A Life Rich in Irony
Chapter Two
The girl is huffing and panting. She probably isn't used walking short distances in the woods. I'm used to it instead, since before buying my first horse –and then moving on to Shadowmere– I had to walk quite a bit. Somehow the guards always knew when I stole a horse from one of them.
Time spent in jail never was something funny, let me tell you that.
It helped that being a Nord I was the toughest and strongest –barring orcs, but they had no discipline for fist-fighting. Oh, and did I mention jails were unisex?
The good old times…
"Ahem," Louise spoke as we returned to camp, her hair ruffled and her clothes covered in leaves. "Familiar! Bring me back to the academy!"
I raise an eyebrow. "No."
She stutters for a moment, and I admit she looks sort of cute. Like my daughter when she's caught with her hands in the honey jar.
"Why not!? They'll be searching for me, and we have to clear this misunderstanding!" she exclaimed. "They'll believe you've kidnapped me!"
"Yes," I nod. "That's good."
"How is that good!?" Louise screamed. "Are you mad!? How can kidnapping a noble be anything good!?"
"Ransom is a nice way to start your life of crime," I reply with a shrug. "And it shows you what the right circles are."
"I don't believe it," the girl shook his head as she slumped down on the ground. "Only the Zero could have a familiar like this. Why couldn't you be a griffin or a dragon?"
"I kill dragons," I retort firmly. "I'll let you know that after the first dozens, they stop being a challenge." I gesture towards the dropped stick with the mushrooms on it. Now there are ants covering it, probably hungry themselves. "I suppose you won't eat this."
I grab it and, much to my surprise, the girl goes 'ew'.
Ants give the crunchiness that vegetables lack, so I'll never understand why some people don't like them. They also taste slightly salty, better than salt sometimes.
Her stomach growls once more. She blushes, hard, and then clenches her hands against her thighs. "I…wait," she blinks. "You kill dragons?"
"I said that?" I blink back. "Uh, nah, I don't."
"B-But! You said you killed them!"
"Well, if you say that I say that I kill dragons, then I'll let you say that," I nod. My right hand roams inside my leather pouches. Maybe I can find…oh, and here it is!
"Here," I say handing over one of my last remaining pieces of Skeever roast. "A bit stale, but it's well preserved."
She takes the meat with wariness, but ends up eating it all the same. She frowns for a moment as she gives a hesitant bite, but in the end she eats it all and even licks her fingers.
She blushes more after that.
"Was that pork?"
I smile.
"I…I think I don't want to know," she hastily adds. My smile drops. "Hey," she suddenly says. "Can…can you tell me what you intend doing with me?" her voice is low and frightened now, maybe she is finally realizing the situation she is in.
"We're going on a trip," I remark firmly. "We have to find others like you," I say. "And then I'll leave."
"What do you mean? You're my familiar," Louise whispered. "You're supposed to stay until you die or the wizard who summoned you does."
"Ah," I smile. "That's not a problem."
She shudders.
"You're not going to kill me, are you?"
"No," I shake my head. "Not yet. You're what, fourteen? I don't kill kids."
"I'm seventeen!" she huffed. I blinked. I looked at her carefully once more, before slowly asking.
"Do you have vampires in your family?"
"W-What sort of question is that!?"
I shrug. "I knew a vampire girl once, she looked barely past twelve but she was two hundred years old."
"W…Vampires don't exist!"
"They do from where I come from," I remark easily. I should actually have a few vials of Porfyria in my pockets. Nothing gives you a reasonable excuse to kill someone you hate as turning him into a vampire, watch him eat his entire family and then 'rightfully' kill him in plain daylight.
The best thing? If you're quick enough you can save the widow and then leisurely console her later.
"And where do you come from? You're a barbarian, but your skin tone isn't that of Germania…are you from Gallia?"
"Skyrim," I reply. "It's a land far away. You wouldn't have heard of it."
"Do all barbarians in Skyrim act like you?" Louise's voice was soft as she spoke. She was shivering, probably from fright rather than the cold –then again with my Nordic blood I simply didn't feel it.
"No," I shrug. "Many act worse. I've seen a few doing some things…unspeakable." The orcs especially are mean with their children. Sending their toddlers to battle with an axe twice their size and expecting them to survive the onslaught? Imbeciles, that's what the green skin are.
