He walked into the bedroom quietly, slipping under the cover, careful not to wake Elisabeth. After her decision to have a child, they started to sleep together as a matter of routine, which had not always been the case. Philip wondered again in the dark what it took for her to let her walls down – despite the fact of sleeping together, she was as clammed up as ever. The sex was matter-of-fact and more than a bit awkward. And they never talked afterwards about it; they both felt more comfortable jumping back to work or discussing practical aspects of their lives.
Philip was fairly sure she was pregnant, as the sex had stopped in the last few weeks and there were other signs too – like her distaste for coffee, poking at her food with disgust and locking herself in the shower for long patches of time with the water running. He kept his suspicion to himself for now. He learnt over time that confrontation with Elisabeth usually meant she just dug her heels in more. It was usually a better move to wait until she was ready. He could not help wondering though if she changed her mind about the baby.
Ever since they started, he was apprehensive about it. Sure, the Center wanted them to have children to complete their cover, and Elisabeth reassured him that he would be a good father, but still, he could not quite picture their life with a child. Emmett and Leanne had done it, so it was possible. But what would the life of that child be he could not help wondering.
He heard a shift in Elisabeth's breathing and knew that she was awake. She was a light sleeper, they both were. It was a professional curse.
"Did you send the message?" she asked.
"Yes. They want you to go back to your contact and see whatever else you can squeeze out of him."
"Fine" she said in a flat tone. Philip stomach turned at the thought of her going back in to have sex with a stranger while pregnant with his child.
"Have you told them about the baby yet? You will have to stop doing this sooner or later" his grumble was met with stunned silence. At least she was not trying to deny it.
"I can do my job, Philip" it was an evasion, so typical of her.
"I don't want you to do it. You should be more careful, Elisabeth."
"It's not up to you. I can take care of myself." she retorted angrily.
Never showing any weakness was essential to her. He was not surprised, of course. The training, the job, the life was not for the faint hearted, and for women often it was twice as hard. The ones who made it had to be tough and he accepted that. But Elisabeth's weakness was her need to show strength at all times, her drive to push herself over and above everything. As if she still had to prove something to someone. As if becoming the elite of the elite, as if making the sacrifice of living this kind of life built on danger, fear, pain, humiliation, isolation and lies were somehow not enough.
"And who will take care of our child?" he asked quietly. "Don't you understand, this changes everything, this makes us a family for better or worse?"
"It's an arrangement, Philip. It's not real".
"The child will be real. And for him or her, this will be it."
"I don't know if I can do this." her whisper was barely audible.
"It will be fine. We'll be fine." Philip said with as much reassurance in his voice as he could muster despite his own misgivings. And for the first time in a long time, he felt like he will find a way, because nothing else was acceptable. The child needed him, his family needed him and you don't let your family down. Ever.