Crime and Punishment
Summary: "I'm going." / "I won't let you go." / "I can't endanger you. I'm sorry."
This is written for the 2015 Writting Challenges: Sensory Perception (Week Six) on the Heart of Camelot.
IT'S over.
Lucy stares up at him, heart in her throat, as he stumbles away, his eyes turning from that burning white color to black again. His whole figure radiates horror, but his eyes are locked on hers and she can't look away.
"I—I . . ." Natsu's— Natsu Dragneel, not Etherious Natsu Dragneel, it's not END—it's just Natsu—voice is shaking. "Oh my god. I can't . . . I did that. Lucy, I almost—I could have killed you—I—I—"
"Natsu!" Gray's voice is harsh, but his breathing is labored. Lucy turns around to see the mangled form of one of her closest friends on the ground, and she stifles the small shriek that wants to escape. She didn't know it's so bad. "Stop panicking—I need you to cauterize my side. Before it bleeds out."
He groans then. Natsu steps forward, almost reluctantly, and then he takes another step. He collapses by Gray's side, and Lucy falls with him. She presses her hands against Gray's wound, not caring about the sticky, warm blood that's staining her hands red. She almost feels sick.
"Wendy—"
"No time," she says, her tone bordering desperate. She doesn't want to think. Doesn't want to remember. Doesn't want to look at the black horns protruding from his wild tangle of pink hair. Her hands shake. "He's lost more than half of the blood in his body."
Natsu's eyes are round, and his mouth opens a little, then it snaps shut and his gaze hardens in determination. She notices his hands are shaking as he holds them out, over the left side of Gray's abdomen and her hands. The pose reminds her a little of when Wendy heals someone.
"Get him something to bite on. It's gonna hurt real bad."
She casts her gaze over the clearing. There. Wood. She lunges over and grabs the thin branch, then tore some of the bottom off her already torn skirt off and wraps it around the branch. Her hands shake, and she nicks her knuckle against the wood, drawing blood, but she barely notices the pain. She puts it in Gray's open mouth, trying not to look at his eyes. She meets Natsu's gaze and nods.
"I'm sorry."
She closes her eyes to block the sight, but the sounds coming from Gray . . .
Bile rises in the back of her throat—or is it the front? The burning, bitter acid is in her mouth and she can't stop it from coming out. She feels weak, pathetic—she's not even the one in pain, and now she's sicking up. But she can't stop the retching.
Soft hands eventually press against her back, but she still can't stop heaving. When she finally is able to look up, she meets Erza's sad brown eyes, which look away. Her eyes fall on Natsu and Gray, the former ashen and the latter's eyes are closed.
"Is he . . . ?" she whispers. Erza shakes her head.
She swipes her hand against the back of her mouth and stumbles over to Natsu's side. She rests her hand on his back, and she can feel his trembling. He's cold too, not hot.
"I'm a monster," his voice is soft. "I could have killed him . . . I burnt him."
She wraps her arm around his back, but she can't find anything to say. For the first time in her life, she's honestly at a lost for words. She doesn't know how to comfort him.
"You're not a monster." She says, but her voice sounds weak even to her own ears. He doesn't look at her.
She looks up, suddenly curious their surroundings. Soft, mossy grass is scratching against her legs. The sky is so overcast that she wonders why it hasn't rained yet. The humidity makes her hair stick to her neck.
"Come," Erza's voice is soft. "Wendy's nearby, and Gray's out of death's way."
She stands, guiding Natsu up with her. She accidentally brushes a hand against one of the wings, dark and cold as night, and his eyes move so quickly she thinks he's trying to laser a tree.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to." She says softly. He shakes his head. "He'll be all right, Natsu."
"It doesn't change the fact that I did this to him." He murmurs.
She pauses, then sighs. "No, it doesn't."
[***]
Later, Lucy stands next to Natsu. Sunbeams break through the gray clouds, turning them into a strange golden color, creating a sort of haunting, ethereal beauty around them. She's sure if none of this had happened, it would have taken her breath away.
He begins to pace, running his hand through his hair, brushing against the black horns that protrude through his hair. The bat-like wings attached to his back falls against the ground. She feels one of them brush her foot, which leaves a tingly feeling behind despite the fact that she feels colder than ice.
