Hi! I'm back, and I'm also surprised with myself. I didn't think I would update this chapter so soon, but here it is! ~cheers~
Well, this chapter is longer than the first one. When I first wrote it, I cried and thought it was perfect. By now, I have some doubts, but I hope you guys enjoy. :3
REVIEWS
"Guest: Great start to what I know is gonna be a great story. Please don't keep us waiting for chapter 2" Thank you! I'll try to update the chapters as soon as possible, but I can't promise you anything XD
"Guest: Oh my goodness that was good! I'm a sucker for a good romance in the middle of dark times/ a dark story. Great job!" Haha, thank you so much.
"Alliecattie3: Good start..." Thanks!
"Mowatts87: I am definitely still here reading Samcedes stories. This was a great beginning to a new story. I really want to know why Mercedes lives a lone. I want to learn her entire story. I hope this doesn't lead to her hurting herself on a regular basis. Can't wait for the next update!" Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. This chapter will explain everything you need to know by now, and I'm sorry if it disappoint you. :/
"Guest: Loved it! Cant wait for the next chapter" Thanks!
I absolutely LOVE listenig to music while writing, so I will share with you the songs I listen as I write this fanfic. :)
Songs for this chapter:
Not about angels - Birdy
Breathe me - Sia
PS: I'm a Brazilian, what means that English is not my native language. I'm sorry for any mistake that may appear. Please forgive me.
I own nothing about Glee, all rights reserved to Fox.
This is MY story, I only used the characters. Please, do not copy. Writing is not as easy as you think, it requires a lot of concentration and imagination, so don't publish a story that doesn't belong to you.
Thanks.
Good reading :)
The next day she was there again, staring at her own reflection on the mirror. But she couldn't recognize herself. The old Mercedes was back, and the new one, didn't have a place to hide from her ghost.
Mercedes wiped away the tears in her eyes, and took the blade from her drawer, pressing it against her wrist. She took another deep breath and sobbed a little, before tighten the object and cut her skin, letting a trickle of blood run down her arm.
Mercedes inahled deeply and concentrated on the pain. Tearswere falling in her face again as she tried to stay calm. She couldn't have another panic attack. Not now.
She was ready to cut another line in her pulse when she heard footsteps in the hallway.
"Damn... The door was open."
She only had time to hide her hands behind her back and turn around to see Sam standing at the door.
"Ow...I...I'm sorry..." He apologized.
Mercedes didn't say anything. Why was he there? Why was he there right now? He couldn't see her bleeding and hurt. He couldn't know about her deepest secret, that she wasn't strong enough to leave her past behind.
He couldn't know that her happiness was fake.
She focused her eyes on the floor.
"I.. Just came to give your jacket back" He raised his hand, showing her clothe. "I borrowed yesterday, at the party and.. "
Mercedes notice his pause and looked up at him.
"Were you crying?" He asked, frowing and taking a step towards her.
"No!" She exclaimed "No.. I was.. Washing my face!"
She forced a smile and wiped the tears away with her clean pulse, that had a few scars from last night.
Sam observed her and looked around the bathroom.
"Wait, is that blood?" He pointed to the floor, next to her feet.
And with that Mercedes did the huge mistake of turning around to see the red stain on her carpet. Sam didn't waste time to grab her arm and turn her to face him again.
"What is this Mercedes?"
"This is none of business!" She tried to escape his grip, but she didn't have a chance against his strenght.
"I'm serious! Why are you doing it?" He looked at her and she could see the concern in his eyes. Finally he loosened her arm, and she stepped back, rubbing her wrist.
"It's my problem" Mercedes tried to explain. "It's not that bad, you shouldn't worry.."
"You are cutting your wrist, bleeding and hurting yourself and I shouldn't worry?" Sam yelled.
Mercedes looked at him confused. He was now really close to her, pressing her back against the sink. Why was he still there? She wasn't his friend. They didn't even talk. They just knew each other because of glee club. She couldn't get why he was so interested in her personal life.
"Why do you even care?" She yelled back.
His answer was grab her face and cover her mouth with his. Mercedes was surprised. She didn't respond at first, but once his tongue slipped to her lips, she imediately parted them and opened her mouth. Sam held her face as he deepened the kiss. Mercedes had died and gone to heaven. She was lost in him. She had let him take the control as she drowened on him. And everything he was. Everything she could never have.
This wasn't right.
With a bit of lucidity she had left, Mercedes pulled away from him, tilting her head down, as her bloody hand rested on his chest.
"Stay away from me.."
"Mercedes please.."
"Stay away from me!" Mercedes screamed and moved to the corner of the bathroom.
Sam shook his head and run his head throught his hair.
"You'll have to explain this tomorrow.. At glee club."
"I don't follow orders.."
"But you will!" The blonde took a deep breath and sighed. "Because we are your friends and we deserve an explanation."
