Because of my frequent deaths, I had built up an impervious amount of bravery, I could do anything I wanted without fearing it because no matter what there were no consequences. I could rob a bank, stash the money, then kill myself and come back to it later. I had my own way of escaping everyone where ever or whenever I needed to or not. I was the only person who could really say I was going to commit suicide and go through with it, because really, of all the times I really wanted to die and stay dead, I'd just have to except returning eventually. Though, a few times I got away with staying in heaven or hell for months at a time. I even had more control over how often I died now a days, I hadn't died once since Stan's death, maybe that was why I felt like no one would ever see him again, because I hadn't seen him in so long.
Anyway, every time someone I knew told me they wanted to die or kill themselves, I let them. Craig, Wendy, some other people, they were all still alive because of me, all because when they told me they were going to do it I said "go ahead". You see, saying one thing is a hell a bunch different from actually doing it. Craig got far enough to actually shoot himself, but he pulled away at the last minute and just grazed the side of his face. He was forced to go back to school a few weeks of therapy later with a huge scar on the right side of his forehead that was only somewhat hidden by his hair. I felt bad for him, that scar told everyone what he had tried to do, it was obvious by it's shape and feel. Like a cut and like a burn at the same time; he went from wallflower to the main attraction walking down the high school hallway. That had to be the worst part, already wanting out of life then everyone giving you a hard time about it.
He never talked to me after, I didn't talk to him, but occasionally we still passed each other going to classes or I saw him at lunch eating his bag lunch with Tweek, I guess that was the one upside of the scar. Once he got it, Tweek was less twitchy around him, he talked normally just looking at it, I guess it was so overwhelming he could only think of one thing at a time: the scar. Without his mind moving around at light speed all the time he was able to get his act together, Craig didn't mind Tweek staring, everyone else was too so it didn't matter. That was how they eventually got together.
Everyone always went to me with their death wish, probably because I was the most connected to the afterlife out of everyone at our school. And so far the student death count was 1: a Stan Marsh. No matter who it was or their problem, when it came down to actually pulling the trigger or jumping or however they decided to do it, they chickened out. They were all just too attached to their life. At the last minute they'd all remember their family or their good friends and how really they had so much to live for, and they couldn't do it.
Kyle was different.
He was the only person I knew who when he said death was the one way to his happiness he was right and he was willing. Mom and dad? Just not the same as Stan's love. Ike? They weren't even related. Cartman? As if!
He had no attachments to anyone left on earth, not even me. I didn't blame him, in fact, I think the only thing still keeping him here was me, but I could always die and visit Stan and him once they were reunited, so just like our death list, I couldn't be applied.
He was so anxious to just be with Stan again he would have ran right out into busy traffic after the cremation if I hadn't been there to stop him. I even tried the whole "go ahead" trick when he said he'd do it, then I had to pull him back as he took a step off the sidewalk. I swear I had no idea how excited he was, it was almost creepy if I didn't know how much being separated from Stan hurt him.
After he told me the details of his plan, that was exactly "kill myself", he agreed to meet me Sunday the next day to actually do it. Kyle wanted to do it the simple way by just getting it over with, I suggested we make it a show so glorious Stan couldn't not watch him do it. Then Stan would know how much pain he put Kyle through when he walked across that street.
So Kyle agreed to meet at my house the next day at seven in the morning so we could get all the stuff we needed before we actually did it at his house in the afternoon when his parents and Ike would be out. We only needed a few things; candles, flowers, matches, tape, painkillers, and a Living Dead Doll. We were going all out; all out for you Stan.
He met me at my house, he already had the tape and matches, I went and got the box out from under my bed. Kyle waited behind me with all our already gathered supplies in his arms, he was looking at my coffee mug collection as I threw up my comforter and dug under my bed for my small little shoe box. My door was already closed, so I didn't have to worry about anyone seeing as I threw off the lid once I had retrieved it. Inside I pulled out a little plastic bag full of Morphine.
"Where the hell did you get those?" Kyle asked when I handed them to him.
"I stole them from my brother when he was diagnosed with Crohn's." I said taking the stuff from his arms and shoving it all in the shoebox. "I was saving them for something important, I guess now would be the best time to use them."
He looked down at them again, "Are you sure they're safe?"