"Natsu, you're injured." She says. He pauses, then comes over, sitting heavily on the ground. She falls to her knees in front of him, wincing at the dull ache that extends from them, but watch him drop his head in his hands. She rummages through the bag she's brought with her and pulls out a bandage and antiseptic. She touches his arm, and realizes he's trembling.
"You should leave me," he murmurs. "After all, there's no sense in being around a monster that can attack at any moment."
She presses her lips together. "You're not a monster. And besides, you stopped yourself."
His hand snakes out and grabs the lower part of her arm, so that she can't treat his wounds.
"This time, maybe. But what about the next? And what the Hell were you thinking, flinging yourself out in front of Gray like that?" He lifts his head. The whites of his eyes are bloodshot and there're tears coming from them. "I could have killed you, dammit."
It pains her to see him this way—so vulnerable. He's the strong one, not her. But she supposes everyone can't be strong all the time.
She leans forward. "But you didn't, did you? You stopped yourself."
"This time!" His voice is bordering feral as he drops his gaze. She grabs his chin with her free hand, forcing him to look at her in the eyes. "I would have killed Gray." The admission is so quiet she can barely hear it above the rustle of the leaves in the wind.
"I know," she replies. "But you didn't."
He pulls away from her and stands up, running his hand through his hair. She stands too.
"But why? Why would you do that?"
"Fling myself in front of Gray?" He nods. "Because he's my nakama, and I know you'll never forgive yourself if you kill him."
He presses his hands against the sides of his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "And if I had hurt you? Killed you? Mavis, Lucy—you're more precious to me than life itself."
Her heart stuttered. "What?"
He turns around, flinging a hand out. "I can't—I can't let you die. I can't let myself hurt you. Mavis, I care about you so much that it makes my chest hurt so bad and I can't loose you and I won't let myself hurt you and—and—" He's breathing hard, but he takes a step back and turns his head away, taking the heat away with him. "I have to protect you."
Her breathing quickens. "H-huh?"
"I'm going."
Her heart seems to stop. She's suddenly so cold and she remembers the year she spent without him. She shakes her head.
"I won't let you go."
Natsu steps forward, his eyes flashing, but she holds her ground. His hand's on her bicep, so tight it's almost painful but she tightens her jaw. She doesn't care if she's being selfish. She just can't let him go again. She can't live through that again.
"Lucy, I'm doing this to protect you." His words are desperate, but there's fear in them as well. She presses her hand against his metal-coated arm, trying to ignore how she can't feel any warmth radiating from him. "You don't understand. If I hurt you, I don't think I could live with myself. No, I can't."
"You're running away," she stepped forward, the hot ball in her chest exploding. "You're running away, again. Just like last time! You're being a selfish ass—only thinking of yourself and not anyon—"
"Selfish?! Do you think I want to—"
"Yes I do! You're not thinking of anyone else but yourself! How do you think Happy will feel if you run away? Gray? Erza? Wendy? Me? You're being a coward, Natsu Dragneel!"
She doesn't know how it happens. One moment, they're only steps away from doing something to harm the other, the next, he's yanking her up and then his lips collide with hers. She doesn't stop to think. All the anger, fear and desperation bursts and she wants to take it out on him.
Her hands claw their way up his chest and yank on his hair, pulling him down and somehow closer to her. One hand buries in her hair, and the other hand's so tight on her waist that she's positive they're breaking her skin but she doesn't care as she presses into him. There's too much space between them, despite the fact that she's sure there's no space between their bodies. There's too much space and not enough, and she can't get enough of him and she's terrified and she's never realized how much she's loved him—
His mouth drops from her lips and onto her shoulder, and he leaves a trail of fire. She throws her head back, sure she's calling his name as her fingers bury into the skin on the back of his neck and she can't let him go—she needed him like he was air. His lips connect with hers again, and this time his tongue touches opens her lips and she's not sure if he had forced them open or if she had all ready opened them.
Then he pulls away from her abruptly but his hands tighten like he doesn't want to.
"I want this . . ." his breathing his labored and his eyes are shadowed. "Oh Mavis, I want this so bad. But I can't, Lucy. I just . . . I can't endanger you. I'm sorry."
And just like that, he was gone.
Note: The picture on the cover was what inspired this. Please feel free to cry with me. I haven't recovered yet. From any of it.