The girl nodded meekly, before shuffling her feet on the ground. "What now?"
"Now you sleep," I say firmly. "I stand guard, and tomorrow we'll be off to the city."
I calmly bring up Mephunes' Dagger to gleam in the moonlight. "And if you try to run…I will find you."
She hugs herself after my words, falling defeated on the ground near the fire and taking up a fetal position. Is she really that cold? I sigh as I grab from my backpack a blanket. My horse had much of my stuff: I'm stuck without my heavy weapons, my heavy armor, my general 'awesomeness condensed in packs'. Technically speaking, I had everything for every occasion. Now I'll have to make due with 'Nearly everything for every occasion'.
I'll need to restock on alchemical supplies…and around me there is a forest.
The next morning, the girl wakes up warily. I can sense her waking up, especially because I was bored half-way through the night and began dangling my dagger a few inches away from her face.
She stares at it in shock. The tip is barely an inch away from her nose when I remove it slowly. "Let's move."
My words snap her out of her fright induced paralysis…and bring her in a fear induced coma.
She faints with her eyes rolling backwards, and that simply makes me grumble. Why can't she take a dagger in the face like everyone else? I remember my youngest: she always tries to grip the blade with her tiny digits! Of course the blade's poisoned, so I generally avoid letting her touch it but…ehi, she even giggles when she sees the dagger glint!
I hoist the girl on the horse and pack up camp, before mounting the animal myself and starting to make my way in a lazy trot on the road. Many would think that a guy dressed in black with a girl fainted on his knees would be worthy of investigation, but let me tell you that the occasional merchant that crosses you –even if you're carrying an elven maiden to your dark necromancer lair– never generally stops to look at you. For one thing, it's not their business.
Secondly, they pretty much know the guy dressed in black can rip them apart with but a movement of his hand: thus they just go on and mumble something about 'Guards not being here now'.
Heroes don't exist in bulk: how else can you explain the shitload of stuff I had to do otherwise?
The fun thing about the city is that the guards standing watch are just two. You know what they say about two guards in front of a gate?
That they're two guards soon to be deceased.
In Cyrodiil, one had to kill to ensure the Dark Brotherhood would know of your actions and call you forth to test your worth.
In Skyrim, I had to meet Aventus Arrentino and kill an orphanage granny –the orphanage woman on the other hand…well, there were quite a few comfortable beds around there and the kids were always out playing.
"So," I dismounted from the horse, leaving the girl hoisted on like a back of potatoes with the blanket covering her. "I'm going through and I am not the guy you are looking for."
The guards would retort, if not for the bag of gold that suddenly ends up in their hands.
Always have at least five hundred coins to go with.
You can pay off a murder if you're caught –although if you're caught because of murder, then you shouldn't be a murderer to begin with.
The two actually look at one another and then turn the blind eye towards me as I enter.
The horse follows me with his docile behavior, and the shady part of town soon admits me to its secrets. The shanty buildings are either on the outskirts of the city or pressed up against the walls, they're made of wood and nine times out of then they are also highly inflammable. How do I know that? Well…Fireball misshapen.
I still blame the Alto Wine in my body that night.
It doesn't take much to find what I'm looking for: a dingy old pub with an ill reputation.
I don't care about the reputation or the fact it's a pub. I care that it's an old pub. It means someone's protecting the owner from 'changing' hands, because there's something going on deep beneath it.
They can call me murderer, hero, dovahkiin…but I'm also the Guild leader of two Thieves' guild…one two hundred years of difference from the other, but both undoubtedly 'thief-like'.
I park the horse outside, grabbing my stuff and hoisting the girl on my shoulder. I give a simple look to the kids outside, looking at me as if I were a mark.
I crackle my free hand with a spark of electricity and gesture at the horse. "You know a good fence, boy?" my voice is gruff and rough, but I then throw him a gold piece which he deftly catches. "Stealing from wizards always makes me thirsty." I wink at him.
"Yeah man!" the boy replies laughing, shoulder-bumping his associates. "We know that. Nobleman caught with his pants down?" he stares at the gold coin for a moment, before biting it and feeling apparently satisfied.
