Moon Dance: The Niles and Daphne Saga
By Mia Leigharc
Chapter II: Sven, Günter, Brick, oh my!
That weekend Niles was visiting Cafe Nervosa when he saw Frasier and Roz sitting at one of the tables. He seemed to have walked into the middle of a conversation.
"Okay, okay, I'll keep looking." Roz said not noticing Niles now standing by the table trying to see what exactly they were looking for.
"Looking for what?" he asked.
"I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne." Niles put down his cup and did his best to paint a neutral expression and tone that did nothing to hide his outrage.
"What?" he lightly remarked.
"Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick." Roz said excitedly.
"Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Günter, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?"
"Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys." Roz exclaimed getting annoyed.
"Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?" Niles retorted. This made Roz really furious.
"Listen, you little titmouse-!" she said turning to face him Niles's temper also flared before Frasier came between them. Niles knew he wouldn't win this battle with his brother here.
"Alright! Niles: you are completely out of line here. And Roz: he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. Whilst Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more...well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more..." Frasier struggled out.
"Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?" Roz said angrily. Frasier frowned slightly.
"No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy." Roz stood up and grabbed her things, leaving Frasier calling after her.
" Oh, I'm out of here."
"Oh, Roz, please wait."
"Oh no, I can't stay, the fleet's in!"She retorted back while storming out the door.
Saturday evening, Frasier was setting up the apartment while
Daphne was setting the table furiously.
"Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella."
"Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set-up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here." Frasier pleaded.
"Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean!" Daphne said in a huff.
"Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?" Frasier said finally motioning to her outfit. Daphne looked down at her fairly plain housedress, unable to see the problem...
"Why, what's wrong with it?" Just then the doorbell rang. Frasier didn't have much time, that will be Tom at the door! He ran to answer it, while convincing Daphne to put on something sexy, motioning to his hips.
"Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what about that, that strapless number you have?"
"Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?" Daphne said annoyed.
"Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do!" Frasier said embaressed. He motioned for Daphne to go and change, which she did reluctantly. Daphne returned to the living room wearing a short red strapless dress.
" Well, look who we have here. Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran."
"Pleasure to meet you." He says kindly shaking her hand.
"Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat!"
"Oh, sorry." Frasier says coyly to allow her to get a good look at him.
"May I?" She said as Tom turned around. As Daphne took his coat, she turned to Frasier, ecstatically, and mouthed, "HE'S GORGEOUS! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"
Frasier mouthed back, "YOU LOOK FABULOUS! YOU LOOK FABULOUS!" They stopped as Tom turned back around again. She draped the coat over her arm
and started to carry it to the rack, then stopped, feeling one of her psychic premonitions coming on...
"Oh, this is strange, I'm picking up a vibration from your coat."
"Excuse me?" Tom said through his confusion.
"Yes well, Daphne feels she possesses psychic powers - you know those English eccentrics." Frasier said, playing her up. Daphne came back and took hold of Tom's hand.
"Oh, you've just been through a very painful break-up, haven't you?"
"Yes!" Tom said immediately. He turned to Frasier.
"Oh, wait a minute, you told her that, didn't you?"
"No, no." Frasier replied.
"There was a bitter dispute about ownership of opera recordings." Daphne announced proudly. Tom, dumbfounded, dropped onto the couch.
"Whoa!" Having made her mark, Daphne made a graceful exit to check on dinner.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll nip into the kitchen. I have a bird to baste." Frasier went into the kitchen, where he checked on Daphne's feelings and first impressions about Tom.
"Well?" Frasier asked excitedly. Daphne gushed!
"Oh, he's a looker. I'm glad you made me put on my lucky bra. He's worth every wire digging into me ribcage."
"Yes, you've made quite an impression on him too. He thinks you're great!"
"Oh, go on!" She said giggling.
"God, listen to me getting carried away like a school girl when I've just met the man. No, I'm not raising me hopes tonight - though I'm glad I raised me bosom." She said with a huge smile on her face.
The doorbell sounded so Frasier left Daphne to her excitement as he went to answer it. Niles was standing there with a book.
"Hello, Frasier." He said as he took Frasier's wine glass.
"Oh, thank you. I just stopped by to return your book." he said handing over the book.
"Oh yes, thank you, well don't let me keep you." Frasier said in a hurried and increasingly annoyed fashion.
"Am I interrupting something?" Niles said coyly. Frasier gave him the "warning" look, but Niles pretended not to notice.
"As a matter of fact, I'm introducing a man to Daphne."
" Ah! Guess you don't want me around then." He said as he blatantly ignored his brother's looks of scorn, walking inside and introducing himself to the competition.
"How do you do? I'm Dr. Niles Crane." Tom shook his hand and made with the pleasantries.
"Hi, I'm Tom Duran."
Daphne peeked her head out from the kitchen, addressing Tom.
