He isn't quite sure when it started, but he knows that it's been going on for much too long. He's dreaming of smiles and laughter and bright red hair.

Natsuki Usami can't stop thinking of Yuki Sanada.

He is so fucking screwed.

He doesn't quite understand why he can't stop, but he knows for a fact that thoughts of Yuki are constantly rolling around in his head, and they all make him smile, push him through lonely nights and days when he wishes that he hadn't left Enoshima for a dream. He thinks of Yuki pushing past all his fears to save Haru, he thinks of Yuki trying so hard to get past his own inhibitions, he thinks of Yuki cheerfully greeting customers at the Hemingway and suddenly, Natsuki can keep his dream running, he's back to himself.

It's on a whim that he calls Yuki, and every other call after that is the same way, and he wonders why he didn't think of it in the past three months he's been in America, seven months in total since that fiasco with Haru and the other strange alien, Urara. He doesn't wonder about the tightness in his chest every time he makes a call, doesn't dare touch on the subject.

It's not strange, not really. To call someone who is, honestly, your only best friend at five or six in the morning, that's pretty normal, isn't it? At least, that's what he tells himself.

He checks the time. It'll be around six thirty in the morning over there, and Natsuki looks guiltily at his phone. He really shouldn't call, especially not when it's a weekday, but he hadn't called at all last week, and it's taken its toll on him. He sort of hopes that maybe, it might have taken a toll on Yuki as well, but, but that's just loneliness, nothing more. He loves his family, but Yuki is his friend, and obviously, he's more relaxed around his friend rather than his family, it only makes sense-

Irritated, he flips through his phone and calls, determined to get a handle on himself. He's over-thinking everything. Yuki is his friend, he cares about his well-being like a friend should. That's all there is to the matter.

Except for the dreams of smiles, but he'll deal with those later.

"...Natsuki?" A little fuzzy through the phone, but Yuki's voice is the same. It's not quite as laced with sleep as Natsuki thought it would be, but still, ever the same.

He ignores the warm feeling that spreads through his chest and focuses on speaking. It doesn't work entirely, but it works enough.

"Hey, Yuki."

"Hey. So what's up?"

"Not much with me, still training for a tournament is all." Natsuki sits down on his apartment couch, leans back on the armrest. "Anything interesting over there?"

"Well, interesting is a way to put it..." Yuki mumbles.

"What? What happened? Is it Urara-related?" He does his best to hold back his worry, forcing the questions out at a steady pace. Yuki stutters into the phone.

"No, not at all! It's not alien related at all, no..." And Natsuki believes him, because there's really no reason for Yuki to lie. But he's curious, even with the sinking feeling of premonition that Natsuki never trusts but always should.

"So what is it then?"

"Well, I, uhm," And Natsuki imagines him, can see him looking down at the floor, awkward, stressed expression on his face, and Natsuki opens his mouth to say 'It's fine if you don't want to tell me', but Yuki beats him to sound.

"IwentonafewdateswithErika." He says it so fast Natsuki almost doesn't catch it, almost.

Almost.

He...He knows what he should say, he knows what a friend should say, but he can't get the words out. They choke him in the worst ways, make his insides tighten to the point where they're like coiled springs.

Get a grip. He shouts in his head. Get a grip! What is the big deal?

Everything is the big deal! A part of him screams. Everything!

He closes his eyes and pushes it back, that part of him, he pushes it as hard as he can but it still remains in the background, screaming murder.

Still, he tries to compose himself, because that's all he can do. He shouldn't be this upset. He shouldn't be upset at all. This is not how anything should be, he lets the hand not holding the phone curl into a fist, tightening as he makes himself speak.

"Really? Lucky you then. She's my cousin, so you should treat her well." Fine. This is fine. He sounds completely fine. Everything, his tone, it's perfectly normal. Regular.

"We- It's not like we're dating or anything!" Yuki sounds insistent, and maybe Natsuki would be more willing to listen if the pulse in his head wasn't so loud.

"It's not a big deal, Yuki. We're already near eighteen, it's pretty normal." He tries to add something to it, like that he's glad Yuki has grown out of his shell, but everything he can think of sounds either sarcastic or wrong coming out of his mouth.

"Natsuki-! We aren't- It's not-" And the pulse in Natsuki's head is so loud that his fist is shaking.

"IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, OKAY? I DON'T CARE!" He snaps, hisses a breath. "I don't care. It doesn't involve me."

There is a silence, just enough time for Natsuki to realize he has royally fucked himself over. He messed up. He messed it up, he realizes, he made himself look like an idiot, he got overly angry at Yuki who didn't even deserve it, doesn't even know why, and he doesn't even know why he's so angry, he doesn't know at all what is going on in his head but he knows one thing, he messed up. All thanks to the stupid coiled springs that he couldn't unwind, the shaking fist that now flops limply on the couch as he scrambles for words that don't come out. All he ends up managing is a short 'goodbye', hanging up the phone before he messes it up any further.

He throws his phone on the table, not caring if it breaks. It doesn't, much to his chagrin.

Throwing his arm over his eyes as he slides down the couch, he groans. Why can't he just be a good friend, why does he have to have these moments, why does he want Yuki all to his goddamn self-

-No, he's not thinking this. He's not thinking about the implications. He refuses.

Instead he tries to figure out his tone when he shouted at Yuki, realizes late in the night that it was, in fact, an accusation.

[[Why do I hurt myself in this way
I'm going to rectify this don't worry but
Ugh why did I have to make myself write angst first
also according to official tweets(they were translated here: yoshi-x2 . livejournal -dotcom-slash-17044 . html) Natsuki and Erika are related]]