Standard Disclaimers: Bioware and Mass Effect are not mine. Italics indicate a flashback! I want to also thank kirjailija for the conversations that helped spark this. Check her out - she's got an amazing Kaidan fict going on called Standard Issue Life - same conversation started that as started this.
Stars were not fixed points nor were they eternal. It was only an illusion of perspective that made it so easy to forget that they moved on the surface of a whirling galaxy and died in first flame and then ice. The Normandy, infinitely small despite the life and hope she carried, flew patiently through the void and as she did so Thane watched the universe from port observation.
The stars may have been moving but he couldn't see it happening. He was too small, too limited. He couldn't discern any change through the glass.
Pain first. First. Foremost. A pounding in his head that makes sound flex in and out. A trampoline of volume, going up and down and distorting. He doesn't open his eyes. Not yet. He doesn't know where he is and that isn't good. Don't give up the advantage. Find out. Who is there? What is happening? What had happened to him?
He doesn't know.
The memory isn't there, as it should be, omnipresent like hands and feet, constant like taste or smell…
That unnerves him. Chills him.
Fight or flight? He needs to move, needs to go, needs to know what is happening but he can't make the darkness go away…
"…Commander, I really think we should talk about the geth you brought…"
"I think that can wait, Lawson, don't you?"
"With all due respect, Garrus, that's not your decision to make. That geth represents a significant opportunity for the ship. If Mr. Krios' condition changes, I'm sure that the Doctor will have EDI inform us."
"Miranda," the speaker's voice is mild, smooth and familiar. The uncertainty, the rising directionless panic he feels, begins to fade. He knows now. Shepard. Normandy. "I'll meet you and Jacob in the communications room to run a full debriefing." She pauses significantly, lending weight and uncompromising finality to her next words. "Later. Right now, I'm not leaving Medical. Understood?"
"… yes, Commander…"
His lips quirk upward in a smile and he stops fighting the slide back to unconsciousness.
The Normandy was a state-of-the-art ship and her Med Bay reflected that. Concussion, broken ribs, burns. All of them were healed with a little time and skill. There were patches of skin that were yet too pale, and a certain stiffness that still bothered him when he tried to move with his accustomed fluidity, but these were all correcting themselves in good time.
The memories of those last minutes on the derelict remained broken, however, a smooth unending line that first splintered and then disintegrated in a bright flash. Such things were fairly normal for a head wound and despite a vague irrational dissatisfaction with that, he accepted it. The details of what had come next had to be provided by other sources, anyway.
He's sitting with Garrus at a galley table. The turian had sought him out, even though it was late. They'd been talking about trivial things. Easy things. Then Garrus asked what had happened on the ship. Thane told him what he was able to. The turian just shook his head.
"Shepard scared the hell out of me, you know."
"What do you mean?" Thane is curious now. "How?"
"She screamed," Garrus' tone is dry but there is something in his expression that holds nothing of humor and everything of a memory that disturbs.
"Shepard? Screamed?" he can't help but ask and he knows he may sound somewhat skeptical.
The Turian shrugs a shoulder, "I don't know what else you'd call it. Maybe yelled but it was shriller than that. She screamed to get my attention before I left the platform. That note in her voice… it worked. Otherwise the two of you probably wouldn't have made it out." He takes a drink, "Never heard her voice quite like that, Thane. Let's make it so I never have to again, yeah?"
Garrus may be leaning back casually but those predatory eyes of his are focused and it would take a less observant man than Thane to miss the concern.
And the clear warning.
"I'll do my best," Thane understands.
"Fair enough."
So does Garrus.
Thane stood inches away from it but did not touch the glass. He hadn't bothered to turn on the lights in the room, content to make his way in shadow and uninclined to encourage reflections. He did not need such things. Such distractions. He stood with hands clasped behind him, expression contemplative.
That glass in front of him was flawless to the naked eye, curve as it followed the hull of the ship beyond visual detection. Its surface would be cool against his fingertips, smooth and nearly frictionless against skin as dry as his. He didn't need to be told this to know that it was true.
Just as he didn't need to be told how much Garrus cared about Shepard.
Of course, there was a bond between all of the surviving members of the first Normandy. They'd all been a part of something larger than themselves and they'd all had to adjust to losing it. There was a subtle fierceness, a dedication not only to the mission at hand, but to each other that threaded through their actions. Thane saw it in the way that Dr. Chakwas made sure meals were sent up to Joker, Tali threatened Garrus as a response to his teasing, instead of just walking away, and Garrus spent some off-hours talking with the Doctor in Med Bay.
None of them wanted to lose it again.
None of them wanted to lose Shepard again, either.
Garrus, however, actively looked for ways to prevent that from happening. Not only did he watch her back on missions, he spoke up loud and clear about potential problems he saw and pointed out tactics as well as goals to keep them focused, all in an effort to keep his Commanding Officer, his friend, safe.
And, yes. To keep his other comrades protected as well.
"What has she told you about Kaidan Alenko?" Garrus asks, perhaps an hour later. A joke about appropriating a decent alcohol from Mess Sergeant Gardner's secret stash had led to actually doing so and the conversation had been only intermittently serious ever since.