"Bird's all done. Now all I need is a pair of big strong arms to haul it out of the oven." Before Tom could even respond, Niles was already moving in that direction, much to Daphne's distress. She liked Niles, but only as a friend. Truth be told, he could be a bit pretentious at times, and sometimes she thought he was a little full of himself. Niles quickly walked into the kitchen, to Daphne's disappointment and Frasier's anger.
"Well, I certainly don't need to be asked twice."
During dinner, Tom was telling a story about the queen in the middle
of an interview.
"So, halfway through the interview her stomach starts rumbling. And her body mike is picking it up, but I have to ignore it. Because what am I going to say; 'Would her majesty care for a Tums?' " Everyone laughed - except Niles, who was being rather immature as usual.
"I could listen to your stories all night. They're so funny." Daphne said smiling, Niles was still acting jealous and immature about her flirting with the man "who appeared to be nothing more than a excuse for a pretty boy." Niles thought to himself.
"And all involving bodily functions." Niles said, still cutting him down.
"Tom, I could use a little hand in the kitchen..." Daphne said, hoping Tom would catch on so they could get some alone time. Niles immediately spoke up instead.
"No, no, sit Daphne, after all that cooking you must be..." He said taking a good look down her frock.
"absolutely strapless." he finished.
Niles went into the kitchen, leaving Daphne one again disappointed. In the kitchen, Niles put a few things into the sink. Tom entered, slightly piqued.
"Er, Niles, can I speak with you for a moment?" Tom asks gently.
"Yes." said as he slapped down a piece of silverware
"I was wondering, did I do anything that offended you?"
"No." Niles said as he angrily threw pots into the sink
"Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a
problem with me dating Frasier."
Niles turned around about to tell him to stay away from his Daphne, but he stopped mid-sentence "Well, if you must know..." A twenty-second pause ensued while he wondered if he had heard Tom correctly.
"I'm sorry, what was the question?" Niles said, rather confused. Tom crossed his arms and repeated his question.
"Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?" Now Niles understood, and became as serene as Buddha...trying to hold back a laugh and his obvious laughter.
"No." Niles replied graciously
Frasier came into the kitchen, thinking his brother mad for such childish and jealous behavior.
"Now Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he could talk with you all night in the kitchen. There are others who would like to have a crack at him!" He said without realizing how awkward things were about to become.
Frasier and Tom went back into the living room while Niles just stood there with a small smile that threatened to explode into hysterics. Rocking slightly, he twirled once
on his heel, as Martin came in the kitchen with some plates.
"That Tom's a great guy, huh? You think maybe him and Daphne..." Niles shook his head, combining laughter with a negative "Mmm-mmm." On the balcony, Tom, Frasier and Daphne were having a little chat.
"You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening."
"Oh no, we should be thanking you. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard." Daphne said pleasantly, hoping Tom would pick up on her signals. From inside the apartment they suddenly hear Martin roaring with laughter. They look and see him doubled over in the kitchen, while Niles laughs along.
"You've still got Mr. Crane going." Daphne added
"Daphne, I think a little after dinner music would be appropriate."
"Good idea." She says as she went inside to the stereo
"She's, er, quite a woman, isn't she?" Frasier said, trying to play her up some more. Tom responded flatly
"Yes, she's really something," Suddenly his tone became suggestive. "Um, Frasier, I was wondering..."
"Yes?"
"Do you think before the evening's over we could get a little one-on-one time?"
"Oh, I think I can arrange that." Frasier said confidently thinking he was quite the matchmaker. He went inside while Daphne was putting on music. They both whispered to each other.
"Daphne!"
"Yes?" she said in anticipation.
"He says he wants to be alone with you!"
"No!" Daphne said, unable to believe her luck.
"Yes!"
"This really is my lucky bra! Keep the wine flowing, I'll go fix me lipstick."
"Okay."
She runs back to her room to quickly freshen up while Martin and Niles come back in to the living room from the kitchen.
"Yeah, I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack. Don't want to stand in the way of young romance!" He said hiding a grin.
"Thanks, dad."
"Goodnight, Tom."Martin says walking to his room.
"Goodnight, Martin." Tom called to his retreating back.
"And Niles, isn't it time you were running along too?"
"Yes, I must be on my way. And, Frasier, I must apologize, I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick."Niles said very smugly.
"Good."
"Goodnight Tom, nice to meet you." Niles said as he pulled Frasier aside for a moment.
"Goodnight."
"Frasier, a word in your ear?" Niles then told him that Tom was interested in him, not his dear sweet angel. "Thank god!" Niles thought as Frasier showed his obvious disappointment and utter confusion. Later Tom started coming onto Frasier and he had to set things straight.