"Get out of my house.." Mercedes murmured, steeping out of the bathroom and heading to the front door.
Sam followed her.
"So tomorrow.."
"I said get the hell out!"
And he did, leaving her bleeding and with a confused mind, crying on the floor.
Mercedes didn't want to be there. She didn't want to go to school, because she knew she would have to face her friends. And Sam. She wasn't ready for it, not after all she went throught this weekend.
But there she was, walking on the hallway, heading to her locker like nothing happened. And there was Sam Evans trying to fuck her life up more than it already was.
"What do you want? " She rolled her eyes as he leaned against the locker next to her.
"I want to talk Mercedes"
She sighed
"Then speak"
He stood there staring at her for a long while before start
"I just can't understand!" He moved his hands restlessly, as he looked down. "You've always been so kind and lovely with the people around. These two months that I know you, were enough for me to realize how confident and amazing you are. So why would you do that to yourself?"
Mercedes shrugged.
"You told me to explain myself at glee club, and that's what I'm going to do."
She walked away but was stopped when he reached for her hand, grabbing her wrist again.
"You have to stop doing this." Mercedes whispered.
"Just one question." He looked at her without loosing his grip. "How long?"
She closed her eyes and swallowed.
"You wouldn't want to know."
He gave her a sad look and let her go.
"Okay guys, so we can start practicing our songs for Nationals." Mr. Shue walked into the classroom heading straight to the board.
" ." Sam caught the teacher's attention. "I think Mercedes has something to say first."
William seemed a little confused as he glanced over the black girl sitting in the background.
"Actually.." She stood up. "I have something to sing, if you don't mind."
"Of course not, come here."
Mercedes gave the teacher a forced smile, as she walked to the front of the choir room. Everyone was staring at her, waiting for her song choice.
"I do have things to say to you guys, but first I will sing. Like we always do. And after that I'll give you the answers."
Santana and Tina frowned as they looked at each other, and Quinn and Kurt murmured something as the others stared at her in confusion.
There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who I swear I've never seen
Do anything but laugh
She's tall and she's smart
Beaultiful and strong
And When someone's down
She tries to fix what is wrong
How does someone so perfect
Feel so insecure
And to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still want to hurt more
How does someone so loving
Learn to hate her own guts
Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade
As if her mind isn't dark enough
Mercedes played with her hands as the tears falled from her eyes.
There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who's eyes are glazed over
Like newly cut glass
The gost of a smile
Hints at ger face
And she laughs as they tell her
Who's one first base
How does someone so perfect
Feel so insecure
And to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still want to hurt more
How does someone so loving
Learn to hate her own guts
Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade
As if her mind isn't dark enough
There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who's so sad that you find it rare
To see her smile or laugh
Her friends tell her jokes
Like that one with the guy
But all she does is close her eyes
And enter her mind
How does someone so perfect
Feel so insecure
And to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still want to hurt more
How does someone so loving
Learn to hate her own guts
Drawing a picture on her arms with a blade
As if her mind isn't dark enough
For her imperfections
There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who yesterday took
The breath that was her last
She wrote a few notes
"I'm sorry I didn't say
But my mind was messed up
You couldn't save me anyway
And to the girl in the back of the class
Who feels the way I did"
How does someone so perfect
Feel so insecure
And to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still want to hurt more
At the end of the song, Mercedes was crying and sobbing, and so was Tina, Rachel and Kurt. Suddenly, everyone was making questions and the room was a mess.
"What happened?" Quinn asked.
"Did somebody die?" Puck enquired.
Now, Mercedes was totally lost in tears.
"Why are you crying?!" Blaine seemed worried, as he looked to Kurt trying to find an explanation.
"Let her explain!" Sam shouted. "She'll tell us everything."
He looked at her, and she could see his curiosity, but also could feel him trying to tranquilize her.
"The girl in the song... It's actually me."
Mercedes took a deep breath. Her eyes focused on her hands, resting on her lap, as she tried to avoid contact with everyone else.