"Nothing," Thane says and it is true. He's never heard Shepard mention the man.
Garrus' expression is hard to read. "He and Shepard were… close." He doesn't elaborate.
Ah. Thane will not allow himself to ask "how close?". However, as he cannot seem to find any other question to replace it, he remains silent for several seconds.
Garrus is watching him. Thane is meeting his gaze evenly.
"What happened?" Thane asks finally deciding to voice that single open-ended but cautiously limited question. He reaches for his glass.
"Well, I can't say for sure. Things were different back then, and Shepard and I didn't always talk as much as we do now. The Alliance has regulations against fraternization, like most militaries do, but from the beginning you could see…"
"Not that," Thane interrupts and feels the flutter at his throat betraying his impatience and irritation, even if his voice remains mild. "I meant that if he and Shepard were so close why isn't he here now?"
"Ah. Right. Sorry," and Garrus actually does sound it, "He refused to come with us. We finally found him again and all that mattered to him is that she's working with Cerberus. He wouldn't listen to her explain. He just called her a traitor and walked away."
"If that is truly what he thought," Thane says slowly, "then I don't understand how they ever got… close… in the first place."
There was no warning. In less than the blink of an eye the black matte of unrelenting, unwavering space was replaced by the dull silver plating. Lights, commercial and residential for the citadel, strobed as they flew by at speed, flashing his face in various colors and hues. Joker liked taking his docking maneuvers with as much speed as possible, confident in his own precision, vindicated every time he conquered the odds against him.
They were here partially because Shepard had wanted to follow up on something and partially because they'd needed supplies and Thane had subtly pushed for the citadel as a place to seek them. He did not lie to Shepard about his reasons for wanting to return here. He wouldn't do that without a much better reason than he currently had and a lot fewer options.
However, he thought it was fairly likely she'd drawn her own conclusions about what might be drawing him back to the station where his son now resided.
He just hadn't corrected her.
Thane understood there were mysteries he would never solve. Factors he could never be certain of. He understood that, while the way people reacted might be something he could predict with a fair amount of accuracy, that the subtler motivations of personal choice were unlikely to be so easy to unravel. Especially choices coming from a member of another species.
He had his reasons for trying this time though.
Upper Ward. 109th block. Apartment J-3.
A place to start.
The holo-vid was on, program babbling words that Thane hears but pays no attention to. He has an hour before his mark will walk into adjoining hotel room. The newscaster's voice bled the time out and would cover the struggle when needed.
"..Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko! Commander Alenko, it's an honor to have you with us here tonight. So we hear you and the SSV Seol are just back from patrol in the Skyllian Verge?"
"Yes," the answer was not hostile but encouraged absolutely nothing.
"Well, we're all thankful for your service there! Can you tell us something about what sort of action you've seen? We've heard of some truly horrific attacks. What details can you give us?"
"I'm afraid I can't give you any details. It's classified."
Thane almost smiles, thinking that someone obviously overestimated this Commander's tolerance for sensationalism and the media.
The refusal hangs in the air awkwardly for a split second before the reporter is recovering. "Yes, yes, of course. I understand completely. Now, as I'm sure you know, the late Commander Shepard …June? Can we get her picture up there on the screen? Good. Thanks…. The late Commander Shepard has become an inspiration for a generation of young men and women who want to make a difference by joining the military. What sort of advice can you give to them? Or even those looking to follow your own example!"
There was silence.
A silence long enough to gain Thane's curiosity and make him glance over.
Long enough so that the cameraman knew to pull in a close- up to properly frame the tight lines of the military man's face, capturing the struggle there.
"Be ready to lose," Staff Commander Alenko said finally, voice rasping.
Then he stood up and walked out of frame without another word.
Thane turned the channel to something louder.
The ship docked, finally settling into its place with all hints of stars and cosmos, eternity and immovable promises, erased in favor of the steel works of mortal hands. Beyond the friendly invitations of a crew granted a brief respite in shore leave, absent from his familiar haunts where her steps might take her to offer company or conversation, Thane waited.
And eventually, he left to go find Kaidan Alenko to get answers.
He had decisions to make.
Author's Notes:
Computer problems aside, this chapter has been fully written out 3 times now. It was post it now or never!
The first version didn't satisfy me, the second came closer but then lost all hope of seeing the light of day when I was told 'that's obviously written by a chick! Dudes don't talk like that to each other' (which is sad, cause I kind of liked the Garrus/Thane bro-mance in that one - Though, fear not, the 'highlights' are seen above. Sort of) and, after scrapping everything for a distinctly odder approach that may or may not have worked --- here ya go! Sadly – the shortest of all versions :P
You'll notice that Thane's flashbacks are distinctly longer in this. My take on it is that he's very deliberately going through them – encouraging them – where as he isn't necessarily doing that in the scenes we see with Shepard in the game.
I did want to respond to Effect Junkie and give thanks for the review left. :) This last chapter /was/ initially from Garrus' perspective and I really had things I liked about it. Unfortunately, as mentioned above, it didn't fully click. The next, however, may or may not be from Kaidan's point of view. It's not a lack of willingness to try other perspectives - but we'll have to see what happens :) Thanks again!