Disclaimer: Me and Tolkien own nothing. The entire plot belongs to the author whose spirit I am currently channelling: haldirlegolasmadelfluveroflorien9345934659346596
The day of Aragorn's coronation had finally arrived, I had drifted into the lively crowd, vaguely wondering why (delete as applicable) Legolas/Haldir/Glorfindel/Elladan/Elrohir/Aragorn/Elrond hadn't fallen in love with me, when I ran into Haldir, and what was obviously a fellow warden. Well, I assumed he was as he was dressed in an identical uniform.
"Mae govannen, Haldir of Lorien." I said respectfully, placing a hand over my heart; I was fluent in elvish and very well versed in elvish culture, you see. We chatted for a while, during which time, I enquired as to the nature of Haldir and Mystery Elf's relationship.
"We are partners; we have been partners for over a millennia." Haldir's partner drew himself up proudly.
"You run the fences together?"
"Oh no, we are lovers." Haldir stated, as if this was a normal statement. My eyes widened to saucers and my head snapped to attention.
"Really?" I squeaked, my voice reaching such a pitch, it could surely only be heard by passing dogs. "Nothing wrong with that!" I stammered, feeling slightly sick.
"Indeed? I thought the race of men thought it inherently wrong?" Haldir's partner, I still didn't know his name, cocked an eyebrow at me.
"Well, even god say's thing's he doesn't really mean y'know," I said jauntily, "must be fun though, the whole rough and tumble of homosexuality…not that I'm into it you understand…" I trailed off as I realised they were looking at me with a mix of amusement of pity. Spotting Erestor and Glorfindel passing by, I used it as an excuse to escape from this excruciating conversation.
To my surprise, Glorfindel and Erestor did not stay in the celebration hall, but snuck out of a small side door. My curiosity piqued, and I followed them, using all my considerable skill in stealth.
They seemed to be heading towards the library, so keeping a suitably safe distance from the pair I watched in curiosity and they entered the darkened chambers. Peering around the door, I suddenly discovered the true meaning of the saying 'curiosity killed the cat'. Details are not necessary at this, or any other time. Suffice to say I was forcibly reminded of Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct, substituting Michael for Erestor, naturally.
I was going to need a millennia of therapy to recover from the shock of that. Something that is completely available to me, because, guess what! Gandalf has just told me I'm a half-elf! And even though it goes against everything Tolkien ever wrote about peredhels not of the line of Earendel, I have immortality and permission to sail the Aman! Imagine that!
Apparently, the Valar have taken pity on me because of the great suffering I had endured during my short life. Never mind the starving and disease riddled population of East Africa, or the innocent people of Iraq, living under constant fear of torture and terrorist attack. No! I assume it must be because I am pretty, have an obsession with Lord of The Rings and am quite middle-class. They won't let any old riffraff into Aman y'know. Anyway, back to my story.
"Mae govannen, Mary-sue!" Leoglas called out to me chirpily; he had become like a brother to me, though I naturally wished for more. "Would you like to feel the baby?" He asked happily, as if this was a completely natural thing to say. I coughed and spluttered in disbelief.
"Oh, of course you wouldn't know. All elves are hermaphrodite's in possession of a vagina a womb and a penis, and thus any gender can create and carry children." Attempting to rid myself of disturbing mental images dancing through my mind, I enquired as to whom the father was.
"Oh, it's Aragorn." He smiled happily.
"And Arwen doesn't mind?" I was slightly incredulous, I certainly wouldn't want my man to be impregnating elf princes.
"Oh no, of course not, it was her idea! She could see the love we bore for one another, so, here we are." He grinned at me manically. I backed away. No wonder (delete as applicable) Elladan/Elrohir/Haldir/Glorfindel/Legolas/Aragorn hadn't fallen in love with me, they were all raging benders!
There you go, the basic plot of every Mary-sue/slash story minus the pointless waffle.