A/N

sorry that it took so long! Thanks soooo much for the comments on part 1! Here comes part 2. Please tell me what you think about it. I try to be in canon, but I find it a bit difficult to understand Matthews motivation (besides that he looooooves Mary and obliged to Lavinia). But I guess that's up for personal interpretation anyways...

Part 2 - Matthew

He was shocked when Lavinia suddenly declared her ill-being at the dinner table. Mary must have watched her very closely while he did not even notice it. He was grateful that she took the initiative and offered that Lavinia could lay down a bit in her room. At a loss for words he stood up, but didn't know what he could do, so he just watched them leave the room, Mary supporting Lavinia. He felt it was weird, that Mary and Lavinia were so close, Mary could have well been his wife, and now she was so friendly towards his fiancée. He had to admit, he would have expected otherwise from her, especially if she still had any love for him. That could just mean, she was over him, being so easy with Lavinia and their wedding all around. The other possibility, if she wasn't, she must feel completely tormented deep inside.

His first reaction after Cousin Violet hat opened up to him that Mary was still in love with him, was that of denial. He had seen no signs at all, had he? True, just after his injury, he had seen all sort of things in her eyes, especially when she thought he did not watch her: from compassion, to fear, hope, despair to sorrow and sometimes he thought he saw something like pain, mirrored from his own anguish. But he was so self-absorbed at that time... And during his recovery them spending time together became just normal and he had thought of it as an act of friendship. She was the only person he felt safe to confide in and having around during his way back to something like a normal life, and he was glad for it, and that they were on friendly terms again. And then, when Lavinia returned and overwhelmed him with her sheer unwavering persuasion, to stay and care for him, he did not realize any big change in Mary's behavior than just a slight pullback. After a while, he was grateful that Lavinia was still by his side. His first reaction, when he sent her away was a bit harsh after all, and when the time went by he had somewhat accepted his fate and was less bitter about it. He had hated it at first, that she had come back and did not respect his wishes which were for her own good, but he could not make himself send her away a second time. He was so lonely, and the prospects of spending his life alone, just with some servants to care for his basic needs, (oh what a contrast to his former, independent life before the letter of Robert had arrived to make him the heir) deemed very hopeless and sad. It might have been a bit selfish, but at least it seemed he could bring some happiness to Lavinia's life, if it was giving her joy to be with him. At the same time he could relieve Mary of her burden to care for him and set her free for her future live with Sir Richard. So he and Lavinia went on with their original plans, and the further they went on, the more he thought that Mary just stepped aside to let the role of nurse and confident gladly to Lavinia.

He had not observed Mary's reaction during his demonstration of the regain of the control of his legs, and also not during his announcement, that he and Lavinia still wanted to get married, but obviously Cousin Violet had. He was touched by her meddling, and she seemed so totally sure about Mary's affection to him, but he could not right believe what he heard. Maybe he did not want it to be true, since it would turn it all over again, and he was just so happy that he got his life back, and Lavinia to share it with. Also, after all Mary was still engaged to Richard, and even if he seemed to be quite rude to her, she did not break her engagement. The only thing he realized was that she was very cold lately when the topic of her marriage came up and she never showed any tender sentiments, especially when Sir Richard was around.

But when time passed by, he could not help but wonder and was trying to find out if there was any truth to Cousin Violets claims. And though he was busy with his own recovery and swept away with the wedding preparations, observe he did. He could not conclude, but then Mary was very skilled in hiding any emotions she did not want the world to know. And it was not just the business if Mary loved him, the question also arose if he still loved her. He cared a big deal about her, but had been gravely disappointed when she had not hastened to marry him after he hat proposed to her. Her caring for him when he was injured so badly almost made him forget that disappointment, but not completely.

That evening, of the dinner, the wedding coming nearer so fast, he felt like an unstoppable train was racing towards him. He could not take a break to think it all through, without raising suspicion and pain for Lavinia. Could he just continue in the tracks he found himself in or did he need to be absolutely sure that it was the right way? He half wished and half feared for an opportunity to catch Mary alone, but when at last it presented it to himself, he lost all determination he might have had before.

He did not want to stand in the way when everybody was running about to care for the sudden victims of the flue. He could not help much with is still feeble body and few medical knowledge. So he wandered around alone to kill the time, hoping that at least his mother could help. He checked out the gramophone, which was a quite interesting piece of technology and put on some music.

