Author's Note; Warning; Sherlock is actually going to the Vatican. Sherlock. And Loki. In the Vatican. To be clear, Sherlock and Loki are going to offend some very religious people. Keep in mind that Sherlock's opinion in no way matches my own, and I have no intention of offending anyone of any religion.

The hotel was relatively easy to check into. It was within easy walking distance of the Vatican, and Sherlock honestly didn't expect to be there for long. All Sherlock needed to do was speak to the man held in custody and examine the wine that had apparently been poisoned and somehow passed the inevitable taste test before the pope got around to drinking it. He already had at least seven working theories about the murder and exactly how it came about.

The room that had been booked for them had two single beds and a trundle bed of sorts. Loki was not happy, not in the slightest, to be allocated to the trundle bed. Sherlock had argued that logically, he was the least important member of this case as his requirement for mental functioning was far less than either that of John or himself, therefore required less adequate sleep.

John had argued that Loki'd been a dick the entire trip and if he refused to sleep in the trundle bed, they'd handcuff him to it.

The suitcases were thrown into the room. They argued over Loki's sceptre for a grand total of five minutes before Loki caved and left it nestled carefully between the elegant curtains bordering the window. John assured Loki that if it had been stolen, Sherlock was definitely going to be able to track it down within a matter of minutes.

They'd locked the room with the old-fashioned key they'd been handed (rather a change from the usual key-card system used in hotels) and stepped out onto the street. Loki wasn't allowed to so much as hold the key.

For a moment, Sherlock and John just counted themselves lucky that they weren't in Britain or America. They'd been a sensation in Britain since well before Loki's invasion, but their international following was relatively slim until recently. Since becoming a part of the Avengers Initiative, it seemed their lives were going to be thrown even more in the spotlight than before.

Oddly enough, this meant that they were lucky; oh, sure, they were dragging around an international criminal, but at least their faces weren't known by every person they passed on the street.

With a devotion to the case that Loki wouldn't understand for a while yet, they walked towards the Vatican despite being both hungry and tired.

'Is this place far?' asked Loki.

'Not terribly,' said John.

'What is it, anyway, this Vatican City?'

Sherlock rolled his eyes. 'It's where a collection of idiots reside to promote their idiocy to the world.'

John glared. 'Sherlock, you've met both several hundred demons and an angel yourself. Behave.' Sherlock responded by huffing and focusing on the path to the Vatican.

John sighed and asked Loki 'Do you know anything about Christianity?'

'I've heard of the concept, though not past what Crowley told me.'

'Ok, well, you being a supposed God makes this easier to explain.'

'I'm not a "supposed..."'

'There's a whole section of the world that believes that an all-powerful, omniscient god created the universe and made humanity.'

'And this Vatican?'

'It's the city where the leaders of the church in charge of the religion live, deify saints, that kind of thing. And it's where the pope lives.'

'And who's the pope?'

'At the moment, no one,' said Sherlock, interrupting, 'Which is what brings us here. Ah, excellent.'

They'd arrived. The enormous pillars of the city spread out before them. John was awed. Sherlock wasn't paying attention. Loki was thoroughly unimpressed.

A guard waited to meet them; clearly he'd been told to recognise John and Sherlock. He waved at them to follow him, but stopped when he saw Loki.

'You can't bring him in,' said the guard, 'I've got the authority to allow access to Sherlock Holmes and John Watson only. No guests are allowed.'

Sherlock stared the guard in the eye. 'Your employer clearly wishes me to be here; he will allow me in on my own terms and with my own "guests," else I'll turn around this instant.'

The man looked slightly annoyed and spoke into a walkie talkie attached to his uniform.

Loki sulked. Luckily for him, he was wearing regular civilian clothes. His Asgardian getup would likely have been found blasphemous.

'Should I just wait out here with him while you…' started John.

'No,' said Sherlock, 'Just wait.'

