Spencer keeps on nodding absently as Brendon rambles on the differences between rabbits and bunnies, which apparently are a lot. Not really listening, he just smiles and nods. Brendon grins back and keeps on taking out his frustration on people that confuse the two furry creatures.
No one should really care on fauna matters but, for fucking God's sake, it's Brendon. The kid who cries if his ice-cream melts too fast and yells at random people for spilling trash on the floor. Spencer finds it impossible for someone to hate the kid.
Jon, on the other side of Brendon and actually listening, nods and offers a comment every one in a while. Jon, the dude that always wears sandals and is the coolest kid around that never loses his composure. Always a lazy grin plastered on his face and being Brendon's un-related big brother.
"So they don't really even look alike?" Spencer asks, finally turning to Brendon and looking genuinely confused. Brendon lets out an exasperated sound and gives him an annoyed stare that makes Spencer feel stupid.
"I've been telling you for the past 30 minutes, Spencer-"
"Hey, guys." A small voice interrupts. Spencer freezes at the tone of voice and doesn't dare look up, making holes into the ground. He peers up and sees Jon staring at him with an eyebrow arched up.
"RYAN!" Brendon yells and flings himself at Ryan, as if after not seeing him for a very long time. Ryan flinches and gives him a small smile, his arm slowly curling around Brendon's waist.
If Spencer were in any other situation he would have laughed and confirmed on how gay they looked together.
If he were in another situation.
Right now a comment on Ryan's sexuality (because, come on, Spencer knows Ryan's been gay since last year when Ryan met Pete Wentz. School jock) would not end up well. Not when Spencer's own sexuality is in game as well.
"Uh, hey, Jon," Ryan greets and his eyes pull to meet Spencer's own blue ones, "Spencer."
Spencer gives him a curt nod. "Ryan."
That was enough to cause even more suspicion in Jon, who now had his eyes shifting from Ryan to Spencer and back. Innocent Brendon, of course, was completely oblivious. Just twirling a lock of Ryan's 'pretty' hair around his index finger and sighing dreamily.
There's a long silence following after that. Ryan and Spencer staring at each other, challenging to say a word, and Jon trying to read their minds and find out why the fuck they seem to edgy. What went wrong enough to stop Spencer from making a sarcastic remark and Ryan from flipping everyone who stares at him too long off.
The bell rings, indicating it's the start of class and Brendon walks off to him first class with Ryan while babbling excitedly and Jon keeps staring at Spencer. It makes him feel uneasy and shift his weight from one foot to the other.
"You fucked up, didn't you, Spencer Smith?"
~.~.~.~.~
Lunch is awkward, to say at least. Usually it's Ryan and Spencer's bickering that makes their usual table get a warm homey feeling. But without Jon's laughs, Ryan's yells and Spencer's snorts, Brendon's rapid talking just gets annoying.
"And then Kara moved over to grab the pot but it slipped and-"
"Brendon?" Jon interrupts. Brendon stops talking (with Spencer resisting a sigh of relief) and grins at the older boy.
"Yeah, Jon?" He asks, a huge grin stretched so large it seems to hurt his cheeks.
"Do you think you could go look for William for me? I need to talk to him." Jon tells him carefully, slowly pronouncing each and every word.
It's cruel, to say at least. Cruel seeing Jon take advantage of Brendon's innocence and ability to want to help everyone and anyone at any time, especially after taking care of him like his own blood. But in times like these, Jon has no other choice but using Brendon's ADHD to his privilege.
"Okay!" Brendon exclaims enthusiastically and jumps up. Jon gives him a grateful smile and Brendon waves, before disappearing inside the school while yelling William's full name for everyone to hear.
"William Eugene Beckett!"
Once he's out of sight, Jon's smiling warm face is replaced into a stony business-like expression, his cold eyes piercing into Spencer's so hard he feels like shrinking. And talking about the Spencer Smith, who makes the toughest teachers feel depressive and want to die, it's a big deal. Ryan who is on the other fair side of the table, stares at Jon, annoyed.
"Ryan. Spencer," Jon begins, and Spencer is surprised to see Jon's tone replaced by iciness, "I don't know what the fuck happened between you two and I don't even feel like asking but whatever it is, I want you two to fix it and I want it fixed now."
Spencer's sees from the corner of his eyes Ryan's posture go rigid and he knows he imitated the action himself.
"I don't see what you mean, Jon." Ryan responds impassively, and he takes a gulp out of his water bottle casually as if he couldn't care less. Seeing Jon's eye roll, Spencer knows he's not the only one that knows Ryan best. Ryan's been indifferent and cold for years whenever he's about to lose it.
