Chapter 2: Help Me, Please
Emma came in to work early today. She didn't sleep well the night before. There's been one person one her mind lately and she can't seem to stop thinking about him. But who couldn't? Will Shuester was the hottest guy Emma had ever laid eyes on. Every time she closed her eyes she saw him singing and dancing just for her.
Snap out of this Emma. You can't have him. He's not that into you. Besides, when you had the chance to get with him you chickened out. You're too much of a freak for him to actually like you. Ugh, I have to stop fantasizing over him. He's driving me nuts! Ok, today I'm just going to concentrate on my work. These kids need my help but I can't help them if I have too many of my own problems to deal with.
Emma nearly jumped out of her seat when she heard a knock at her door. She waved her visitor in and was shocked to see that it was the one and only Rachel Berry standing sheepishly in front of her. Emma motioned for her to come in and close the door behind her. She was confused as to why Rachel was in her office since she so rarely asked for her advice. Rachel was always so confident in herself and everything she did. Nonetheless, she looked distressed and Emma couldn't stand having a sad student in her presence.
"Hi Rachel! What can I help you with today?" Emma asked with an extra amount of enthusiasm in her voice.
"Hi Miss Pillsbury. Uhm, I was just wondering if I could talk to you about something. I don't know how to say it or where to start or anything but I need to get this off my chest before I go crazy. It's getting to be too much and I just can't handle this anymore. I need help… Please, can you help me?" Rachel looked up at Emma with teary, pleading eyes. Emma had never seen the diva look this desperate and helpless before. She offered Rachel some tissues and led her to the couch to sit. Emma sat down next to her with one hand on top of Rachel's.
"Of course you can talk to me. That's what I'm here for! Whatever's going on you can tell me; you can trust me, I promise."
Wow, I've never seen Rachel this upset. Even when she was going through a hard time with Finn she was able to remain calm and collected. Sure, I've seen her cry while singing but those were quite emotional songs. I hate seeing her like this. She's too pretty to be crying. Uhh…wait…did I really just think that? I can't think that way about my students. But I can't help it, she's so gorgeous. Since the day I met her at freshman orientation I've felt a twinge of jealousy when it comes to her. That is jealousy, right? It has to be. I can't think of her any other way. She's my student and that's it.
"Uhm, Miss Pillsbury?" Rachel looked at Emma with a confused expression.
"Oh, yes, Rachel, sorry, I zoned out a bit. Anyway, please, tell me what's going on. Why are you so upset?"
"Well, it's complicated to explain. There's so much going through my head that it's hard to say it all. But basically, I don't feel like I'm good enough. I'm not good enough for Finn. I'm not good enough for my dads. I'm not good enough for the Glee club. I'm not good enough for anyone. I put on this fake smile and strong front every day because I have to. I don't want people to think I'm weak but I am. I know I'm an amazing singer and I'm talented in that way but that's still not enough. I can't handle feeling so inadequate. It's the only emotion I can feel. Well, that and pain, physical pain."
"What do you mean by 'physical pain'?" Emma looked concerned for Rachel. She knew she was talking about self-mutilation but she wanted to be positive, Rachel had to actually say it. She wanted to know what she was doing and where. She took a quick look at her wrists and saw nothing so she assumed it would be somewhere hidden, the sneaky way to harm yourself.
"Well, uhm, I started cutting myself. It's the only way I can actually feel something. It gives me a release from everything else that's going on. But I want to stop. I know it's wrong and it doesn't solve my problems but I just can't. I want the scars to go away. I want the pain to go away."
