Suddenly, the door to the small cabin exploded inward in a blizzard of wooden splinters. Caught unawares Edward stood up a cry of fear coming from his lips. As the dust settled a tall figure in a top hat stepped in, the sleeves of his suit torn off to reveal massive arms tattooed with American flags, eagles, and guns.
"Who are you?" Bella cried, knowing Edward was too frightened to speak. The figure stepped into the firelight, the flames dancing across his face as if he was a demon born from the depths of hell itself, and they both saw his beard and immediately understood.
"I'm the mother fucking Abraham Lincoln." In a flash the former President leapt across the room and grabbed Edward by the throat and hurled him out of the window into the rain. Looking down at Bella he tipped his hat and flashed a nasty grin and said, "A house filled with bullshit vampires cannot stand."
In another blurring display of speed Abraham Lincoln leapt through the window into the rain and slid in the mud until he stood above the quivering body of Edward. He spit upon him in disgust and then laughed heartily.
"Edward Cullen. I've always said that if you give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."
"What does that even mean?" Edward shouted as he stood, his wits apparently recollected and his foolish bravery returning.
"I've spent the last 145 years honing my strength so that I could rid the world of your kind. Did you know that John Wilkes Booth was a vampire? And do you know what I did to him?"
Edward merely looked at him, trying to look intimidating by flexing his pale arms.
"I tore off his arms and beat him to death with them. And that was before I acquired the ability to channel the Super Strength of History. Now all the strength of the former Presidents flows through my veins. I breathe Liberty. I bleed Freedom. And I piss American brewed Lager."
"Shut up! Now you die for interrupting me and my love!" Edward shrieked and charged through the rain towards Abraham Lincoln. As he grew closer he leapt into the air and prepared to smash the former President with his fists. Then suddenly he felt unable to breath and realized that his charge had been stopped as Abraham Lincoln grabbed him by the throat.
"If there is anything that a man can do well, I say let him do it. What I do well, Edward, is kill fucking vampires." With those grim words Abraham Lincoln plunged his free hand into Edward Cullen's sparkling chest and tore out his heart before dropping his limp body to the ground. Unbeknownst to Edward, Bella had run out just in time to see him fall, and to see the super muscular Abraham Lincoln bring the heart to his lips and devour it in a single bite. As Edward died Bella ran to his body, tears mingling with the rain on his face.
"Why? Why would you do this, Mr. President?" Bella wept.
"My dream is of a place and a time where America will once again be seen as the last best hope of earth. A place free of vampires." As he said that all of the Cullen clan where gathering at the edge of the clearing, fear in their eyes at the death of one of their own. Abraham Lincoln guffawed and pointed at Bella. "It's looks like I've got work to do yet."
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The next day the police arrived on the scene to find all of the Cullen's bodies piled in the sun burning. They'd sparkled too much when left in the sun for too long. When they later questioned Bella as to what would happen, all she could say was:
"The mother fucking Abraham Lincoln. It was the mother fucking Abraham Lincoln."