Even if the form is different, gold is gold and it makes the world go round.
"That one it is! When they're taking a shit in the woods they never check for the bushes nearby! It's my lucky day and I feel generous. Got myself a horse and all," I tap on the blanket that is covering Louise on my shoulder. "So?"
"We can take care of it if you want," one of them chuckles. "Horses sell well. Nobles are too dumb to find out. My brother sold a horse three times to the same guy, stealing it back every night."
"That had to be a dumb bastard," I retort. "Well, if you tell me the fence and hang around, I'll give you a cut and a drink later on."
The older one nods. If I had 'given them the task' they'd have just disappeared with the horse. In this world beneath the shadows nothing's for free and everything has a price.
"Inside, look for Magritte," the one I gave the gold coin to says. "Say Tim and Tam sent you and are your friends. He'll make you a nice price."
I shrug. "Good to know. You prefer mead or wine, boys?"
"Wine!" they chorus as I enter the pub. The wench serving at the tables is an old and scraggly looking woman. She looks every bit like one of those tired Imperials who ended up in Skyrim by mistake with the Legion, and never managed to leave.
Her hair is grey and dirty, matted with sweat. "Ehi you," I gesture to the wench rudely. "Where's my friend," I place a gold coin in her greasy palm. "My friend known as Magritte?" I whisper.
She looks to the corner of the pub, and I know I'm on the right track. "Bring the boys outside a friend known as Wine," I hand her two gold coins, and her eyes widen like saucers. "And don't give them the washed up stuff…or I'll know."
I'm off to the corner and the irony is not lost.
When I entered, everyone stopped to look at me for a moment, to look at my cowl, my dark leather armor, my gauntlets…they sized me like I was a prey. I spoke the tongue they all shared, and they went back to their business a moment later. That and probably the dagger I casually began to fondle the handle of were a great help.
Magritte is a sleazy looking maggot-infested man. He seems more like a leper or one suffering from bone-wracking fever than an actual fence…which means he's good at his job.
If you just have to look at someone and say 'he's shady' then he's a poor fence, a horrible actor and an imbecile.
And also a soon to be dead person depending on whom he fenced the goods off to.
"My good friends Tim and Tam sent me," I remark as I gently drop the blanket and Louise on the other side of the table.
He gives a glance to the girl and sighs. "I don't take slaves. They're too costly to keep."
"Ah, no," I shake my head. "She isn't for sale. The horse outside is."
He stands and walks outside. He returns a few moments later and says firmly. "He'll be fifty Ecus."
"Gold coins?"
He nods at that.
"I want seven-hundred, my good friend."
A light green fog covers him a moment later.
I was an Imperial first, and the Voice of the Emperor…wait. I can use that now?
It's…It's back!
My voice! My VOICE!
"Of course, here," he hands them over quickly, and I smile brightly to him before standing up and leaving. I return just in time to grab Louise –I was nearly leaving her there!
The girl is still out cold, but that won't do.
We're not having breakfast here, and so we leave by the door leaving behind a befuddled fence –while I enjoy rat, I doubt Louise can stomach it.
The boys outside have already removed the raiment from the horse, and are currently dirtying it and taking away patches of fur to give him a different look.
The beast's accusing eyes are settled squarely on me as I hand over five coins to older guy of the troop.
A cut is a cut, and while they can believe the fence paid me fifty –I have no doubt they know what price the fence gives usually– I will keep the rest of the six-hundred ninety five coins with me.
It's nice to be smart.
I walk, but this time I move Louise on my shoulders and cover her up with the blanket in such a way that it resembles more me carrying a small child, than me being the kidnapper of a seventeen year old girl.
She's so small! How can she be seventeen? Does she eat enough?
Maybe her parents mistreat her? Poor thing! I knew a friend of my daughter was beaten by her father.
Her father died in the night.
Mysteriously.
Then her mother had another child.
Mysteriously once more.
There always were these mysteries in Skyrim…you never knew who could drop dead…or pregnant.
My steps took me to a decent looking whorehouse.
You want a nice meal and no questions asked? Whorehouses.
And if you feel your bed is cold, you can get someone to warm it for you.
