I sniffled and hid my face, ashamed of the tears. I watched Peeta's black leather boots as he maneuvered me through the bodies, or by my point of view, all of the feet. No amount of comfort could fix that hollow feeling at the pit of my stomach, like a rooted version of when you dream about falling, when only half asleep. Nothing is more embarrassing to me than strangers seeing your weaknesses, your secrets. That's something Peeta can't fix. The way my brain is wired to not care what anyone feels, I only worry of their future actions. I distrust everyone but Peeta, and if my mother weren't basically dead to me, she'd be on that list too.
Peeta leads with an arm around me, pulling me into the curve of his side. I haven't lifted my head since I ran to him in the shop, and I doubt I ever will. What was I thinking? I've locked myself away for so long, when people see me they stop and stare, and I don't think it's because I'm "The Girl On Fire" anymore. It's because of what I've been through, what it's done to me. Then I go and run to someone for support, when in every relationship I've ever had, whether it is my mother or Gale, I am the last man standing.
I hear a goat bleating and immediately the dam that was starting to slowly fix itself, as I remembered Prim's goat. I can see Prim so clear in my mind, like I'm looking right at her. I start to sob, making a choking sound more than anything. Peeta pulls me a little tighter, and I feel the depression start to dissipate, all because he's near, because he's holding me.
I love you, I think, trying to make myself say it, but it's useless. I don't even remember the last time I said those words, let alone meant it. I love you, I love you, I love you. Dammit! I do love him, so much. But I'm so wounded, I don't know if I could even bear hearing myself say it.
Peeta ever so softly hushes me. "It's okay Katniss. You're okay." I know I am on the outside, it's the inside that he couldn't be more wrong about. How could I be okay when everyone I knew I lost? All I have left is him, and I'm starting to think that's the only reason I'm here right now.
No. I love him. I have to. I don't have to but I do… I think.
A dog barks and I see a big blur of black and white dash around me feet, making me stumble. Peeta quiets the dog, telling it to "go lie down". The dog obeys instantly, and he guides me toward a chair where he sets me down on a chair, crouching down in front of me. He just sits there a moment, studying me. I let him, feeling it's best to just crawl back into my shell, and see what happens.
He reaches out a hand, tilting my head up gingerly, though I don't dare meet his eyes. "Katniss…" he whispers, so quiet it takes me a moment to realize it was my name. He scoots forward, closer to me, and wipes away one of the many tears with his thumb. His touch leaves a trail of fire I haven't felt in so long, I trap his hand there with mine. My shoulders still shake with quick intakes of air, and Peeta sighs, almost with relief, as I let him touch me.
"Tell me. Tell me please. What's wrong?" He says quickly, but still speaking in a low, soft voice.
I stop and think. What do I tell him? I'm falling apart? I'm dying inside? I don't think so. I decide to just let the truth unfold, while still being rational.
"I missed you. I have nothing, and it's sad that it took that to realize I need you." I said, finally looking him in the eyes. He watches me, his face crumbling into a look of relief, and… love I guess. "I'm tired of being alone all the time. I need someone, and that someone is you." I tear rolls off of my nose, falling to my hand in my lap, and that's not the only thing wet that a feel. A nose nudges my wrist, forcing me to look at those big, brown eyes. I feel a smile push its way through the overwhelming sadness. Then a small laugh seeps through as well.
Peeta scratches the dog's head. "Blakely." He tells me. I slip off the chair, plopping on the ground intentionally, and get attacked with a wave of slobbery licks. I rock back with the kisses intensity, and squeeze my eyes shut instinctively. Peeta chuckles at me, as Blakely shoves his way onto my lap, even though he's much too big. Staying low to the ground, he pushed his back to my stomach, whacking me with his very bony tail. My vision was still blurred as I smiled and kissed him back, right on the forehead, only to get him more excited.
"He's good at his job, apparently." Peeta says, scratching Blakely on the rump.
"What's his job?" I ask curiously. I didn't think he was the kind of person to have a working dog, especially since Peeta owns a bakery.
"Making you feel better." With a big smile, Peeta twists around, grabbing something and turning back to me. It was a plush chew toy, and obviously it was Blakely's favorite. "Throw it. It'll give you a minute to dry off your face."
I take the dog toy, waving in front of him, and he barks and bows playfully, his whole but wagging. I throw it down a hallway, and he claws after it, unable to get a foothold on the wood floors.
Peeta stands, stretching his arms out to me saying, "Come on." I take his hands, and he hauls me up to my feet with ease, keeping my hand trapped in his as Blakely comes dashing back in. I look out the window to see an orange and pink sky, the sun beginning to shy away behind the horizon.
Peeta pulls me into the living room, setting me down on a couch and sitting next to me. "What changed?" He asked, wasting no time.
I hesitate trying to pinpoint what the change really was, but it comes to me quickly. "Annie. And Cordon." He nods slowly, understanding.
"Haven't seen them in a while, I she had a scare with Cordon." He says, and I almost jump out of my seat.
"What? What happened? What scare?"
"He might not be… normal. He might have something wrong with his brain. I think he's fine though, don't worry." He tells me. I don't know what I'd do if that happened to Annie, I just don't. She's been through so much. She can't lose Finnick and have Cordon have brain damage, she can't. I realize I'm staring at Peeta like he just told me he's pregnant, and lean back, dragging my hands down my face. He sees my worry, and pulls me close. I stiffen at first, and then almost melt into him, wanting nothing more than to be with him, to be a part of him. I lay my head on his shoulder, sighing and wrapping my arms around his firm body.
"I missed this." He says, breaking the growing silence. "Are you staying with me?" He asks, then after a moment, when I don't reply he adds, "Will you?" I felt my heartbeat increase tenfold, and think yes, yes, yes! But I force myself to calm down. It dawns on me that by being in my odd, depressed state, Peeta was here thinking of me, missing me, and I feel like a selfish bastard.
"Yes." I whisper, just loud enough so he hears over the small sound Blakely makes as he shakes his toy vigorously. I feel all of the muscles in his body relax, and I do a bit too. I feel like I'm safe once again in Peeta's arms. He doesn't remind me of those horrible nights in that man-made forest or jungle, where we just barely survived together. He doesn't remind me of that trackerjacker infected monster he was, when he killed a man by kicking him, and he went flying onto a mislabeled pod, encasing the man in barbed wire. He reminds me of that sweet smile that kept me going, the reason I had the willpower to go through those horrible games twice, the source of my desire to fight. I wanted to fight for Peeta, to keep him alive because I loved him. Because I still love him.
"Peeta?" I ask, grasping his attention.
"Hmm?"
"I love you. I know that was out of the blue, but you needed to know." I say, racing to finish my sentence, scared of his reply.
"I already know Katniss. Just like you know I love you too. You're everything to me." He rubs my arm, kissing my forehead lightly. I lift my head to look at him, and look in those deep blue eyes, which were like endless oceans, glinting with happiness. With him so close, I only have one desire.
I quickly twist my hand into hair, and pull his lips to mine. They're warm and sweet, just like I remember, but better. Because this time, I'm not worried of death waiting around the corners, or cameras watching our every move. One of his hand caresses my jaw, the other holding my hip, and I hope he never lets go.