The perfect cloudless days lasted longer than expected. Those who loved predicting the weather, which wasn't very difficult when the forecast consisted of rain, rain, and more rain; were beginning to feel frustrated. The town was finally at peace Sunday morning when they awoke to familiar thrashing winds and unrelenting pelts against their roof.
Nessie pulled on her yellow rain boots that she had found time to rinse off during the recent break in the clouds. She was heading to La Push for the day while her family played baseball. Clamping her keys between her teeth as lightly as possible, she shrugged her arms through the sleeves of her thin lavender jacket. She opened the door, wearily stepped onto the sheltered porch, studied her target, and with a final gust of air took off towards her truck sitting on the driveway. Scrambling for the handle, she threw the door open, and climbed in. Her hands shook with adrenaline, making it hard to slide the key into the ignition. After a few moments of concentration, the heat was blasting, stereo blaring, and the beast was in motion.
The roads were close to flooded by now. Eight days of sun came with a price. It was nearly impossible to see the rugged yellow stripe that divided the narrow roads. As she neared LaPush, she could practically taste Jacob's scent on her tongue. She made a sharp turn onto a gravel road heading into the forest. The truck continued for another five miles before Nessie spied her second home. As usual, Billy sat out on his porch sipping iced tea and watching Paul and Embry wrestle in the yard. She brought the truck to a halt and killed the engine. Covering her head with her hood, she opened the door to brave the downpour. The boys continued their brawl as she passed, but Billy greeted her with a warm smile and beckoned her closer. She bent over to hug him in his wheel chair.
"Jake's inside getting ready. I think he should be out of the shower by now."
"Thanks Billy, has Jake had lunch yet?"
"Probably not," he responded with a knowing smile. Nessie headed for the screen door that looked as though it were about to fall off. It swung open with a squeak and slammed closed behind her. She slipped her boots off and hung her coat on one of the five pegs lining the wall. The house was second nature to her as she made her way towards the bustle that indicated Jacob's daily ritual. She stood before his door that was ajar, and was ready to knock when the door flew open to reveal Jacob in a pair of dark wash jeans. His hair was still wet from his shower.
"Hey! what took you so long? I smelled you fifteen minutes ago."
She shrugged under his arm that was leaning against the door frame. After maneuvering her way around the many obstacles lying on the floor, Nessie made herself comfortable on his small, frame-less bed. "Well I could smell you way before that." She replied gloatingly. She might have exaggerated a little bit, but she wanted to beat Jake in at least one animalistic aspect. She was rewarded when Jacob's head jerked up.
Jake made is way over to her, sizing her up. He was calling her bluff, "and how far away was that exactly?" The grin on his face grew impossibly larger.
"A half an hour? Give or take." She said uncertainly. Jake was releasing the force of his intimidating alpha wolf self on her so naturally, she felt scatterbrained.
Jake's eyebrows flew up in surprise, "Really? That far away?"
Nessie cautiously answered "uh, yes?" She wasn't completely sure what the big deal was. Her senses were supposed to be getting stronger with time. She hadn't really thought about why she smelled him more than usual. But now, though her sense of smell was powerful, this was the first time she had ever picked up on a scent from that far away, especially in the rain. For some reason she found it a bit embarrassing.
She quickly changed the subject. "So what is the plan? No outside, I've already taken a shower today."
Jake smiled, but looked far away. "Do you want to get lunch in town and then go by the bookstore?"
"That sounds perfect." They sat in silence while Jake found a gray button up shirt that he rolled to the elbows. He looked like a modal. Nessie blushed and looked down at her hands that were placed in her lap. "Hey, I also wanted to thank you for coming to the party last night and taking me home. It meant a lot."
She felt Jake sit next to her on the bed. "You know there's nothing I'd rather do. It doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing. I will always be there." It sounded lighthearted, but Nessie knew he meant every word. His hand tilted her chin so he could read her expression. She looked into his eyes. His round, large, brown eyes that always reflected his heart. They had flecks of sunlight in them and a promise to always make her heart flutter. She could see herself in them now. He smelled so good. Like mint and boy, clean boy. His hand cupped her cheek. She could feel his heat engulfing her; feel his quick breath on her face. She couldn't tear herself from his eyes. He was so close.
