mind."

"Yes, I am filing for divorce," I say with a firm finality.

"Have you told your parents?"

"No. I sat in my car for a half an hour after I left. I had to talk myself out of going back. I called you and came straight here," I say thinking about my night. "I spent the whole night thinking about college and how it all started. I was going to ask him about having a baby soon."

"Sweetie, I wish I knew what to say. I just have no words."

"I know. It's crazy, right. I mean we were so happy. He was so attentive. I never had a clue he was cheating on me. Two months, Ali. Two whole months he was seeing her. I mean, hell, they dated for Christ's sake!" The anger was starting to come back.

"Your daddy is gonna kill his ass," Ali says with a smile.

"I bet Jasper and Em will want to too."

"Oh definitely, Jasper will probably go over there with is shot gun in hand."

"I just wish I could have seen when it started. Maybe I could have stopped it. I feel like I wasn't paying attention or something. I have gone over and over the last 6 months in my head and nothing sticks out as wrong. He was still the same with me. The only difference was that he was working over more often but even that was only once every few weeks."

"We didn't notice anything. We spent just as much time together as always and he was still head over heels for you," Ali says, thinking back now too.

"I know. He even says that he doesn't know what happened."

"So Rose and Angela's baby shower is coming up. Do you want to go in on the gifts with me?" Ali says trying to change the subject. I just smile at her and join her subject change.

"Sure, what were you thinking?"

We talked about the baby showers and her kids for a long time which made me feel a million times better. I still had to talk to my parents and a lawyer but I felt a little more in control now.

Jasper brought the kids home and I got some serious snuggles from my two favorite redheaded girls. Sam was four years old and the perfect combination of her mommy and daddy; ivory skin with bright blue eyes, a petite little thing like her mommy but athletic like her daddy. Both girls had red hair, which made me laugh because of the contrast to Jasper's sandy blonde and Ali's coal black. Three year old Ellie was Jasper's little mini-me. She had his sneaky smile and cool blue eyes. Her hair was wavy and she even had his nose. They were silly and spunky like their mom. They always had big hugs for me and a story or two to tell.

"Where's Uncle Jay?" asked Ellie.

"He's at home," I answered, not knowing what else to say.

"Is he coming over too?" asked Sam.

"Probably not."

"Is he sick?" asked Ellie.

"No, honey, he isn't sick. Uncle Jay and I are spending some time apart," I said.

"Oh, Ok!" Ellie says.

I chuckle at how simple it must be to her. Ali wipes another tear and I look to see Jasper is wanting an explanation. Ali takes the girls to their room and Jasper and I talk. I tell him everything and just as I expected he wants to kill my husband.

"Jasper, just let it go. I am going to file for divorce and I think that is punishment enough."

"No, Bella, I won't let him get away with this. He has done nothing but talk about how great you are and how perfect his life is for the last eight years. Why on earth would he do something like this?" he says, pacing the kitchen.

"Jasper, even he doesn't know. He needs time to figure out what happened and I need to start a new life without him. I don't want you going to the house and kicking his ass, although I appreciate the thought."

So the night calmed down and we had a nice dinner before I called my parents and asked if I could come over to talk. They were curious but I told them I would explain when I got there. Unfortunately I had to drive by my house to get to theirs as it was only a few houses down the street, which is why I didn't go there to begin with.

Alice offered to go with me and I gladly accepted. Alice drove and I looked out the window the whole way. Once we got to the street I tried not to look at my house as we drove by but I failed. I looked into the drive way to see if his car was there but what did I find; his car and a small black sports car that I didn't recognize. I gasped and Alice pulled over when she saw it. I jumped out of the car and ran up the walk. I threw open the door and nearly fell at the force with which I entered the house. There in my living room, on my couch was my husband and his red headed mistress curled up watching TV as if they were not doing something wrong.

He looked up at me and immediately left her sitting there shell shocked. He started to apologize and tell me something that I wasn't hearing.

"Don't. Don't say a fucking word. You have until Friday to get your stuff out of my house and I hope you know that I am filing for divorce and you will be hearing from my attorney."