chapter two :)

bleach and pills

Jacob drove me and Tony to my house to start planning how to get myself a man… Oh, I guess we could get Jacob a man to while we're at it or something.

I live in a fairly nice apartment that is just kind of average and simple. My roommate is the sinfully delicious Edward Cullen. We've basically been best friends since I can remember. I've been in love with him since the age of 9.

Yeah, I sound pathetic, I know. But I can't help it! Have you seen the man? He's freaking absolutely beautiful and perfect. But, I will always be his best friend. I will always be the girl doing his laundry while he's out screwing. Why can't I be one of those sluts? No, I don't want to be one of those sluts; I want to be that girl. I want to be the one to spend the rest of my life with Edward Cullen.

So now I am recruiting help to finally get what I want. I'll probably need Alice 's help too, but right now let's just see what Jacob has up his sleeve.

I made my way to my apartment and fumbled with the keys and finally found the right one. I stuck it in the lock to let myself in. As soon as I unlocked the door, Jacob came rushing in followed slowly by Tony. Jacob had made his way to the kitchen to find something to eat and Tony had gone to check out my medical cabinet.

wait, what was Tony doing again?

I rushed over to find out what the hell this old man thought he was doing. Going through my shit like that, and why was he going through my drugs?

"I thought young people were all into drugs these days, where are the drugs?"

Ehh, what? Okay maybe I do want to go to jail for kidnapping this man if it meant getting his ass out of my house.

"Umm, Tony neither my roommate nor I do drugs. So could you please get the hell out of my bathroom?"

Damn, what is wrong with him? I want him out of my house.

"Oh Bellaaaaaa! I didn't know you owned such sexy panties. Wow, how could Edward not resist you in these little pieces of fabric that are called underwear?"

What is Jacob talking about? I don't own anything that would even remotely be called sexy. What was he doing digging through my shit, anyways? Maybe getting their help was more trouble it was worth.

Maybe I'll just be a crazy cat lady when I grow up and never have Edward.

No, stay positive Swan.

I made my way to the live room where Jacob was sitting on the couch spinning a pair of panties on one of his fingers. He was giving me that "you've been naughty" look.

Eww, those weren't my panties. And I don't think Edward was into the kind of shit so it must be… Tanya's.

Ewwwww! I eat and sit on that couch. I have to go get disinfectant spray or bleach the couch or something. I'd going to have to comb the couch for crabs and sterilize the remote, because god knows what kind of STDs Tanya had. The STDs tanya has could have easily been transfered on to the couch.

Did i need to go to the free clinic to get an STD test?

I got up and rushed to get some beach and gloves out of the kitchen, looking through the drawers till I found what I needed. I put the gloves on and got ready to get rid of slutty germs. Jacob was still twirling the underwear on his finger giving me a crazy look.

"JACOB THEY'RE NOT MY UNDERWEARRRR!"

He looked taken back and continued to stare at me like I'm a retarded.

"Edward's?"

"NO, they're his slut girlfriend's underwear!!"

He tossed the underwear to the floor and managed to squeal like a girl. He jumped off the couch and onto the coffee table.

"You don't think they? On the couch?"

I nodded to confirm what we both thought and cringed at the thought of.

"Are you serious? I liked that couch."

"You're telling me, I bought this couch." Ugg, stupid Tanya with her germs and boy stealing abilities.

I was beyond pissed. Where else had they had sex? On the table? On the kitchen floor? Stupid slut, she is such a home wrecker.

You know what? Fuck it.

I dumped the whole container of beach on the couch and didn't bother washing it off. I had always wanted a white couch. Why not just bleach the one I already have?

Jacob had managed to get off the coffee table without breaking it and went running like a little girl to the bathroom to wash his hands.

The smell of bleach filled my nose. I took off the gloves and decided to let the couch soak because I didn't know how many time Tanya had been naked on that couch.

I went to sit on the floor and turn on the TV to see what was on. I finally I found something good on when I heard Jake scream my name.

I struggle to get up and see what the hell the emergency was. I stumbled into the bathroom to see that Jacob was hold a package of birth control with three weeks missing. He was waving it in my face.

"Umm that's not mine."

"I know it's not yours."

"How?"

"Because you would have noticed that a week is missing; I would hope you're not that oblivious when a week is missing from you pills or you're going be popping out some accidents when you finally get laid."

"Why is there a week missing?"

I took this opportunity to glance around Jacob and see that Tony was puking his guts out in the toilet.
"Because your friend Charlie," he was using his high girly patronizing voice, "has swallowed a week's worth of baby preventers."

"You mean Tony?"

"Who else would I be talking about?"

"Well, you called him Charlie so I was confused."

"BELLLAAA this is beside the point. He swallowed a week worth of the slut's birth control. What if she pops one out with green eyes and bronzy hair???"

"Fuuuucckk."

"You finally see the point."

Fuck my life. What was an old man doing popping birth control pills in my bathroom? You really need to be careful who you kidnap nowadays. If you're not careful you'll get a nut case.

"Tony why? Why??? Why would you take weeks worth of birth controls? Are you not telling us something?"

He managed to get his head out of the toilet and respond to what I said. "Birth control eh? Is that the kids are calling nowadays?"

What is wrong with man? Was he that big of a junkie to sneak into people's house and steal their drugs? But if he was a big druggie wouldn't he know what birth control pills look like? I am so confused, all I know is if he doesn't die from the pills I will strangle him.

Tony kept puking, which began to worry me. Can you OD on birth control pills? The most it will do is give you head ache right? I mean when I was a teen and stole my mom's birth control pills I took a million of them so I wouldn't get pregnant and I ended up with a killer headache.

But this was different, this was a guy. Oh my god, would he grow boobs??? Wowm the power of birth control.

"Bella are you home? The TV's on."

Oh crap my sexy roommate is home and it looks like we are stealing Tanya's birth control pills or trying to replace them or something. There was also a guy puking in our bathroom.

I shut the door and shout, "Ya I'm taking a shower."

I heard his footsteps as he continued to walk into our apartment.

"Why is there bleach all over the couch?"

Oh crap.

"There's what on the couch?" I bluffed.

"Bleach!"

Crap Swan, you can do it. Lie.

"Are you kidding me? There's bleach on the couch? How did it get there?"

Hope he couldn't tell I was lying.

"That's what I'm asking you."

"Uhh, I'm showering bye!"

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I turned around to face Jacob and Tony and signaled for them to climb out of the window.

Looks like we have to go to the hospital to replace the pills and make sure Tony wasn't going to turn into a girl.

A/N: please review, they make me happy :)