"Hello! Welcome to the Fairy Charming Inn!" the girl who meets me at the entrance gives a frowning look towards my baggage. I smile sweetly.
"My daughter was tired from the trip," I say gently. The girl smiles and nods. "Of course!" she's wearing a frilly dress that I would see well on one of those sexy Daedra from Shivering Isles. Then again she isn't lacking curves, like the rest of the waitress around here are and…
"Sheogorath!" I exclaim pointing my finger at the only man dressed strange enough that if he isn't the god of madness then I don't know who he is.
"Uh? Non! Non! I am Scarron, the owner of the inn!" the man moves forward, showing his…flat chest, his belly button, his tight purple shirt and the lipstick on his mouth.
"Mi Mademoiselle!" a waitress exclaims from a corner, "The client needs a bath!"
"Of course!" he claps his hands. "I'll take care of it! Wait here darling!" he gestures to me, pointing to an empty table at the same time. "I'll be right back!"
I kind of sigh in defeat and take my seat. Just as I do, cheese appears on the plate near me.
"You called?" the cheese asks.
"No."
"All right," the cheese disappears.
I'm done saying Sheogorath's name.
As I wait for a waitress, I start to hum. "Our hero, our hero, claims a warrior's heart. I tell you, I tell you, the Dragonborn comes," I sing as I look around the inn.
"With a Voice wielding power of the ancient Nord art. Believe, believe, the Dragonborn comes." The people start to leave.
"It's an end to the evil, of all Skyrim's foes. Beware, beware, the Dragonborn comes." Scarron makes the last client leave and then smiles and then has the waitresses move to distract and entertain me. I know a trap when I see one, but then again…I feel nice, humming to myself.
"For the darkness has passed, and the legend yet grows." I sing a bit louder, as the doors open and the guards stroll in. These are wearing mantles with the symbol of the Fleur da Lys, and are apparently all females.
"You'll know, You'll know the Dragonborn's come…"
And as I finish singing, a purple haired woman dressed in white steps in, with a small mantle and a mace in scepter in her hand. I grin and by the time I'm done smiling, Mephunes' dagger is at Louise's throat. The girl is still knocked out –she had to be a heavy sleeper, that's all the explanation I can find about it.
"Unhand Louise Françoise this instant," the woman speaks. "You are surrounded, Kidnapper."
"I'm not a Kidnapper," I reply calmly, "I'm a Woman-Napper. I nap with women." I wink. "My, how many women do we have here?"
"You don't want to fight your way out, scum," the leader of the females barks, taking out a strange tube-like thing. "Don't make us shoot you down. From this distance, I can't miss."
"Really?" I smile. Is that a crossbow? Maybe it's one with a small arrow.
"Why don't we all sit down and have a nice chat?" I ask. "I'm in a good mood after all! No need for bloodshed, right?"
"Right," the purple haired woman nods firmly as she walks forward.
"Your Grace, you can't!" the blond haired female that looks like a male exclaims then, "It's…"
"Agnes," the Jarl-Girl remarks, "I can take care of myself…and this Kidnapper holds Louise Françoise hostage: there is no way I will not intervene for a peaceful solution if one can be found."
The girl then sits down in front of me. "I am Princess Henrietta de Tristain, ruler to be of Tristain. Today is the day of the Void, a holy day. There should be no blood shed on this day."
"Really?" I smile. "How nice to know! Nicer still would be…how you knew where to find me. You came from the gutter didn't you girl?"
My eyes aren't on the captain of the guard. They aren't even on the Princess. They're on the dark skinned girl which looks like a Redguard that stands slightly behind the others, as if she didn't truly believe she belonged with them.
"You've got ears in the ground," I smile. "I like that! Always keep an ear on the ground," I wink. "And never come unprepared."
"I have given you my name, but I have yet to hear yours," Henrietta states with a firm tone, but I can feel her wariness. She believes I'm mad. I'm not. I'm just fooling around to keep her on her toes, to unnerve her and I'm actually managing that quite easily.
"I am Vittorio!" I proclaim proudly. "Vittorio of Skyrim and familiar to this girl here," I nudge my right hand's index into Louise's cheek. She still doesn't budge. Then again, if she did then my dagger would probably prick her skin and kill her.