"Oh no, it's true, I really am. I just invited you to dinner because you seemed so charming and you were so fond of the British, I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne." Frasier said disappointed at the mistake. Unbeknownst to both men, Daphne started coming back into the living room from the hallway just in time to hear:
"I can't believe this. You really had no idea that I'm gay?" Tom said, feeling slightly offended. Daphne stopped, unclasped her not-so-lucky bra and walked quickly back to her bedroom, chucking the bra up in the air as she went. Dr. Crane would owe her big for this one!
Days later, Daphne was taking a shower as the Crane men were out for the evening. On the dining room table, Daphne's bathrobe was laid out. Daphne called out into the living room.
"Hello? Are you back yet?"Upon receiving no answer, Daphne rushed in wearing just a towel and her shower shoes. She picked up her nightgown to put it on. However, at that moment the Crane men were coming home. Daphne, stood in shock half out of her towel, holding the robe in front of her, seemingly naked behind it. Niles gaped, and even Frasier and Martin were stunned.
"Well go on, turn your heads."Daphne turned around to change. The three men turned round 180 degrees and face the wall — however, Niles continued turning until he was back where he started - staring at Daphne. Frasier put a stop to it and turned him back just before Daphne could catch him.
"Okay." They all turned back to face her.
"So, I guess you've had some excitement tonight." Upon hearing this, Niles instantly tries to cover for his obvious excitement over the prospect of seeing the vision before him in nothing more than a towel...oh all the times he had imagined it...the countless times.
"No, I haven't!"Frasier bat his arm, just enough to wake him from his little fantasy.
"Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone. Delivering a baby in a taxi."
Niles finally realized what she meant. "Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school."
"Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water."
"What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute it's just this blob in some lady's stomach, next minute it's a person." He said visualizing his analogy. "Blob - Person!"
"The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase."
"I bet you have some fond memories of when your son was born."
"Oh yes, of course. I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn. And it was as if everything in the universe simply melted away. There was just a father, a son and the distant sound of Lilith saying, 'If you ever come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle.' " Frasier said half in laughter.
"At least nowadays fathers get to see their sons being born. In my day, they stuck us all in the waiting room, smoking cigarettes and reading "Life" magazine. I still remember the exact article I was reading when Niles was born. It was about Mickey Mantle. Talk about life setting you up for a fall! Well, it's been a long night. I'm turning in." Martin said as headed off to his bedroom.
"Night, Dad."
"I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says, (imitating her mother) 'Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren.' (Normal voice) Then I say, 'That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career.' (mother's voice) 'Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?' normal voice, getting carried away 'Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it.' (mother's voice) 'But will she drop it?' (normal voice) 'Oh shut up, mother!' (mother's voice) 'Don't talk to me like that, young lady...' "Daphne carried on and on with herself as she headed off to her room.
Days later, Daphne was getting ready for a hot date. She came in from her room wearing a red, oriental style dress.
"Well?" She said to Martin and Frasier who were sitting at the table. Martin let out a wolf whistle.
"Well, Daphne, very nice."
"Thank you." she said with a smile.
"No, thank YOU." Frasier said in his usual flustered voice.
"I'd be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you both are right now. I'm going out with Derek again tonight. But I'm having trouble choosing a fragrance. I've got it pinned down to these two." She sprayed the first one into the air. "Heather" - fresh and bouncy as a spring morning, or..." She sprayed the other in the air. "Forbidden" — your passport to erotic realms of pleasure." Martin and Frasier smelled them both.
"How many times you been out with this guy?"
"This is our third date."She said. Martin and Frasier shared a knowing look and -
"Forbidden." They both said at the same time. Daphne sprayed some in the air and walked into it.
"Why is it so important this is our third date?" She asked out of curiosity. Frasier goes to the couch and sits down
"Well, Daphne, sexual mores being what they are in America, the third date is usually the place where two healthy adults decide whether or not to... take it to the next level."
"Excuse me?! What kind of a randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers?!" She exclaimed sarcastically. The doorbell rang and she headed for the door.
"The third date may mean that to you Americans," She opened the door to reveal Niles. "but it takes more than three dinners to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon." Niles stood for a few moments a little stunned. He also took this opportunity to not only imagine himself getting "Bangers and Mash" from his angel, but to also take in how especially ravishing he found her that night. Hiding and obvious sign of his arousal, he directed his attention back to the present.
"Hello, Dr. Crane." She said sweetly. Nile's reply still found him a bit flustered.
"Hello, Daphne. You look even lovelier than usual this evening."
"Thank you." He came in, then sniffed the air. He turned around and got closer to her to get a good whiff.
"Is that 'Forbidden?' " He asked still a bit flustered.
"In every sense of the word!" Frasier retorts before Niles could continue. Daphne started heading for her room "I think I'll just scrub me neck with an unscented soap. If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex." Upon hearing this, Niles couldn't help but gaze in the direction of her retreating back, wishing...hoping and desiring with every fiber of his being that he was the man she was going on a date with that night.
"Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family." Martin added as Daphne went to get ready for her date. Niles would have to fight dreaming of her again that night...