"Dude, you're going to be dead anyway, I don't think you should be worried about painkillers." I called walking out the door.
He ran up behind me fast trying to keep up as I walked down the sidewalk, "Let's just get this over with as soon as we can, I don't want to have to wait any longer than I have to."
I turned around then making him stop in his tracks, "You love Stan, right?" I ask, he nodded looking unsure of what I was getting at. "You'd die for him?" He nodded again. "You'd wait a thousand years for him?"
Kyle was un-amused, he just crossed his arms then grabbed the box from my hands, "Yes, but I don't have to, let's just hurry it up, you're pissing me off."
"I'm pissing you off? Dude, I know you need him, but don't give me a hard time about it, I'm just here to help."
We reached our first destination then, flower shop, Kyle was quiet, something told me he didn't hear a word I said, he had his wallet out the whole time pretending to look at Carnations, I knew his eyes were on his pocket sized picture of Stan Mrs. Marsh let him have. I went over and picked out a big bunch of blood red roses for us then went back to find him. Just as I thought, he was standing there looking at the picture running his fingers across Stan's face, I walked up behind him, I figured he had heard me, apparently not. The second I said his name he jumped a little giving a small yelp and dropped the photograph.
"Kenny, don't do that!" He yelled trying to catch Stan's picture in the air as it slipped around still falling. "You almost scared me to death, and if you wanted to scare me, next time make it good enough to actually finish the job!"
"Come on, dude, we have to buy these and get out of here," I said, Kyle had by then managed to grab the photo and had it cupped delicately in his palms again, "we still have a bunch of stops to make."
He turned away from me still looking at the photograph, "You go ahead and pay for them," He handed me his wallet, "I'll be waiting by the door, I need some time alone."
The rest of the time we spent running around town buying the stuff I ran ahead to get to the store and pick out whatever it was we needed so I'd be by the checkout stations by the time Kyle showed up, he walked slowly following me everywhere. We got some black candles, some incense, the Living Dead Doll I mentioned earlier. He just never looked up from his photograph. Kyle really did have a thing for him.
Our last stop was the Marsh house where we would make our last pick up. Kyle rang the bell making the distraction while I snuck around the back and climbed in a window to get Stan.
It was easy, only Mrs. Marsh was home, so when she got up to answer the door the coast was clear and Kyle just asked if he could come in and look at their scrapbooks. I had gotten Stan's jar in a matter of minutes then escaped back out of the house without getting caught. Kyle and I agreed after five minutes I would have the urn and then Kyle would make up an excuse to leave, but it was thirty minutes later and I was staring through the front window of the Marsh household watching Kyle sit there next to Stan's mom flipping through page after page of lost memories.
They were looking at one page, Kyle was loosing it, I saw him start to cry again then Mrs. Marsh pulled him close to her and comforted him like he was her own son. Maybe if Stan hadn't had died Kyle would have eventually become her son, or son-in-law at least. They could have set up a wedding, I could have been Stan's best man—or Kyle's—and then they'd go honey mooning in Fiji, and I'd tag along and surprise them. Then for Thanksgiving we could have all been together and watched football on TV and tell bad jokes during diner. Maybe if Stan hadn't have died Kyle wouldn't be so messed up and he wouldn't have to kill himself. Maybe.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't notice Kyle get up and Mrs. Marsh escort him to the door. He walked out and closed it behind him, then without saying anything to me started walking down the street to his house.
"Kyle, wait up!" I yelled chasing after him, once I finally caught up I asked for an explanation. "You alright? You got pretty emotional back there, you sure you just don't want to call the whole suicide thing off?"
He looked over at me, his eyes were red and his cheeks were reflecting the sun's glare off of the water left behind from when he was crying. He just reached for Stan's urn so we traded and I carried our supplies as he carried Stan carefully, holding him tight against his body.
"Kyle?" I asked again.
He looked up then, not at me, at the road ahead of us. His face was serious with what looked like determination. His walk began to slowly pick up speed as we raced to his house and little tears fell silently and unnoticed as he walked.
"I promise, nothing will ever come between us again." He said so softly, I think he was talking to himself, or maybe it was Stan. "Let's go Kenny."
"You sure you want to go through with this?" I asked trying to keep up with him.