"You lie," the Jarl-Girl states, "No human can be a familiar, not since Founder Brimir and Gandalfr was there…"
"I am who I say I am," I shrug. "Believe or not believe, it won't change the truth." I move the dagger away from Louise's neck and pinch her on the thigh strongly.
She jerks up screaming suddenly, making all the guards tense. Louise looks around like a lost lamb, before narrowing on me. "Vittorio!? Wh…Princess? Your…Where are we!? Why are we surrounded!?"
"They think I kidnapped you," I reply firmly in a serious stone. "They don't believe I'm your familiar," I add smoothly.
"Louise Françoise?" Henrietta speaks hesitantly. "Is what this man said true? Is he your familiar?"
"I…" she stutters, before giving a hesitant nod. The fact I'm quietly pointing my second dagger at her sides makes it even more hesitant and convincing.
Henrietta sighs in relief. "God gracious! What extraordinary circumstance this is!"
"Your majesty!" Agnes barks. "You can't believe…"
"Now, now," the princess smoothly says interrupting her housecarl. "It was all a big misunderstanding," she then turns to look at me. "And you are a bad familiar for having made such a heavy joke."
"Oh?" I bring up my right eyebrow. Is she actually thinking what I'm thinking this is all about?
It might just be.
Oh, it might just be.
"Indeed," Henrietta nods. "Guards? Leave us alone. Agnes? Give a hefty recompense to the man for having emptied his inn in the middle of the day and tell him to go…somewhere else."
"You're as subtle as a fiddle, first time trying an underhanded deal?" I comment calmly with a lazy grin on my face. The Jarl has the decency to blush as the guards leave, but I can see the girl's housecarl is in wait outside the doors, ready to burst in at a moment's glance.
"Princess?" Louise asked, perplexed.
"Louise Françoise," Henrietta whispered. "You must forgive this shameful princess for what she has done."
"All right," I clap my hands. "Who did you fuck?"
There is a moment of silence where I stare at both of them, before blinking. "What? It's true! Do you have any ideas how many times I heard those lines? It's like every women I go to be with must have their husband walk in on the scene! 'Oh honey you must forgive your shameful wife for what she has done!' So I have to ask…rather than the who…was he any good at it?" I wiggle my eyebrows.
Louise turns red. Like, really red. She tries to fumble for her mini-staff but since I destroyed it…well, good chance trying to convince the splinters to work well.
The princess-Jarl whatever is actually coughing and looking sideways. "I require your help in sending a message to someone," she said then crisply.
"Of course your Highness!" Louise is already kneeling on the ground and looking at me angrily. I just shrug and chuckle.
"They will be deep in Albion, the floating continent," she continues, "and in the castle of Lord Wales and what little of his loyal forces he still has."
"So I have to kill him?" I ask then, only to get a strangled gasp back at me. "So I don't have to kill him. You want me to send him a message and you don't want me to kill him? I have to torture him then?"
"No!" Henrietta let out a strangled gasp. "I have a letter to send him!"
"Ah…a letter," I nod calmly. "Poisoned?"
"No," Henrietta shakes her head firmly. "Louise Françoise, is your familiar…this bloody?"
"Your highness…I think he's not entirely sane."
"I'm still here and I can hear you!" I rebuke them, before standing up and slamming one of my spare knifes on the table's surface.
"If you want her help," I point at Louise, "Feel free to send her to die alone. If you want my help, you'll have to do it my way, but you'll be able to plead plausible deniability if I were captured." I cough slightly, as I let the cowl come down to reveal my Nordic features. I'm sure she's already wet: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on the right cheek which gives me a rugged handsome look and a twinkle in my eyes that shows I know humor...I'm the perfect catch. "There is a ritual to be done to call forth my services," I remark. "And a price to be paid." I bring the cowl back up to cover my features.
"This is to me, after all…"
I smile at the punch line.
"Only business."
"I understand," Henrietta nods slowly as she takes the knife. "It requires blood?"
"Princess! You can't!" Louise's hand is up, but I deftly catch her by the wrist.
"No, Louise Françoise," Henrietta shakes her head. "He is your familiar, but…if as he says he works on business alone, then money will not be a problem."
"The ritual is important too," I deadpan. "Without it, the Unholy Matron cannot come and call upon me."