Jake stood up abruptly, "I'll be back in a minute." He shook his head and proceeded to exit the premises leaving Nessie sitting on the bed utterly at a loss for words. She realized her body was tilted toward the place where Jake had just been sitting. She mentally smacked herself. He allowed herself to get carried away. What if she had kissed him? She groaned at how badly she wanted to kiss him. Why was she acting so weird? Jake practically threw himself away from her. She waited and waited for him to return but as time went on, his footsteps sounded farther and farther away. He couldn't possibly be in the house anymore.
After a few moments she slowly scooted off the bed and crept toward the deserted hallway. She wearily followed the graceful patting of Jake's feet touching the ground as it led her toward the back door. Through the trees she could see the shed where Jacob worked but she could see no sign of him. Her breath against the glass began to fog her vision. If his breathing weren't reverberating in her ears or the smell of his sweat not so potent, Nessie would not have known he had already bolted out of the house.
She felt an odd energy coursing though her that made her whole body shake. His reaction a few moments ago caused anxiety to well in her chest, but the mystery of where he was made her heart quicken its pace. She couldn't gather for herself what had just happened between the two of them, but she wanted to feel it again. She was scared. If she followed him, what would she find? At that same moment, she knew she couldn't resist the adrenaline of the unknown.
She slid the glass panel aside and sprinted out into the world of lush green patterns hanging around her, and the rumble of water as it pelted her skin like jelly beans spilling from clammy hands. The air felt warm and humid, yet her hands shook. The rain already soaked her cloths so that they stuck to every part of her, and made her want to thrash at the fabric to relieve the irritation. Her hair stuck the sides of her face before she pushed it back with both hands. Her feet sunk down into the grass-covered mud. She almost forgot why she had bothered to come out of the warm house. Suddenly, she caught a whiff of something deep, rich, clean, blood, Jacob.
She had to stop thinking, only let go and allow her senses to take over. She wasn't sure why Jacob had run off, it was so unlike him. He was so levelheaded, the protector, and voice of reason. One moment everything was normal and the next everything was in complete chaos. If she could just calm down, she could easily find Jacob in seconds. Though the anticipation was killing her, her mind seemed to be holding her back. The muscles in her legs felt like they were made of cotton. She continued to thrash blindly through the thick undergrowth. Her emotions were getting the better of her, allowing her to over think things and panic. Why couldn't she just like Jacob as a friend? What was she thinking back in his room? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Only the desire for him to feel the same way she felt about him.
She closed her eyes, took in a lung full of air and slowly let it exit. When she opened her eyes, the world around her changed. The leaves around her were not just leaves; they were crisp, waxy, jade, arrows that left the unmistakable trail of her Jacob. No not her Jacob; just Jake, her best friend and nothing more.
How long had she raced through the forest? She didn't listen for the squelching noise her bare feet made in the mud or the snap of her cheeks grazing near by branches. Those sounds were merely accompaniment to the cymbal that was Jake's blood pulsing through his veins. She reached an opening in the midst of foliage where she stopped. It just occurred to her that she had been living this fantasy for the past twenty minutes. In her fairytale circumstance, Jake loved her. Not in the way that he did now, but in the way that she couldn't help but feel for him. In her fantasy, he wanted her to follow him. She didn't know for what reason, but she imagined something wildly romantic. However, as she caught her breath, she remembered that Jacob was not looking for her company. She wanted to throw up. Yet again, she allowed her mind to elude reality. Why was she out in the pouring rain when she could be back in Jake's room, perfectly dry, and pretend that she hadn't even noticed he had left? Jake had given her no indication that he loved her any differently than he had for years. Her eyes began to sting and she leaned against a tree for support.
Her gag reflex was interrupted when a large figure stepped out from behind a tree a few yards away. She froze and watched Jake stare at her with a look on his face that she had never seen before. She fought the urge to look away. They stood there for an immeasurable amount of time. Her emotions ranged from relief, to confusion, to rage, and finally, sadness. Through the chaos of the chase, Nessie hadn't been able to describe the feeling that was ripping at her stomach. Now, looking at the boy she was in love with, seeing herself through his eyes, a little friend who looked like a drown cat and crying for no justifiable reason, she found a word for the feeling, humiliation.