"Suck it up, Ross," Jon sneers (fucking sneers), "I know you and Spencer are in problems. And since I know it's all bullshit I won't let you ruin your friendship, because not only would you two be affected, but Brendon wouldn't stand seeing his friends hate each other."
Spencer sighs, "Jon, look-"
Jon holds a hand up before Spencer could continue. He shakes his head and glares at Spencer. Spencer cringes under his glare and bites his bottom lip. He's oblivious on how Ryan's eyes follow the movement.
"I don't want to hear it, Spencer," Jon says, "I really don't. Just- Talk and somehow solve it before Brendon realizes something is wrong."
Ryan snorts. "Brendon's not stupid, Jon," He jeers, "He already knows."
It's no use hiding anything from Jon anymore. Jon sighs.
"No, he isn't. He's smarter than more than half the school. Just not in socialism and class structure. He just thinks you're fucking sick, Ryan. And thinks making you laugh will make you feel better," Jon sighs once more and his eyes shift between them yet again, "Whatever you do, don't hurt yourselves or anyone else."
"JON! I FOUND WILL!" Brendon's shrill voice is heard from the distance. They turn to find Brendon jumping up and down at the entrance of the school with his hand tightly clutching on William's sleeve, who is laughing at Brendon's enthusiasm and waving offhandedly at Jon.
Jon gives them one last sad smile and he gets up. Brendon's little giggle is his cue to leave.
"…"
"So…" Spencer starts and glances at Ryan. It's so weird having to be careful with Ryan, because they've known everything about each other and they never found any use to be cautious around one another before.
Ryan finally sighs and surprises Spencer by fully turning to face him, his eyes dull. "Spencer, I'm sorry."
Spencer's confused.
"Dude, don't worry. There's nothing to apologize for. It was a stupid idea," He sighs, "At least I don't have to freak Linda out anymore."
Ryan laughs and suddenly everything's alright. He shakes his head and sits to the edge of his seat to move closer, since talking on different sides of a long table is just awkward.
"Dude, let's not turn all cheesy with apologizes, alright? Let's just… forget it. Your first -uh-," Ryan seemed to flinch a bit but kept on smiling, "Kiss, never happened. Deal?" He hold his fist up towards Spencer, smile still on. Spencer smiles slightly back and pumps their fists together.
"Deal and sealed, dude." He responds. Ryan beams and stands up, passing Spencer's seat and ruffling his hair.
"Alright. Let's forget about it and I'll see you later, I have to talk to Frank. Catch you later."
Spencer nods and with another grin Ryan disappears into the school doors, his weird red jacket being the last thing Spencer sees.
Spencer sighs and feels déjà vu when he buries his face in his hands.
Ryan's not mad or freaked out. He offers to forget everything and be the best friends of before, joking around and offending each other brutally. Become soul brothers again. If it's a dream come true then why does Spencer feel an odd ache in his stomach at the thought of Ryan blowing him off?
~.~.~.~.~
The rest of the day goes smoothly, or as normal as it could be. When Ryan smiles at seeing Spencer approach them in gym Jon smiles at him too, gratefully. Brendon, as usual, is babbling endlessly and Ryan laughs at something he says.
Spencer frowns and sighs, staring at the ground as he arrives. Jon's smile immediately wipes off his face and his eyebrows furrow at seeing Spencer so down, like a puzzle he must finish. Jon slowly places a hand on his shoulder, making Spencer look up and Jon points his chin at him. Spencer shrugs and stares at the wall.
Jon grumbles under his breath fro the rest of the class about the never ending problems.
The Ryan-Spencer difficulty seems to have been solved and faded away into the past but now Spencer looks as if he just witnessed someone takes his dog's biscuit, ate it in his face and then get beat up to death. Ryan seems perfectly fine, though.
Jon viciously throws the ball to pass at Gerard, who catches it with an 'oof!' and glares at Jon for the ruthlessness. Jon glares back and Gerard looks away.
Spencer sits by the bleachers the whole class, claiming to the teacher he feels sick and sprained an ankle over the weekend. Drama queen, Jon thinks.
"Spencer." Ryan breaths out in the middle of the class, bent over with his hands on his knees and panting with his cheeks flushed and body sweaty, "Why aren't you in class?" And he begins gasping for air once more.
Spencer avoids his eyes and pretends to be looking at everyone playing a tough game of basketball. "I just feel a bit dizzy." He responds. Ryan hums and keeps staring at him.
"Right…I know you, Spencer Smith."
This snaps Spencer out of his trance and meets eyes with him. "Huh?"
