1A/N: Thanks so much for the great reviews! We are having lots of fun writing this. This chapter will focus on Sara. It is GSR right now, but will eventually turn to Snickers, so be patient Nick lovers! Thanks for reading, and please review.
-Bauerfreak and LostLadyKnight
I feel very fragile, which is not something I like to admit to on a regular basis, as I lay here in this uncomfortable hospital bed, an IV in my arms, and numerous expensive medical machines surrounding me, recording my every heartbeat and any problem with an annoying beep. This has in turn stopped me from getting any resuscitative amount of sleep, because every time something even minute goes wrong, a nurse rushes in to check my vitals. As a result of this lack of sleep, I have developed a rather hideous pair of bags under my eyes, which seems to go well with my overly pale skin (even by my standards), and tired, dull complexion, which only further adds to my new look of resident weakling. I pride myself on my strength, my diligence, my firm refusal to give up, so this - being trapped in a twin-sized bed 24 hours a day - is sheer torture. I watch the hours tick by, nurses and doctors and coworkers stream in and out, and it's all a blur to me. After over a week of consciously being here, I'm still waiting to be snapped out of this nightmare, and then I remember what happened to me.
I don't remember all of it. I can't. Just certain images burned into my mind. First I'm standing next to my car and someone approaches me then the world goes black. Then I have a freeze frame where my chest feels like it's being crushed and all I can see around me is rain and mud. Another flash and I figure out that I'm under a car. My final memory before the hospital involves me being a least a hundred feet from the car and finally awakening to see Grissom standing over me, the sun casting a celestial glow about him making him look like both a hero and an angel. I don't remember how I got that far away from the car. People keep asking me and it's frustrating, because I just can't remember.
They've told me that I've been here for three months and though I've been drifting in and out of consciousness things have only began to stick in the past week or so. It's a wretched thing, being in the hospital and even though I couldn't escape if I wanted to I still feel a pang of guilt clawing at the back of my mind. There are people out there that don't know where I am, and are probably beginning to wonder if I've stopped caring for them all together. Though the tension causes pain in the IV I've got coming out of the back of my hand, I cross my fingers and silently will them to remember that I love them.
I've been unsuccessfully trying to nap for the past hour or so. I've found that if I'm pretending I'm sleeping, it stops people, especially Grissom, from fussing over me so much. I cannot stand to be made a big deal over. Yes, I'm injured, and yes I've been through an ordeal, but that doesn't mean I'm broken. And Grissom - all the ways I love that man - does not seem to know what to do with himself. I can tell he's grateful that I'm okay, and that he cares for me deeply. But unfortunately, his presence here over the last week has been comforting, but also somewhat suffocating. He's afraid to leave my side, thinking that if he turns his attention away for one second, that I'll slip into a massive coma or start having seizures. After months here, I am stable in the medical sense, but more confused than I've ever been.
Unfortunately he hasn't left my side in the past four hours, not even to go to the bathroom, and noticed my fingers cross when I made the movement. I slam my eyes closed forcefully begging him to think that he was just seeing things, and that I'm still asleep. It doesn't work though because I hear his gentle, sweet, voice ask me if I'm awake. I'm torn. I love the blasted man dearly but he's so infuriating. I'm not a child nor a china doll and I'd like to be treated as though I'm not going to break. I know that I'll crush him if he thinks I'm pretending he's not beside me so I give him a faint 'morning' in reply even though I'm unaware if it's morning, noon, or night.
My eyes flutter open to the familiar sight of his caring face. I should be thankful that I have a boyfriend so in love with me, that he spends every single hour of his time off of work here at the hospital with me, nursing me back to health. Only, I'm not. He's reassuring, but he's not helping. I feel like a child in elementary school, with a teacher who's always hovering over my shoulder, checking my work. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world, but to me, it's torture. I know I must tolerate him a while longer. Hopefully, when I'm released from the hospital in a few days, he will back off a little and actually let me lift a finger to do something for myself. Until now, I am left trying to stomach hovering Grissom, who has now walked to the edge of my bed.
"Did you sleep well?" He whispers, as if he's afraid he'll burst my eardrums. I nod, a total lie, of course, but I don't want to worry him any more than I have. Grissom doesn't need all the added stress of me being in the condition I'm in. I feel like a burden to him, not his girlfriend.
"Have you slept?" I know he hasn't and by the guilty look on his face my suspicions are confirmed and for once in my life I'm happy he doesn't take care of himself.