He looked over at me not breaking his stare with my eyes, "I've never been more certain about anything in my life."
"Alright then."
We made our way up his empty driveway and Kyle opened the front door to let us in. His parents and Ike were out, just as we had planned. We ran up his stairs to his room where I dropped our stuff and he set Stan's jar in the middle of his dresser on a little spot he had cleared before hand. I went ahead and started the next part of the plan, picking up all the discarded and used tissues from his floor and whatever else was there and threw it out into the hallway. Next to go was Kyle's bed sheets and his mattress. I was ripping off his blankets and pillow when I looked back over at him; he was standing over his dresser not doing anything to help. He was just staring at Stan's jar thinking about him again.
I straightened my back standing back up with the corner of a sheet in one of my hands watching him watch Stan. If I had to set up the whole thing myself then his parents would be home by the time it really got down to business, then we'd really be in trouble.
"Hey Kyle, you wanna help me?" I asked trying not to sound like a jerk.
He put down Stan's jar and turned around grabbing his blankets off his bed and threw them out in the hall as well, "Yeah, sorry, I just needed a minute."
After we had gotten his mattress off and threw it down the stairs we took apart his bed and got that in the hall as well, his bedside table was too heavy to move and we couldn't get it apart so we left that and the dresser and just removed all his stuff from both. The room was completely bare now, I got out the bright red tape and Kyle laid down on his floor in the middle of the room and I used it to trace his body on the dark wood floor. Once that was over we got the blood red roses and Kyle went downstairs to get some construction scissors. He came back up with them and we got to work cutting them off at the stem so they were just the flower and threw them in a pile.
We were digging through our plastic bags of other bought stuff, Kyle pulled out the Living Dead Doll and looked it over. It was part of the Days of the Dead series, he was kind of skeptical when I added it to our list of stuff to buy, he was taking her out of her box now.
"Why did we need to get this thing? It's creeping me out." He asked trying to force it out.
"I saw stuff about them on the internet and I wanted one." I said plainly, well, it was the truth. "Plus, I thought it'd make the suicide cooler."
He just pulled the thing out and threw it in the pile of roses. I took out our twenty-so black non-scented candles from my plastic bag and began lining them up. They were really bulky and had flat bottoms so they stood on their own, that was going to come in handy, not like Kyle wanted to die setting himself on fire.
I took the candles after I had unpacked all of them and Kyle took a handful of roses and we placed them on the ground all around Kyle's outline I had marked on the ground with the tape. Once we had those sorted out evenly spread around the tape I opened the bag of Morphine and we both took some with a few swigs of his bottled water. I took the tape in my hands again and ripped two equal strips pinning them on Kyle's shirt on the more right side of his chest in an X, it easily stood out against his dark black T-shirt. I laid him down in position back inside our tape line then lit the candles with the matches and turned out his light. I took the doll from the ground and Stan's jar from Kyle's dresser, gave the urn to Kyle and put the doll on the dresser in it's place.
We were all ready to go, I could start to feel the Morphine kicking in, damn that stuff works wonders.
"Kyle, you feel anything?" I asked bending over him, he was looking at Stan's jar again.
"Nope."
I raised my hand and slapped him roughly across the face, "Feel that?" I asked again.
"Nope."
"Good."
"You brought the extra item?" He asked, maybe that should have been the first thing we talked about when we met earlier, what if I had forgotten? It'd be too late now.
Despite our list of things to get, there was one thing we needed that wasn't on the list, it was alright though, I had it.
I held up my mom's dagger she kept in her purse when she went out, it was bronze in colour and was thin almost like a needle with a slim handle for holding it, "How could I forget?"
He sighed, "Oh, good, for a second I thought you had forgotten."
I stood then, then threw my leg over his and squatted over him, being careful to not knock over any of the candles. Kyle had his eyes closed whispering something to Stan's jar, he immediately opened his eyes to look at me once he felt me sit on his legs. Kyle said he wanted it over with, I had the dagger in both hands and raised it above my head.
"Alright, here we go…"
"Stop!" Kyle suddenly yelled grabbing my arm preventing me from continuing. I guess he came to his senses and decided to move on; apparently not. "I want the last thing I look at to be him."
I groaned getting up and got his wallet that was sitting on his bookshelf and threw the photo from it to him which he caught, "Go ahead, take your time."