"Jake," she timidly whispered after a few moments as though she had the perfect explanation as to why she was out in the forest, barefoot. Jacob didn't seem like he was looking for an explanation. He stood rooted to the spot like a child caught with his fingers in the wedding cake. He didn't look like the Jacob she had seen back in his room.
He had clearly phased due to the fact he was only wearing his jeans. His short hair was in disarray and his eyes ran slightly wild. He looked like he didn't register who she was. For the first time in her life, she was frightened of him. She felt her eyes begin to brim with tears again. She blinked a few times and Jake's face changed to a more subdued expression. Then, as though she had just appeared to him, he took a quick step forward and, out of instinct, Nessie took a sharp step back. She regretted it instantly at the unmistakable look of anguish on Jake's face. She was in so much pain at that moment and yet she couldn't bear to be the cause of Jacob's.
"Ness," He choked and reached a hand out toward her as though he could close the void between them. He couldn't though, and this time, she didn't have the strength to risk her heart. They couldn't have it both ways. She couldn't just be his friend knowing that Jake would eventually find someone else to hang out with, someone who he would fall in love with and marry just to leave her behind. She came to the realization that this would just be the beginning of heartache if she pretended any differently. She had to stop being sorry for wanting Jake. Whatever happened back in his room did not justify this reaction. If he didn't want her, why did he always have to hold her? Why was he always kissing her? Why did they spend almost every day together? People at her school never did that unless they had a "thing." Her friends were always telling her that Jake wanted her and even though she dismissed it every time, she couldn't help but take it to heart. She may have surprised him in his room but what did he expect? She didn't have the courage to ask, and had a feeling that Jake had no intention of explaining. Whether or not he did, she wasn't going to deal with this at the moment. In fact, she didn't want to deal with it ever. Her heart was on the verge of breaking.
Pressing her lips together in a tight line, she shook her head and backed away slowly until she could no longer read his wounded eyes, no longer hear his unspoken words, before turning her back and running towards her truck. She almost opened her truck door when she remembered her coat and boots were in the house. Thankfully the boys had stopped wrestling and Billy wasn't on the porch. She ran in the house, shuffling for her things when someone cleared their throat. She looked up to see Billy, Paul, and Embry sitting at the table in the kitchen.
"Where's Jake?" asked Billy; which seemed more like he was asking, "What's wrong?" Paul concentrated on his glass of water while Embry looked as though he was about to stand. She held her hand up to stop him.
"I'm going home. Sorry I got mud on the porch." She couldn't remove the defeated tone in her voice but picked up her boots and bolted out the door. She reached the truck, threw her things in the passenger seat and turned the key. She locked the door before pulling out of the driveway. Once on the road, she allowed the tears to fall.
The feeble morning sun broke through Nessie's eyelids. She squeezed them tightly to block out any vision that might remind her of a certain wolf. The orange red tinge of the light against her eyelids remained. She had hardly slept the previous night. Her soft down comforter was lying at her feet and her only coverage was a thin silk sheet. She pushed against her wrought iron headboard, arched her back, and attempted to relieve the tension throughout her body. The morning burst past the white shades that Nessie had forgotten to close the night before. She turned away but now was faced with another horrible sight; her alarm clock read 8:30 am. Nessie groaned and threw her pillow over her head. Time didn't stop and she would be expected to join the day.
The past few days had been such a blur. She had not spoken to Jacob since the situation in the woods. As much as she wanted to see him, to forget about not wanting to be his friend, she knew she had to be patient. She wasn't sure if Jake even wanted to see her. The last time she had let her curiosity get the better of her; she wound up humiliating herself. This was a test of their friendship. If Jake cared, he would come for her. The problem with this theory is that it had been days and Jake had yet to show up. She was growing more frightened, and the scenarios just popped into her mind one after the other. The most common: what if Jake didn't want to see her anymore? She had never been in this situation with Jake. Not even close to this. Her time away from him had allowed Nessie to cool off, to forget about the feeling of embarrassment. All she wanted was for things to go back to normal. Sure, she would go back to being heartbroken over unrequited love, but she would rather have him as just a friend than not at all.