"Go home and get some sleep, walk Bruno, and for the love of Pete feed both of you" I order him out of my room, with two ambitions in mind. I do want him to care for himself and Bruno, but I also want a stolen moment by myself.
Grissom opens his mouth to protest but I raise my fingers first to my lips and then to his before saying "I'm going to be right here when you get back, go."
On Grissom's way out I hear him ask someone what they're doing, and I realize that someone's trying to come into my room. A few moments later I hear a voice I never thought I'd hear here trying to calm my lover down. I'm overwhelmed with a combination of resounding joy that he's here and anguish that he's meeting Grissom on these terms. Well, he knows Grissom. We took an entomology lecture under him together, but it has been more than a decade. I listen to them bicker for a little while.
"Just who do you think you are? You can't just waltz in to someone's room." Grissom obviously thinks he's with the press. They've been bothering me a lot in the past few months and probably will continue to do so for a long while.
"I'm not just anybody, now let me go in and see her." I hear concern in his manly voice. In a voice I know so well that I don't have to see a face to know it's him.
"I'm Sara's emergency contact and nobody gets admittance without going through me." It's kind of sexy, or it would be if he wasn't being an ass, the way he's fighting for me.
"Look Mr. Grissom, I don't care, I'm going to see her right now."
If I know Grissom he's about to whirlwind the poor man with a thousand questions and then call hospital security and have him removed, so I speak up loudly and down the hall, "Oh Alexander just get your ass in here already."
Both men instantly stop their bickering at the sound of my voice, which I find strangely boosting to my ego. I smirk a little, hoping that has done the trick. Grissom is standing in the doorway, and turns his head towards me, shocked that I am speaking to this other man who he thinks is trying to harass me. Shocked, he just stands there looking at me in confusion, and this allows Alexander to step past him and into my room. His face is a combination of so many things, and so reassuring to me - worry, relief, love, annoyance - but mostly love.
"Sara." He calls to me with such adoration in his voice I think I might melt into a pile of goo right there. Moments later, he's crossed the room and enveloped me in kind of a half-hug. I am saddened that he has to see me like this. I know my hair is probably greasy, I smell, and I'm probably a tad bit grouchy.
"Hey." I smile through all my confusion. He's holding my hand, the one with the IV in it, his thumb gently stroking my pale skin, just gazing into my eyes, like a former lover should after not hearing from his beau for probably several months.
"Thank God you're okay." He whispers, sensing correctly that Grissom is hovering near, straining to hear what he is saying. "We were so worried about you." He tells me, and I of course believe him. I've been wanting to call him or write a letter to tell him that I'm okay - well, that I've been involved in an 'incident', to put it lightly, and am recovering well at a local hospital. But alas, Grissom hasn't really stepped away long enough for me to be able to call him, sadly, and I still feel incapable of writing.
"Is Ryan here?" I ask him, my throat giving away the dryness I feel in my mouth. He smiles at the mention of the teenage boy.
"He's in the waiting room. I told him to wait until I was sure you were really here and ready for him." I feel like crying in relief that Ryan is here, just down the hall, when both have been miles and miles away in California. Grissom has overheard parts of this, and is growing more confused by the second.
"I hate to barge in, but who is this guy?" He questions me.
"Griss, this is Alexander Fisher. You might not remember him but he was in that lecture course, the one where I met you, with me." I decide to plunge right in and remind him that Alexander was someone he could remember too, if he tried.
"Well I'm sorry, I don't remember you" Grissom says, stepping forward hand offering Alexander his and to shake it. "You and Sara stayed in contact all this time?"
"Gil," I don't call him Gil except for very intimate moments, and he knows that I'm about to tell him something very sensitive I can see his face express worry and fear "Alexander and I have more than just stayed in contact... he's my husband."
Grissom resembled the Big Mouth Bass that hangs above his office door. I can tell he's trying to form some kind of word, but his mind renders him incapable. I know I should have told him about Alexander - that would've been the wise thing to do - but we aren't really what you would call an item anymore. Sure, we were still legally married, but we lived in separate states, and the sex has been sporadic over the years. Well, for some couples, that doesn't exactly make a strong difference between being married or not. For what it was worth, I still love Alexander (and I still love Grissom), but we had kind of agreed to just be friends. Only, I could never bring myself to file the divorce papers.
Grissom needs me to speak. I can tell that he's been rendered dumfounded and just can't seem to get his brain to function enough to find what to say. I'm at a loss too, but Alexander is holding my hand and I'm trying not to lose the man, well the men, that I love.