Ryan rolls his eyes and sits next to Spencer on the bleachers. He's squinting to take at the light on top of the gym and he pretends to be nonchalant about it.
"You can't look me in the eyes when you have something bothering you." He responds. Spencer's eyes narrow.
"I don't have anything bothering me!" He snaps. Ryan turns and raises an eyebrow.
Spencer sighs and runs a hand down his face before standing up without another word and walking to the instructor. With a couple of words exchanged the coach is finally nodding and Spencer runs out the gym doors.
Jon had been following his every move and knows it had to do with Ryan. Ryan, well Ryan just looks confused.
~.~.~.~.~
The next day Ryan finds himself walking to school by himself. Spencer wasn't where they usually meet to walk to school together. It's been the first time, except for when either of them would get sick. Yesterday doesn't count since it was because of, well, the make-out session. Ryan hates remembering.
Spencer hates him.
God, he fells like dying.
At school Jon won't stop glaring at Spencer. And Brendon, who finally seems to walk on the real world, tugs on Jon's shirt because he doesn't like seeing Spencer shrink in fear and shame. Ryan sighs as Spencer avoids eyes with him again and even when they're talking looks anywhere but at him. He thought the problem was solved?
Jon stares at Spencer's back as he walks away, after Spencer mumbled an excuse of leaving before the bell rang. Brendon pouts and makes a mini tantrum at Spencer's early departure. At some time during his outburst his hand had gone down from Ryan's shoulders to holding his hand. It felt weird.
"Fags." Someone coughs as they pass by. Brendon's grin turns wider and doesn't seem to mind and instead tightens his hold on Ryan's hand. But when Ryan wriggles his hand out of Brendon's, his doe-like brown eyes look innocently up at him. Ryan looks at the lockers behind him.
"Ryan?" Brendon whispers. Ryan jerked his head in Jon's direction.
"See you later, Jon." He says. And Jon nods. Ryan walks away and Brendon hopeful eyes follow him.
~.~.~.~.~
It starts with mindless flirting. Spencer swears (crosses his heart and hopes to die) that he doesn't know how it starts. It just happens. Ryan kept brushing hands and once Spencer got the hand of it and managed to stop blushing, he played along.
They sat closer than usual under their usual tree with Jon and Brendon, and Ryan once even managed to wrap his long arm around Spencer's waist. Jon frowns at them, but being the awesome fucker he is, chooses to not comment.
Then, one day when Ryan and Spencer have one of their traditional Friday movie nights (silently wrapped together in a blanket with thighs smashed together and Spencer's hand on Ryan's knee) Brendon decides to stop by at Ryan's to invite him to go for a huge yogurt cup full of gummy bears and strawberries (just like Ryan likes it) with him and even pay for his food with his weekly allowance along with a Krispy Kreme donut.
Being the sneaky kid he is, he quietly opens the door and giggles as he realizes he would finally manage to scare Ryan… maybe even give him a kiss to scare away the fear and make him feel better. Just like Brendon had daydreamed for years, ever since he first met Ryan Ross.
But when he sees Ryan lying on Spencer's neck and Ryan's turning to breath on Spencer's shoulder, pressing his lips on the exposed skin, he cries out and feels a tear run down his porcelain skin at the sight. Though his fantasy had never been true, he felt betrayed.
He curses and yells out internally the moment he fell for Ryan's beautiful auburn eyes and button nose.
He sobs and sniffs externally as he sees Spencer's curious eyes turn around to see who is making all the noise. Ryan barely glances at him and blows a hot breath on Spencer's neck once again to catch his attention and then turns to watch the screen.
When Spencer's concerned voice asks him what happened and why he seems so down and crushed, Brendon shakes his head rapidly and walks out the house once more. His money seems to be burning in his jean's pocket, taunting him.
His little locket with a picture of Ryan and himself grinning seeming to want to tear his chest into pieces.
A nice try but his heart is already doing enough.
~.~.~.~.~
At school Brendon avoids both boys as much as he can, and Jon glares at them and hisses for the day of their death if they don't make Brendon smile again. When Jon asks, Brendon pathetically tries to smile and coughs out a laugh. The false laugh seems to hurt his throat.
"Nothing, Jonny," He quietly responds while staring into the ground, "It's just. You were right. Ryan's just not the person he tends to pretend to be most of the time."
Jon doesn't ask again, since he knows who's he killing first. Out of all people, to hurt Brendon? Only someone as cruel as Anton Chigurh would manage to do such thing. But even that heartless man would feel the shame and guilt kill him inside out in the end.
What's worse than seeing Brendon cry?
Only seeing Brendon die.
But to Jon, it's exactly the same thing.