I stood over him as he looked at Stan's photo, then over at Stan's jar, then back to his photo, then back to his jar. Finally, when he was ready he closed his eyes, putting the photo in his pocket and held the urn at his side still clenched in his hand. I swung my leg over him again, this time there were no interruptions. I leaned forward raising the knife again. The very last minute I saw him let out a deep breath, he was smiling slightly to himself, then I threw my hand down, piercing through the center of the red X on his shirt, and Kyle was dead.
Fifteen seconds later when I was sure he was dead I pulled the knife out again, got up and walked over to his opposite bedroom wall, sat down, and then stabbed myself.
Kyle wanted me too. He had gotten me to agree before hand he would die for Stan, but he didn't want to go alone incase Stan was trapped in purgatory or something stupid like that. He wanted me there so if something went wrong I'd be there for him so he could at least have a shoulder to cry on. I wasn't saying it wouldn't work, I really hoped it would, but there was the slight chance of it all ending in disaster and us never seeing Stan again.
Kyle didn't care. On one level, I really wanted him to, because it seems ever since the funeral the only thing he cared about was seeing Stan, or how much he meant to him. I know I'm not exactly his knight in shining armor, but can't I at least get some credit? Anyway, on another level, I didn't care much at all myself. Maybe because if that happened, I'd have a way out, and I wasn't entirely screwed like Kyle would be. The point is, if it came between Stan and him, it didn't faze him for a second.
That Morphine was great, I didn't feel a thing. Well, I did, but it wasn't pain. When I was stabbing myself it was more like a sudden shock of cold and then a large slow wave of heat that kind of lingered afterward. I died before I could get a fourth hole in myself, when my spirit freely left my body I could see across the room Kyle was standing there waiting for me.
"Come on, Kenny!" He called, I ran over to him. "So, what happens now?"
I looked around the room a minute, "Well, depending on whether we're going to Heaven or Hell, there will either be a portal on the ceiling or the floor." I said glancing from one to the other for a few seconds.
He was about to ask more questions when a big wind came up and a bright light shined down from his ceiling. It was the portal, and it was above us shining down like the annoying fluorescent lights they have in big chain stores like Wal-Mart and shit.
"How are we supposed to get up there?" Kyle asked shielding his face from the wind and the light.
"Just jump!" I yelled above the wind and we both jumped together spinning in the air and dove upwards through it and were engulfed in the white.
"Where are we?" I heard Kyle asking, his voice was surreal, but it only lasted for a few seconds before my head could stop spinning and I could hear him clearly. "This place is like a wasteland. Hey look, there's a guy up ahead!"
"A guy?" I asked trying to get to my feet but they slipped out from under me and I fell against what looked like a fluffy pillow but was really a concrete solid ground. "Where?"
My eyes adjusted to the weird, familiar light. Oh right. This was how you entered Heaven again. I pushed myself up from what now was a cloud, but it was strangely solid. Just like I remembered. Kyle was running over to the guy standing out in the middle of what looked like nowhere. Right. The outskirts.
"Kenny, who is this, where are we?" He asked walking up to the guy, he was standing at a podium out in the middle of nowhere.
I ran up behind Kyle and his new wings, "This is Peter." I said. "Sup Pete." I waved to him.
"Hey Kenny." He just said back.
"And uh, these are the outskirts."
Kyle looked at me funny, "The outskirts? Outskirts of what?"
"Heaven, genus, I'll check us in." I said walking up to Peter. "This is Kyle Broflovski, suicide by knife, that's under B's and put him as a P." I said to him, he just wrote stuff down, that reminded me, I took out my wallet and dug threw it giving him my card. "By the way, I only need two more."
He just took it and stamped it again handing it back to me.
"What was that?" Kyle asked as Peter continued to write in his little data book.
"What, the card? That's my frequent dying card." I said plainly. "Ever ten times I die and get it stamped, I get a free coffee mug." I said putting it back in my pocket. "I'd recommend one to you, but you don't seem to die as much as I do."
He stood there a moment, "So that's why you have so many coffee mugs."
Peter leaned over to me then, "We just got a new shipping, these one's are the "Who farted?" mugs."
"Again?" I asked turning back to him. "I got like fifty of those!"
He only shrugged then handed us our robes and Halos.