"We've been married since graduate school, but I've been here, with you, for eight years. Look, I know we have a lot to talk about, and please, don't hate me."
"I don't hate..." He started to assure me that he didn't hate me, but he just can't say the words. I guess I understand, I'd hate me too. I can tell he's wounded, maybe even destroyed by what I just told him and I need to respect that he's got to think it through. To my pleasure he does something that's good for both of us, he gives us time. "I think I'll go home now and let you two catch up a bit. I have some things to think about, and then, Sara, I think we should talk."
"Me too." I tell him, hardly above a whisper. On his way out the door I'm overcome with a feeling of loss and I inaudibly tell him one last thing "I love you."
He offers me a small smile and says he loves me too, but I wonder if it's hard for him to say. I wouldn't have been able to say it if I found out Grissom was married to some lady secretly for years. I sigh as I watch his back turn, and he leaves from our sight. My sadness, however, is quickly masked when I look back up at Alexander, and see his loving, but guilty face.
"I hope I didn't cause any trouble." He apologized, pulling the chair that Grissom had been sitting in up closer to my bed. I shake my head in dismissal.
"My fault." I tell him. Alexander has known about Grissom, so at least I don't have double awkwardness to deal with. Hopefully, that doesn't make us bad people, but it sure feels like it. "I wanted to call and write, but I couldn't find..." I'm cut off by his words.
"It's okay, baby." He assures me, stroking my hand again. "We're here now." Alexander whispers, looking deep into my eyes. I feel blessed, but cursed, to have two men in my life that love me and care about me so much. Love can be an amazing thing when it's mutual, but sadly, with two amazing men to pick from, I have never truly felt like I was in love with either of them. I've had strong feelings for both of them, but I've never pictured myself ending up with either of them.
If someone asked me, I mean truly asked me, who the love of my life was I could answer them, and it wouldn't be that hard. The man that I love more than any other in the world is not Gilbert Grissom, nor is it Alexander Fisher but another. My son, Ryan. It's true when they say that there is no love in the world like the love that a mother has for her child, and though some may be shocked to hear it, I'm no different. I love Alexander, God do I. He's been the best friend I've ever had for years, we've been together through so much and he's never left my side. But we knew when we got married that it wasn't "forever love" and that in time our marriage would crumple and fail. We merely married because we knew that we loved each other in a way that only two best friends ever could. We knew that though the love wasn't that of a passionate affair, it was unbreakable.
Grissom. I've had such a crush on Grissom since I was still just a teen that I don't know how exactly I love him, but I do. I love him, I guess, in a very similar way to the way I love Alexander, except without the certainty that he's going to love me in return for an eternity. Grissom is my dear friend and my comfort zone, and I don't want to give that up. But Ryan - I love him more with every breath I breathe and every beat my heart takes. He's the whole world to me suspended in my life like an angel. I would give up anything, everything, for my son without thinking twice. He's my heart and my life. But no matter how much I love him, there is a piece of my heart still searching for something. Searching for, as I put it a moment ago, my "forever love."
I must be rather obvious when I'm thinking about my son, because the next thing I register is Alexander chuckling at me and shaking his head in amusement.
"Thinking about Ryan?" He asks me knowingly. I don't know how I've managed to go on living without seeing Ryan for all these months. Well, it helped that I wasn't really aware of my own body for a while, I guess. I smile and nod at Alexander's question, feeling rather maternal that I'm that obvious thinking about my son. I never thought I'd be a good mother, but when I'm around Ryan, all that floats away. I love him dearly, and that's all there is to it.
"Can I see him?" I request, and can't believe I'm slightly afraid that he'll say no. I'm sure Ryan's been through a lot these past months, wondering what's going on with me. For a time, I'm sure they both wondered if I was still alive. Alexander nods at my request and kisses my cheek, a reminder of our enduring friendship. He winks at me when he rises, and then walks towards and out of the door. I look down and smooth out a wrinkle in my bed sheet, feeling more nervous now than I believe I have ever been. I wonder if Ryan is upset with me, for not calling or writing, and that in all his teenage angst he wonders now why he's lived all his life with his father, and never with me. My fears are soon dismissed, however, when I saw that tall, dark handsome son of mine standing in the doorway, his face lit up with joy like a five year old being told he gets to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
"Look at you." I say to him as he wanders in a little more closely. I haven't seen him since last Christmas and the fourteen year old must have shot up a whole foot since then. He lets his long hair flop into his face a bit as he smiles at me brightly, but he doesn't come too close. I can tell, by the way he sat in the chair beside me rather slowly that he's afraid to touch me. "Get your butt over here and give me a hug right now" I order him, with a smile back to Alexander who's standing in the door way grinning at me.