The guard had stopped his furious conversation with whoever was on the other end of the line and grudgingly indicated that all three of them were allowed to come in. They followed the guard through a side door, clearly not very well-known to the general public, and through to a surprisingly modern office.

'The Detective in charge here will be with you shortly,' said the guard, before storming out a little more angrily than he'd intended.

John and Sherlock took their seats at the guests side of the desk, leaving Loki to sit on what he was sure was a decorative chair in the corner.

'You realise we've just smuggled an international criminal into the Vatican, don't you?' asked John.

Sherlock hummed non-committedly.

John just chuckled and waited for the detective. Luckily, the three of them didn't have long to wait. The man who walked in was slightly taller than John, slim and appeared extremely nervous. He was wearing a crumpled dark blue suit. Sherlock immediately assumed the man had been contacted by Lestrade and warned duly about Sherlock's personality; he couldn't decide whether to be grateful or irritated. He could imagine how that particular phone call would have gone.

Sherlock stood up and extended a hand to the man. 'Sherlock Holmes. This is John Watson.' John stepped forwards to shake the man's hand after Sherlock.

'And this is?' asked the detective in a thick Italian accent, indicating Loki in the corner. He made no move to get up.

'Not someone that you need to worry about,' said Sherlock with authority. The detective looked uneasy, but took his seat behind the desk, facing John and Sherlock.

'Thank you for coming,' said the man, 'I'm Detective Inspector Veneziano, and… well, we have absolutely no idea what's happened.'

'How so?' asked Sherlock.

'The man we've detained… well, honestly, it looks like he's completely innocent. In fact he appears positively distraught that his actions have brought about the death of someone he admired so greatly.'

'What has this man done to make him so worthy?' asked Loki.

'Quiet, Loki, please,' said John.

DI Veneziano went white. 'No… not… he's not the one who…'

They all realised at the same time that Veneziano recognised the name from the news.

'No, look, please…' started John, and he had to stop himself from finishing that sentence with "Just ignore the Norse god in the corner," 'He's our charge now. Completely powerless, I promise you. He's done enough complaining about that one already.'

'But he's…'

'I can personally guarantee your safety in terms of this man,' said Sherlock clearly, 'He has no reason or inclination to do any harm to anyone here, with the possible exception of myself and John.'

If the DI looked nervous before, now he was positively twitching.

'Well, let's see, I was… where was…'

'Up to the bit where the pope was murdered, I believe.'

'Yes, well,' said DI Veneziano, 'Essentially, we have absolutely no clue. We can't even detect any poison in the wine, either the cup the pope drank from or the bottle itself.'

Sherlock leant forward slightly, curious. 'I've got two requirements.'

'Requests,' corrected John.

'Requirements,' insisted Sherlock, 'I need to speak to the man you've detained. And I need a sample of the wine. If I can get both now, I'll contact you this evening.'

'You'll have news?'

'I'll have the murderer. Or at least have been able to prove the man in your custody innocent.' said Sherlock.

DI Veneziano sighed. Clearly, he'd been told to accept that Sherlock would crack the case in a matter of hours rather than weeks.

'If you follow me, I'll bring you to the man,' he said, 'The wine will be placed in the room opposite this one. It has basic scientific equipment, should it be required. Any questions.'

'One,' said Loki.

The DI raised an eyebrow.

'Scientific equipment in a religious facility?' asked Loki, and John leant over and pulled Loki up from his chair quickly, getting him to be quiet.

'Ok, we can stop right there,' said John, 'we are not having this debate in the Vatican, understood?'

Loki simply looked furious and followed Sherlock and John as they in turn followed the inspector through the maze of corridors, apparently out of the Vatican (though not too far away) and into a quiet building that seemed completely nondescript.

They were led down some stairs, down some more stairs, along a corridor, and finally, into a small prison that looked fairly uncomfortable. Only one of the cells was occupied.

'As you can see,' said DI Veneziano, 'We rarely have to detain people here.'