"Will we be getting business cards?" Kyle asked taking his, then looked over at his Halo. "How the hell am I supposed to put this on?"
I grabbed mine holding it above my head then let go letting it float there, "Just drop it." I said while Peter waved his hand around us and our clothes were replaced with our robes.
"Great. White." Kyle groaned looking down at his.
"Alright, you ready to see Stan again?" I cheered, and Kyle was automatically in a better mood. "Hit it, Peter!"
"Hitting it." He said taking out of his robe pocket a thing of keys, on which one looked like a garage door opener and pressed the big red button opening the gates behind him.
We stood there watching as they swung open to the inside and an even brighter light made it's way through as it was moving and blinded us, again. Kyle didn't shield his eyes, he stared directly into it as I turned away slightly.
"Have a good time, you two." Peter said then pulled out a magazine to read while he waited for more dead people to come get registered and allowed in.
"Come on, Kyle!" I yelled grabbing his wrist after I adjusted to the new new light and pulled him inside before the gates could close behind us.
We ran in and stopped as he looked over the whole area, "Dude, this is like a country club or something!" He exclaimed watching as some people floated by us.
I looked over at him, his eyes were darting from one thing to the next, "Exactly. That's kind of what Heaven is. One big community that stretches on into oblivion. It's like a really big, really friendly neighborhood."
Beyond the front gates was the square where there were a few people wandering about, the ground was white and the buildings were white and everyone who went by us whether we knew them or not said hello. God I hated that about Heaven. Everyone's just way too happy. Kyle stood there on the ground, he was looking around for something, I was floating. Of all the times I had died I had mastered flying by now.
"Where is he?" Kyle asked running forward pushing through a few people, "Kenny, where's Stan?"
I ran catching up to him, "Dude, Heaven is gigantic, he could be anywhere, I'm sure he's here."
I took him to the park then, I liked it there. They had white grass and white trees and a big fountain you could sit around an feed little white birds. Not many people went there, it was nice to get away from everyone when I came. We were walking along the trail through the small little buildings to the park, Kyle was behind me, he was trying not to cry again. I had to stop and wait for him to catch up to me a few times and I told him frequently it would be alright and that we'd find Stan.
By the time we actually got to the park I was beginning to think maybe Stan really wasn't here. Maybe he was in purgatory, or worse: Hell. But, why would Stan go to hell? I don't think he ever really did anything bad, he was probably just somewhere and we hadn't seen him yet, I mean, Heaven is really, really big.
We had just reached the park and had started our first time around the field in the middle when I looked up at the fountain. It was on like it always was, someone was sitting on it's edge feeding some birds some popcorn; it was Stan. He had a little bag of popcorn in his hands and was throwing it out for them, he was frowning. I nudged Kyle with my elbow then and pointed over at him, Kyle immediately took off.
"Stan!" He yelled, that made him look up too.
"Kyle?" He called standing up. "Kyle, is that you?"
Kyle just ran up and threw his arms around him, I was following slowly hovering over to them, when I made my way all the way over I just floated behind Kyle.
"What are you doing here?" Stan asked, they were still holding each other. "Kenny I'm not surprised, but Kyle, to be here you'd have to be…"
"Dead?" Kyle finished, Stan just nodded. "Yeah, I am."
I looked around a bit, there were still no people there to see us, "You know guys, I'm feeling like a third wheel. How about you two catch up, and I'll go get us some Subway." I said then started to float away.
"Kenny, wait!" Kyle called after me, I turned back around to see him with his arms still around Stan but they were apart and both facing me.
"Dude, Ken, we can all go, I'm really happy to see you too." Stan added.
"They have Subway in Heaven?" Kyle asked as we all walked from the park together.
We started walking there the three of us, I was leading the way, Kyle and Stan were side by side with literally no distance between them, Kyle was desperately clingy.
"They have all sorts of restaurants, I've never been to Subway, but I've passed it a few times." Stan said pulling him along.
"It's really good, Chef works there." I yelled back to them.
"Chef?" Kyle and Stan asked in unison.
"I totally forgot he had died, that was a really long time ago." Stan said trying to catch up with me. "How's he doing?"
I entered the Subway holding the door open for them, "Why don't you ask him yourself?"