"Unholy matron?" Louise's mouth is trembling. "Are you a demon cultist!? No! I can't have summoned a…"
"Oh would you please shut up," I sigh as I plant my hand firmly on her mouth. "Am I talking to you, girl?" I snarl. "I'm talking to the princess, who has something so dangerous in mind that she was willing to give her trust to me, a perfect stranger, if simply because of my association with you. So be quiet and let her speak."
Louise's eyes grow tears, but I let her be teary as I nod towards Henrietta, who shudders before starting her tale.
"I need a letter delivered to Prince Wales of Albion and…would you be able to kill someone too?"
"I can," I nod firmly. "But the ritual must be done separately for each of the tasks assigned."
"I want you to kill the leader of the Reconquista," Henrietta's eyes grow hard as she speaks, and I smirk inwardly at that. "And I…" she bites her lips for a moment, "There is something else," she shudders and trembles. "The Germanian prince I am set to marry…he is a brute. His younger brother would be…easier to suffer from."
"A letter to someone holed up in a castle," I muse out loud. "A death for a leader of rebels and a death for a Germanian prince…" I smile. "Very well…Those will bring out the true infamy of the Dark Brotherhood in this land," I grin as I finally tell the woman what the ritual entails.
"You will go back home, find a suitable room shrouded in darkness and there you will craft with human body parts the effigies of those you wish killed. You will use that dagger coated in this plant's oil," I procure from one of my pocket a nightshade, "and then…then you will intone as follows."
"Sweet mother, sweet mother, send your child unto me for the sins of the unworthy must be baptized in blood and fear." As I speak, the lights around the room seem to dim ever so slightly. The fire pit crackles and the flames lower themselves down to mere smoldering ashes.
A cold breeze picks up, as I smile wickedly to the paling princess.
"And once you have done so…you will take accords with the Unholy Matron herself for the deal…and she will come to me, her Listener…and I will deal with it as I see fit." Louise's body is now beyond freezing point, as I can see her breath condense from the cold that surround us.
"Remember these words," I intone then calmly.
"What is life greatest Illusion? Innocence, my brother." The windows look murky, the sun's rays barely filter through even though they were spotless when I first entered with Louise.
"What is the music of life? Silence, my brother." As I finish speaking the passphrase to enter the sanctuary of the Dark Brotherhood in Cyrodiil, the sun is seemingly clouded by a storm.
It is but an instant, and the next the light is back to its blinding strength. Henrietta winces as she slowly and hesitantly hides the knife in her vest, while Louise looks completely traumatized by what she has seen.
"Who are you?" Henrietta asks in the end.
"I am…many things," I reply calmly. "I am too many to say and to remember." I nod slowly towards Louise's direction. "I am also a familiar of the Void. Sithis himself…he bestows upon me his powers," I flex my hands. "For I am his most powerful child," I add.
I stand up then, grabbing Louise by the shoulders and lifting her from the ground.
"Listen to me child: I will be back for you, and together we will find the other users of the void. I can make you powerful, child. More powerful than anyone else in this world could…All I ask is that when the time comes," I let her on the ground, "You remember my words."
And then I make a small bow in their direction…and slip out in the shadows.
Actually, I just move towards a corner and crouch down, letting the Chameleon spell do the rest as they go into the usual 'shocked' mode of 'Where the hell did he go!?'
Lucien Lachance taught me that trick.
I should try and summon him and tell him the good news: we've got a new outpost! Well, a new area of influence.
And I'm already the first member!
He'd be proud of me, I'm sure.
If it weren't for the fact I got him killed…
I'm sure he doesn't carry a grudge for that, after all it's not like he can connect the dots between this Nord form and the past Imperial one now, can he?
I hold myself from laughing when I see the guards enter and look around befuddled.
Silently, I crouch and follow straight from behind the princess the 'procession' that brings her back in her palace.
Literally: I'm hiding behind her and nobody sees me.
I always said that being invisible was the first thing to learn in the world…
And here I go: I'm in a palace. A royal palace filled with gold, silver, and what-not.
That's when the Kleptomaniac side of me starts to act up.
…
Eh…
I just know I'll need a bigger sack.
Author's notes
Another chapter out.