Well, because y'all demanded it, here's the next installment...so sit back and enjoy some holiday-hilarity goodness.
Act II
At the Fenix house, all four Gears are sitting in the living room for a brief meeting, concerning the "Holiday" entourage this year…
Marcus – Ok, guys, here's the drill…
Baird – (intentionally interrupts) …yea, here's the drill…we're out of frozen pizza, we're out of eggnog, and we're out of toilet paper (Marcus gives Baird a scowl)…did I mention we're out of eggnog?
Marcus – Shut up, Baird…and before you even begin, asswipe, the first and foremost order of business in this meeting is that you're fired from putting up the house decorations.
Baird – Fired? For what?
Marcus – You know what!
********
Flashback: Marcus pulls up to the front of his house as a crowd of neighbors block his driveway. He squeezes his big head through driver side window of the Toyota Yaris, peering out to see what the commotion is.
Marcus – What the hell is this all about…(looks out in the yard and his jaw drops in shock) …BAIRD…YOU BAT-SHIT, CRAZY, SON OF A BITCH!
Sprawled all across the yard are "anatomically correct" snowmen (and women) in humping positions. Santa is "carving" Rudolph with a Lancer in-hand, splattered in ketchup, while the elves are tipped over from the picnic table, holding beer cans.
********
Baird – Hey, I thought we got "Yard of The Month" for that.
Marcus – No, we got a scathing letter from the neighborhood administration.
Cole and Dom snicker.
Marcus - …and speaking of the next order of business, you two are banned from the neighborhood snowball fights!
Cole – Say what?
Dom – Oh come on…they're just pissed because we beat their asses at it every year!
Marcus – No, they banned you because you guys we're using the damn Mortar to fire your snowballs!
Dom – It was Dizzy's idea!
********
Flashback: Dom is holding the Mortar while Cole was loading the next set of snowballs while Dizzy was looking out with binoculars, drinking whisky from his canteen.
Dizzy – Hehe…I see the little bastards… (looking out at the neighbors kids down the street, using binoculars and hiding behind a parked car)
Cole – WHOO…locked and loaded!
Dizzy – Ready…aim…FIRE!
"Poof"…an array of snowballs fall from the sky as Dizzy laughs, watching all the kiddies run amuck, screaming.
********
Marcus – Third and foremost…we are not having another reenactment of last year's Christmas party, so guess what!"
All three start to sulk.
Marcus - …no beer, no whine, in fact, no alcohol, period.
Dom – Oh, c'mon Marcus, it wasn't that bad."
Marcus – Do you even remember what went on that night?
Dom – Ye…uh, (scratches head while his memory draws a blank)…um…no, not really.
Marcus – Exactly…that's how bad it was.
Cole – Man, that was last year…what do you remember about it, Mr. Grinch?
********
Flashback…again: Marcus steps into the house from the quickie-mart and walks into the living room where all the commotion was coming from. Marcus drops his grocery bags on the floor in shock as he sees Cole, "pole dancing" on the dining table, wearing nothing but a Santa hat and his red, boxer shorts that say "jingle these" near the fly. All the ladies where whooping and hollering, throwing dollar bills on the table.
Suddenly, Dom streaks through the rowdy crowd, bare ass and laughing while being chased by a pissed-off Baird, whom is followed by a drunk Tai, running in his loincloth, giving Dizzy a piggie-back ride.
Dizzy – YEEHAW…giddieup!
********
Marcus – You three are two seconds from getting the boot by the Mrs., so while I'm trying to convince her to keep you shitheads around, we're going to do things a little…no, I take that back, ALOT different this year…starting with house decorations.
Baird – Man, this blows!
Marcus – Don't make me have to get out of this chair, (gives Baird a scowl and then turns to Cole)…Cole your in charge of house decorations.
Cole – What? Who's going to be in charge of the Christmas Party?
Marcus – Anya's taking care of that.
The three Gears moan in unison.
Marcus – What? It's not going to be that bad!
Baird – It's going to be a girlie housewarming party (making feminine gestures with his hips) with cheesy fruitcakes, bon bons, playing that stupid "Jingle Cats" CD, and chocolate covered pretzels…which go great with beer, BY THE WAY!
Dom – I have to agree with Baird. She's only going to invite her friends, and most of them hate us!
Marcus – She's inviting Bernie…she doesn't hate y'all…
Baird – Aw, f***….
Marcus - …ok, not most of y'all…and speaking of which, you ARE wearing that sweater she gave you last year, Baird!
Baird – Like hell I am…
Marcus – She went through a lot of trouble to make it, so guess what…your wearin it!
Baird – I'm not wearing that pink, dippy sweater!
Cole – Oh, c'mon Baird…be nice to the old lady…besides, it makes your eyes dance, heehee…
Dom snickers with Cole,
Baird – Oh, shut up!
Marcus continues.
Marcus – and moving on to the next agenda, Dom, I'm putting you I charge of running Jr.'s birthday party tomorrow…
Dom – Wait…didn't Baird and Cole do that last year…
Marcus – Yea, and I fired them for that too, by the way, (gives Cole and Baird a dirty look).
********
Flashback: Cole and Baird instigate a water balloon fight with the kids, throwing water-filled condoms across the front yard.
********
Baird – They ran outta balloons at the quickie mart, so I had to use the next best thing, ok?
Marcus groans as he gets up and grabs his coat.
Marcus – I gotta go to the grocery store to get stuff for the party so I better see some house decorations in the yard, Cole…
Cole slumps in the couch.
Marcus – …Dom, be sure you call in the cake order, TODAY, so it can be ready by tomorrow…(Marcus turns his glare over to Baird) …and as for you, Baird…you're grounded in the garage so you can rummage through your crap to find that sweater, because if you don't…"
Marcus pulls out a stick with a few feathers at the end from the closet and holds it in hand for Baird to see.
Baird – Oh, God, no…not that…not the French tickler… wait…does wify-poo know about this?
Marcus – I'll be back in an hour, and expect all this shit to be done by the time I get back, understood?"
All three in unison as they mumble – Yes.
********
After two hours, marcus finally returns from the store as he pulls up in front of his house, noticing the neighbors where blocking his driveway, again. He sticks his head out of his little Toyota Yaris as he peers out onto the front yard.
Marcus – Oh for crying out loud, now what…wait a…
In the front of the yard stood a large black sign that said "Bah…Humbug," written in white paint, next to a stick figure resembling Marcus, and lit up with a large spotlight from the ground.
Marcus – DAMNIT COLE!
to be continued...
Well, I hope you got some laughs...I'll be posting the second part sometime before Christmas.