Disclaimer: As always, Inu-Yasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. I own nothin'!

ACT ONE



Scene I-- Fountainhead. The palace of Kougaseus



Enter KOUGASEUS, KAEDELYTA, JAKENSTRATE, and Attendants.

Kouga: Tell me again why we have to wait four more days to get married? I'm a demon! I have to get my offspring!

Kaede: It's a human thing.

Kouga: Crud. Well, it'd better be one heck of a wedding, that's all I can say. Jaken, run and get some decorations.

Jaken: Yes, m'lord.

Kaede: You're not really letting that toad make decorating decisions, are you?

Kouga: Good point. Jaken, if I see so much as one disco ball or lava lamp...

Jaken: I never get to have any fun...

Exits. Enter SESSHOUGEUS, INU-YASHIUS, KAGOMEDER, and KIKYOLENA.

Sesshou: Hey, renowned Duke, settle an argument for us, huh?

Kouga: This isn't about which one of us gets to kill that dog-turd again, is it? Because honestly, I...

Sesshou: No, no. It's like this-- my stupid brother wants to marry that wench Kagome, but I think Kikyo - stand forth, Kikyo - I think Kikyo here is a much better choice. After all, She IS a full miko and all...

Kouga: Isn't she, like, dead? I thought she drowned?

Sesshou: I thought we covered this in the Hamlet parody? Maybe not. Well, she's kinda alive again.

Kouga: Okey-dokey.

Sesshou: I beg the ancient privilege of Athens...

Kouga: You want to invent geometry and start pointless wars with neighboring city-states?

Sesshou: The other privilege. You know, the one that says it's my way or the highway, and if Inu-Yasha wants Kagome instead of Kikyo, I get to kill him.

Kouga: Hmm... why does he have to pick one?

Sesshou: It's a human thing.

Kouga: Well... this is a toughie. What say you, dog-turd? Remember, your brother is a youkai. Purity of blood, power and all that. He's always right, even if he is an insufferable snot. (low voice) Besides, this Kikyo chick is pretty hot...

Inu-Yasha: So is Kagome. In fact, we are married in real life. Or we are at least close to it.

Kouga: Yeah, but c'mon... Kikyo? Let's be real here, for a second...Wait a moment, what am I saying? KAGOME is my woman!

Patrick (From Off): Yeah, but that's the plot!

Inu-Yasha: Well, personally I think she overdoes it a little with her "come with me to Hell" routine. So go on... what's the worst you can do to me?

Kouga: According to local regulations, I can either have you summarily executed or make you live as a monk.

Kagome: The world can't stand another Miroku.


Kouga: Well, the conservatives kept saying I was soft on crime... Look, Inu-Yasha, I really hate to do this (looks at Sesshou), especially as your best friend and all... (to Inu-Yasha) Why don't you sleep on it?

Kikyo: Um, guys... you know, killing Inu-Yasha might be a little much. Can't we let him off with a stern warning, or something?

Kagome: Well then, since you have the father's love, why don't you leave Inu-Yasha and me alone and go marry him?

Sesshou: For the record, I'd have no problem with that.

Kikyo: Nice try, slick.

Kagome: Either that, or you could marry that evil bastard, who tries to kill Inu-Yasha.

Kikyo: Naraku? Eww, gross!

Kagome: Good thing we're done with the Hamlet thing. I'm not his mother anymore.

Kikyo: Yeah, but that was more of a "general purposes" gross...

Kouga: Look, people: I can't get married for four more days, I have a youkai tribe to worry about, and I just turned over the decorating to a toad. Frankly, I don't care what you do, but law is law. Inu-Yasha, look to arm yourself to fit your fancies to your father's will. But even if you don't, for heaven's sake, all of you stop whining! Or just come to me! Capice?

Kagome sticks her tongue out at Sesshoumaru, and he makes a face back at her.

Exit all but Inu-Yasha and Kagome.

Inu-Yasha: This is such a total bummer. And to think that creep, Kouga, practically introduced us...

Kagome: Well, the course of true love never did run smooth.

Inu-Yasha: Oh, that's original.

Kagome: So, anyway, here's what I'm thinking: Why don't you come visit me for a couple of weeks? In my time Sesshoumaru will never find us.

Inu-Yasha: And have your grandfather try to kill me with his lousy ofudas?

Kagome: Well, it beats you becoming a monk, I guess. I mean, millions of your fans would be crushed... Tomorrow truly will I meet with thee.

Kikyo (From Off): Aw, isn't that sweet?

Enter KIKYOLENA.

Kikyo: Meanwhile, I spend hours... hours... being with him, trying to get him to become human, and what do I get for my trouble? 'Oh, uh... gee, thanks, but Kagome's so much nicer.' Thanks a lot, Patrick. (glares off-stage)

Inu-Yasha: Well, it hasn't exactly been fun and games for me! I'm this close to being a monk!

Kikyo: Nah, the ratings guys'd never go for that.

Kagome: Isn't there something you can do? I mean, you ARE the all powerful miko, aren't you? Why don't you go and do something?

Enter NARAKIUS.

Naraku: Hey, Kikyo's got a mind of her own. Believe me, kids, I'd love to help, but she hates me! (to Inu-Yasha) Is it just the spider form? Or the baboon pelt? C'mon, you gotta teach me how you do it!

Inu-Yasha: But I don't know what I've done! The more I hate, the more she follows me around!

Kagome: Maybe it's all that time watching you shower.

Inu-Yasha: You promised you'd never throw that in my face.

Kagome: At any rate, Kikyo, you won't have to worry about us much longer. Tomorrow night, we're hitting the woods. We're going to blow this hellish time - preferably for someplace where it's permissible to wear loose, casual clothing once in a while. And where we won't have to put up with youkai.

