I update We'll Meet Again as promised and should be updating Nightmares later tonight or tomorrow. :) Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed.

This chapter is a flashback.

*Disclaimer* I don't own Castle.

Apparently this chapter was giving chapter not found or something so let me know again if there is any more issues. Thanks!

Chapter 2

Rick didn't cry when they told him he couldn't ride in the ambulance with her. The entire ride to the hospital he stared out the window silently hoping and praying she would be okay. He swore to himself there would be no more time wasted, no more tiptoeing around their feelings, it was out there now, he loved her. She had to be okay.

He didn't cry when they got to the hospital as he watched Lanie giving her chest compressions begging her to stay with them. He took a seat away from everyone and stared at the blood on his hands and clothes, Kate's blood. I should have never convinced her to look into her mother's case again.

He didn't fight back when Josh attacked him in the waiting room, screaming, "You did this! This is your fault! You pushed her to look into her mother's murder! She was shot because of you and Montgomery is dead because of you!" He didn't say anything when Ryan and Esposito pulled Josh off of him, instead he just sauntered back to his chair in the corner. He doesn't think I already know this is my fault? They should let him get it out of his system, I deserve worse than he could give me. It should be me in there, not her.

He didn't cry when he told Martha that Josh was right, it was his fault, or when she put her arm around him to console him, telling him that he wasn't to blame because he wasn't the one that shot her. All he could manage to say was, "No, but I put her in the crosshairs. I told her how I felt. I told her I loved her," before he left her side to sit alone again.

He didn't cry in the waiting room when the doctors wouldn't tell him anything. What do they mean they can only talk to family? I'm her partner.

He didn't cry when he saw Jim Beckett fall to his knees crying, pleading, and screaming that his daughter couldn't be gone or when Lanie grabbed Esposito and Ryan for comfort as they all cried together. She can't be dead, she just can't be. This has to be a terrible nightmare.

Rick didn't cry as he changed clothes and tried his best to scrub her blood off his hands. He sat on the cold bathroom floor for hours that night cradling his blood stained shirt, praying for her to come back to him, praying to wake from this horrible nightmare.

He didn't cry as they lowered her casket into the ground or when Jim Beckett stood to give the eulogy. He watched unblinking as they filled the hole with dirt and person after person left the gravesite. I can't believe you're really gone Kate. I swear I'll find whoever did this and make them pay, I swear Kate. I love you so much.

He could hear the whispers at the Beckett house after her funeral, as he sat alone on the staircase. He heard everyone talking about how he hadn't said a word or come out of the loft since it happened. She doesn't get to say anything anymore, why should I?

Shock. Everyone said he was just in shock, that he needed to talk to someone. He hadn't been out of bed since her funeral. They're right, he thought as he looked at her picture that sat on his bedside table, I do need to talk to someone. I need to talk to you Kate.

He decided to drive to the one place he could feel closest to her, the precinct. It was a Saturday, no one would be there, he could be alone with her and his thoughts. He didn't cry when he walked into the precinct and got on the elevator or when it reached the floor he knew he would no longer be going to every morning. He stepped off the elevator and took a deep breath before making his way to her desk, clutching her picture tighter in his hand.

He froze momentarily when he saw it, his breath catching in his chest. He fell back in the chair he used to sit in to watch her work and brought his hands to his face. Everything he had held back for days finally broke free as he began sobbing uncontrollably. Richard Castle fell apart when he saw the cup of coffee, the silent declaration of his love towards her, her reason for smiling every morning, still sitting on her desk.

So? Reviews? Would you all like another chapter? Merry Christmas! :)