Today was her birthday, and Jake wasn't going to be there. She just knew it. It would be way to weird for Jacob to attend an outing where he wasn't welcome. Was he not welcome? Was his little escapade in the forest such a big deal that she wouldn't want her best friend at her birthday celebration? Of coarse she wanted him there. She wanted him to be there tonight so badly it hurt. On the other hand, she wasn't sure she was ready to deal with their problem. She was so confused she didn't know whether to scream at him or grovel for forgiveness.
In an effort to wake up, she threw off her covers exposing herself to the cool air. With a loud groan she slumped to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and brushed her teeth while the water warmed up. The mirror had already begun to fog up before she felt the warm water on her back. For a while, she just sat there and let the gentle pat soak her skin. Then, she washed her hair until the soap piled on her head like a turban, and shaved her legs twice. Her shower lasted longer than usual as she waited for her headache to go away.
Once ready, Nessie traipsed down the stairs in a sea blue blouse and Bermuda shorts. She was heading over to Emily's to help set up for the party. Nessie's family would only stop by for a little while. Aunt Alice was planning a much larger birthday bash later on in the week. She ate a piece of toast while she searched for her sandals. After fifteen minutes, Nessie was backing out of her driveway.
Nessie had barely knocked on the Uley's rickety door when it flew open, and Emily locked her in an enthusiastic embrace. Emily pulled her toward the kitchen where onions and peppers were already chopped up. Sam was peeling potatoes and greeted Nessie. At first he smiled, but even after Emily had moved onto the next order of business, he continued to study Nessie in a way that made her think he was reading her mind.
Sam and Seth moved picnic tables and chairs to the back yard. Emily and Nessie cooked and set up decorations for most of the afternoon while talking about things that stayed far away from Jacob. Nessie could tell that Emily was itching to ask her something but she was in no hurry to further the conversation. The two were placing a tablecloth over a picnic bench when Emily suddenly asked, in a tone that indicated she already knew the answer, "Why isn't Jake helping set up?"
Nessie debated whether to answer or not. She didn't feel like telling Emily the whole story, still leaving out her feelings, when Sam had probably already told her. On the other hand, she knew Emily had good intentions, and maybe it would relieve some of the frustration brewing inside her. With a dramatic sigh she began her story. Though she had not intended it to, her explanation took longer than she thought. She explained how Jake was her solid foundation and was open with her. He spent time with her almost every day, yet there seemed to be something missing. Even though she hadn't planned on it, she talked about her "almost" kissing Jake. Looking back on the moment, she couldn't tell whether she was about to kiss him or if he hadn't been leaning in a bit as well. She voiced this concern to Emily too. She retold the event in the woods, and how he had contradicted all the things she thought she knew about him in that one look he gave her when he stepped out from behind the tree.
"I was scared. I couldn't face him. When I ran after him I –I guess in a way I wanted him to prove something. I'm not sure what, but I just had this feeling that if I found him, our relationship would finally make sense." She laughed without humor. It was more like an attempt to keep from crying. "I wanted to know if he felt something. I guess I got my answer, didn't I? He didn't feel a thing, unless you count terror. If –if I had known I might have- I just didn't expect to feel this way."
There was a long pause. Nessie felt like she should have said more but she drew a blank. When she looked up, Emily was looking at her fingers clenched around the fabric. After a moment she pulled the two corners over the sides of the table, and moved her hands over the surface like an iron. Then she said quietly, "Sometimes the people we care about the most, disappoint us the most. We set a standard for them, and when they let us down, not only are we disappointed in them, but in ourselves for setting that standard in the first place. It's easy to forget that Jake makes mistakes. He is a great kid or I guess I should say 'man', but Jake loves you, and he has messed up by reacting in the most idiotic way possible." They both laughed at this. "I think you forgot how to read the look on that young man's face when you found him in the woods. My guess is that he was as humiliated as you were. You are the last person he would ever want to let down."
"But how would he know that he let me down? It doesn't make sense to me why I'm so upset, you know? So what? He ran out in the woods and phased. He's done that a hundred times. Why am I hurt?"
Emily cut in, "Because your relationship is changing. If you're scared, then he's scared. You don't want him to be scared though. You want him to be confident. I'm not speaking for him. I'm just saying that he's a guy and guys do the dumbest things when they're scared."