"Rachel, I know you know it's wrong. I would have never suspected that you cut yourself since you always seem to be fine and there are no marks on your arms or anywhere else visible. I don't want you to feel like that's the only option you have. Believe me, it's not. There are plenty of ways to deal with the pain you feel. I don't like seeing you upset like this. You are good enough. You are perfect. Yes, you are incredibly talented with singing and dancing as you've proven countless times. You are the best performer we have in Glee club. There's no way they would have made it to nationals without you. As far as Finn goes, it's not that you're not good enough for him; he's not good enough for you. He went back to a girl who cheated on him with his best friend and lied about having his baby. You don't need a guy who's that insecure. And your fathers love you so much. You are perfect to them. I know they haven't been to any of your shows with the Glee club but they still know how amazing you are. Trust me. You are absolutely beautiful."
"But I just don't believe it. I used to, but now, I just don't know."
"It's ok to feel bad like this sometimes. You'll work through it. And I can help you. But Rachel, cutting yourself is not going to help. Do you mind if I ask where you cut?"
"The insides of my thighs. I can keep it hidden if I have to."
"Oh. May I see the scars?"
"Uhm, I don't know Miss Pillsbury. There's something else that's been bothering me too and making me feel the urge to cut even more. I don't think I would be comfortable telling you and having my legs exposed so much."
"Oh, okay." Emma looked slightly disappointed but complied to Rachel's request. She placed her hand gently on Rachel's upper leg to show that she knows the scars are there, where she shows them or not. "Go on and tell me what else has been on your mind."
"Uhm, I don't really know how to say this. It's kind of weird and complicated to explain. I feel like it's wrong for me to even think this way but I know that it's not and I'm just so confused."
"What is it?"
"I think I might be bisexual. Or bicurious. Or something. I don't really know. All I know is that I like boys, I love boys. But I can't help but notice when an attractive girl walks past me. I can't control the physical reaction my body has by a hug or simply a touch of another woman. I don't know what to think of these thoughts. I want to have a husband. I want to have children. I want all of that but I fantasize about women. My head is so confused with everything."
Emma searched Rachel's eyes for clues on exactly the right words to say. I have never heard anybody else explain this in that way before. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. Rachel and I are more alike than I thought. Once she noticed her hand was now slowly stroking Rachel's leg she stopped abruptly and moved her hand back to her own lap. "Well, Rachel, what you are feeling is perfectly normal." She started. "Just about every girl has thought about other women in a romantic or sexual way. I even feel the same way you do. Love is love no matter what the gender, age, race, or whatever of the other person is. The only thing you need to figure out is whether or not you want to explore those feelings. You could just live the way you do now and repress the thoughts or you could experiment. That depends on you."
"But that's the thing! I don't think I'm good enough for a man to like me so why would I be good enough for a girl?"
Emma placed her hand on Rachel's shoulder and stared deep into her eyes. "Rachel, stop saying that you're not good enough because you are. You are so talented and smart and caring and beautiful. People notice when you walk into a room. Your looks attract everyone to you but your personality is what keeps them coming back. You are a strong woman who knows exactly what she wants from her life and that is very attractive to many people. Please, stop thinking that you're not good enough, that you're worthless. You mean so much to everyone; you mean so much to me. I may be just your guidance counselor but I do care about you, Rachel. You have been through so much torture and experienced harsh ridicule but look how far you've come. You're an amazing young woman and don't forget that."
Small tears started to roll gently down Rachel's cheek. Emma reached out and swiped them away with a pass of her thumb over Rachel's flawless skin. "Thank you Miss Pillsbury. I have to go now though, I don't want to miss Glee practice."
"You're welcome Rachel. Just remember, I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to."
Rachel got up and left the room looking only slightly happier than when she entered.
She'll be back soon, Emma thought, they always come back. They don't want me to see because then I have to tell their parents but soon enough they can't hold it back anymore and feel the need to show me what they've done. Usually their injuries gross me out because it is unsanitary and unnecessarily painful. But I really want to see the scars on Rachel. I want to see the red lines that I'm sure cover almost all of the tan skin of Rachel's inner thighs. I want to run my fingers along the scars. I want to…stop. I want to stop thinking about her in this way. This is too much. She's my student for goodness sakes! Oh Emma, you've really got yourself in an odd situation, haven't you now?