Ryan stands over me and hugs me meekly but I won't let him get away with it. I pull him tightly and hug with all the strength I can muster, while ignoring the pain I just put myself in I kiss his forehead and finally let him escape. "I've missed you so much, Rye."
He smiles at me and sits back down, but stares me in the face for a few moments before I see his usually deep brown eyes start to brighten into that shade of hazel green they become when he's upset by something. "Mom, you're really okay? Really?"
"Yeah honey, I'm fine." I try to assure him, but also his father. I reach out and tousle that dirty brown hair of his, which he's grown out to that length he knows I absolutely love on him.
"I've been through an ordeal, but I've been well taken care of." I tell him, which is true. He doesn't need to know about the nightmares I've been having, and the horrible flashbacks. Physically, I am fine, and that is all my teenage son needs to know. He nods in understanding, and looks quite relieves.
"I see you grew your hair out again. I love it." I smile and ruffle his hair even more. He smirks that smirk he only saves for me that I've missed so much - that look that says, 'Mom, you're crazy, but I love you'.
"He needs a haircut." His father smiles from the end of my bed, looking over at our son jestfully.
"I got one last week, Dad." My son smartly quips."
We talk for a while, my husband, our son and I. Ryan fills me in on all the details of his life including the fact that he got into a private high school in our area for the start of his freshman year. I tell him I'm proud, and I am. Alexander tells me about the firm and how he's the third most senior practitioner now. Before long he'll be made partner and given that illustrious pay increase that will separate our little family from the upper middle class.
About an hour into our visit Warrick came to see me, he didn't stay long, and since Ryan was in the restroom and Alexander was getting some more coffee I didn't have the opportunity to introduce
them. Warrick told me that he came by to see how I was today, and gave me a small white teddy bear. He said he was feeling pretty horrible that he wasn't by in the couple of days prior and that he'd make it up to make it up to me somehow when I was back on my feet. Warrick and I have grown to be pretty good friends over the years and from time to time spend evenings together at the movies. Perhaps he'll pay for my ticket next feature we see. I took the time to assure him that everything was alright, and didn't fail to notice the wedding band was absent from his finger.
Apparently, or so he told me, the breakdown of his marriage was fairly old news and I was the last to know. I believe him because the tan line from his ring looked fairly well faded, but still bright enough to call attention to the fact that something was missing. After a short chat, only about five minutes long, he bade me farewell and returned to whatever had him so distracted and absent seeming.
For the next hour or so, I just enjoy the company of Alexander and Ryan there with me. There's so much for us to catch up on after being apart and without communication for so long. Soon, Grissom wanders back in, visibly distraught over the fact that guy was still here, and there was now a teenage boy with him now. He tried his best to hide his displeasure, but it was obvious to everyone in the room Grissom wanted them to leave. After a few last words, Alexander stands up and walks over to me.
"Well, Ryan and I are gonna go get a bite to eat." He informs me, and I notice his distinct lack of physical touch. Grissom is staring a hole into the back of his head, and I'm sure he feels it. Griss wants him OUT. I nod, and we exchange our goodbyes. He kisses my forehead and I glance at Grissom as he's doing so. The look on Gil's face is distraught, and perhaps a little hurt. I don't want to hurt either of these men in my life, and know it's past the time I should have figured my feelings out for them.
I'm half tempted to throw a pillow at Grissom for making my family leave me, but I know that he's justified in wanting some time alone with me, and honestly I'd like to be alone with him too. I almost missed him while he was gone. I search my brain for the right thing to say and then finally settle with "How's Bruno?" Small talk seems like the safest avenue, for the moment.
"He's fine. He ate like I've never fed him before in his life, and I think he's tired of being cooped up like that, but I don't blame him." He tells me, only humoring me because he knows that deep down I love the dog almost as much as I love him.
"Aren't we all?" I ask, saying how tired I am of being cooped up as well. I make a mental note to take Bruno out for a good, long, run when I'm home and finally able to escape the over protectiveness of the people that love me.
Grissom allows his face to shift from mild mannered to troubled and he asks a question I've seen on his mind since he arrived. "That kid, was he your son?"