Nessie wasn't quite sure how to respond to what Emily had said. Emily seemed confident that the relationship was changing. Was it a good thing, or a bad thing? Though some things confused her, Emily's words resonated somewhere within her. What more had Jake's face said? She tried to replay the image, but his face was blurred; like her mind had blocked it. Emily didn't seem like she was eager for an reply, and they continued in silence for the remainder of the afternoon.
As six o'clock rolled around, the two girls were just lighting the tiki torches when a group of young men appeared out of the woods. Their bronze chests gleamed in the light of the setting sun. Even with the limited light, it was clear that Jacob was not among them. There were lots of howls as Nessie was mercilessly hugged and tickled. This continued until Sam made them go into the house to get some shirts on. Soon, more people started to arrive. Leah dressed up for the occasion in a magenta sundress that stopped just above her knees and matched her thickly beaded earrings. She also brought some CD's that Nessie immediately put in the stereo.
Within the hour, the party group had tripled its size. The sun was dimming steadily, and people were dancing like the flickering flames of the candles. Nessie couldn't help but periodically glance around for Jake. She wanted to see him. Something Emily had said gave her courage.
"You are the last person he would ever want to let down." Jake didn't want to let her down just as much as she didn't want to do the same to him. Jake had always been there for her. Maybe she could just explain and then there would be no miscommunication. Of coarse, this was easier said than done, but she didn't know how else to salvage their relationship.
She mingled with the guests and swooped from group to group. She stopped by the cooler that was conveniently placed in such a way that the party attendees were all visible. Nessie fished for a lemonade bottle in the icy water and once it was retrieved, she popped the lid and pretended to be very interested with the cap, but instead, scoured the crowed. Once it was clear that Jake was not there, she finally took a sip.
"Looking for someone?" a voice spoke from behind her. She nearly spat and turned around. Leah grabbed a soda while Nessie choked on her beverage. When her throat had cleared Leah raised her eyebrows expectantly.
"I was just seeing if I had won something." Nessie justified. Leah made a speculative face. "You know, on the cap. If I had won…" She trailed of seeing that she had clearly been too obvious in her search. Fortunately, Leah had no intention of embarrassing her further and instead suggested that they join Kim over by the tire swing.
This turned out to be a fantastic idea. For the next hour Jacob was almost the furthest thing from her mind. Leah was telling a story about how Kim and her had tried to light a fire by striking a match on the bottom of a shoe together and how Kim lit her shoe on fire when something caught her eye. There was a man. She couldn't see his face. He was talking to Seth Clearwater, a thin white t-shirt accentuating his lean waist and low hanging dark jeans. He kept running his hands through his raven black hair. He seemed calm though Seth looked like he was scolding him. The two were looking around the crowd until both sets of eyes landed on her. Nessie hardly noticed her involuntary intake of breath but quickly looked away. Leah looked to see where the distraction was coming from and let out a low whistle. "Who knew someone could look better with clothes on?"
Kim giggled uncontrollably. "Ness, you just squeaked like a squirrel." Nessie still smiled while she concentrated on a knot on a tree. He was here. She could not help the smile that continued to grow. At that moment she forgot about everything that happened the past few days and her fears about rejection. She wished she could run over and wrap her arms around him. She remind herself she couldn't but still would glance over his way from time to time just to watch him laugh or deliver a punch line to a joke. He made his way around the yard, greeting everyone while carefully avoiding the three girls.
"He wants to talk to you, you know." Leah's voice brought her out of her careful observations. Leah fixed her with a knowing look.
Nessie felt slightly foolish but said quietly, "you think?" then looking over again she asked, "why now?" Why on her birthday when days had past.
Leah looked over at Jacob then said simply, "He's stupid."
Kim laughed but Nessie wasn't so sure she disagreed. She remembered how Seth had looked when he was talking to Jake. She looked at Leah with earnest eyes, "It's been days Leah. Days! I can't sleep. I can't eat. I don't understand why he thinks today, my birthday, is the most appropriate occasion to explain to me why he…" Nessie couldn't find a word to describe exactly what he had done. She was so confused. He just left like her feelings meant nothing to him. He didn't ask if she was alright which would seem like a funny thing to expect, but then again, it was hard to explain how she and Jake communicated. They could read each others thoughts and body language. They felt the same emotions and knew the right things to say and when to back off. That's why this whole thing didn't go along with the law of their dynamic. She had to face rejection from the one person who could comfort her.