The man in the cell looked up hopefully. He was looking extremely dejected aside from that; clearly he hadn't planned on the possibility of being here.

Sherlock took in his appearance and immediately decided that this man, however crazy he may be, did not intend to poison the pope.

'You can go now, Inspector,' said Sherlock, 'I'll take it from here.'

'Do you need to enter the cell, Mr Holmes?'

'Not at all, Inspector.'

DI Veneziano looked at the people surrounding him with a mild expression of terror and left as quickly as he could.

'Name?' asked Sherlock.

'Freddie Dowler,' said the man, 'are you Sherlock Holmes, by any chance?' He had an extremely well-to-do accent and a general aura of wealth and sophistication, despite his current surroundings.

'Yes,' said Sherlock, 'Now, quite obviously you had no intention to poison the pope. The very notion that someone of your level of insecurity and religious self-importance would sink to murder is ridiculous.'

'Now wait just one moment, sir…'

'However, it is quite clearly the wine you gave to him that killed him. Which brings me to the question I'll likely be returning to ask in an hour or so. When I return, I will ask you exactly who tampered with the wine and how.'

'Mr Holmes, I wouldn't dream of letting anyone even touch the bottle of wine I planned to present to his grace.'

Sherlock rolled his eyes. 'Of course you wouldn't. Come along, John. Don't worry, Doctor Dowler, we'll be back extremely soon.'

Sherlock walked out the way he'd come. John looked pityingly at Freddie and followed him, dragging Loki behind him. Loki forcefully shook John's hand off his arm, and gave him a look that clearly said "I can do that on my own, thanks."

The three of them headed at Sherlock's extremely fast walking pace towards the room they'd come from. Sherlock pushed open the door to the room with the supposed science equipment with confidence and swept into the room.

John pointed Loki in through the door before stepping through himself and shutting the door behind the three of them.

A desk stood in the centre of the room, and on it sat a nondescript, uncorked bottle of wine beside a half filled glass and a corkscrew, the cork still attached to it. Sherlock nodded in appreciation; they clearly hadn't tampered with the evidence. Or at least, not that he could see.

A modern microscope that looked ridiculously out of place sat at the corner of the desk, beside a box of disposable plastic gloves. Sherlock immediately took out a pair and snapped them onto his hands.

John looked at the wine bottle, then at Sherlock. 'Do you mind?'

'Not at all,' said Sherlock, and John picked up the bottle.

'Le Vin du Rosier,' he read from the label, 'Well that certainly sounds unusual.'

'Wine of the rose,' said Sherlock, holding the wine glass in his hands and examining it carefully, 'Not something that's likely to be relevant.' He paused, before looking at the wall directly in front of him. 'Actually, it may be. Use my phone, I've enabled international roaming. Get a list of the ingredients in the wine.'

John sighed. He put the wine bottle down, took the offered phone from Sherlock's outstretched hand and started typing in the details.

Loki gave up. He lifted himself onto a table running along one of the walls in the room. The table creaked but held under his weight. He tapped out a pattern against the table.

'Stop that,' said Sherlock, now looking at a miniature drop of the wine under the microscope.

Loki laughed sarcastically. 'Oh, so I'm not allowed to make even a single noise now, am I?'

Sherlock hummed agreement. John rolled his eyes and scrolled through the entries on Sherlock's phone. 'Look, Sherlock, I think this is it.'

Sherlock took the phone, ignoring Loki's furious expression and his continued tapping of the table. He scrolled through the ingredients, before turning back to the wine.

Then came the waiting. Sherlock obviously had his ideas, and John was willing to accept that he'd find the results in his own time. He took his phone out of his pocket and started going through a crossword, leaning against a wall.

Every so often, Loki would comment on how ridiculously long this was taking. More often than not, John would simply stare at him until Loki rolled his eyes and resumed a pattern of pacing, drumming his fingers on the table and glaring.