I nod. It's all I can say. I don't know how fundamentally this is going to change the musing and result he came upon while he was at home with our dog. I can't be sure how he's going to react so I just lay he idly hoping he'll speak sooner rather than later, so I don't go mad from the suspense.
I can't exactly blame him for asking the next question out of his mouth. In the last couple hours, I've suddenly become this person he never knew, with a life he never knew existed.
"And when were you planning on telling me about this?" His eyebrows raise, and suddenly I feel like a child being interrogated by a disappointed parent. Grissom has known me for over ten years now, and somehow I've been able to hide the fact that I'm a mother. I don't know why I've been so diligent about hiding it from people. I adore Ryan, but it's just not something I readily share, because I get the questions about if he lives with me, and I have to answer that no he doesn't, and then I get those looks - like I'm a bad mother, or don't love my son enough because I can bear to have him live away from me.
Well, I can't bear it. It kills me to have Ryan away from me, and this situation is just so hard to explain, so I just avoid it. But now, as Grissom stares back at me with those impossibly hurt eyes, it has come back to bite me in the butt. I feel like I would've rather endured years of those questions and looks, to avoid the heartbreaking look on Grissom's face right now.
"I can't explain why I didn't tell you. I guess I was just afraid you'd leave me." This is the most honest answer I can think of right now, and I'm sick of lying to him. "I was twenty-two when I met you and instantly smitten. I guess I figured telling you that I was married and had an infant son would ruin my chances. Then, though we never lost contact for long, we weren't exactly best friends and personal issues didn't come up. When you asked me to stay out here in Vegas with you, I sat down with Alexander and we talked about it for a long time and decided that I had to do what was best for me, and that was take every chance I had to be with you. I never told you because I just couldn't stand the thought of losing you."
"So you blame me?" He asks rather scornfully.
"No, I don't blame you. When I came here, it was only going to be for the Holly Gribbs case, and then it turned into the fall, then the year, then…" I make a motion with my hand, feeling I didn't need to continue. "Eventually, I had to make a choice that I've lived with every day for eight years, and that I was happy with because I had you.. You're not to blame, I'm the only one who owns that, but it was worth it."
I let out a breath, feeling I needed to continue still. "I never intended for my marriage to Alexander to fall apart, but I never really expected it to last this long." I go on. "And Ryan - I knew he was in good hands with Alexander, and I get to see him on holidays. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but that's just the way things are." I huff and cross my arms, almost pissed with Grissom for making me spill all this information to him. But I remind myself this is all my fault. I brought this upon myself, and there's no one to blame but me. Grissom seems at a loss for words.
"If I had known about all this, things would have been..."
"Different." I finish for him. "I know. But you didn't know, and this is how things are."
"So, where does that leave us?" He asks, taking up the seat next to me. I take it as a good sign that he's sitting here and obviously willing to work things out.
I stop and regard the situation for a moment and at a midpoint through my introspection I realize that I've had a really long day and a lot of things happening to me, and that I'm exhausted. Though I'm sorely tempted to think of my own good health and finish this conversation quickly, I decide that Grissom deserves the last drop of my energy. "I'd like it to leave us where we were. We have a good thing, I don't want to mess it up."
I breathe out a long, drawn-out sigh, and close my eyes, tired from all the emotions of the day. I've lived the last year of my life taking it for granted that Grissom will always be there, though I have recently found him slightly annoying. And now, with this mess I've caused, I wouldn't be surprised if Grissom wants to cut things off with me for good.
"Well, it might be too late." He tells me, causing my heart to drop. My eyes shoot up, looking at his normally expressionless face, and find deep hurt there. He's hurt that I've basically lied to him all these years about so many things. I've foolishly told myself over the years that I wasn't really lying to him - I just wasn't telling him the whole truth. I should've known better - I've been preaching that to Ryan for years, that a half-truth is really a lie.
I'm half tempted to beg him to take it back and to reconsider. I think I'd grab him by the face and hold his cheeks in my hands, but I'm just too tired. I gaze into his gray eyes for a few moments and when I can tell he's about to speak again, about to end it, a nurse walks in. She looks at me and concern spreads on her face, obviously I'm not up to having a visitor anymore. She knows he's been by my side for months but senses it's time for him to go.
"Sir, I'm sorry but it's time for Ms. Sidle to get some rest now." I silently make a note to hug the woman when I get the chance. She just rescued me when I most needed a rescuer.
Grissom leaves me and before I've time to watch him walk down the hall and out of my sight I'm overcome with sleep.