"Where is everyone?" Mary's voice cut through him. For an instant he froze, but he managed to keep his countenance and turned towards her. Before he was seated on the other side of the dinner table, but now, as she was slowly coming closer and stopped at a respectful distance, he could behold her better. She looked so utterly stunning in the simple, but elegant dress of midnight blue silk with black lace, her bare shoulders pale, but perfectly shaped, long black gloves to add just the required amount of decency. Her dark brown hair was done up perfectly and it was shining like silk in the lamplight. While he was trying to keep the conversation going, being glad, that Lavinia was taken care of, he longed so much to touch her. The only way he could was to dance with her, and he held his breath in anticipation if she would accept. He tried to ignore the thought that in three day's time he would dance a wedding waltz with his future wife...
When Mary took his hand, jolts shot through his arm and he was wondering if his weak legs would support him any longer. But they did, and he found a slow and steady pace to move in the rhythm of the music. He was as pleased as Mary it seemed.
"You are my stick" he retorted on her inquiry if he could manage. And it was so true. Where would he be now when she had not helped him out of his misery...

"We were a show that flopped" she remarked on his previous chatter. Why would she say that now? Reminding him at this moment that they had not been able to seize the chance they had been offered? It all could have turned out so different, if only he had not withdrawn from her. If only he had not assumed, she did not want him. If he had not been to proud. If only he had tried to show her his feelings earlier. If only he had believed in her, had faith in her. If he had recognized her devotion to him as the love she must feel, and her taking the distance as a means of self-protection. If only... "Oh god, Mary..." he blurted out, seeing clearly how he himself had ruined their chance, how he had hurt her, again and again. "I'm so, so sorry". She must have endured and suffered so much by his denial, his ignorance of his own feelings. "Do you know how sorry I am?".

"Don't be, it wasn't anyone's fault. And if it was, it was mine..." she tried to play down his emotional outburst and did not let him take the blame. She was still trying to stay on firm ground.

He decided to put his cards on the table. He could not bear this ambiguity any longer. He wanted to tell her everything, not to leave the shadow of a doubt for her, she could hide behind. It was now or never. He told her about Cousin Violets revelation, about his dilemma, how he was torn by his sense of duty and that he was involved too deeply to make up his mind. The words just poured out of his mouth.
"I couldn't, could I... However much I might want to..." and in this instance he clearly knew he wanted to be with her, had done so for a very long time and had never really stopped.

"Absolutely not..." she whispered, but when he looked into her brown eyes, wide open, he saw that she meant to say something else. But she did not need to say anything, it was all there in her glance. A surge of happiness went through him. He had survived the war, he was well, he loved her and she loved him. Nothing else mattered for this moment. He felt her body shiver, looked into her sad brown eyes - and he kissed her. It was almost like their very first kiss, so long ago. It was as if all the despair, the confusion and pain of the years between these two kisses were swept away as if they had never existed. His heart clenched and he wanted to stay in this one bittersweet moment forever. She put her hand onto his chest. The touch felt so lightly as if from a feather, but it made his pounding heart miss a beat or two.

"Hello?" a familiar voice called out and he froze. He let loose of Mary and staggered to the side away from her, just in time when Lavinia stepped around the corner of the stairs. Had she seen? She must have seen, it must have been on public display from the galleries. Guilt and embarrassment rushed through him, clouding his ability to think clearly.
"What are you doing up?" he tried to make his voice sound pleasing and worried for her and was struggling to appear normal, just in case she was unknowing of his transgression.
"Shouldn't we be getting back?"
Luckily Mary's mind was working a bit quicker than his. "It's decided, you're staying here. Dr Clarkson is coming in the morning, so he can treat all of you together. You can borrow some things until Matthew brings you what you need... I'll go and organize a room."
She rushed away, leaving them alone.

Lavinia was now standing at the foot of the stairs, wrapping a soft beige shawl around her shoulders. Pangs of guilt still went through him and he tried block out his confusion. Later he could think about what just had happened. He saw she was upset and he cursed himself. How could he be so selfish? Why did he let himself go, when he still had promised to care for her, and also had a deep affection for her and was convinced until just now that she would be the one he wanted to marry? He knew that his feelings for her were far from being indifferent. He still did not know if he really could make himself break their engagement. He was troubled to see her stand around so forlorn and miserable and limped towards her, cursing the frailty of his body.
"How do you feel?" he asked compassionate.
"Like a nuisance."
"You could never be that..." he smiled at her reassuringly.
"I mean it, Matthew. Don't ever let me be a nuisance." If he had entertained any doubts about how much she had seen, now he was certain she had seen just enough. "Don't ever let me get in the way. Please."
He would have understood it, if she had lost her temper, made a scene and slapped him. Actually he had hoped for something like that, he had deserved that. But that was not like she was. He felt sickened by himself, for hurting the feelings of this kind, selfless woman, who was still caring about his happiness and did not show to be offended for being betrayed. As certain as he had been aware of his feelings for Mary a moment ago, he now realized he did not want to be this disgusting person he was on the verge of becoming.

The song had finished and static was coming out of the gramophone now.