Inu-Yasha: Good luck with Kikyo, though.

Exit Kagome and Inu-Yasha.

Naraku: Man, love stinks! What's he got that I haven't got? Through Fountainhead I'm thought as fair as he... in dim lighting, I mean. Sitting down, so you can't see the muscles. And if you kinda squint... oh, who am I kidding? As far as Kikyo's concerned, he's a God and I'm just a shrimp.

'Course, I could tell her about this little Shikon no Tama thing. That might win some points. No, can't do it, it'd be wrong. Sort of wrong, I mean... maybe a little... but, then, Inu-Yasha probably shouldn't be so trusting. Sure, y'know, trusting me is one thing, but what if he starts trusting other hanyou, then where will the world be? It'd be for his own good, really... I think I owe it to him, as a friend. And if Kikyo happens to be a little grateful, well... heh.

Look out, world, Naraku is back! Just call me "The Baboon", baby...

Exits.



Scene II-- Fountainhead. Shippo's house



Enter SHIPPO, KIRARA, KANNA, SOUTA, MYOGA, and HOJO BOTTOM.


Shippo: Let's see... Two demons, two humans, and a flea? Are we all here?

Hojo: How did I get lumped in with the minor characters? That's all I'd like to know.

Shippo: Cool it, Jack. We've got a lot of work to do. Now... Here is a scroll of every man, woman, or demon which is thought fit, throughout all Fountainhead, to be in our scuzzy little play.

Hojo: First tell us what the play is about, and then...

Shippo: Do you mind? Now, we're putting on Our Town this year, so...

Kirara whispers in Shippo's ear.

Shippo: Pyramus and Thisby? Who the hell ever heard of Pyramus and Thisby?

Kirara produces a copy of the script, and shows it to Shippo. Shippo mumbles as she reads, and then...

Shippo: Yeah, well, I don't care. I want to do something classy. What about something by that human, you know, Shakespeare?

Kirara whispers to Shippo again.

Shippo: Oh. How about Cats, then?

Kirara shakes her head.

Shippo: Gilbert and Sullivan?

Kirara shakes her head.

Shippo: Oh, all right, Pyramus and Thisby.

Souta: Maybe we should call them Yashimus and Kagoby, so people will know they're still in an Inu-Yasha fanfic.

Hojo: That's good. I like that.

Shippo: (sighs) Actors... Okay, everybody, I'm going to call attendance. Hojo Bottom?

Hojo: Yo.

Shippo: Whatever. You're playing this dweeb, Pyramus.

Hojo: Ah, that will ask some tears in the performing of it. If I do it, let the audience look to their eyes. I will move storms, I will...I will conquer my Kagome!

Patrick, Kouga and Inu-Yasha (From Off): Don't you start, too!

Shippo: Just memorize those lines by Thursday.

Hojo: I can do that.

Shippo: Myoga Flute, the bellows-mender?

Myoga: Here. I've been meaning to ask... what precisely is a 'bellows-mender?'

Shippo: Someone who mends bellows. You get to play Thisby.

Myoga: Oh, heck, no. I'm a demon flea, not an actor. I'll rig the special effects.

Shippo: Okay. Um... Souta Snout, the tinker? You can play Thisby.

Souta: Can do. What am I, a rugged demon lord?

Kirara: Actually, you're Hojo's character's love interest.

Hojo: Excuse me?

Souta: Wha-What?

Hojo: Oh my god. I just hope Kagome's not gonna be there to watch this...

Shippo: Let's see... Kanna Starveling? You and I will play Thisby's parents.

Kanna: Do I get to kill anybody?

Shippo: No.

Kanna: Then who cares?

Exit Kanna, who goes off behind the building to steal a couple of souls.

Hojo: You know, Shippo, great as this casting is, I'd rather play Thisby myself. (to Souta) No offense.

Souta: None taken.

Hojo: Why not let me do it? I'll speak in a monstrous little voice. I'll even wear a mask for Thisby's part! Anything's better than this... (to Souta) No offense.

Souta: That time there was a little taken.

Shippo: You know, I liked you better when you were a little annoying side character. At least then you weren't such a pain in the thorax.

Hojo: I know, but they're making me lay off the romance in this play. I'm facing a lawsuit from Frank Oz.

Shippo: And, um... oh, my sister Kirara. You're playing a lion.

Myoga: (laughs) An ant-lion, maybe. (glances as Kirara transforms into her fighting form) (gulps audibly)

Kirara: I don't have a lot of lines, do I? I get stage fright.

Shippo: All you have to do is roar.

Kirara spends several moments trying to roar.

Hojo: Huh? You call that a roar?

Kirara: Hey, you think you can do better?

Hojo: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad lion myself. I will roar, that I will do any man's heart good to hear me...

Kirara: (transforms into her large form and a roar thunders across the stage, shaking the ground) Hah!

Shippo: Look, pal, you are on my very last nerve, all right? Who do you think is directing this picture?

Hojo: I could do that, too. I've always wanted to direct.

Shippo: (Aside) I think we all saw that one coming. (to Hojo) Just put a cork in it and play Pyramus, will ya?

Hojo: But I have experience playing big, scary creatures! (Everyone stares at him)

Shippo: Uh...did you have a secret life or something?

 Hojo: Not exactly...but then, I could do so well! Let Kagome-chan's brother play Pyramus, so that he's out of the way... (to Souta) No offense.

Souta: You're pushing it, dude.

Shippo: That's it; lunch, people. We'll meet in the woods tomorrow night to rehearse it. In the meantime, if any of you want to sign with a rival production company or something, don't let me stop you.

Hojo: We will meet, and there we may rehearse most obscenely and courageously!

Kirara: You know, I thought it was the whole Yoda-envy thing talking, but it turns out he just likes to hear his own voice...

They Exit.

*****