"Everybody in here thinks that I'm a lovely and sweet girl. Or at least, you may think that I'm just another teenager, without any problems who always seems to smile. Well, that's not true. I was just eight when everything started to fall appart. It was supposed to be a trip, my family and I were in the car, taking the road. I can't remember where we were going or how long we've been traveling. But I still remember the way I was feeling. I was so happy, watching as the scenery changed outside my window. I still can see the face of my little sister, sleeping by my side. Rose. It's the only name I've memorized. Then, my mom told me it would be better for us to stop, so I could use the restroom. So we stopped at a gas station. I was the only one who got out, my dad told me they would wait inside the car. When I came back, the car was gone. So was my family. I stood there, looking for them, trying to understand why they did that. I started to cry and sat on the floor, hiding my face between my legs. I was so lost. They had left me behind. The ones I thought who cared about me. Who loved me! After that, I just started to believe that no one could ever do it. Anyways, one old man found me there and called the police. They took me to a delegacy. I couldn't stop crying, and also couldn't answer their questions. I didn't know anything about my parents, only their first names and that they didn't love me. They decided to hospitalize me in a mental hospital. It was the best way to get rid of me, as they said "you need to recover from this trauma." Well, they also said someone would adopt me. So I waited. I used to wake up everyday hoping someone would come and take me home. No one ever looked at me. And when they did, it was just a glance full of pity. I wasn't good enough for them. Or anybody. So after three years waiting for someone to save me, I realized that I couldn't be saved at all. That was the first time I hurted myself. I just grabbed the scissors I had in my pencilcase and cut my wrists. After that, they sent me to therapy. They thought I was crazy, and maybe I was. I tried to hide this stuff from my few friends at school. Somehow, they found out about my disease at the same time I found out they weren't really my friends. A few days later, all the students at school knew about it too. As if it were not enough to call me fat and ugly, or make jokes about my skin color everyday, people started to treat me like a freak. No one would talk or approach me. Nobody wanted me around. I was alone again. On my own, me against the world. I was left behind once again. Then I started to cut deeper. My clothes were now used to get stained by my blood, and my body was already accustomed with the pain I would feel every single night. I was hurting myself so badly that the doctors had to give me some medicines, that would tranquilize me and make me less angry, so I could forget about things for a while. It worked for sometime, but after a year I started to do everything all over again. But this time, nobody knew about it, except Sandy. I met her at the hospital, she had some troubles with her confidence, she was afraid of everything. Sandy was never able to go out. The real world scared her. Me too. She helped me through everything. She was my best friend, and she listened and talked to me. She was always there, when no one else where. I even stopped to cut my skin, because I found a reason to smile. Then Saturday, someone from the hospital called me. Sandy didn't wake up that day. She died sleeping. God has taken her. At least, she is back to where she belongs.. Heaven.. Because she.. She was my angel.."
Mercedes has to stop for a while, because of her loud sobs. She moved herself a little, trying to get comfortable at the chair. She tried to stop her tears to fall down, but she couldn't.
"I stayed at the hospital until I was fourteen. I was getting better, and they decided that was time for me to face the world again. My therapist was moving to LA, he decided to "give me" his old house. It's where I live now. But i had to buy food, pay bills and all this stuff that a fourteen is not used to do. So I started to work at the cafeteria near to the park. I don't receive so much money, but it's enough for me to keep things right. I have a scholarship here in Mckinley. In the hospital, they kept telling me I was smart, and if I studied I could make a difference some day. I don't know if I belived them, but I've always studied hard. A part of me wanted to learn about things, another one was just trying to keep my mind busy. So I made a test and here I am."
She raised her head to look at her friends.
"I thought it was over, I thought I had left all this feelings behind. I tried to forget my past and accept myself, but it's all coming back to me! I've lost my family, my childhood and my best friend! What else can be take off of me? Because I'm tired of losing people and get hurt. Is it because I'm fat? Because of my skin color? Because I'm ugly? Am I not good enough? All this thoughts came back to me after you guys left Saturday. That's why I went to my bathroom and hurt myself, cutting my wrists like I did before. And I did it once again yesterday. Unfortunately, someone caught me."
Mercedes looked at Sam and sighed.
"I owned you an explanation. Well, I've told you everything. Now, you all know who I really am. I'm lost, and I'm broken. And no one can fix me."
She got up and walked out of the choir room before anyone had time to say anything. All eyes were watered.
"Mercedes.." Sam stood up and run after her. "Mercedes!"
She was walking down the hallway, her hands covering her face, as the tears fell from her eyes.
"Mercedes please stop." Sam reached her and turned her body, forcing Mercedes to face him. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't" She looked away.
"Hey, hey." He lifted her chin with his fingers. "Let me help you."
"What part of 'stay away from me' you didn't understand, Sam?" She raised her voice.
"I'm not letting you go. I can't let you hurt yourself again."
"You have nothing to do with it, I've already told you so." Mercedes pointed her finger to Sam's chest. "You can't be near me."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm desenvolving feelings for you." She whispered and looked around, making sure nobody else would hear.
"So! Why is that bad?" Sam was totally confused and lost. He looked deep into her eyes, trying to read her soul.
"Because I can't fall for you Sam! You will leave me, like everybody else did! It's what happen to people I care about, and I'm tired of getting hurt. So please, stay away before it get worse."
"I'm not leaving Mercedes."
"You have to."
When she turned around to leave, they both were surprised by the slushies they got right on their faces. Before Sam could recompose himself from the cold that had invaded his body, Mercedes was running again. Far away from him. And it broke his heart.
Song used in this chapter:
Dark enough - Amanda Lopiccolo