It was some time before Sherlock looked up. His eyes flicked between the wine, the corkscrew, and his phone, on which the ingredients were clearly displayed, and an expression of understanding crossed his face.

'Oh, of course,' said Sherlock, before dipping his finger into the wine glass and letting a drop fall on his tongue.

'Sherlock! That wine killed a man!' yelled John. Loki was smirking, though his smirk faltered when Sherlock grinned.

'Clearly, John,' said Sherlock, 'But there isn't a single trace of poison in this wine, not at all. The taste tester wasn't killed and showed no reaction whatsoever to ingesting the wine. He'd eaten exactly the same dishes as the pope, obviously, which leaves out the possibility that somehow the pope had ingested something to make an undetectable poison in this wine deadly. The bottle being confirmed as coming from an outside source, the taste tester himself couldn't have had the opportunity to swallow an antidote to any supposed poison before testing the wine. Quite simply John; there is no poison in this wine.'

'Then what killed the pope?'

'Vanilla ice cream.'

Loki's jaw dropped open in absolute bewilderment.

'I'm sorry, vanilla ice cream?' asked John, as Loki pulled himself together enough to raise an eyebrow.

'It's…'

'If you say it's obvious,' said John with feeling, 'I'll snap your violin bow in half when we get home.'

Sherlock rolled his eyes at the drama.

'Examining this wine shows no trace of poison, as expected. However, there are many elements of it that defy expectation. The ingredients of the wine have been added at a far later stage in the process of making wine than usual. I assume the bottle was originally filled with the real Vin du Rosier; now, it most certainly isn't. The obvious observation leading to this is that the cork has been chewed, presumably to get it back into the bottle after being uncorked initially. Upon tasting it, or even glancing at the glass, you can see that there's an underlying standard wine, which is for some reason filled with ingredients to make it resemble that of Le Vin du Rosier. Look; there's a thin layer of nutmeg around the rim of the glass where the wine's been sitting. Having tasted the wine, the taste of dairy products is clear. It genuinely appears that this wine was made from a cheap bottle of wine combined with basic kitchen ingredients. Inferring from the recipe, the most likely "cover ingredient" for vanilla, so to speak, would be vanilla ice cream. Frankly, I'm surprised the taste tester didn't pick up the poorly constructed taste.'

'Ok, so it's a terrible wine,' said John, 'I still don't see… vanilla ice cream?'

'Easily explained, and I'll simply need to look at the pope's medical records to confirm my suspicions. A fair portion of this bottle has already been poured, which means the pope drank more of it than a single glass. Inference; the pope had a severe allergic reaction to the dairy in the vanilla ice cream, obviously not something you'd expect to find in a wine.'

Even John looked a bit dubious at this deduction. Sherlock looked surprised that John didn't believe him. Right on cue, the DI walked through the door.

'Ah, detective,' said Sherlock, 'fetch me the victim's medical records and the autopsy report. If this was murder, it was done by someone with access to these records. More likely than not, I believe that the pope's murder was a mistake.'

DI Veneziano looked utterly floored. 'A mistake? But Mr Holmes, you can't honestly…'

'I'll need to see those records, and then have a word with your current prisoner,' Sherlock added, 'No doubt this case will be solved far too quickly. Not half as interesting as it appeared to be.'

The inspector shook his head in astonishment before turning tail and walking back out of the door, promising to come back shortly.

Author's note; As to those who've worked out the murderer; I'm sorry. I honestly couldn't help myself. Please forgive the utter implausibility of it in the name of humor.

DocWho999, I'll be including Merlin. It may take a few weeks, minimum, though; I haven't actually watched it yet.

Fionn Rose; I know John keeps stealing the show, especially there. Trust me, next chapter? If Loki doesn't steal the show (you'll get it later) I'm doing my job wrong.

Falca; I've read the Hobbit and the Fellowship. If there's a way to squish hobbits or elves in here, I'll find it.