Dodgeball

So here we are again with our beloved characters from Twilight. They gather in the grassy field where the Cullens play baseball now and then. Everyone is preparing themselves mentally and physically for the training Jasper has promised to give on destroying newborn vampires. The werewolves appear where the forest ends and the field begins, sticking to the shadows.

Carlisle: Greetings, furry ones!

Edward as Sam: Thank you. We hope you do not mind, but we brought a trainer of our own. We thought he could teach everyone some useful tricks other than the ones Jasper had.

Jasper bristles at this, but Carlisle simply shrugs.

Carlisle: Of course! Where is he then?

The great wolf turns it's head slightly and barks once. A whirring, electrical sound makes the vampires all cock their heads in curiosity. As it grows louder, the wolves part, leaving space for what can only be...an electrical wheelchair.

Billy wheels out into the clearing, and says with a slightly manic tone-

Billy: LINE UP LADIES!!!

Emmett: But--

Billy: NOW!

The vampires all jump as if bitten, and quickly obey. Billy waves with his hand and the wolves emerge from the forest as well, transformed into humans once more. The vampires and wolves squirm uncomfortably as their shoulders brush.

Billy: Now...(he begins to wheel back and forth in front of the line) If you wanna succeed at killing the newborns you have to learn the five basic principles of combat! Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!

Edward and Alice exchange glances.

Billy: If you learn and master these techniques no amount of newborns on earth can touch you!

Jasper raises his hand.

Billy: You, queerbank, go ahead!

Jasper: Uh, shouldn't we be using real targets to practice with?

Billy: That's what this sack of wrenches is for. (He pulls a bulging sack from under his chair and plops it on his lap. He pulls out a wrench.)

Vampires and werewolves alike exchange nervous glances.

Billy: (Cont.) If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a newborn. (Suddenly, he hurls the wrench at Jasper and it slams into the vampire's face.)

Jasper goes down like a sack of potatoes.

Jasper: (Moaning) OW!

Carlisle: (To Billy) Erm, was that really necessary?

Billy: (Eye twitch) Necessary? (He wheels forward, threatening) Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?

Carlisle: Um, no probably not.

Billy: No it isn't! But I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.

Jasper: (Holding his face) Oooh! MY GOD!

Edward: (To Jacob) Is your dad always like this?

Jacob: Only when it's a full moon...

They all look up and groan. It's a full moon.

Billy: (Blows whistle) Let's go LADIES!

The vampires and werewolves start their training with Billy. To help the mood, Carlisle and Esme

set up a boom box playing the theme from Rocky.

Billy: (Blowing whistle) Come on! Come on! Remember the five principles! YOU THERE!

Bella skids to a stop in the middle of the exercise and points to herself.

Bella: M-me?

Billy: Tell me the five principles!

Bella: Uh, um, err...Dodge?

Billy: And???

Bella: (Stressed) I don't know!

Billy: You're about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop!

Bella: (Sniffle) N-no I'm not!

Billy: Oh yes you are, hooker! Now why don't you go and sit under that bush and try and decide if you wanna seduce my son or your bloodsucker!

Bella: FINE! (She leaves the others and crawls under a bush as instructed)

Billy: (Blows whistle furiously) Let's go! This is PATHETIC!!!

The werewolves and vampires are pitifully coordinated together. They bump into each other constantly, always fearful of the rain of wrenches. Edward takes a wrench to the face.

Edward: GAH! My beautiful face!!!

Billy: Heads up queerbank! (He throws another wrench in Jasper's direction)

Jasper: (Woman's scream) AHHHHHHH!

A white manicured hand snatches the wrench just inches from Jasper's face. Rosalie smugly waves the wrench around so everyone can see she's caught it.

Rosalie: What? Eight years of softball.

Quil: (To Embry) Man, she gotta be a lesbian.

Billy: All I know is that dike can play! (Happily wheels forwards) What's your name lesbo?

Rosalie: It's Rosalie. And I'm not a les---

Billy: JACOB! Come 'ere.

Jacob quickly obeys his father.

Billy: Now I want you all to pay attention to Rosalie's technique here. Jacob, here ya go, (He hands

Jacob a wrench.) Try and hit the lesbian.

Emmett: (Raises hand) I can testify that she is not a lesbian!

Billy: Ask me if I care, crotchstain!

Emmett: Do you care?

Billy wordlessly grabs another wrench and hurls it at Emmett. It hits home right below his belt.

Emmett: Sweet mother of TROY! (Keels over)

All the males present wince.

Billy: Jacob! Do as your told! Throw the dang thing!

Jacob takes a deep breath, draws back his arm, then throws the wrench with blinding speed at

Rosalie. She whirls, catches it, then hurls it right back at him.

Bella: (Dives) Noooooooooo!!! (She takes the wrench to the face)

Jacob: Bella! You DO love me!

Edward: WHAT?!

Bella: Chilax Edward.

Jacob: Oh happy day! (Does a dance)

Bella: Hey, I didn't say that I loved you.

Jacob: Huh?

Bella: I still haven't decided.

Billy: Hey! Worthless wench! Get back to your bush!

Bella: You know what? I quit! (She storms off)

Edward: Wait for me, my love! (Skips off after her, singing to himself) I'm a shiny boy, yes I am! I'm a shiny boy shiny boy shiny boooooooy!

Billy: Any of the rest of you still up for training?

The remaining vampires and werewolves all mutter guiltily.

Billy: Suit yourself, queers. (Wheels off.)

The End!