George Ryan Ross, I hope you fucking die in the deepest pit of hell. You motherfucker.
~.~.~.~.~
Exactly three weeks later (after Brendon still sighs at the sight of them and walks away, Jon glares and flips them off, and Ryan still shoots him flirtatious smiles along with his hand slowly trailing up his leg under the table at lunch) Spencer finds himself smiling at everyone he sees in the school halls. Even people he's never talked to in his life and give him confused stares as if he were a freak. Spencer doesn't care, because honestly, it's such a beautiful day, isn't it?
The sun shining. Birds chirping. People laughing. The basics.
He's barely even notices that suddenly all his friends hate him, except for Ryan of course. That's why Ryan's special.
Ryan. Sigh.
He's rounding the corner to Ryan's locker, having to stop himself from skipping. Because Spencer does not skip. No. Not at all. That's too fucking girly.
Then he stops in his tracks.
Ryan's at his locker, of course. He always is. Waiting for Spencer, standing in his own glory to start a normal talking session, full of giggles and the bat of lashes. Only this time he's not alone.
He has a girl pressed on his locker. A girl. And his hands are roaming her body freely with his mouth making weird sucking noises on her mouth, her lips tainted in a bright red and wearing loads of make-up. Everyone who passes by seems to gag and Spencer's thankful he's not the only one. But no one seems so close to throwing up as him.
Once they part Ryan has red on his own lips and even on his throat. Spencer finally gets to see that it's Keltie Colleen, school slut. Spencer snorts dryly and wonders why he's not surprised. Ryan smiles smugly at her, his hands on her hips slowly trailing under her skirt. She giggles and fucking touching his crotch. Spencer's trying not to stalk towards them that minute.
At that moment Ryan turns around and his eyes meet Spencer.
And he waves.
As if it were normal. Just the best friends of ever. No complications, no lipstick all over his face and no whore whining for his attention back on her.
Spencer swallows, bites down tears and nods towards him. Being the fucking childish dude he is, he enters a bathroom stall and sits on the toilet. He waits for the bell to ring and the hall to clear for his sobs to escape.
~.~.~.~.~
"Alright. Spencer Smith," Jon mocks once he has the other cornered on his way to the lunch. Spencer winces at the hostility and looks away, "It's been days since you last talked to Ryan and even looked at him and before you were on following puppy on him. You make Brendon turn complete cold and then you decide to ignore the fucking world?! I want explanations, Spencer Smith, and I'm not asking."
Jon's brown eyes are piercing into Spencer's skull and Spencer's afraid that if he looks into his eyes he'll turn into stone.
"I-I"
"Spit it out."
Spencer closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "It's Ryan."
This doesn't seem to take Jon by surprise, but instead his eyes turn even stonier.
"No shit, Sherlock. But I want details."
"He's an asshole."
"And you discover this now why?"
Spencer opens his mouth to respond but the words keep jumping back into his mouth and making him gasp for air. He ends up leaning his head on Jon's shoulder and feels a series of tears run down his face and on Jon's nice shirt.
"Jon, I don't know what to do. I need help," Spencer chokes out, "I-I can't have fallen for Ryan. I shouldn't have, but I didn't seem to have a choice. Jon, I had a nice life. I liked girls and my best friends were always there for me. What went wrong?" He ended in a whisper.
Finally, Jon's hands wrapped around Spencer and pulled his close, his chin resting on the top of Spencer's head. He shushed him and shook his head.
"Calm down, Spencer. We'll find an answer. Ryan won't be able to ruin everyone's lives anymore, that I can promise."
"It's like he does it on purpose!" Spencer sobs. Jon sighs and tightens his hold.
"Maybe, maybe not. It's Ryan, for Pete's sake. The guy who laughed when he saw a hamster get run over by a truck in the street."
Spencer looks up with hopeful eyes and stares up at Jon. "Make it better?" He asks. Jon shakes his head.
"I'm sorry, Spence. I can't. You're the only one who can do that, you just need the courage."
Spencer wipes his tears with the back of his hand and sniffs before giving Jon a last smile.
"Thank you, Jon. I understand." He says. Jon laughs lightly and ruffles his hair.
"You know I'm here for you." Jon responds, no matter how cheesy it sounds.
Spencer exhales and grabs his bag from the floor. He already missed more than lunch and half of his Physics class, and he didn't mind. Might as well skip the rest of the day, right?
Once turning back to Jon and staring mournfully, he answers, "You always are."
~.~.~.~.~
Sometimes things seem easier in movies. Reality is nearer, you know.
It doesn't just take a love confession to finally get a kiss and a happily ever after.