I haven't been eating proper food for the last eight months. Since the day I slashed my cheek in two with a knife. They gave me some vitamin shit intravenously for two weeks. Since then they have fed me with some slush through a pipe in my throat. Good. I wasn't going to eat myself anyway. They were puzzled by the fact that my cheek wouldn't recover. That's because I scratched it out every night until I saw blood under my fingernails. Seeing blood makes it all seem real. Makes me real.

However, they made an exception for my eating habits when Peeta came. He was here constantly. He begged them to let me eat with him in a shitty hospital canteen. He thought the reason I was that bad is that I hadn't had any company. Except for him, of course. That's kind of truth, I had been lying in my bed most of the time, staring at light grey walls and white ceiling with long bright lamps. The first time in the canteen I didn't eat. Nor I talked. Peeta, however, did both. He was a decent person after all. Unlike me.

He told me stories from the outside world. I wasn't interested, but, at least, I listened. He told me about the New Government mostly. It was the only theme that didn't affect me in any way. What I understood is that although Paylor, ex-commander from District 8, was the president, she didn't have an absolute power, because they convoked the Parliament. All her decisions were supervised by the Parliament and, finally, it seemed to be a democratic system. Peeta was relieved. I knew that. He has never said anything about the incident.

I guess he was simply scared to bring up my bad memories. But I really couldn't care less. It wasn't a bad memory at all. The girl's death was a bad memory. The incident was a shitty but the most positive memory I possess.

I remember the day of the incident very clearly although I don't remember most of my life since the day the holy girl burned. I remember killing President Coin and I remember waiting for a trial. It has taken almost a year to acquit me finally. It didn't seem like a year, though. For that year I've been living in the apartment I got when I first came to the Capitol as a tribute. The only people I saw were Peeta, Haymitch, Dr. Aurelius and, sometimes, Mom. Gale came only once. He said he was sorry for everything. I know what he implied. He was sorry for the bombs that killed my little sister. I kept screaming even five hours after he'd left. I just couldn't stop. He never came back.

Mom came twice a month, always wearing that forced sympathetic expression. I knew she was scared of me. Not for me, but of me. She tried talking to me but I wouldn't answer. She failed Prim as much as I did. She knew it. The difference between us was that she could continue living with it and I couldn't.

Peeta was there every day. He cared for me, that's for sure. In particularly bad days when I wouldn't even open my eyes for him I heard him crying. I guess, I should have felt sorry for him but the truth was I didn't. I didn't feel sorry at all. I felt angry. I felt empty. I never understood how it is possible to feel nothing at all and at the same time feel so much hatred. They say anger is a secondary emotion and it always comes from love. Bullshit! I feel angry all the time, from the very first second I open my eyes in the morning. But I don't love anything on Earth. That's the only thing I'm certain about. I loved Prim and I failed her. I will never be able to love anyone anymore. I guess I've exhausted my love supply for a lifetime.

When Peeta was with me, he asked me not to commit suicide. I wasn't able to, anyway. They watched my every step. Dr. Aurelius came every day. He talked to me for hours. Sometimes I would answer, sometimes I would scream. When I screamed, they gave me morphling, but I knew that Dr. Aurelius didn't like it. He genuinely thought that I am still able to recover. He believed in me. He was a good person after all. I failed him as well.

When the trial was just over, Dr. Aurelius decided that I'm ready to "do my job". That was how he put it. I didn't understand back then, what did he mean.

I met the New Panem Government the next day. Peeta and Haymitch were with me. There were few in the Government I knew: Paylor the President, Plutarch as a secretary of communications, and the temporarily Parliament for they wanted to hold an election for it. There were many people from the Capitol, far more than I've expected. Haymitch said that they were fighting on our side in the War, but I didn't believe him for a moment. He thought that I wouldn't understand the importance of the Capitol representation in the New Government. He was right. I didn't.

They all seemed to be very fascinated by me. They couldn't put in mind that such a little creature managed to become a symbol of the Rebellion. I don't judge them on this one. I don't understand it neither.

That's when they told me. Paylor said a long speech about the War and New Panem, then she continued with the responsibilities that lied with us, and suddenly came to the suggestion that Peeta and I should make a tour through Panem in order to encourage people to build a new life, and, most importantly, to support the New Government. Although it was worded as a suggestion, it clearly wasn't one. It was an order. I guess it was the day when I understood that something went wrong. That killing Snow and cancelling the Hunger Games don't automatically mean that people will be happy to accept any further changes. That the Government wants to use me again. That they want to make me a puppet in one more game and this game is far beyond my control.

Paylor said that we needed to calm the country. We needed to show where our loyalties lie. With the New Government.

Peeta agreed immediately.

I advised them to go and fuck themselves.

They didn't appreciate it, though. Paylor said coldly that she would give me a night to think, and guards leaded us out.

- Are you fucking thinking what you are saying, mockingjay, or is it too fucking complicated for a poor mental girl? – Haymitch started screaming the moment we were out.

When I was already jumping on him wanting to tear his face apart, Peeta caught me and started calming us both down. He talked to me for hours. He put it simply. He said that there were no options. I objected that there was always a choice and suggested we both jump from some roof. It was just to irritate him. They wouldn't let us do it anyway, I knew it back then. I had tried to escape my security before and commit any form of suicide but they had seemed to think it through properly. Peeta just shrugged.

- You should bless your God for Dr. Aurelius, sweetheart. He apologized for you being so… how did you put it exactly? "unstable"?. – already drunk Haymitch returned to the room with Dr. Aurelius.

- I'm sorry, Katniss. – Doctor looked quite unhappy. Not that I gave a damn. – I couldn't delay it any longer. The Anniversary of the Rebellion is just in two months.

I nodded slightly. After all, he tried to comfort me. But I knew damn well what did that mean. I had to do another Victory Tour. I needed to convince people of what I didn't believe myself one more time.

That was two months before the incident.