Fic title: Come undone
Author: Lena
Email: Jake and Peyton
Background info: this is some sort of deleted/extended scene from last episode. I haven't seen S2 yet, b/c is not in Argentina, so I'm based in what I read in different recaps (thanking Denises and Co. in here).
Dedicated to: Denise 1, Denise 3, all the JP shippers all over the world, Critta, my little sister, and of course, the girls at TWC.
Rated: R. Some language and tough scenes would be included
Thanks D3 for the beta!
Disclaimer: I don't own OTH, its characters and nothing in the line. Of course, I don't own the lyrics of "Come undone" by Robbie Williams, "Ordinary World" from Duran Duran or "Llueve sobre mojado" by J. Sabina and Fito Páez. Right now, I only own the cloud I'm walking on and the view of the rain over my Buenos Aires.
A/N: In terms of translation, "Llueve sobre mojado" has its equivalent in the English "When it rains, it pours". And Tuesday 13 is the same as Friday 13, a day of bad luck.
Come undone
Hay una lagrima en el fondo del río
de los desesperados
(There's a tear at the bottom of the river
Of the desperate)
Peyton looked at herself in the mirror of her room as she slowly tried to breathe, but she could not breathe anymore… she was no longer able to feel anything good- to feel happy, relieved.
Lucas had just left. He could not understand either. She did not want his pity. She never did. And that was all he had for her. It was all he'd had for her for a while now. She knew… she'd always known that it was a mix of pity and condescendence that had driven him to her the year before. That connection they thought was there was built more on the need of another than the real thing. He never needed her… he needed redemption in her. But that only led to more loneliness.
Dormir contigo es estar solo dos veces
es la soledad al cuadrado,
todos los sábados son martes y trece,
todo el año llueve sobre mojado.
(Sleep with you is being alone twice
It's loneliness at the square
Every Saturday is Tuesday and thirteen
All year long when it rains, it pours)
And that loneliness, her overwhelming loneliness, that led her to many mistakes. To betray someone that had been there for her; to hurt the one person, that even if had not been perfect, had always been there for her. That was the mistake she'd still carry the guilt for, regardless the façade she'd built around.
Llueve sobre mojado.
Bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla,
sueños equivocados,
Bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla,
llueve sobre mojado.
(When it rains, it pours,
Bla, bla, bla, bla
Mistaken dreams,
Bla bla bla
When it rains, it pours)
Y después de llover,
Un relámpago va
deshaciendo la oscuridad
con besos, que antes de nacer,
morirán.
(And after the rain
A lightening
Is undoing the darkness
With kisses that before being born
Are going to die)
Loneliness had made her stay with him for so long, despite the fact that there was a mess of drama and fights. At least, she knew who she was when she was with him. She was the trophy girlfriend, the one people envied and pitied at the same time. She had the drama, the fights, the games, the reconciliations. She had that boyfriend that was the most popular jock in the school, the one she could not recognize anymore, and the one that had changed 180 degrees and was a caring, loving person.
But not with her. Of course it was not with her… like she ever needed proof to know that she was never going to be the one to make a change. The one to be first on someone's list… None of what she'd had had been real.
Except for one thing. For one person. The one that no longer was there. He was out of reach. She'd written to him. She'd pleaded in her mind, making deals with a God she did not believe in, only for one word from him. Just one simple reply to her, to let her know that he was there…
But he was not.
I'm contemplating thinking about thinking
It's overrated just get another drink and
Watch me come undone
She reached for the bottle next to her, deciding to drown her mind in alcohol. To numb her loneliness as her mind drifted away to that one white line. It was so easy. All she needed was that and everything would be forgotten.
She knew it was wrong…. But he was not there.
Y, al final, sale un sol
incapaz de curar
las heridas de la ciudad,
Y se acostumbra el corazón
a olvidar.
(And in the end, comes a sun
Unable to heal
The wounds of the city,
And the heart gets used to
Forget)
And she just wanted to forget it all… she wanted to forget about the pain, the guilt, the pity and the loneliness. She wanted to forget the brown eyes that haunted her in her dreams. She wanted to forget his smile, his tender voice.
Because he was no longer there… he had forgotten about her. And she couldn't forget about him.
She needed something to forget, so she dialed the phone and asked for it. It was bad, but it was going to ease the pain. And she needed to ease the pain.
Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
His voice was refusing to leave her. As she walked the streets, as she was there, standing, waiting for that one white line she needed, she wanted; his voice was not leaving her… "What are you doing with yourself, Peyton?" she could hear him asking her inside her mind. And she did not want to answer. "I'm trying to forget… I need to forget" she slowly whispered.