They ran up eagerly to the counter pressing their hands against the glass and waited for the dark-skinned man behind the counter to turn around and notice them. Chef turned around a second later when I closed the door and joined them.
"Children!" He exclaimed leaning over the counter to get a better look at them. "What are you all doing here?"
"Sup Chef, what's the special?" I asked casually.
He looked over at me, "Hello Kenny, meatball subs today, what are you all doing here?" He asked again turning back to all of us.
Stan was the first to talk, "I was in a car accident around a month ago."
"I committed suicide." Kyle spoke up.
"Same." I said nonchalantly just raising two fingers uncapping a bottled water on the counter and took a swig.
Kyle looked over at me with the water, "You'd better pay for that, Ken."
"With what money?" I asked playing with some rubber bands next to it on the counter as well.
"Everything's free in Heaven." Chef said making us some subs. "You only come with what you're wearing and buried with."
Kyle stood struck for a few seconds just blinking then tore through his robe's pocket and pulled out the pocket sized picture of Stan he had earlier, "Cool."
Chef handed us two subs, "On the house."
I took them and headed for my usual booth up against the window with Stan and Kyle following, "Aren't they always?"
We all sat in silence as we ate, Stan and Kyle's was already cut into two six-inch halves so they shared. I was looking out the front window next to me, they were across form me snuggled up close to each other whispering, I wasn't paying attention.
Outside there were little kid angels running and flying around in the streets that they didn't really need to have; no one could really be buried with their car, so there was no point. I guess it was to make it feel more like home.
"I always have, I swear, I really missed you." I heard Stan whisper.
"What are we whispering about?" I asked turning my attention back to them, they just looked at each other then back to me silent. "Not going to tell me?"
They scooted about a foot apart form each other and returned to their sandwiches not saying a word. I watched them carefully as I ate my own sub, Kyle kept biting his lower lip and Stan kept glancing over at him. There was some fidgeting under the table coming from Stan who I presumed was swinging his legs back and forth, but when he accidentally kicked my foot on the side he stopped.
"Oh, sorry Kenny, that was meant for Kyle." He assured then stopped everything completely going back to his sub.
"Playing footsie?" I asked raising one eyebrow.
"No." Kyle glared up at me seriously then he went back to his sandwich too.
Stan took us back to his apartment afterward, hey, the dead have to have a place to sleep too, alright? Everyone got one when they died, he showed us his, building C78 room 506. It was plain and grey white like all the others, he ran over and flopped on his very square bed that was in direct view of the front door and Kyle and I followed.
"Sweet pad." Kyle said looking around at the bed, few lamps, the empty dresser, and the mini kitchen and bathroom.
"Next time I die all bring you guys a TV." I said noticing the bare wall across from the bed. "Heaven's nice, but there isn't too much to do."
"I like it." Kyle said poking his head out from the kitchen. "It's simple, nothing to distract you from what's going on."
"And nothing to actually tell you what's going on." Stan groaned sitting up against the backboard of his bed. "I always wanted to know what you guys were up to, I couldn't even see you like the people in the ghost movies could!"
I turned towards him, "Dude, in the middle of Central Square they have this giant pond that projects what's going on in Middle Earth." I said going over and I sat on the edge of his bed. "You just go over whenever you want and everyone takes turns asking it to show someone they know that's still alive and it jumps over to them."
"That's handy."
"I'll show you guys some other time." I said.
"Why not now?" Kyle asked coming over and he sat on the other side of the bed closer to Stan.
I looked down at my hands, they were starting to turn translucent, "I think I'm going back now." I said getting up as I became more transparent. "I'll see you guys in a few days, alright?"
"Bye, Kenny." Kyle called. "Thanks for escorting me here."
"We'll see you around." Stan added. "Don't keep us waiting too long."
"Will do." I waved before I disappeared completely. "Bye guys."
The blackness consumed me, a second later I fluttered my eyes open and looked up at the hole in the ceiling of my bedroom. I had come back. I sat up in my bed and looked over at the door. I got up and checked under my bed a minute, when I found my shoebox really was gone I let out a sigh.
"Kyle's really dead." I breathed to myself. "We did it."
I jumped back up on my bed then throwing my head down into my pillow giving out a long sigh, and for once—just for once—I was actually looking forward to my next death.