"Why he chickened out? Why he couldn't man up and handle the situation maturely?" Leah finished for her.
"That's the best I've heard it put." Nessie said. It sounded selfish, but for once she wanted to state the fact that she was only seven. Jake was way older and had experienced so much life, yet he was the one acting like a coward.
"I think he's trying to redeem himself." Leah wasn't looking at her. Nessie turned her head like Leah's and her stomach flipped. Jake was standing with a group of people, but he was staring at her. She looked away, but then Leah spoke again. "Don't be afraid of the inevitable."
Without another word, Leah walked toward the group of young men. Nessie made her way to the bathroom as fast as she could. "The inevitable?" What had Leah meant? She wasn't the one who was afraid. She almost kissed him! She put her heart out on the line while he threw himself out of the race. Nessie locked the door behind her and stared into the mirror. She could have any guy she wanted in school, but not Jacob.
She let out a sob of defeat. She was the coward. She couldn't even look at him, but Jake came tonight because Nessie wanted him to. He braved the ridicule of his pack and she rejected him. The inevitable fear that Leah spoke of was her undying love for Jake. Though they had never been on non-speaking terms, she knew that whatever happened, they had to be together. That was what frightened her the most. What held them together like no one else? He was just a scared as she was. She was being stupid and hiding behind her friends instead of fighting for what she knew she would die without. She remembered what Emily had said. She had to be brave and admit to her feelings.
She opened the door and walked back toward the party. She searched the place for Jake, but he was nowhere to be found. She started downing punch like shots. Emily grabbed her arm and pulled her toward a huge cake placed on a foldout table. Everyone crowded around until she was stuck right in the center. Seventeen candles were lit and Billy led everyone in a round of "Happy Birthday." Nessie closed her eyes and tried to think of something to wish for, but the only thing that came to mind was Jacob. She wished that Jacob would feel the same way she did. With a powerful gust of air, she extinguished every candle on the cake. Everyone roared with cheers, but above the noise she heard a voice from behind. "Happy seventeenth" the way his breath brushed her neck made her shiver. His voiced sounded so seductive it didn't seem like he was simply wishing her happy birthday. He placed his hands on her hips pulling her closer to his warm chest. Her mind went blank as a kiss was placed on her jaw. His lips lingered before they vanished, and by the time Nessie had turned around, he was nowhere in sight. The moment was so intimate, but when she looked around, no one seemed to have noticed. She tried to follow him, to chase the elation she couldn't remember ever feeling in her life. It was no use though, the crowd was too thick and she was the spectacle.
Once she was given a slice of cake, she sat at a picnic bench with Kim and Jared. She tried to make her legs stop quaking. Her teeth were chattering, and not because of the cold. In fact, the night was warm.. or was that just her body? Jared was making everybody fall over in laughter. Embry had joined the group with a slice of cake the size of an encyclopedia. She couldn't help but think of Jake. How her skin tingled where he had kissed her. Jared looked up and waved at someone behind her. "Hey Jake! Come on over here." The boys made room so he could sit in between them, right across from Nessie.
Whatever she had expected from Jacob, this was not it. He completely avoided eye contact while he took his seat, and Nessie couldn't hide the irritated expression on her face. No one seemed to notice as the carefree conversation continued. She didn't care if she didn't look like she was paying attention because all that mattered was Jacob. Nessie was trying to meet his eyes but he was persistently ignoring her efforts. This continued a long time until Nessie was beside herself with anger. She stood unexpectedly and Jacob couldn't help but look at her this time. She fixed him with a piercing stare then said, "I have to run out to my truck. My radios been acting up and I…I need to see if it works on certain frequencies." With that, she extricated herself from the bench and sped from the group.
It was a lame excuse, but she needed to get Jacob by himself. She made a decision in that moment that if Jacob couldn't be brave, then she had to. If there was one thing she could be certain of, it was that she couldn't live without him. If he had a brain in him, he would know that he fixed the radio less than a week ago. When she reached the shelter of a group of trees, she leaned against one and waited. She had to squint to see the group through the branches. The members no longer looked like they were animatedly talking. Instead, they were hunched forward, as though they were whispering. An eternity seemed to pass before a tall figure left the table, and made his way toward her. When she could make out his russet features, she pushed away from the tree and began walking towards her truck.