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
"I can't do this anymore… I cannot take this anymore. I need the pain to go away. I need to stop feeling like my life is going down. I wanna be numb. I don't want to feel anymore" she went on, speaking to herself as she was talking to him… her mind filled with a thousand lyrics that refused to let go. The ones that had been locked in the dungeons of her mind and that were unlocking themselves at the same time. The ones that were driving her crazy, the ones that pushed her further and further on the edge, and the ones he used to silence just with his smile.
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
"Where are you?" she asked, her heart broken, her mind destroy "I need you, Jake"
Rick approached her and fixed her with the one thing she wanted now… and then her eyes played a bad joke on her. It had to be a bad joke...
"Do you know this guy?" he asked
"Jake…" she whispered softly
He was standing there, his eyes in anger and pain, reading her the way only he could do. And she just froze… she could not move, she could not talk…
She could not do a simple thing… because he was there.
Jake slowly moved to where she was and grabbed her hand.
"We're leaving," he said shortly.
"We're in the middle of something," replied Rick.
"Not happening," Jake talked to him with a strong tone and a fiercely stare. "Don't try to stop us, because you don't know what I'm capable of doing…"
Rick backed out and Jake pulled Peyton out of there, as he walked to her car and opened it. Peyton sat on the passenger seat, her mind collapsed now.
"Keys," ordered Jake.
"Jake…" she whispered.
"You're drunk, Peyton. Give me the keys," he replied shortly and she gave them to him. Jake started the car and drove directly to her house, without saying a word. And Peyton did not know what to say either. She'd seen his eyes and she knew what he was thinking. And he was right… she was gone. And he was disappointed in her.
He parked the car in the front of her house and got out of it. He opened the passenger door and pulled her away from the car as he grabbed her arm and made her enter the house…
"Jake… you're hurting me," she tried to say.
Jake could not bare to keep silent anymore.
"What the fuck are you doing Peyton?" he yelled at her, standing in the hall of her house, as she started to cry.
"Jake it's not…"
"Don't even think about it! I know exactly what you were doing in there… don't make excuses," he replied. "How could you do it? Why?"
His eyes were hurting, he was hurting and Peyton could not take it… not pity or anger. Not from him.
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray that when I'm coming down you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum
"Why?" The words started to burst out of her mouth, "You don't have the right to ask me that… you left, Jake. You left me here, on my own. And I know that you had to. But it did not ease the pain. And you never wrote…. Not even one word" the tears in her eyes broke Jake's heart.
"Peyton…"
"Don't," she pleaded, "I wrote to you. And you never wrote me back. I needed you here, or at least I needed to know that you still cared. But you never showed you cared… ever. My life went down and you were not here. I needed to stop feeling, to stop missing you. And this makes me stop feeling…"
"I don't want you to stop feeling, Peyton."
"Why? You don't even care."
"You think I don't care? You think this was easy on me? You think I don't lie in my bed thinking about you every single minute of every single day? I miss you more than you can imagine, Peyton," he replied, his eyes starting to fill with tears. "I could not write to you because it was too painful not to be able to say all the things I wanted to say…"
"What things?" she asked, her tears almost matching his.
"That without you nothing made sense- that without you, my days were all different shades of grey. No brightness, no smiles, no laughs. That I miss your laugh, your curly hair, your voice…"
Peyton collapsed in her couch, crying "Jake, I'm so lost…"
He sat next to her, his arm in her shoulders "I know…"
"How?"
"I read it in your emails… I felt it… somehow, yesterday, I felt like you needed me. And I just knew that I had to come back… I'm here," he replied as his hand went to her face and made her look at him. "Peyton," he whispered, his eyes filled with tears.
And then he leaned in and kissed her. His lips pressed on hers with strength but tenderness at the same time as she put her arms around his neck and she pulled herself to him. She did not know how long he was going to be there… but she did not want this opportunity to slip away.
He was the only one that could take her pain away. His arms were the only shelter where she could find peace.
Jake moved slowly to kiss her neck, making her moan softly between her tears, as her hands caressed his back and she lay on her couch with him on top. Feeling him, kissing him, she started to undo his shirt and he took her clothes off.
"I need you," she whispered in his ear before letting go of everything she had in her mind so she was just there, with him.
As the night went by, Peyton woke up and found him there, contemplating her.
"Jake," she said but he silenced her with a kiss.
"No, Jake, listen to me," she said. "I need to know, when are you…" her eyes filled with tears as she could not end that sentence.
"Never," he replied, taking a strand of her curly hair and putting it behind her ear. "I'm never leaving again… I'm not leaving you."
Her eyes looked at him between tears and joy "Jake… you're really back," she said.
"Yes…" he said kissing her softly, "And it's not because you need me… it's because I need you."