Perry headed into the boys' bathroom. He had something to take care of before lunch finished.
To his relief, the room seemed to be empty, but he still looked around carefully, before turning both the taps on the closest sink the wrong way. He held them there and waited for a few seconds.
The sink moved into the wall, revealing a hole that was just big enough for Perry to squeeze into. He looked around again, climbed inside, and pressed the button to go down.
The secret base under the school didn't belong to anybody; it was one of the agency's temporary bases for agents who didn't have time to get to their own. Perry had used it before, and he didn't think it had been cleaned once since he'd become human. He always seemed to end up standing in cobwebs.
Perry reached the bottom, put on his hat, sneezed dust a few times, and waited for his eyes to adjust to the dim, flickering lighting.
Once he was confident that he could see, he turned on the view screen. At least that was working. Major Monogram appeared. "Ah, Agent P." He looked confused. "Uh... did something happen? You know you're not due for another couple hours."
Perry nodded. Of course he knew. "After school detention." One of the few benefits of being able to speak English was that he no longer had to resort to charades.
Major Monogram moved backwards, startled. "What? Agent P, I'm surprised! You're supposed to be a model student!"
Perry couldn't blame his boss for being so interested in what he did at school. It was part of his cover story, after all. "I was attacked. The rules say no fighting. Not even self defence. I didn't know." For him, it was a speech.
"But if you're in detention, then you won't be able to prevent Doofenshmirtz from perpetrating whatever hare-brained plot he's cooked up today!" said Major Monogram.
Perry said nothing. That much was obvious.
"This is exactly why I was against this whole transformation thing from the start," he added.
Perry seemed to recall him saying something about a "wonderful opportunity to expand the scope of the agency" and praising the extension of the working life of, in his own words, not Perry's, the best field agent they'd ever had. Though Perry wasn't sure that he wanted to stay human for long enough for that to become important.
"Hang on," said Major Monogram. "I'll call Doofenshmirtz and ask him to... put his scheme on hold until you get the chance to thwart him."
Perry waited patiently as his boss picked up a phone and started dialling. The sad thing was, this would probably work.
"Hello?"
Perry could hear Doofenshmirtz's voice clearly, though Major Monogram hadn't put him on speakerphone. He always spoke too loudly when he was on the phone.
"Uh, hello, Doctor Doofenshmirtz?" said Major Monogram.
"Oh." Doofenshmirtz sounded exasperated. "It's you."
"Agent P won't be able to make it to your thwarting today. He has detention."
Perry rolled his eyes. Doofenshmirtz didn't need to know that. All he needed to know was that Perry would be unavailable.
"Detention!" said Doofenshmirtz in surprise. "I... I thought he was a model student!"
Doofenshmirtz really didn't need to know so much about Perry's life. Perry was supposed to be undercover. His nemesis was the last person who should be getting clues to his identity.
"He says he got into a fight. I'm sure whoever he fought was behaving evilly enough that he thought it was... prudent."
"Ooh!" said Doofenshmirtz. He sounded excited, which meant that Perry had probably escaped being chastised for fighting somebody else. This time. "Put him on! I just can't get over how he can talk now. It's... amazing, is what is it."
Major Monogram looked at Perry and said "He wants to talk to you." He put the phone near the speaker.
Perry leaned over the microphone, took a deep, loud breath, and, very clearly, made a chattering noise.
"Oh, very funny," said Doofenshmirtz. "Very funny. Well, you won't be laughing this afternoon when I... Well, you'll just have to be there to be there, I guess. Come along when you get out of detention." He hung up.
Major Monogram looked at the phone. "He didn't say goodbye! That's really rude. Well, you heard him, Agent P. He'll wait until you get out of detention."
Perry saluted.
.
The detention room was also Perry's English classroom, which he hadn't known. In fact he only had a vague idea of what detention was. It was... some sort of punishment? For children? Like jail but shorter?
With his heart beating only slightly faster than usual, he opened the door.
The only person in there was the French teacher, Mr Patel. Perry didn't take French, so he didn't really know him. He was probably on... detention duty or something. Perry stood in the doorway and looked at him, unsure of what to do now.
"Perry Flynn-Fletcher?" said Mr Patel after a second.
Perry nodded.
Mr Patel indicated the desks in front of him. "Take a seat and don't make any noise."
Perry nodded again, closed the door, and sat down.
Now what?
He looked around, and wondered if it was okay to read in detention. He considered asking Mr Patel about it. Did that come under making noise? The only other option was his watch, which had Pong and Space Invaders, but he couldn't risk anybody seeing that.
Before he could come to a decision, the door slammed open and the jocks came in, talking loudly and laughing.
Mr Patel glared at them. "Sit. Down."
"Okay, whatever," said Brett, without bothering to look at him. He sat down right next to Perry.
Perry got up and moved to the other side of the room. Brett really needed a shower.
Brett followed him. "Aw, is little baby scared?"
Another boy laughed, and Perry gave Brett a look to convey how ridiculous that idea was.
Unfazed, Brett started making kissy lips at him, so Perry punched him in the solar plexus.
"Owww!" said Brett, doubling over and backing away. "You-"
"Settle down," said Mr Patel, in a bored voice.
It looked like no punishment for continuing to fight was forthcoming, but Perry didn't want to push it. He concluded that the best course of action was to ignore the jocks and take a nap, so that he'd be fresh for his mission. He glanced at Brett, who was now sitting with his friends and looking at him warily, cushioned his head with his arms and closed his eyes.
"Aw look, he's crying!" said one of the other jocks, mockingly.
Perry didn't bother to correct him. His main priority was sleep.
"Sissy!"
"Baby!"
"One who is markedly different to ourselves in appearance, abilities and personality, thus justifying our antipathy towards you!"
There was a brief pause.
"Shut up, Thompson," said Brett.
"Yes, Brett," said Thompson, in a meek voice.
.
The next thing Perry remembered was Linda's voice.
"Perry? Wake up!"
Perry snapped to alertness. He couldn't remember what he'd been dreaming about, but that fact that he'd nearly saluted gave him a hint.
Linda didn't look happy. "What's this I hear about you fighting?" She didn't look happy at all.
Perry was touched. More proof that she now considered him to be her son, even though he was a platypus.
He looked around. The classroom was empty, and he wondered how long he'd been asleep. "It was self defence," he slurred, standing up and taking his bag.
"Self defence, huh?" said Linda, as they walked out of the room. "Was the pole really necessary?"
"I didn't want to... badly hurt them. The pole knocked them down."
"And why did you need to knock them down in the first place?" She was giving him the benefit of the doubt, Perry could tell. He'd seen what Linda was like when she was truly angry. He never wanted her to be truly angry with him.
"They attacked me," said Perry. After a second, he decided that more information was required, so he added. "Brett asked if I was gay. I said yes. He tried to punch me but I dodged."
Linda stopped walking, and Perry began to worry that he'd said too much. Why had he mentioned dodging? Now she was probably wondering how he knew so much about fighting.
"I had no idea you were gay," she said. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"
Perry sagged with relief, but he was a bit confused. What did it matter? Were all humans like this about it? "It wasn't important."
"Oh Perry..." said Linda, sounding more affectionate than annoyed. She gave him a quick hug. "Just promise me you won't get into any more fights, okay?"
"Yes, mother," said Perry. He though of something, and added, "May I use defensive moves?"
"No fighting."
Perry nodded.